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Men and Suspicion of Child Abuse
I'm sitting in a child care center with my
daughter, Molly, in my lap. We are reading a book
before we go home. Another girl joins us by
climbing into my lap. Halfway through the book
Molly runs off to find her shoes. The other girl's
mother, who I have not met, walks in to find her
daughter alone on my lap.
I smile and make eye contact. I am interested in
meeting this mother, but I am struck with another
priority as well. I feel the need to indirectly
reassure her that I am not a child molester. That
even though I am a man, her daughter is safe with
me.
I have no idea if she is worried about me or
not. My fear that she may hesitate to trust me is a
projection. It is based not on my observation of
her (she seems calm), but on my awareness of the
fact that the fear of sexual abuse is in the back
of a lot of people's minds. It's in my mind a lot
because I have heard the stories of many sexual
abuse survivors, both friends and clients. And I
have also counseled people who have sexually abused
children and wanted to stop.
The statistics on sexual abuse vary depending on
how broadly sexual abuse is defined. By any
definition, though, it happens too often. And men
are the abusers in the majority, but certainly not
all, of the cases. (This is probably a good place
to dispel the prejudiced myth that homosexuals are
more prone to be sexual abusers of children than
heterosexuals. This is NOT true.)
So I understand why I, because I am a man, might
not automatically be trusted. And I have met people
I would not trust to have unsupervised contact with
my daughter. So I consider it my responsibility to
help other parents trust me. I try to project
relaxed confidence that will say, "No shameful
uncontrollable urges to hide here!" I can't work
too hard to appear innocent, or my efforting might
be cause for suspicion. And I don't think it would
work to speak directly about the issue, "Say, by
the way, in case you were wondering, I am not a
child molester!"
So I just try to be nice. And let trust grow as
people get to know me. But inside it hurts to not
be trusted. It hurts to have to prove my innocence
with each new person. And it hurts that my manhood
is something that arouses suspicion.
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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