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May
Psycho or Jealous?
There are very few articles and resources
addressing the topic of jealousy. I have come to
the conclusion that this is merely because people
don't know what stance to take on the situation.
Everyone has been on both sides of the fence. Most
of us have experienced a jealous lover and many of
us have been in a relationship where we curiously
find ourselves being insecure and jealous by
nature. On one hand you want to condemn the
abhorrent behavior exhibited by jealous partners
while on the other hand you might be able to
sympathize. I have decided to courageously announce
my decided opinion. Jealousy is just another
euphemism for psychotic behavior.
Without going too far into the psychology of
jealousy, you should understand that jealousy is
not an innate feeling that we are all born with;
rather it is a learned response that people have
developed over time to deal with certain
situations. We all have the ability to feel anguish
and emotional sorrow, and jealousy is one way we
cope with these feelings. Jealousy can rear its
ugly green head at any time. You never know what
will set it off. Some people can be completely at
ease with one lover and insanely jealous with
another lover. People have the potential to get
jealous for a multitude of reasons. They might have
low self esteem, have been rejected or betrayed in
the past or feel insecure about their body or looks
to name a few.
I would venture to say that a small amount of
jealousy in any relationship is normal. It might
even be considered a good thing because it shows
that deep emotions are tied to this relationship.
But jealousy should not be confused as a sign of
love. Severe jealousy is the exact opposite of
love. Emma Goldman, an early 20th century writer,
claimed that “Its (jealousy) one desire is to
punish, and to punish as severely as
possible”. She was very right. There are
obvious big, bright and bold lines that are crossed
all too often. You have probably dated one of these
line crossers; I have dated more than enough. This
is when jealousy becomes apparent psychotic
behavior. Your lover begins to assume that you are
cheating on some level or another and you are being
dishonest almost every day. Soon you get to the
point where that person is doing a stake out of
your home, following you around like a private eye,
breaking into your email accounts, slashing your
tires and smearing chocolate cake on your door
(Yes, someone actually smeared cake on my door in a
jealous rage). When you get to the point where you
can not even say one word to a member of the
opposite sex at a party because you fear the
inevitable wrath which will follow from your lover
when you get home, your relationship is in
jeopardy.
When people exhibit these jealous rages, they
are only destroying the relationship they are
trying to save. People use jealousy as a legitimate
weapon of defense to protect what is rightfully
theirs. Jealousy attempts to prevent the
annihilation of love, but it only helps it along.
Experiencing these jealous rages will also further
lower your self respect because it causes you to
stoop to the lowest of acts. It destroys more than
just the relationship. “Jealousy is invariably
a one-sided, bigoted accuser, convinced of his own
righteousness and the meanness, cruelty and guilt
of his victim”. Although the jealous person
wants to keep the relationship intact, the
intentions of showing these acts of jealousy are to
maliciously hurt the other person. Obviously, these
uncontrollable acts used to salvage the
relationship do not work. They only cause the other
person to retaliate in disgust making the situation
even worse.
So how do you deal with jealousy? That is the
big question. For the insanely jealous person, the
best thing you can do is recognize that your
jealousy may be unfounded and then open the lines
of communication. Instead of brooding on thoughts
of infidelity, simply tell your lover how you are
feeling as soon as you start feeling that way. You
should have these feelings immediately put to ease
when he or she calms your heart. You also need to
stop trying to forcibly fuse your relationship into
one being. The best relationships are created
through the bonding of two separate individuals. If
you are dealing with a jealous person whom you want
to stay with and love, then you are going to have
to learn not to get drawn in to these petty
jealousy arguments, do not retaliate, do not take
any blame, do not let the freak outs get to you
when they occur and do not assume that he or she
will change any time soon. To help get rid of
jealous behavior you must leave all of your doors
open. Meaning, you must not keep anything hidden or
locked away for your love to get suspicious or
distrusting over. Couples therapy, although
expensive, is a viable option.
©2009, The Advice
Diva
* * *
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago. - Bernard Berenson
Diva Rebecca
has a long and exciting history of when it comes to
love, dating and relationships. Friends and
associates would come to her for advice and
naturally she became the Advice Diva. Having a
socialite status in the big city she decided to put
her expertise down in writing. The Diva does not
claim to be an expert or have certifications in
this area. She explores her own thoughts and
feelings and uses her own opinions formed through
her own experiences. The
company Advice Through Experience was founded and
she wrote four successful e-books published on the
A.T.E. website aptly named www.AdviceDiva.com
They are
Getting Him
or Her Back,
The Divine
Secrets of the Dating Game,
What Women
Really Want and
For Women
Only: How to be Fabulous!
Diva Rebecca’s website is also
host to an online advice column. The column is
completely free and a fun tool for everyone. She
puts some of the posts online in an anonymous form.
The success of her online advice column has led to
the creation of monthly articles for a variety of
printed and online magazines. For questions and
comments contact The Advice Diva at
E-Mail.
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