|
June
Handling Conflict with Effective Communication
Conflict between people is a fact of life -- and
it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, a
relationship with frequent conflict may be
healthier than one with no observable conflict.
Conflicts occur at all levels of interaction -- at
work, among friends, within families and between
relationship partners. When conflict occurs, the
relationship may be weakened or strengthened. Thus,
conflict is a critical event in the course of a
relationship. Conflict can cause resentment,
hostility and perhaps the ending of the
relationship. If it is handled well, however,
conflict can be productive - leading to deeper
understanding, mutual respect and closeness.
Whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy
depends not so much on the number of conflicts
between participants, but on how the conflicts are
resolved.
Sometimes people shy away from conflict, and the
reasons for this are numerous. They may, for
example, feel that their underlying anger may go
out of control if they open the door to conflict.
Thus, they may see conflict as an all-or-nothing
situation (either they avoid it altogether or they
end up in an all-out combative mode, regardless of
the real severity of the conflict). Or they may
find it difficult to face conflict because they
feel inadequate in general or in the particular
relationship. They may have difficulty in
positively asserting their views and feelings.
Children who grow up surrounded by destructive
conflict may, as adults, determine never to
participate in discord. In this situation, the
person may never have learned that there are
effective, adaptive ways to communicate in the face
of conflict.
People adopt a number of different styles in
facing conflict. First, it is very common to see a
person avoid or deny the existence of conflict.
Unfortunately, in this case, the conflict often
lingers in the background during interaction
between the participants and creates the potential
for further tension and even more conflict. A
second response style is that of one person getting
mad and blaming the other person. This occurs when
a person mistakenly equates conflict with anger.
This stance does nothing to resolve the conflict
and in fact only serves to increase the degree of
friction between the two participants by amplifying
defensiveness. A third way which some people use to
resolve conflict is by using power and influence to
win at the other's expense. They welcome conflict
because it allows their competitive impulses to
emerge, but they fail to understand that the
conflict is not really resolved since the "loser"
will continue to harbor resentment. Similarly, some
people appear to compromise in resolving the
conflict, but they subtly manipulate the other
person in the process, and this, again, perpetuates
the conflict between the two parties and
compromises the trust between them. There are
better ways to handle interpersonal conflict.
Healthy Approaches to Conflict Resolution
Conflicts run all the way from minor,
unimportant differences to disputes which can
threaten the existence of a relationship. Conflicts
with a loved one or a long-term friend are, of
course, different from negotiating with someone who
does not care about your needs, like a stranger or
a salesperson. However, there is an underlying
principle that underscores all successful conflict
resolution. That is, both parties must view their
conflict as a problem to be solved mutually so that
both parties have the feeling of winning -- or at
least finding a solution which is acceptable to
both. Each person must participate actively in the
resolution and make an effort and commitment to
find answers which are as fair as possible to both.
This is an easy principle to understand, but it is
often difficult to put into practice.
We may get so caught up with our own immediate
interests that we damage our relationships. If we
disregard or minimize the position of the other
person, if fear and power are used to win, or if we
always have to get our own way, the other person
will feel hurt and the relationship may be wounded.
Similarly, if we always surrender just to avoid
conflict, we give the message to the other person
that it is acceptable to act self-serving at our
expense and insensitive to our needs. Our feeling
of self-worth suffers, resentment festers, and we
feel poisoned in the relationship. Instead, it is
healthier if both parties can remain open, honest,
assertive and respectful of the other position.
Mutual trust and respect, as well as a positive,
constructive attitude, are fundamental necessities
in relationships that matter.
Preventing Conflict
Most people have no interest in creating
conflict with others. Most of us know enough about
human behavior to distinguish between healthy
communication and the words or actions that
contribute to rocky relationships. It is in our
interest to maintain relations which are smooth,
flexible, and mutually enhancing. The problem
occurs when we fail to use cooperative approaches
consistently in our dealing with others. We seldom
create conflict intentionally. We do it because we
may not be aware of how our own behavior
contributes to interpersonal problems. Sometimes we
forget, or we are frustrated and annoyed, and
sometimes we just have a bad day. At times we feel
so exasperated that we focus on our own needs at
the expense of others'. And then we find ourselves
in conflict.
To prevent conflict from happening in the first
place, it is important to identify the ways in
which we contribute to the disagreement. One way of
doing this is to identify a specific, recent
conflicted situation, recall what you said, and
then think specifically about how you could have
used more effective language. Think about ways in
which your communication could have set a more
trustful tone or reduced defensiveness. Then, once
you have identified your part in the conflict, such
as blaming, practice working on that particular
behavior for a day or a week. At the end of the
time period, evaluate your progress. Did you
succeed? In what situations did you not succeed?
(While it may be the other person who created the
conflict, you are the other half of the interaction
and it is your own response that you have control
over and can change.)
Using Effective Communication Techniques to
Reduce Conflict
Once you find yourself in a conflicted situation
with someone else, it is important to reduce the
emotional charge from the situation so that you and
the other person can deal with your differences on
a rational level in resolving the conflict.
The Defusing Technique
The other person might be angry and may come to
the situation armed with a number of arguments
describing how you are to blame for his or her
unhappiness. Your goal is to address the other's
anger -- and you do this by simply agreeing with
the person. When you find some truth in the other
point of view, it is difficult for the other person
to maintain anger. For example, "I know that I said
I would call you last night. You are absolutely
right. I wish I could be more responsible
sometimes." The accusation might be completely
unreasonable from your viewpoint, but there is
always some truth in what the other person says. At
the very least, we need to acknowledge that
individuals have different ways of seeing things.
This does not mean that we have to compromise our
own basic principles. We simply validate the
other's stance so that we can move on to a
healthier resolution of the conflict. This may be
hard to do in a volatile situation, but a sign of
individual strength and integrity is the ability to
postpone our immediate reactions in order to
achieve positive goals. Sometimes we have to "lose"
in order, ultimately, to "win."
Empathy
Try to put yourself into the shoes of the other
person. See the world through their eyes. Empathy
is an important listening technique that gives the
other feedback that he or she is being heard. There
are two forms of empathy. "Thought Empathy" gives
the message that you understand what the other is
trying to say. You can do this in conversation by
paraphrasing the words of the other person. For
example, "I understand you to say that your trust
in me has been broken." "Feeling Empathy" is your
acknowledgment of how the other person probably
feels. It is important never to attribute emotions
that may not exist for the other person (such as,
"You're confused with all your emotional upheaval
right now"), but rather to indicate your perception
of how the person must be feeling. For example, "I
guess you probably feel pretty mad at me right
now."
Exploration
Ask gentle, probing questions about what the
other person is thinking and feeling. Encourage the
other to talk fully about what is on his or her
mind. For example, "Are there any other thoughts
that you need to share with me?"
Using "I" Statements
Take responsibility for your own thoughts rather
than attributing motives to the other person. This
decreases the chance that the other person will
become defensive. For example, "I feel pretty upset
that this thing has come between us." This
statement is much more effective than saying, "You
have made me feel very upset."
Stroking
Find positive things to say about the other
person, even if the other is angry with you. Show a
respectful attitude. For example, "I genuinely
respect you for having the courage to bring this
problem to me. I admire your strength and your
caring attitude."
Although it seems that people are being kinder
and gentler with each other these days, nerves are
also frayed and anxieties are high -- a good
formula for upsets and misunderstandings. The ideas
presented in this article can help all of us
continue to be more aware and compassionate in our
dealings with one another.
©2008, Paul
& Layne Cutright
* * *
Lovers know what they want, but not what they
need. - Publilius Syrus
Paul
and Layne Cutright are marriage and business
partners who have been teaching principles and
practices for successful relationships since 1976.
They are the founders of The Center for Enlightened
Partnership (www.enlightenedpartners.com),
an online learning and resource center providing
e-learning products, teleclasses and coaching. They
are authors of the Amazon Best Seller,
You’re
Never Upset for the Reason You
Think and
Straight
From the Heart. They
publish a free monthly e-zine filled with
inspiration and practical tools for all your valued
relationships (www.enlightenedpartners.com/newsletter.html).
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
