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Exclusionary Play
"Abigail is such a pest!" exclaims my daughter,
Molly, as she approaches me from behind and begins
to rub her hands back and forth across the two day
old stubble on my chin. We are on vacation at a
family camp. I am in a lawn chair, enjoying a
relaxed conversation with other parents while our
children are off playing together, happily, I
thought. Abigail is the younger sister of Shamus,
the boy Molly has attached herself to since the day
we got here. Apparently, while the adults have been
kicking back, trouble has been brewing amongst the
children. "She won't leave Shamus and I alone. We
keep telling her to go away. And she keeps
following us. And all she does is whine. And now
she says Shamus and I can't ride bikes together
'cause she won't let Shamus use her bike and
Shamus' bike has a flat."
"Why doesn't Abigail play with someone else?" I
ask, hoping for an easy solution. "I told her to go
play with Melissa, but she won't," Molly replies.
Then her face takes on a mischievous grin. "So you
know what we did?" she excitedly reports. "Shamus
and I pretended that Abigail wasn't there. Like she
was invisible. When she talked we just said, 'I
don't hear anything, do you?' And when she touched
us we said, 'Oh, what's that funny feeling on my
skin!' Then she started throwing rocks at us. So we
ditched her. Now she's crying, but she won't stop
following us."
Nope, this was not an easy fix. With great
reluctance I heaved myself up from that wonderful
lawn chair and resigned myself to the call to
parent. I felt bad for Abigail. I remember when two
girls in my neighborhood would exclude me from
their play. I used to look out my window at the
house across the street and imagine all the fun
they were having in there without me. But I also
remember feeling disgusted at what a pest my little
brother could be in front of my friends.
"Molly," I began as we walked slowly toward
where the other kids were, "Did you know that you
can actually drive someone crazy by pretending they
don't exist? Not right away of course, but if
everybody at this camp picked one person and we all
completely ignored that person, it could happen. If
no one talks to you or looks at you or hears you,
then you start to do crazier and crazier things to
try to get someone's attention. That's probably why
Abigail started throwing rocks."
"But why can't Abigail get attention from
somebody else" Molly protested.
"Well that's probably the best solution. But the
funny thing is that when kids get rejected they
often feel desperate to get attention from whoever
rejected them. The more you and Shamus reject
Abigail, the more desperate she probably feels
about playing with you." Molly seemed to understand
this, so I added for my own amusement, "Oddly
enough, it tends to work that way among adults
too."
"So what can we do to get her to leave us
alone?" Molly implored, unsatisfied with my
ruminations on human nature. This is a hard
situation. I felt challenged to come up with a
solution. I wondered how we adults could expect
kids to be able to work something like this out.
When I was a kid we were left on our own to deal
with our peers. Cruelty was a common result. Molly
needed answers. Abigail needed help.
"Let's see," I began, "you could tell Abigail
some things you like about her so that she won't
think your desire to play with Shamus alone means
that she is not worth playing with. And, you could
think of something you wouldn't mind playing with
Abigail and promise to do that with her later. And,
you could help her find someone else to play
with."
"Will you play with her?" Molly asked. I felt
like I did when I made lemonade one day for Molly's
juice stand and then she charged me fifty cents to
drink a dixie cup of my own lemonade.
"No," I explained, "that's not really my job.
But let's go find Abigail's mom and let her know
that Abigail needs some help making friends with
some of the other kids."
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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