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October
Communication, Communication, Communication: The
First Secret for Successful Relationships
You know the old adage for success in real estate.
Location, location, location. Well, a similar adage
could apply to success in relationships. Only, it
would be communication, communication,
communication!
Nothing is more important than your
relationships, because your relationships affect
every part of your life. We think you'll agree it
is in your relationships that your deepest feelings
arise. Your relationships can take you from the
depths of hurt, disappointment, rage, and grief to
the heights of joy, love, anticipation, and ecstasy
- sometimes all in the same day and all within one
relationship!
There is no question that relating with our
fellow human beings can sometimes be heartwarming
and magical and at other times tedious and
agonizing. The fact is most problems in
relationships are born of misunderstanding and
miscommunication.
As individuals we live on our own solitary
islands of reality, absorbed in and fascinated by
our own points of view. Frequently we reach out to
one another seeking to understand or be understood.
The bridge between our separate realities is
communication. Communication is what joins us with
others. To communicate is to relate; without
communication of some kind there is no
relationship.
To a very large degree the quality of your
relationships depends upon the quality of your
communication. And it is the breakdowns in
communication that often generate the heartbreak
and disappointment of unfulfilled dreams, visions,
and goals. The most treasured moments in our lives
occur when we as individuals connect from the heart
with the soul of someone else. Most people
experience this rarely, if ever.
What we have discovered is that these moments of
true connection can be deliberately created. There
are principles and processes that you can learn to
help you develop the skill to fill your life with
these kinds of moments. When you do this, you will
be reawakened to your capacity to connect deeply
with the people you care about most in an upwelling
of compassion.
"What is one of the biggest challenges you have
in your relationships?" we often ask participants
in our teleclasses and workshops. What we hear over
and over again is, "Communication!"
Most people have a lot of frustration and
confusion associated with communication. They
recognize that they need to talk about some
difficult issues but often don't know how to bring
them up. Nor do they trust their ability to
navigate all the way through the rough spots to
honest, heartfelt resolution for everyone
concerned.
Some people talk incessantly, as if in a
desperate attempt to be heard and validated, but
instead end up driving people away. Others are very
closed and secretive, as if they are afraid of
being found out somehow. Still others seem to blame
everything wrong in their lives on others, then
wonder why they feel isolated and alone. Some
people never seem to listen, but are always quick
either to talk about themselves or to offer
unsolicited advice.
Do you do any of these things in your
relationships? Do you know anyone who does? When
someone is speaking to you, are you so busy
thinking about what you want to say that sometimes
you don't even hear the other person? Do you feel
safe letting people know when you are afraid or
insecure, or do you think you are supposed to
appear strong and in control to be loved or
respected? Can you talk freely about the things
that are truly important to you, as well as the
things that bother you, or are you afraid of
appearing vulnerable and foolish?
What if you felt totally at ease and comfortable
being your true, authentic self in your
relationships with others? What do you think would
happen if you felt safe enough to tell the truth
about your thoughts and feelings all the time in
your relationships? What if others felt safe enough
to tell you the truth about their thoughts and
feelings? How do you think you would feel about
each other?
Our experience with our students and clients has
shown over and over again that they end up feeling
closer and more trusting with each other. There is
a direct correlation between honesty, intimacy, and
trust. Have you ever told someone you care about
that you want to have a "heart-to-heart talk"?
For most people, having a heart to heart implies
there is some truth or feeling to share. It could
be any of a number of things: an expression of love
and acknowledgment, a request for (or offer of)
advice or counsel on a sensitive matter, or, just
as easily, a problem or an upset. In all cases a
request for a heart-to-heart talk implies value to
the relationship and a certain level of existing
trust.
Outside the context of such conversations,
however, problems arise all too frequently in
relationships because of miscommunication and
misunderstanding. Feelings get hurt; there is
anger, sadness, and defensiveness. The walls go up,
and usually there is no further discussion. Over
time love becomes more of a concept than a feeling.
("Why, of course I love you. Don't be silly!")
Trust diminishes, and real intimacy is lost.
Usually when people are having problems and
misunderstandings, they tend to think there is
something wrong with them, or the other person, or
both. The more disappointments you have over time,
the more this attitude is reinforced.
We have a different point of view, however. What
we have discovered is that people have problems and
misunderstandings in their relationships not
because there is something wrong with them, but
rather because they lack education in the
fundamental principles and practices of successful
relationships.
If you approach relationship challenges with the
attitude there is something to learn - and you can
learn it - as opposed to the attitude that there is
something wrong with you that needs fixing, then
your chances of producing successful relationships
are greatly increased.
One of the most important skills to learn and
practice in relationships is the art of successful
communication. When you practice effective,
satisfying communication you are rewarded with
relationships filled with more love, intimacy,
understanding and trust.
©2008, Paul
& Layne Cutright
* * *
Lovers know what they want, but not what they
need. - Publilius Syrus
Paul
and Layne Cutright are marriage and business
partners who have been teaching principles and
practices for successful relationships since 1976.
They are the founders of The Center for Enlightened
Partnership (www.enlightenedpartners.com),
an online learning and resource center providing
e-learning products, teleclasses and coaching. They
are authors of the Amazon Best Seller,
You’re
Never Upset for the Reason You
Think and
Straight
From the Heart. They
publish a free monthly e-zine filled with
inspiration and practical tools for all your valued
relationships (www.enlightenedpartners.com/newsletter.html).
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