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Fighting in Front of the Kids
Dear MrDad: My husband and I—like most
couples—have our share of disagreements on how
to parent. One of the things we've been disagreeing
on lately is whether or not it's okay to fight in
front of the kids. What do you think?
A: Parenting approaches are the source of
just about as many marital spats as money and
division of labor. Ideally, you should avoid having
huge fights in front of your children. Kids are
scared and confused when their parents yell at each
other, and researchers have found that the angrier
the parents, the more distressed the children.
But this doesn't mean that whenever the kids are
around, you and your husband always have to see
eye-to-eye (or at least seem to). In fact, just the
opposite is true. As psychologist Brad Sachs says,
"Children of parents who have regular and resolved
fights have higher levels of interpersonal poise
and self-esteem that those whose parents have
chronic unresolved fights or those whose parents
appear not to fight at all."
Your kids can learn plenty from watching you and
your husband disagree, provided you do it civilly.
Seeing how you handle your disagreements
respectfully will encourage your children to do the
same. It may also help them learn some negotiation
and bargaining skills that will come in handy when
trying to convince others of their point of
view.
In addition, there's some evidence that a little
spousal fighting may actually be good for the both
of you, too. Internalizing your anger for long
periods of time can cause all sorts of problems,
including ulcers, high blood pressure, and
depression. And if you don't let off a little steam
now and then, your anger can come out in other more
subtle ways: forgetting to pick up groceries on the
way home from work, double-booking the kids, not
filling up the car with gas, and so on.
So let your children see you and your partner
squabble about easily resolvable things and
schedule weekly or, if necessary, daily meetings
away from the kids to discuss the bigger
issues.
Big or small, if you do ever have a disagreement
in front of your child, pay close attention to how
you make up afterwards. "It is probably useful for
young children to observe how adults re-negotiate
their relationship following a squabble or moments
of hostility," says writer Lilian Katz. "These
observations can reassure the child that when
distance and anger come between her and members of
the family, the relationship is not over but can be
resumed to be enjoyed again."
©2012, Armin Brott
* * *
It's clear that most American children suffer
too much mother and too little father. - Gloria
Steinem
A
nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott
is the author of Blueprint
for Men's Health: A guide to a health
lifestyle,
The
Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for
Dads-to-Be;
The
New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First
Year, A
Dad's Guide to the Toddler
Years, Throwaway
Dads, The
Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a
Partner and Father for
Life. He has written on parenting and fatherhood
for the New York Times Magazine, The
Washington Post, Newsweek and dozens of
other periodicals. He also hosts “Positive
Parenting”, a nationally distributed, weekly
talk show, and lives with his family in Oakland,
California. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com
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