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Parenting is challenging
Parenting is challenging my concept of equality. I
have long held as a core value that, as Lincoln
articulated it, all men are created equal. That
always seemed fair to me (once "men" was translated
to mean "people"). Since I was a child I, perhaps
naively, expected fairness from this world. It was
a blow to realize how unequally people are treated
after they are born. The unfairness of this has
fueled the passion with which I pursue progressive
politics.
But now even my assumption of equality upon
creation is under question. Parents tell me all the
time how different their children are. Sometimes it
is just a matter of one being good at art and
another good at music, without value judgments
attached to the differences. Sometimes one child
just seems to have a stronger sense of herself than
her sibling. She is better at almost everything she
tries, including getting along with others. It is
hard to see the equality in that. And sometimes a
disability saddles a child with difficulties that
seem grossly unfair.
As parents we are supposed to treat our children
equally. I don't think we can ever do this
perfectly. "Gifted" children tend to evoke more
genuine pride from their parents, leaving the
others feeling less than. "Special needs" children
often evoke more special attention, leaving the
others feeling neglected. No matter how hard
parents try, they can't make it all equal for their
kids. We do our best, but we are people too. We
have our own feelings, values, and dreams. Many
parents, if they were honest, would admit to loving
one of their children above the rest. They don't
choose it that way. That's just how they feel.
Like Tommy Smothers, many adults feel that they
were the less loved of their mother or father. In
my family, extroversion was highly prized. The
quieter of us were a disappointment to my mother.
She hid it well. But we knew.
In my practice and in my life I have come to
know people whose gifts were never recognized in
their families. The values of the parents were
mismatched with what the child had to offer. The
parents were looking for the spectacle of a
mountain range, and the child held only the beauty
of a flower. But which is more, really?
The Little Prince said "That which is important
is invisible to the eye". Perhaps to see the
equality of our creation takes a questioning of our
assumptions about what is of value and what is not.
Or a questioning of our parents values. Perhaps
what we achieve or how impressive we are is not the
best gauge of our worth.
I have only one child. So my loyalty to her is
not challenged by the possibility of admiring her
sibling more. I am grateful for that. But I still
feel disappointment in her at times. The world
offers so many dazzling comparisons. The boy who
started playing soccer when he was three. The girl
who can sing back a whole song in tune after
hearing it once.
So far, though, I haven't met any quite like my
own.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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