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Miscarriages: Men Grieve Too
Q: My wife just had a miscarriage. I'm
trying to be as strong and supportive as I can but
it's affected me too. I want to talk to someone
about what I'm going through but I'm feeling guilty
about not focusing completely on my wife. What can
I do?
A: Miscarriages, like the pregnancies
they end, have almost always been thought of as
having an emotional impact only on women. But this
simply isn't true. There's no question that men
don't suffer the physical pain of a miscarriage,
but our emotional pain can—and often
is—as severe as women's. Expectant dads, like
expectant moms, have hopes and dreams and fantasies
about their unborn children, and most of us feel a
profound sense of grief when those hopes and dreams
and fantasies are dashed. And like our wives, most
men feel inadequate and guilty when a pregnancy
ends prematurely.
Despite these similarities, men and women
experience and express their grief in very
different ways. Women, for example, are much more
likely to grieve openly and, as a result, are more
likely to get support and comfort from friends and
family. Men, on the other hand, usually keep their
feelings bottled up inside and rarely let anyone
know how much they're hurting.
Whether you want to admit it to anyone or not,
miscarriages take a real toll on your emotions.
It's crucial, then, that you get as much emotional
support as you possibly can and as soon as you can
get it. The first step is to talk it over with your
wife. Ask her how she's feeling and be supportive
and sympathetic, but tell her how you're feeling
too.
If your wife isn't able to be as supportive as
you need her to be (don't be too harsh on her if
she isn't—she's going through a tough time
too), talk to a therapist, your priest or rabbi, or
even a close friend. Whatever you do, don't just
sit back and wait for anyone to ask how you're
feeling: chances are it'll never happen.
If you want something a little more structured,
your hospital or OB can put you in touch with
counselors or support groups specifically geared to
couples who've suffered a miscarriage. Groups like
these—some of which work with couples, some
actually focus on men—can offer a wonderful
experiences, particularly if you haven't been
getting the support you need from your other
sources. A lot of guys who have been to support
groups say that the people in the group were the
very first ones to ask how the men felt about their
loss. Another advantage of working with a special
group is that it'll give you the opportunity to
stop being the tough guy and being strong for your
wife and allow yourself to feel what you need to
feel.
Of course, not everyone's interested in getting
together with a bunch of people who don't have
anything else in common but their sadness. If
you're feeling this way, that's fine. But make sure
you don't give in to the temptation to handle
everything on your own. Stuffing your feelings
inside will only hinder the healing process.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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