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Teenagers and Sex: Are They Ready? by Tim
Hartnett, PhD and Amy Cooper, DHS
“When should a person become sexually
active?” a fellow counselor asked an audience
of parents and middle school students. The question
was meant to be rhetorical, a springboard from
which to lecture on the subject, but a sixth grader
spontaneously blurted out his answer. “Not
until you are thirty.”
The young man was surprised when his comment
received laughter and grateful applause from many
of the parents in the room. Was he aware what a
relief it would be for parents if all teenagers had
this attitude? Does he know the agony parents
suffer over teenage sexuality?
Many otherwise confident parents find themselves
baffled about how to deal with teenage sex. Should
we use a strong hand to protect our children from
making serious mistakes? Or should we be
non-judgmental, so that our kids will feel safe to
talk to us about their sexual decisions? Maybe we
should let sleeping dogs lie, and just hope that
our kids won’t be sexual until they are
ready.
What is the Law?
The question of when a person is ready to have
sex is one American society has not yet figured
out. Even the law is ambivalent. The “age of
consent” (when a person can legally engage in
sexual activity) ranges from 14 to 18 in the United
States. In each state the specific legal age
depends upon many factors including the type of
sexual activity and the age of the teenager’s
sexual partner.
What is Normal?
One might be tempted to ask what is the
“normal” age for people to start being
sexually active. The data on this, however, also
fails to settle our cultural ambivalence. Recent
findings from The National Survey of Family Growth
report that 46 percent of males and 47 percent of
females, age fifteen to nineteen, claim to have had
sex. With this relatively even split, one might
conclude that it is both normal for teenagers to
have sex and normal for them not to have sex.
What is Right?
A family’s views on sex are likely to be
derived not just from the law or norms of what
other people do, but from their ethical or
religious views. Values about sexuality vary
considerably. Some hold the “sexually
liberated” view that sex is a healthy human
pleasure to be enjoyed whenever it is safe and
consensual. Others believe that sex is morally
appropriate only for procreation and should only
occur within a marriage. Given the differences, it
is not surprising that there is much controversy
about whether and how to provide sex education to
teenagers. Most people’s values, however, fall
somewhere between these poles. They respect that
sexual readiness is a personal decision which
depends on many factors. And most parents would
agree that teenagers should not be having sex
before they are ready.
What Defines Sexual Readiness?
So how does one determine if and when a teenager
is ready to be sexually active? We propose that the
qualifications are not merely a matter of age.
Having a certain number of birthdays does not
prepare anyone for safe and successful sexual
experiences. Rather, it is our preparation for the
ethical, psychological, social, and physical
aspects of sex that determines our readiness. Two
teenagers of the same age may have very different
degrees of psycho-social maturity. They may also
have different access to sexual health information.
These differences can determine whether their
sexual activity is likely to be healthy or
potentially disastrous.
A rational basis for determining sexual
readiness must therefore take multiple
considerations into account. We have outlined eight
areas of concern below.
Consideration #1: Knowledge of Disease and
Pregnancy Prevention
Responsible sex requires that participants know
how to protect themselves from unintended pregnancy
and sexually transmitted diseases. Some sexual
activities do not pose a health or pregnancy risk.
Others pose risks that can be mitigated. And some
very common sexual activities court serious
consequences. Being uninformed on these topics can
result in crisis situations that may alter the
trajectory of a young person’s life. Thus,
having accurate and up-to-date information is an
important prerequisite to becoming sexually
active.
Consideration #2: Reflection on the Impact of
Pregnancy or Disease
Knowing how to have sex safely does not insure
that safe sex practices will be faithfully
employed. Having sex responsibly requires that
participants give serious thought to the possible
consequences of sexual activity. “What if your
method of birth control fails?” “What if
you are deceived by the information you get from a
sexual partner?” It is important to face the
reality that sexual intercourse, for example, is
never completely safe. One should consider,
“Is any level of risk worth taking at this
point in my life?”
Consideration #3: Addressing Moral and
Ethical Issues
The decision to be sexual or not can have a
profound affect on your sense of identity. It
forces you to choose between competing sets of
values. Your family, church, and peers may all try
to influence you. They may claim that your honor,
your goodness, your popularity, or your manhood or
womanhood is at stake. Only if you are confident
that your worth as a person is not based on whether
you do or do not have sex are you free to make your
own decisions. Still, it is important to realize
that people may shame you or judge you, whatever
you decide. How will you respond to such
judgments?
Consideration #4: Self-Esteem and Decision
Making
Sexual situations present very strong challenges
to a person’s ability to make their own
decisions and stay committed to those decisions.
Peer pressure and biological drives can both exert
a powerful influence. Responsible decisions about
sex can only be consistently made if you have the
personal maturity to follow your own best thinking
in spite of what others may want you to do or what
your body desires. What are your limits around
being sexual? What pressures might affect your
resolve to stick to your own decisions?
Consideration #5: Ability to Communicate
Sexual Needs and Feelings
Creating positive sexual experiences for
yourself requires that you be able to express your
sexual preferences, needs, and feelings. If you are
not yet comfortable talking about sex, then you are
unlikely to be able to insure that your sexual
experiences will be consensual and mutually
satisfying. . Can you say the names of sexual body
parts? Can you describe sexual activities that you
consent to or do not consent to doing? Can you talk
this way with the person you would consider having
sex with? How specific can you be about your needs
and your limits?
Consideration #6: Ability to Handle
Relationship Dynamics
The dynamics of relationships are often very
emotionally challenging. Strong feelings of
rejection, jealousy, and guilt can all be part of
any teenage dating landscape. The intensity of
these feelings is often dramatically increased,
however, when sex is involved. Have you thought
about how you will feel if your relationship
changes after having had sex?
Consideration #7: Knowledge of Sexual Anatomy
and Functioning
Much of the traumas people report from their
first sexual experiences are due to a lack of
understanding about how to have sex in a mutually
satisfying way. The many unrealistic myths about
sex that are portrayed in the media often set young
people up for disappointment and humiliation.
Understanding how male and female bodies actually
function is important background information for
healthy sexual experiences. This includes both
learning about your own body through masturbation,
as well as learning about how the other gender
experiences sexual pleasure. Do you know how male
and female bodies contain or build sexual energy?
Do you know how they reach orgasm? Do you
understand that individuals differ in these
regards?
Consideration #8: Making Sense of Childhood
Sexual Experiences
Many teenagers have already had sexual
experiences as children. Sometimes these
experiences constituted abuse. Other situations may
have been age-appropriate explorations (like
playing “doctor”). They may have involved
partners of either gender. Usually these sexual
contacts occurred without thoughtful discussion.
Thus, questions about the meaning of these
experiences may linger. If so, these unresolved
experiences might influence our readiness for new
sexual encounters. What sexual experiences have you
already had? How have they affected you, your
feelings about sex, and your feelings about males
and females? Would it be helpful to talk about this
with a counselor to help you understand your prior
experiences better?
These considerations offer the basis for a more
thoughtful answer to the question of sexual
readiness. Some parents may use this outline to
articulate why they believe their teenager is not
ready for sex. Others may decide that their
teenager is sufficiently prepared to justify
supporting them to begin sexual relationships. When
rational considerations determine sexual readiness
we can become less fixed on the idea that
chronological age is the only pertinent factor.
This outline can also be used to discuss sexual
readiness with a teenager. Talking with your teen
about sex is a challenging task. Fortunately, there
are many good books available on the subject.
Parents who are not comfortable discussing the
topic themselves, however, can still help their
teens by finding an informed adult that can help.
Much as we might like, not all teens are going to
wait until they are thirty. They may need someone
to talk to now.
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
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Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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