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November
Exclusive At-Home Dad Survey Results
With the help of his young son, Kevin, our
researcher, Dr Robert Frank, mailed out 1,081
surveys to the readers of At-Home Dad, and got 573
back, making this survey the largest ever taken of
at-home dads. In this exclusive survey, Dr Frank
focused on the 368 dads who spent 30 or more hours
per week alone with the child. Many were anxious
for the results, here they are: You are
38-years-old, married, and live in the suburbs with
your 2 kids. You have been an at-home dad for
nearly 3 years and feel somewhat isolated. You stay
home with the kids because you did not want to put
your kids in daycare and your wife made more money
than you did. Speaking of your wife, she is
"extremely satisfied" with the current arrangement
and so are you. Your parenting skills come from
your own intuition and by being with your own
children. Oh yes, I almost forgot, your future:
once your kids are in grade school you plan on
returning to work at-home or outside the home.
Now that I have you targeted, you will all be
receiving your gift for filling out the survey...
dinner for you, your 36 year old wife and 2
children. What? You didn't write your name on the
survey? Too bad!!
OK, maybe you do not fit the "average" at-home
dad reader profiled above, but the survey yielded
some interesting results. When mothers were asked
the level of satisfaction with having their husband
at home, 43% of them circled "extremely satisfied".
More revealing, however, is the fathers' response,
an overwhelming 51% indicated they were also
extremely satisfied. In the many letters and calls
I have received the last few years this comes as no
surprise.
In one such letter, a dad wrote, "I find that it
gives me the time to get to know him better, teach
him, play with him and love him."
One mother wrote, "He is proud of being an
at-home dad and caring for our daughter, a lot of
friends wish they were in his shoes. Thankfully, I
can support us on my salary and we both think this
is the best thing for our son." She goes on to say,
"I enjoy working and am amazed at the father-son
bond."
While many couples emphasize the benefits reaped
with dad at home they are quick to point out that
the isolation is still there. In the survey 63% of
the dads noted that they were "somewhat isolated"
and 6% were totally isolated.
One mother from Van Nuys, CA relates, "My
husband has no support group here in L.A., no
friends who are in our situation. He feels very
alone and frustrated at times. When I was at first
pregnant and then home on leave with the babies, I
had a circle of women friends who were going
through the same thing I was. We learned a lot from
each other and we still call on these women for
advice and support. There is no one for my husband
to call when the baby has spent the past two weeks
fussing at everything without respite, pushing my
husband to the limits."
One dad from California who has been home with
his 2 young sons, says, "The hardest part is not
knowing anyone and everyone else is at work all
day. After talking to a 3- year-old all day, I
can't wait for my wife to get home."
Why are we staying home? The #1 reason was to
keep the kids out of daycare. Timothy Nohe of
Catonville, MD, who cares for 3 boys (7, 2 and 11
mo), notes, "I quit my electrical engineering job
18 months ago and haven't looked back. 5 yrs of
college down the tubes. I hated that job. All
government work and programming. Yuck! We had a 17
year-old daughter, 5 year-old son and a 6
month-old-son we had adopted as an infant. The baby
was in daycare. My wife made more than 60% of
household income. More than half of my share went
to daycare and before and after care. What's wrong
with this picture?" One reader, Andy Doetsch, took
his kids out of daycare and resigned his secure
teaching position in Georgia to stay home because
"neither of us liked having to take the kids to
daycare every day and hearing second hand what new
progress they had made that day."
65% of the mothers answered that having dad at
home did not affect career either way, while 39% of
the dads reported no effect. However, 30% of the
dads noted that being home with the kids hurt their
career somewhat and 24% reported that the
arrangement hurt career a lot. Many of the dads
noted that they miss their former jobs. One such
dad, Larry Cohen, of Brookline, MA, worked
part-time but was still the primary parent as his
wife worked "ridiculously long hours as a medical
resident." Last summer he decided to stay home with
his daughter, Emma, around the clock. He states, "I
miss the adult companionship of my former work (as
a clinical psychologist in a group practice) and I
feel cheated about not being paid for all I
do...and finally resenting doing housework."
Nohe says of his career ambitions, "Go back to
work? Only if I am allowed to think without Mike
screaming (the baby. He is a screamer. Nothing
wrong. Just screams). We've already determined that
when they go to school, I'll get something so I can
be here for them. But hey, I have 5 years to think
about that." Another dad says, "I'm not itching to
get back in the work force. Maybe part time when
both kids go full time to school. I am too
independent to take someone's BS at the workplace
though. I guess I have this type of nerve right now
because my wife is making good money." Comparing
this survey to the one completed last year where he
compared 44 at-home dad families, (published in the
Winter 95 issue), Dr Frank notes the time spent
with the kids alone by moms (20 hours) and dads (50
hours) in at- home dad families were about the
same.
There was one question that had a predictable
answer: Who drives the car when both parents are in
the car. Can you guess? 80% of you said that dad
drove. Bob Frank says of this 80% figure, "This is
a revealing clue that the at-home dad is still
sticking to their core gender roles such as driving
the car and doing the handyman work around the
house."
He goes on to mention that you don't want a
complete role reversal but rather, "a more equal
balance in parenting..this way kids see the dad and
the mom in both roles, which results in a less
stereotypical attitude."
66% of the mothers answered that having dad at
home did not affect career either way, while 39% of
the dads reported no effect. However, 30% of the
dads noted that being home with the kids hurt their
career somewhat and 25% reported that the
arrangement hurt career a lot. Many of the dads
noted that they miss their former jobs. One such
dad, Larry Cohen, of Brookline, MA, worked
part-time but was still the primary parent as his
wife worked "ridiculously long hours as a medical
resident." Last summer he decided to stay home with
his daughter, Emma, around the clock. He states, "I
miss the adult companionship of my former work (as
a clinical psychologist in a group practice) and I
feel cheated about not being paid for all I
do...and finally resenting housework."
Nohe says of his career ambitions, "Go back to
work? Only if I am allowed to think without Mike
screaming. (The baby. He is a screamer. Nothing
wrong. Just screams.) We've already determined that
when they go to school, I'll get something so I can
be here for them. But hey, I have 5 years to think
about that." Another dad says, "I'm not itching to
get back in the work force. Maybe part time when
both kids go full time to school. I am too
independent to take someone's BS at the workplace
though. I guess I have this type of nerve right now
because my wife is making good money." Comparing
this survey to the one completed last year where he
compared 44 at-home dad families, (published in the
Winter 95 issue), Dr. Frank notes the time spent
with the kids alone by moms (20 hours) and dads (50
hours) in at- home dad families were about the
same.
There was one question that had a predictable
answer: Who drives the car when both parents are in
the car. Can you guess? 80% of you said that dad
drove. Dr. Frank says of this 80% figure, "This is
a revealing clue that the at-home dad is still
sticking to their core gender roles such as driving
the car and doing the handyman work around the
house."
Dr. Frank goes on to mention that you don't want
a complete role reversal but rather, "A more equal
balance in parenting..this way kids see the dad and
the mom in both roles, which results in a less
stereotypical attitude."
Survey Stats:
What % of the time do you make social
arrangements for yourself? Father 39% Mother
59%
Who tends to keep track of what needs to be
cleaned around the house? Father 37.5% Mother
13.3% Both 48.9% Other .3%
Hours per week each adult work for pay?
Mother 47 hours Father 8 hours
How much income did you lose due to your
child care arrangement? $26,000
Do you currently run a business out of the
home? Yes - 26.4% No - 73.6%
How long have you been an at-home dad? 33
months
What will you do once all of the children are
in school all day?
Go back or continue to work outside the home -
37.8%
Go back or continue to work inside the home -
25.3%
Not sure - 23.6%
Not work at all .8%
Children in school 9%
Exclusive At-Home Dad Survey Results
#1 - Didn't want daycare
#2 - Wife made more money
#3 - Wife wanted to work more.
#4 - Dad had greater desire to stay home.
©2005, Peter
Baylies
* * *
It is easier to build strong children than to
repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass
Peter
Baylies is the Director, of the At-Home Dad Network
. The At-Home Dad Network is a loose-knit
grassroots organization for primary care dads who
want to start up or join any activity to help
connect at-home dads. Since 1994 we have connected
and promoted home-based fathers across the country
and around the world. It started in with a small
group of dads who wanted to be listed in the the
At-Home Dad Newsletter and grew into a network of
thousands of dads who started dozens of At-Home Dad
Network playgroups, e-mail list servs, media
contacts, conducted research, and the At-Home Dad
Convention. Subscribe to our free online At-Home
Dad Newsletter to be delivered to you via e-mail.
We also invite you to join the new At-Home Dad
Network online message board. where you can connect
with at-home dads next door and around the world.
If you would like to join either the At-Home Dad
Message board and or to receive the free online
newsletter and request to join or ask any questions
in joining or starting a playgroup or need any
resources. If you have any at-home dad news like
the one above, or opinions or events and you would
like me to check out and possibly share with the
readers, send it to Peter Baylies at
athomedad@aol.com
or www.athomedad.com
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