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Our Family Talks About Sex
Nan, a cousin of mine who works in human services,
was visiting recently. As I cooked dinner she told
me the results of a recent study on teenage
contraceptive use. Apparently, since most high
school sex education is now "abstinence based", it
is difficult for sexually active teens to get good
information on how to have sex safely. They are
simply told not to have sex. So when they do have
sex, they are often unprepared for the decisions
and communication necessary to have sex
responsibly. In the middle of our conversation, my
eight year old daughter, Molly, came in looking for
food. Nan stopped in mid-sentence. I asked her to
continue.
She nodded uncomfortably in Molly's
direction.
"What are you guys talking about?" Molly wanted
to know.
"Sex," I said to Molly.
"Oh," she said, relieved that we weren't talking
about her. "Are there any pretzels?"
I again urged Nan to continue, explaining that
Molly often hears us talk about sex, and there is
no reason to hide any information from her. It was
a struggle for Nan to get past her reflexive fear
of taking about sex with a child present. Only by
asking direct questions could I convince her to
continue.
Molly munched her pretzels while I asked Nan,
"How feasible is it to think teenagers could talk
honestly about their sexual history or HIV status?"
and
"Are there many teenagers who are enjoying sex
without actually having intercourse?" We talked
about how the "heat of the moment" can impair the
judgment of even well informed adults.
Afterwards Nan asked how Molly got to be so
comfortable overhearing such a conversation. I
explained that her mom, Sue, and I have talked
openly since she was a baby. We wanted to avoid the
classic American pattern that we both suffered from
as children.
My parents never talked about sex. They
completely avoided the subject, except for a lone
"birds and bees" talk. This single moment of their
availability failed miserably because I had no
questions that I dared ask these people who were so
obviously uncomfortable with the subject. Instead,
I got my information from peers, most of whom were
woefully lacking in maturity. My lack of education
created numerous problems for me as a young man,
but I will spare you the details.
So Sue and I started out early, reading to Molly
from preschool books about where babies come from.
Later we liked "A Kid's First Book About Sex" by
Joani Blank and Marcia Quackenbush. Molly was
usually only interested in a little information at
a time. A lot of it sounds pretty abstract to a
youngster. We were careful to notice when her
attention for the subject drifted.
There are some subjects about which Sue and I
feel too vulnerable to discuss with Molly present.
When we talk generally about sex, however, we try
to include her. Often, when we watch romatic
comedies on video we use the pause button so we can
explain any sexual innuendoes that may have been
confusing to Molly. In addition, every year Sue
takes Molly to the gay pride march. This provides
Molly a good opportunity for learning about the
many different ways people can have sex.
When Molly has her own friends over, however, we
observe the normal cultural discretion. A sudden
exposure to open talk about sex can be very
confusing and embarrassing for a child. We also
make sure Molly is aware of the cultural
expectations she can expect outside of our
home.
Our goal is to provide Molly with all the
information she needs to make responsible choices
and be able to communicate comfortably abut sex
before she becomes sexually active. We consider
this a safer and less frustrating route than the
cultural norm of leaving teens fumbling in the
dark.
We would never dream of letting our child grow
up without learning how to read. Likewise, we would
feel negligent as parents if our own embarrassment
stopped us from preparing Molly for the pleasures
and dangers of sex.
© 2008 Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Parents are the bones on which children sharpen
their teeth. - Peter Ustinov
Tim
Hartnett, MFT is father to Molly at their home in
Santa Cruz, CA. Tim also works part time as a
writer, psychotherapist and men's group leader. If
you have any feedback, or would like to receive the
monthly column, "Daddyman Speaks" by Tim Hartnett
regularly via email, (free and confidential) send
your name and email address to E-Mail
Tim Hartnett, 911 Center St. Suite "C", Santa Cruz,
CA 95060, 831.464.2922 voice & fax.
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