Keeping the Love Alive: Selfing, the Cure for
Resentment - Part II
When your world is filled with many wonderful
opportunities, it can feel difficult if you feel
you must choose between them, and it's equally
rough if you have a hard time saying no to people.
Yet saying yes to everything can lead to both
over-commitment and resentment, which can erode
your relationships, whether at work or home or in
Many people feel the symptoms of this without
realizing what, exactly, is going on. See if you
recognize yourself in any of these symptoms:
- feeling conflicted in what you "should" do
versus what you "want" to do,
- feeling exhausted,
- feeling guilty because you are afraid you
are letting others down,
- not having enough time,
- feeling resentful, and
- feeling as if the weight of the world is
resting on your shoulders.
If you have any of these feelings, it's time to
take your life back. It's time to collect your
personal energy and redistribute it according to
your priorities. Take your power back from the
invisible tyrannies of a material culture that
says, "More-more, faster-faster is a better way of
The solution is something we call "selfing,"
neither selfish nor selfless, but the perfect
balance between the two. Selfing is the skill of
being true to yourself and making commitments to
others only when it does not involve sacrifice. (In
this context, sacrifice means doing something you
don't want to do because you fear what might happen
if you don't. For more on this, see part 1 of this
Needing to accommodate others' desires and curry
their favor at your own expense can be a cruel
master; living your life according to other
people's terms of success is no kind of life--or
success--at all. Take your life back and recommit
it to the people and activities that bring you the
most peace, happiness and long-term satisfaction.
Here's how you can start today:
- Make a list of the relationships and
activities that bring you the most peace,
satisfaction and a sense of deep meaning in your
life. Be sure to include time for regenerating
and inspiring yourself.
- Make note of how much time you spend in
those activities or honoring and nurturing those
relationships. Does it seem that you aren't
giving enough to these areas?
- Create the time to honor your priorities.
Perhaps you'll have to start declining some
invitations or scheduling your time better and
then sticking to it. Perhaps you may have to set
some new boundaries with friends or
- Write down the obstacles to re-ordering your
life to your true priorities.
- Create a strategy to overcome the obstacles.
Get help from a friend or coach if you need
- Refuse the efforts of others to manipulate,
control or produce guilt in you. Be willing to
upset the status quo for a while till things
find a new and healthier balance.
- Commit to loving yourself enough to stay on
track with this new resolve.
Your life belongs to you. If you don't take care
of it, you will suffer and everyone who really
cares about you will suffer. The high art of
self-love and self-care cannot be delegated. When
you do honor yourself, you honor those you care
about, too. You create relationships in which
everyone can share true feelings and genuine
commitment without sacrifice. Instead, they are
filled with honesty and the real desire to live,
love, play, work, or build something of value
& Layne Cutright
* * *
Lovers know what they want, but not what they
need. - Publilius Syrus
and Layne Cutright are marriage and business
partners who have been teaching principles and
practices for successful relationships since 1976.
They are the founders of The Center for Enlightened
an online learning and resource center providing
e-learning products, teleclasses and coaching. They
are authors of the Amazon Best Seller,
Never Upset for the Reason You
From the Heart. They
publish a free monthly e-zine filled with
inspiration and practical tools for all your valued
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