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We're NOT Number One! (And we don't wanna
be.)
On the way to the "end of the season" soccer party,
my daughter, Molly confidently announces, "When I
grow up I want to be on the Women's World Cup
Soccer team." Molly is six years old. I do not have
to take this as a final decision. "That's a good
goal," I reply, allowing her to dream about what
that would be like. I have more to say, but it can
wait.
When I was young I too dreamed of being the best
in the world at something. Then, I thought, maybe
everyone would admire me. I did not want to be lost
in the masses of people who are pretty good, but
not the best. So much attention goes to the star,
that I felt nothing short of fame would suffice. At
my audition, I told the director of my high school
play to cast me in the lead role, or not to cast me
at all. He paused, then asked if I would like to be
on the stage crew.
What I will eventually tell Molly is that there
is a price for being the best at something. Sure,
she can try to make the World Cup team, but to
actually do so, she must make soccer her entire
life. That means that as a teenager she won't have
time to do much else, like piano, homework
journalism, drama, dance, art, aikido, volunteering
to help others, or even dating boys and hanging out
with friends. She will have to go to bed early
every weekend night in preparation for tomorrow's
game. To be the best at something that millions
compete for requires a single focus and results in
a very unbalanced life.
Still, there are many who are willing to
sacrifice everything else in pursuit of being
number one. Most who make the sacrifices don't ever
get to claim the reward. Perhaps you remember Mark
Spitz, who won seven gold medals swimming in the
1976 Olympics. But does anyone remember the guy who
came in second in those seven races? He practiced
the same long hours, shaved all the hair off his
body, and thought of nothing else. And then he
lost.
And what about the winners? Mark Spitz
sacrificed his childhood and adolescence for his
goal. Who cares about him now? I imagine just his
friends and family. Just like you and me.
We must be careful about what we sacrifice in
pursuit of being number one. Sometimes parents push
their children really hard to win. It is with the
best intentions that we want our children to
succeed. But parental pride may also spring from
our own sense of inadequacy. We may want our
children to succeed where we have failed.
When we push our kids hard we sacrifice their
sense of themselves as being unconditionally loved.
This sets them up for a life where they always need
to be achieving something, never content and
relaxed with who they are.
I was pushed to succeed as a child. Now when I
get some "free time" I run to my list of things to
do. I live for the fleeting satisfaction of
crossing something off that list. I need the touch
of a hand on my shoulder and a whispered reminder
that "free time" is time I can just be free.
The recent push in our schools for standardized
testing has given parents and schools a new avenue
in which to compete. State-wide and county-wide
scores are posted on the internet and everyone can
look to see whose school is number one.
The purpose of the statewide testing is to
ensure that students are getting the academic
education they need to be successful in life. The
testing is helpful in identifying which schools and
which students are testing below grade level and
need extra help.
This purpose is distorted, however, if schools
compete to see who can churn out the very highest
scores. To be the best, most students must perform
well beyond their grade level. Accomplishing this
developmentally inappropriate task requires so much
focus on academics that the rest of our children's
education and quality of life may be getting
sacrificed.
Specifically, many schools are attempting to
boost their scores by: cutting physical education,
music, drama and art programs, standardizing all
curriculum (which limits teacher's creativity and
passion); focusing teaching on the topics covered
in the SAT9 test (replacing poetry projects with
spelling contests), strictly limiting field trips,
and other measures to focus students solely on
academics.
That's not what I want. When Molly is in fourth
grade I don't want her to read like a sixth grader,
if it means that she will not know how to dance, or
draw, or sing, or juggle. I want her to feel like
school is fun. I want her to play with her friends
after school, not hurry home to do her homework. If
she is meeting grade level expectations, that is
good enough for me.
So I am opting out of this competition. I trust
that Molly will be successful in her future career
because of her passion and interest in her chosen
field. I hope she does not feel driven by the need
to be number one. It is a trap I hope we all can
avoid.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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