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Believing in Children's Goodness
It had been a rough day of parenting, full of
challenges to my authority. In the late afternoon
my daughter and I were shopping for Halloween
costumes. With great excitement she showed me her
choice, a white satin robe with gold trim, wings,
and a halo. I thought it was cute. But a loud
thought in the back of my mind disturbed this
lovely moment. I heard myself thinking, "No, honey,
you are not an angel anymore."
When the innocence of early childhood begins to
fade, it can be a challenge to continue to believe
in the goodness of your child. Their growing
repertoire of behavior is bound to include new
possibilities for premeditated deviousness.
Believing in a child's goodness does not mean you
expect them never to do wrong. It means you assume
that deep inside, they really want to do good. And
you trust that they are always doing the best they
can, given whatever challenges they may be dealing
with. Believing this is a matter of faith. No one
can prove that a person, or people in general, are
innately good, innately evil, or some mixture of
the two. It is up to each of us to decide what we
believe. That choice is communicated daily to our
children. It is in our tone of voice every time we
speak to them.
There is a purely functional reason for
believing in your child's goodness. It just so
happens that when we treat children as if they were
wanting to be good, they tend to strive for
goodness much more than if we assume they are
regularly plotting out selfish misbehaviors. Our
expectations, good or bad, have an important effect
on our kids.
I have never been able, however, to believe in
something just because it may be expedient. If I am
to believe that people are basically good, I need
some way to explain the horrible things people
often do.
I was challenged with this in my first job as a
therapist at a counseling agency for violent men.
In one intake interview I met a young man who had
already spent six years in prison for beating
another man to death with a 2 by 4. I tried to
assure myself that he probably wouldn't do that to
his counselor. I asked him if he had been abused as
a child. He thought not. I asked how he used to get
punished. He allowed as how his dad would beat him.
"With a belt?" I asked, knowing that practice was
common a generation ago. "No, with a 2 by 4," was
his reply.
There is a reason for everything we do. And when
people do bad things, the reason lies in how they
themselves have been hurt. Virginia Satir, the
grandmother of family therapy, said "No one who
feels good about himself, has any reason to hurt
another." She believed in the inherent goodness of
human beings. She had confidence that if each
person in a family could get what they needed, they
would in turn, treat each other with caring and
respect. But she also knew how much we have each
been hurt
Children are particularly vulnerable to getting
hurt or feeling scared. When they misbehave it
probably is due to conditions they feel powerless
to change in more acceptable ways. Oh how I wish my
daughter could articulate the struggles she faces.
If she could tell me what is hard for her, then
perhaps I could better understand when she
disappoints me. This evening she lied. It wasn't a
white lie. It was a bald face lie. I wanted to make
her see that she shouldn't lie. Instead, I think I
made her scared to ever get caught lying. I feel
bad about that.
I forgot that she already wants to be honest
whenever she feels safe to. I don't have to teach
her not to lie. Her inherent goodness already
strives for honesty. Instead, when she lies, I can
help her by trying to figure out what she is scared
of. What is not going right for her? What makes her
feel that dishonesty is her only viable option?
The limits to my compassion and my faith in her
goodness point me to my feelings about myself. Do I
really believe that she is doing the best she can?
And do I give myself the same credit?
© 2007, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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