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Sex Drive
Dear MrDad: Help! I'm an expectant father
and something's happening to my libido.
A: For some men, sex during pregnancy is
an incredible turn-on. But for others, it borders
on the revolting. Where you stand on the issue
depends on a lot of factors, but one thing is
pretty much guaranteed: When your partner is
pregnant your sex life will change.
In the first trimester your partner's pregnancy
might make you hornier than ever. For many men,
getting a woman pregnant is a kind of confirmation
of their masculinity (before becoming expectant
fathers, a lot of us secretly fear that we're
sterile, and there's nothing like getting a woman
pregnant to make you feel like, well, a fully
functional man). In addition, a lot of expectant
fathers feel closer to their wives than ever
before, and that closeness is often expressed
erotically.
For others, the first trimester (and, possibly,
the entire pregnancy) is a time of decreased sexual
desire. Before your partner got pregnant, for
example, she was your wife, the beautiful, sexy
woman you loved, and her breasts and vagina were
fun. But now that she's pregnant, her body is less
fun and more functional. Even worse, when the
pregnancy's over, you know she's going to be a
mother. And mothers are not always seen as sexy.
And if you believe that sex is purely for
procreation, now that she's pregnant there's no
sense in doing it anymore.
As the pregnancy progresses, the differences
between the wanna-have-sex's and the
don't-wanna-have-sex's continues. Most men, for
example, find their partner's growing body to be
the essence of femininity and, therefore, quite
attractive. Others don't. Their partner's growing
abdomen and leaking breasts may seem more messy
than enticing.
But perhaps the most common reason men (and
women) cut back on their sex life during pregnancy
is a fear that they'll hurt the baby. If you're
concerned about this, you can stop worrying right
now. The baby is safely cushioned in an amniotic
fluid-filled sac and unless you're having very
rough sex you have almost no chance of injuring
anyone.
Your partner's ideas about sex during pregnancy
can also run the gamut. She may feel more connected
to you than ever, and may be much less inhibited
now that you don't have to use birth control
anymore. She may find the idea of having created a
life with you to be wildly erotic and she may be
delighted with her swelling, more feminine
body.
On the other hand, she may be spending a lot of
the first trimester vomiting from morning
sickness--hardly an aphrodisiac. She may be
thinking that mothers aren't supposed to have sex,
she may be worried about hurting the baby, or she
may just be feeling fat.
When it comes to sex, for many couples the
expectant mother's changing body is the source of a
lot of conflict, misunderstanding, and confusion.
You may find the pregnant female form arousing but
not want to do anything sexual because you're
worried that she's feeling unattractive. On the
other hand, your partner may be feeling sexier than
ever but may not want to initiate anything sexual
because she's afraid that you don't like her body
anymore.
The solution here, not surprisingly, is to talk
to each other openly about how you feel and about
your desires and needs. Chances are you'll be
pleasantly surprised at how similarly you feel.
You'll also need to think about expanding your
sexual horizons--especially during the last few
months of the pregnancy, when your partner may find
the missionary position rather uncomfortable or
even impossible.
If you haven't thought of them already, you have
plenty of other ways to both get sexual
satisfaction. Rear entry, side-by-side, or with her
on top are always good. If those don't do the job,
there's always mutual masturbation, oral sex, or
vibrators.
©2007, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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