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The Second Parent
We are all dressed up for the Renaissance Fair: my
daughter Molly, her step-mother Amy, and I. It is a
day dedicated to fun and togetherness, and we are
all filled with expectation. But lo, before we are
even under way, a scuffle breaks out. Molly has
made an impassioned bid for the front passenger
seat. Amy, not sure whether this is her call, has
held her tongue and looks at me with anguished
brow.
I sigh. Whatever I say will disappoint one of my
loved ones.
Amy is "the second parent" in our threesome. She
gives a lot of love and care to Molly, but their
bond is not as strong as the one between Molly and
her daddy. Step-parents often feel this secondary
status. Fathers also, often feel like the second
parent compared to mothers. In families where dad
is the primary care parent, it is the mother who
may feel secondary. In lesbian couples, the
non-birth mom may feel like parent number two.
It is a hard role. Second parents often have to
parent in situations they didn't design. By the
time Dad gets home from work Mom may have already
negotiated a plan for the whole evening with the
kids. A step-mom may end up driving her step-son to
and from a school she doesn't even think is right
for the boy. A mother may long for peaceful family
dinner conversations that never happen because the
kids love to clown around with Dad. When they are
all wrestling in the living room, Mom gives up and
clears their half finished plates.
It can be tiresome to parent according to
someone else's plan. Parents are much more
motivated to give their time and energy when they
feel like their personal vision of "family" is
possible to create. Without the authority to
implement their own vision, second parents may lose
interest in parenting. They may feel like they have
a boss at work and a boss (the primary parent) at
home.
In addition to not setting up the context in
which they parent, second parents often suffer from
a lack of appreciation for what they do provide. A
father may rush over to comfort a son who has just
skinned his knee, only to have the boy run into the
house crying for his mom. A step-mother may offer
to read her step-daughter a book she really loved
as a child, but the girl opts for re-reading old
comic books with dad. Such rejections can be
painful. And second parents usually find themselves
alone with this pain while the primary parent is
snuggling with the children.
The choice second parents often face is whether
to assert themselves as parents more strongly or
withdraw. Asserting oneself runs the risk of
creating conflict with the primary parent. Is it
possible to negotiate a mutual vision for the
family? Can the couple find enough time away from
their children to talk this through? Does the
primary parent have enough energy consider the
needs of the second parent as well as the kids?
Withdrawing from parenting avoids these
difficult questions. My own father watched TV every
evening, rather than address these issues with my
mom. But withdrawing only entrenched his status as
the second parent. It passed the time without
solving the problem. As a boy, it was when I
watched my dad, watching TV, that I vowed not to
let that happen to me.
So now I am the primary parent. And my daughter
is pleading for the chance to sit up front with me.
Amy is quiet, but I know how she feels. I imagine
her sitting in the back seat, staring out the
window, withdrawing.
"I'm sorry Molly, but you have to ride in the
back seat." "Why," she whines. "Because when Amy
and I support each other we are both happier. And
when we are happier we have more energy to give to
you."
This apparently made sense even to a nine year
old. Molly got in back. Amy sent me a smile over
the roof before she got in. We drove off. And had a
great day.
© 2008, Tim
Hartnett
Other Father Issues,
Books
* * *
Your children need your presence more than your
presents. - Jesse Jackson
Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com
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