Cavemen in
the Kitchen
Archive

It was at a time when Ron DesMarais' financial status required that he start cooking for himself, as he could not afford eating out. This resulted in his quickly getting bored with Top Ramen and deciding to get creative in the kitchen. Soon, a list of recipes with a limited number of inexpensive ingredients started coming together. What really bolstered the creation of his book Cavemen in the Kitchen, and the writing of it as not just a cookbook but a ‘dating aid’ as well was when Ron ended up at a date’s house after a financially draining evening out. As both were hungry but Ron too broke and both too tired to go out somewhere, Ron dug through her cabinets, found some items to work with and based on a recipe he had created earlier, he created a meal for both. She loved it and the results of the meal were amazing in ways those under 18 should not hear about. From that point, dates for Ron consisted of cooking dinner, either at his house or the date’s house, and afterwards, either watching a video or doing something else. Click here to order a copy of the book. (Contains adult content.)
 

Appetizer - Hummus Base
Beverages - Wine, Beer & Water
Bruschetta
Desserts - Blueberry Soup
Pastas - Cajun Shrimp Pasta
Pretty Salad
Salads and Soups - Miso Horny Soup
Sauces, Marinades, and Dressings - Tsatsiki
Sides (sides does matter!) - Rice, Corn, and Squash
Things from the Dirt - Moo Shoorito
Things from the Water - Baked Halibut
Things that go 'Baa' - Mustard Lamb
Things that go 'Bock, Bock' - Mediterranean Chicken
Things that go 'Moo' - Veal Piccata
Things that go 'Oink' Pop Chops

Baked Halibut


Halibut is a really good fish with a really light flavor. Because of that, a little too much seasoning will wipe out what little flavor it has. If you are a spice Nazi, you might as well just use a piece of soggy bread and call that the fish. From counter to plate, this dish will take you ½ hour so plan accordingly. Another thing, this stuff may have bones. I am talking about those little teeny ones that you can almost chew through. See if you can get fillets when you buy this fish.

Ingredients

1. 1 lb of halibut (Fillet is preferable)
2. 1/3 cup of Italian breadcrumbs
3. 1 Tbsp of Old Bay Seasoning
4. ¼ cup of margarine

Directions

Crank that oven up to 450º so it heats while you prep. Now take your fish and cut into pieces that are a decent serving size. Be aware that you are cooking for a date, so the size is going to have to be close to those undersize pieces that you get in restaurants. Mix the Old Bay Seasoning and the breadcrumbs together in a bowl that is somewhat flat on the bottom and big enough for you to rest each fish piece in.

Put the butter on a flat dish that is a hair wider than the fish pieces and then melt it in the microwave. While it is melting, take your Pyrex and spray it with Pam non-stick stuff. When the butter is ready, put everything on the counter in a line in this order.

1. Fish
2. Butter
3. Breadcrumb mixture
4. Pyrex

Dip the fish in the butter and get both sides of it coated. Rest it in the breadcrumbs and keep flipping it until both sides are really coated well. Then rest it in the Pyrex dish. Do the same to the next piece and then put the Pyrex with the fish in the oven. For every inch of thickness you have on the fish, let it go for 18 minutes. Check it frequently to be sure that when you split open the inside of the fillets, it is a flat white color and the meat is flaky.

Serving

This stuff is set to go straight from the Pyrex dish and to the plate. Use a spatula because the fillets will fall apart easily and putting a nice fillet in front of your date is so much nicer than a pile of fish rubble. Also, for a garnish, go ahead and give her a nice little lemon wedge for color.

Bruschetta


Description:
This is a cool little Italian kinda’ thing. Flat out, it is nothing but extra mild salsa on a piece of toast. But saying, “Would you like some salsa on toast?” does not bode well for an attempt at appearing cultured. So, call it Bruschetta and offer it that way. Besides, I have found that a few words in Italian or French can do wonders on a date. Bruschetta is quick to make and what is better, it looks like you spent all sorts of time on it. In fact, even though you are going to probably use little toasted pieces of bread all set to go from the store, you can even say that you seasoned the bread and then oven toasted it. Make it seem like you put more effort into than you really did.

Ingredients:

1. 2 Roma tomatoes, these are the harder tomatoes that are about the size and shape of an egg
2. Four leaves of fresh basil. (Yeah, you can use the dried stuff in the bottle that is all chopped and minced, but, it does make a difference to use the fresh stuff here)
3. 1 tsp olive oil
4. ½ tsp of garlic powder
5. A bag of store bought toast things. The pieces have to be about 1 ½” to 2 ½” in diameter and about ¼” thick.

Directions:

Take the tomatoes and the basil and be sure to wash them off. Otherwise, you will have pieces of dirt on them and when you eat, the dirt will crunch and sound really weird. Also, we eat enough dirt in our everyday lives, especially when something falls on the floor and we extend the ‘two-second rule’ to three. So, why serve yourself more dirt? Once everything is washed, cut the stem part out of top of the tomatoes, and then dice them into little cubes about ¼ “ by ¼ “. Toss them in a bowl.

Now put the basil leaves on a cutting board and cut them into little pieces about the same size as the tomatoes. Toss them in with the tomatoes, add the oil and the garlic powder and mix it all together. The hard part is done.

Serving:

Put the tomato mix and all in a nice little bowl and include a small spoon for scooping the mix out. Place the bowl on a plate and arrange the little toast things around it. To eat it, use the spoon to rest some of the tomato stuff on the toast thing and chow. Finally, a word of advice, dish one up for your date and give it to her. If she lets you, feed it to her! This show of class and tact will probably get her to say, “Mmmm, tasty!” even if she thinks it tastes like crap.

Beverages - Wine, Beer & Water


The correct beverages are always key to a killer meal. You can start off really extravagantly with a pre dinner wine, dinner wine and after dinner wine. Then you can pass out. Choosing the correct wine for a meal is pretty simple as if it is fish or chicken, hey, white wine. But if it is meat, you need to get a red wine.

If you are totally lucky and have a date who is into beer, the choices still are not so easy. You need to be cool on which beer to choose. Something like a light pilsner will in no way go too well with a heavy ass steak though the people at Budweiser might disagree as they claim their beer goes with everything. Something better might be an ale or porter.

One key that will really show you really care (ha!) is having a pitcher of water on the table. Water is cool as it cleans the palette and keeps you hydrated for the events to follow, and I am not talking about washing dishes. Regarding washing dishes, remember, you cooked, she cleans! So decide what beverage you are going to serve: wine or beer, and choose the appropriate link to figure out the correct pairing.

Wine Beer

Sauces, Marinades, and Dressings - Tsatsiki


This is what salad, potatoes and all sorts of things were invented for. You really can’t just serve a bowl of dressing even though you know you could put your spoon in there and eat it when no one is looking. So, in order to satisfy the craving for sauces, people starting throwing plants in a bowl and dousing them with some of the stuff in this section.

Not all that we have here is for salads alone. There are other things in here as well such as the Ahi sauce, the Hollandaise for asparagus etc. As you jam these sauces, don’t limit yourself to what you see it being used for here. Think of how a sauce or marinade can be used for something else; especially Cool Whip or honey, ha!!

Description

This is that traditional Greek sauce that you find in all Greek restaurants. It is white and tastes a bit like yogurt. Why, because it is made with yogurt. Be careful, if your date is lactose intolerant, the evening will be eventful in awful ways. This stuff is great as a dip, a dressing, and even good to top some main dishes with as well.

Ingredients

1. 1 tsp minced garlic, just get this out of those little jars of precut garlic
2. 8 oz of plain yogurt. One of the single size serving containers is all you need
3. 1 tsp lemon juice
4. 1/3 cup of peeled and shredded cucumber
5. 1 tsp of dill

Directions

Peel the cucumber and estimate how much of it would fit into a third cup. Cut that much off the thing and begin to shred it. I found that a food processor works best, as you want it to be almost like a pulp. You know, if you do not have a food processor, you might want to get one. Yeah, it may be a few bucks, but heck, look at the price of a freakin’ dinner out. One of those will outweigh the cost of the processor and the processor will outlive most relationships. Toss the spices and all into bowl and mix it all up. You will notice that the dill is quite expensive so use your judgment. If this is a second date, cool. If it is a first date, decide whether or not the dill is going to pay off. But, dill is crucial to the taste of this sauce.

Serving

You are set. Pour the mixture into a bowl worthy of sitting on a table and have a nice day. Include a good size spoon in there as this sauce is best used on top of something else so you will want to be able to apply it easily.

Appetizer - Hummus Base


Appetizers rock! These are the only things you should cook and have ready to eat before the date arrives. This way, she can nibble while she watches you perform your ‘magic’ in the kitchen. Hopefully when you are done with your magic, she will be inspired to perform some of her own!! Woo hoo!

Description:

This is a killer little dip that you can make for your date to sample as she watches you with those ‘oh he is so different from those other cavemen’ eyes while you cook the main dish. It beats the heck out of the store bought stuff and if you were to compare the two side by side, you would taste a major difference. You can also toss the comments around such as, “Yes, I prefer to make my own,” or, “I refuse to eat something that contains items I can’t pronounce such as ‘niacinamide, pyridoxine hydrochloride and magnesium oxide.’ I know what goes in my food and I can trust it.” Mmmmm, tasty. By the way, those chemical warfare sounding items are found in peanut butter which is used for a few things in this book. But that is okay; we don’t have to go there right now.

If you have sun-dried tomatoes, you can toss a few of these in as well. Another swift idea is to go to a store and see what sorta’ flavors they have for their humus. This is always a cool sense of inspiration on how to further personalize your humus.

Ingredients:

1. 1 can of garbanzo or chickpeas (15 ½ oz.)
2. ½ cup and 2 T of Extra Light Virgin olive oil
3. ½ tsp garlic powder
4. 1 T basil
5. Something to dip in to it and eat it aside from fingers

Directions:

Take the above ingredients and whip them together with a food processor. There is no need to add them to the mix in any special order except that you should add the powder and flaky stuff last. Otherwise, it just sits on the bottom and does not have a good chance to mix. Ain’t that grand! You will know that you have whipped them enough when the stuff looks creamy, kind of like a killer potato chip dip. You can taste it and see what you think. Adding more garlic is an option but do remember, you want to be able to speak to your date later without burning her eyebrows off her face.

Serving:

Once you have the taste and consistency down, scoop the mixture into a bowl and put it on a plate. Around that plate, take some pita bread (the thicker the better) and cut each piece like a pizza. Take those pieces and arrange them on the plate and around the bowl. Ahh, so nice, so nice.

Salads and Soups - Miso Horny Soup


Seriously, most of us consider salad as nothing more than a vehicle for dressing. I love the fact that everyone thinks salads are healthy and then they load up on the dressing. Then, the next thing that happens is some lady from Jenny Craig taps you on the shoulder and says, ‘Did you know that your salad has as many calories as an ice cream sundae?’ Really? Well heck, doesn’t this mean that you might as well have a sundae before dinner? No, you really can’t do that, as the date is already fairly wary of a guy who says he can cook. In fact, most are expecting you to offer a choice of either a Salisbury steak TV dinner or a potpie. Start it correctly with the soup or salad. Do be cautious, as too often the salad made is huge and (with our clean the plate mentality) no room is left for dessert.

Description:

This is a nifty little soup that will add that Asian flair or the ‘Exotic’ to the meal. It is almost as good as having Tia Carrera serve you…okay, no it isn’t and besides, if Tia Carrera were to serve you, you wouldn’t want your date there and neither would I. But, this is the soup that has the cloudy stuff floating in it and what you get when you go to a Japanese or Chinese restaurant . A word of caution, you might not be able to find some of these ingredients at your local store unless you live in Japan.

If you have sun-dried tomatoes, you can toss a few of these in as well. Another swift idea is to go to a store and see what sorta’ flavors they have for their humus. This is always a cool sense of inspiration on how to further personalize your humus.

Ingredients:

1. 3 cups of water
2. 2 Tbsp of Miso, you want the red stuff as it is salty, the white stuff is sweet and being sweet is your date’s department
3. 3 chopped scallions
4. 1 oz of firm tofu that is chopped into cubes that are half the size of dice
5. ½ sheet of sushi wrapping, this is seaweed

Directions:

Heat the water, it does not have to boil but it has to be pretty warm. While it heats up, cut the scallions into nice thin slices. Remember, the greater the surface area of an ingredient, the more flavor it will have. Okay, there you are with that. Now, when the water is warm, toss in the Miso paste. You can try library paste as we all used to eat that when we were kids, but Miso is probably better for us. Stir that around so that it is totally mixed.

While the stuff is simmering, either rip or cut the seaweed into strips no bigger than ½” x 2” and throw them in. You can use scissors for this. Stir them in and while stirring, remember, ‘wax on, wax off’ to get the correct rhythm and motion. It’s an art. Now cut the firm tofu into those ½ dice size chunks and throw them in. When you guesstimate that the tofu chunks are warm, you are done baby!

Serving:

This stuff has to be served in bowls that are too small for anything else but probably one scoop of ice cream. There, bring it out and if you are daring, bring out chopsticks so you and your date can really be authentic while you try to nab one of those bottom dwelling tofu chunks.

Things that go 'Moo' - Veal Piccata


The ultimate section; the meat, the beef, the prize! Once we learned to cook this, there was no going back. What the world needs now, is meat, sweet meat. It’s the only thing that there’s just, too little of. There is really nothing more to say about this topic, as meat is king. What helps the meat in many cases is being sure that it is cooked correctly. The chart of inside temperatures below is a life saver.

Rare 130º
Medium 145º
Well 160º
Freakin’ Cinder 170º

Description:

Now, this is one of those ‘Eye-tal-yun’ dishes. What makes it groovy is the subtlety of the flavors and subtle they have to be. Veal is the key. If you get meat from a cow that was over 5 months of age, well hell, you might as well get a steak and read the directions on how to cook that piece of meat. No, this is a dish whose value comes from how you can accent its flavor without overpowering it. For a meal, this should be the last thing that you prepare, so have your side of pasta done as well as whatever salad you are going to serve. If you can get the pronunciation of this dish down, you already have it made halfway to the bedroom, or the couch, or the counter, or the floor or the.... I have found that Italian accents work really well on all women except Italian ones.

Ingredients

1. ½ lb of veal that is about ¼” thick
2. ½ cup of Chardonnay
3. 3 Tbsp of butter or margarine
4. 2 Tbsp of capers
5. 1 ½ teaspoons of lemon juice
6. ½ cup of sliced mushroom buttons. Okay, just chill, these things come in a can that is labeled, ‘Sliced Mushroom Button Pieces.’

Directions

Get the saucepan out, drain the mushrooms and toss in everything but the veal. Turn the heat up to medium and keep an eye on it and stir it periodically. While the stuff is heating, cut the veal into pieces that are, oh heck, 4” by 4”. As soon as the butter is completely melted, stir the stuff around. Now here comes the tough part. Toss the veal in there and you really have to watch it. Give it about a minute and then turn it over. When you put the veal in, it is pink. Your goal is to get it cooked just beyond that pink color. The sooner you get the meat out of the pan after it loses that pink color, the bigger hero you are as the more tender the meat is. So, flip it a lot.

Serving

In serving, put two slices of the veal per person on the plate. Then, put a lot of the sauce on top. Be sure that you include a lot in the way of the mushrooms and capers there. Whip it on out to her and ‘Buono Appetito!’ I think this means, “You da man.”

Things that go 'Bock, Bock' - Mediterranean Chicken


Chicken, if done well, is a close second to the cow. Honestly, a steak everyday would be the ultimate, but you sometimes need something else just to let you know how good steak is. So, using some of the recipes below, your siesta from steak will not be too hard.

Description:

Okay, the only thing Mediterranean about this is that it has lemons and they grow around the Mediterranean. Also, it sounds a heck of a lot better than ‘chicken wit lemon.’ The meal thing here takes care of a side and the main course so it is all good.

Ingredients

1. 1 chicken. When you get it, you want to get the kind that has been cut and spread out. In fact, it will look like the chicken that didn’t quite make it all the way across the road but instead got hit, squished and had its feathers knocked the hell out of it.
2. 2 potatoes, the brown baking kind that are healthy until we make them edible with too much butter and sour cream.
3. ½ cup of lemon juice
4. 1/3 cup of butter
5. 1 tsp dill
6. 1 Tbsp of capers

Directions

Get the oven going at 375º on bake. There are all sorts of things about chicken that people tell you about such as if eaten raw it will kill you, if eaten when not cooked all the way, you will die. Wow, what are you supposed to do? Try this: cook it. How do you know that it is cooked all the way? Well, when you think that it is, get a knife and find the thickest part of the bird. Cut down to the bone and pry the cut open. If it looks cooked and not pink, you are done.

Get a big Pyrex dish and put the chicken in the center of it. The dish has to be big enough so that the potatoes can be spread around it. Cut each potato into 4 pieces lengthwise. Then cut all 8 pieces into slices that are about 1/8” wide. When done, sprinkle them around the outside of the chicken so that most of the bird is exposed.

In a saucepan, toss in the butter/margarine and melt it over the stove. When it is done, add the lemon juice and the dill and mix it all together. Pour this evenly over the whole chicken thing. Then by hand, sprinkle the capers around the edge of the chicken along the line where it meets the potatoes. You want to do it this way, otherwise, the capers may rest on top of the bird and when you pull it all out of the oven, the capers are these black chunks that look like something that fell from the top of the oven onto the meal. Not cool.

Place the chicken in the oven and let the whole thing go about an hour. After that time, pull it out and check the chicken using the method mentioned above. Based on the results of your probe, act accordingly: let it go longer or take it out and turn the oven off.

Serving

This is a cool meal as all you do is bring it to the table and plop it down. Start by serving your date and begin by asking what kind of meat she would like. Then hesitate to see how she reacts, what she says, and then you act accordingly. This is kind of a barometer to see where her mind is and how the rest of the evening will go.

Things that go 'Baa' - Mustard Lamb


Here is a thing that goes ‘Baa’ and no, even though it is along those lines, I do not want to hear about your trip to Ireland, lust and your memory of the two! Lamb has a flavor that is really different. In all of the dishes here, that flavor is light so the recipes do not try to cover it up. Yes, you are now getting away from the, ‘if it is hot, brown and salty, then it is good’ thought process. Be cool with the lamb.

You might also want to check with your date about it before you cook it. Ask her casually by dropping the question, sorta like this, ‘Wow, so there you were in the middle of the jungle surrounded by those cannibals and all you had was a toothpick to defend yourself? Man, so as they advanced, I bet they were probably wondering if you tasted like lamb, speaking of that, do you like lamb?’ See how subtle that was?

Description:

This is one of those visually impressive meals that is sure to make her swoon with surprise and realize that, yes, you are the best damn thing to come down the pike. The toughest part of this is going to be resisting the desire to eat the ribs with your hands. But no, this is the test that you give yourself and that she judges. If you can keep the ribs on the plate and eat them, not with your hands, but with a knife and fork, you are the man! Oh yeah, when you invite her over, just be sure that she is not a vegetarian. Not cool if she is.

Ingredients

1. 1 rack of lamb, see that is has about 7 ribs on it
2. 1/4 cup Gulden’s mustard
3. 1 Tbsp soy sauce
4. 1/2 Tbsp olive oil
5. 1 Tbsp minced garlic
6. 1 tsp pepper

Directions

Crank the oven to 375º and let it heat up while you get the rest of the stuff together. Place that rack on a broiler pan you have making sure that it is above the bottom of the pan. Be sure you do this with the fat aiming up at the ceiling. This allows the fat that will run down the thing to leave the meat. Otherwise, you end up taking these nasty fat saturated bites of meat. Fat has a tendency to blow through my GI and if anything can dampen the mood of love, it’s sounds that the bathroom fan just can’t hide. So, be wary.

Mix the oil, garlic, pepper and soy sauce together and then spread the mix evenly over the lamb. Right before you toss it in there, figure out where the bones are and make some cuts on one edge of the lamb to let you know where they are. This will help when you want to cut it for serving. Put a thermometer in the thickest part and then shove it in there. The rack will take about 30 minutes per lb depending on its thickness, the heat of the oven, the stock market and all sorts of things. But, be sure that it is above 140º and let it go to 150º if you want a medium rare lamb rack.

Serving

You have some options here and can decide while you let the lamb sit for a while. You might want to cut it out there on the table or do it here in the kitchen and then bring it out. It all depends on what is going to look the best. If you cut it in here, believe me, it will not be that impressive. But, if you take it out there, the room may be constricted. It is your call. I prefer to take it out there and cut it for her. In light of that, I always make sure that I have my sharpest knife ready to go.

Rest the whole rack on a bed of seasoned rice and bring it on out. Use the guide cuts that you made before you put the thing in the oven and begin cutting. Make sure that you cut each rib off individually and then serve. Don’t cut the thing in half and toss half on her plate and half on yours. The knife you use to pull the meat off the bone is usually dull and will cause you to try pulling the meat off. This always results in something flying off the plate and across the room.

Things that go 'Oink' Pop Chops


Pork, you can’t go wrong with pork. You can serve it for dinner and hopefully, you will also be serving her some form of it like bacon the next morning! If you are going to have an evening of dinner and a video, choose the video correctly if you are to cook something from here. To make it taste better, get ‘Animal Farm.’ Whatever you do, don’t get ‘Charlotte’s Web’ or ‘Babe.’ Pork is naturally salty and someone once told me it was because pigs don’t sweat. Whatever, because of that natural saltiness, you do not have to add much salt to it if a recipe calls for it.

Description

This will be a cool BBQ type dish for the chops without the grill. You will want to be sure that your date takes a few bites before you let her know what you put in it. Not that there is anything bad, but the combination of stuff just seems weird. These things take about an hour to cook so be cool and plan ahead. Have her show up about ½ hour into the cooking so you can make the small talk about her dress, her hair, her breasts etc.

Ingredients

1. 6 chops that are about ½” thick. Normal chop width and all will do
2. 1 cup of Pepsi (Regular)
3. 1 cup of Ketchup (it doesn’t have to be any really fancy brand)
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic (the stuff that is precut and comes in a jar rocks)
5. 4 Tbsp of brown sugar
6. 2 Tsp of Tabasco

Directions

Turn the oven to bake at 350°. While the oven heats up, get a Pyrex dish and put the chops in the bottom. Do not put them on top of each other otherwise this will mess with the cooking. Whip out a bowl, put the rest of the ingredients in it and mix them together. You can drink the rest of the Pepsi. Once the saucy stuff is done, pour it over the chops and pray that it goes at least halfway up the chops. By this time, the oven should be set so check it.

Slide the chops and all into the oven and give it about an hour. As the meal cooks, straighten the house out a bit. Toss all of your clothes under your bed, sweep stuff under the rug, be sure all toilet seats are down and be sure the empty beer cans are gone. After about 20 minutes, check the chops and flip them over. By this time, your date should arrive and you will have that half hour to engage in the small talk. 15 minutes later, check the chops and maybe turn them over again. After the hour, pull them out and cut one in half to see that it is done. Pork is one meat you don’t want pink!

Serving

The chops are going to be tangy and spicy so get something cool to compliment them like coleslaw or something. Place two chops on each plate and ladle a little of the sauce over them. Bring it on out and wait for your date to sample a bit. If she claims to be a vegetarian, load her chops on your plate and scoop your coleslaw on hers and start eating. If she digs in, wait till her eyes light up and she tells you how good they are before you tell her Pepsi is one of the ingredients.

Things from the Water - Baked Halibut


Yes, there are two kinds of water, salt and fresh. I have never given much thought to fresh water fish so the closest you will get is Salmon and that fishy is in here only because it spends some time in the ocean. What a nasty life. You are born, swim around a bit, go home, fornicate ONCE and die. Can you imagine being in salmon heaven and in talking to the other guy salmon, you find out you got the ugly salmon girl? The pressure would be awful, you have only one shot (literally) and you blew it. Like lamb, fish is really light in taste so you do not want to kill it with spices and all of that. Remember, you want to taste what you are cooking. You do not want what you are cooking to be a serving dish for the spices you put on it.

Description

Halibut is a really good fish with a really light flavor. Because of that, a little too much seasoning will wipe out what little flavor it has. If you are a spice Nazi, you might as well just use a piece of soggy bread and call that the fish. From counter to plate, this dish will take you ½ hour so plan accordingly. Another thing, this stuff may have bones. I am talking about those little teeny ones that you can almost chew through. See if you can get fillets when you buy this fish.

Ingredients

1. 1 lb of halibut (Fillet is preferable)
2. 1/3 cup of Italian breadcrumbs
3. 1 Tbsp of Old Bay Seasoning
4. ¼ cup of margarine

Directions

Crank that oven up to 450º so it heats while you prep. Now take your fish and cut into pieces that are a decent serving size. Be aware that you are cooking for a date, so the size is going to have to be close to those undersize pieces that you get in restaurants. Mix the Old Bay Seasoning and the breadcrumbs together in a bowl that is somewhat flat on the bottom and big enough for you to rest each fish piece in.

Put the butter on a flat dish that is a hair wider than the fish pieces and then melt it in the microwave. While it is melting, take your Pyrex and spray it with Pam non-stick stuff. When the butter is ready, put everything on the counter in a line in this order.

1. Fish
2. Butter
3. Breadcrumb mixture
4. Pyrex

Dip the fish in the butter and get both sides of it coated. Rest it in the breadcrumbs and keep flipping it until both sides are really coated well. Then rest it in the Pyrex dish. Do the same to the next piece and then put the Pyrex with the fish in the oven. For every inch of thickness you have on the fish, let it go for 18 minutes. Check it frequently to be sure that when you split open the inside of the fillets, it is a flat white color and the meat is flaky.

Serving

This stuff is set to go straight from the Pyrex dish and to the plate. Use a spatula because the fillets will fall apart easily and putting a nice fillet in front of your date is so much nicer than a pile of fish rubble. Also, for a garnish, go ahead and give her a nice little lemon wedge for color.

Things from the Dirt - Moo Shoorito


In writing the book, I paid special attention to my canine teeth known as my incisors. They are for ripping meat and someone gave them to us a long time ago and since they have not been taken away, the majority of this book is dedicated to items that will give them a workout. Occasionally you will get the girl who is the vegetarian so the two things here will take care of her unless she is a vegan (someone who is totally against eating anything from an animal including milk). If she is from the planet Vega, then only the Moo Shoorito will work.

Whatever you do, do not put this book down and go after a ‘Boca’ burger or dog. Those are things that are marketed as being totally made of veggies but taste just like meat. Hell, if you want something that tastes just like meat, get meat and save the cash, as meat is less expensive than the Boca stuff. If you mention Boca around me, it had better have ‘Raton’ right behind it and we’d better be talking about retirement.

Description

The ‘Moo’ comes from Moo Shoo as in the flimsy little tortilla type thing that you get when you order this dish at a Chinese restaurant. In talking to a Chinese girl, she told me the authentic translation for this term is ‘pancake.’ Damn that’s original! Well, those pancake things always fall apart so this recipe calls for tortillas. Now there’s a wrap that’ll hold anything. Since it’s a tortilla, I took the ‘rito’ away from ‘bur’ and there it is.

This is a great meal if you are with a girl who is a vegetarian. So, when she shows up with the leather Gucci purse and peels of her leather Calvin Klein jacket to stay awhile, you can show your sensitivity to her needs by serving this ‘veggie’ dish.

Ingredients

1. 2 cups of frozen vegetables (fresh if you prefer to work harder by chopping them). The ones you want will have to have some water chestnuts, bell peppers and some small pea pods. Really, to be easy about it, just look for frozen vegetables that have that words stir-fry, Asian or Oriental or something
2. A package of flour tortillas
3. Hoi sin sauce. This is found in the ethnic food section of any major shopping chain. If you go to the ethnic section of the store and find only macaroni and cheese, white bread and cheese whiz, this means that you are in Chinatown and have to go to their regular sauce and dressing section

Directions

See that the vegetables are cut into small pieces with none larger than a dice. Toss a little water in a pan, maybe about ¼” deep and heat it up. Put the chopped veggies in there and get them so they are warm. Keeping the vegetables crisp but warm/hot is the best, as they taste better. But, as they are frozen, they have probably lost all their taste anyway. So, put a teeny bit of soy sauce in there. Soy means salt in Japanese and Chinese.

Serving

To serve this meal, drain the veggies and put them in a covered bowl so that they will stay warm. Also, have the hoi sin in a bowl with a nice little spoon and then put both it and the veggies on the table. Then, take a flour tortilla, put it on a microwave safe plate and nuke it for 22 seconds. You want the tortilla to be warm and pliable which is pretty much how you want your date to be later. Get two of these going as close together as possible so that you can eat together.

When the tortillas are set, bring them out and demonstrate the proper technique. Put a bead of hoi sin in the center of your tortilla and on top of it, put a nice line of vegetables. Roll it up like a burrito and there you are. Ah, so good!

Pastas - Cajun Shrimp Pasta


A question has always been, “How much stinking pasta do I cook?” Well, if there are two of you and this is the meal, consider that the pasta is the potato and whatever you put on it is the meat. So, for a main dish for two, grab the angel or string pasta and see that you have about a 1 ¼” diameter amount. This will be cool. If the pasta is a side, then halve that amount as well as the amount of sauce that you cooking.

When cooking pasta, don’t put ‘just enough water in there.’ You want a liberal amount of water so the pasta can roll with the water as it boils and all. This also allows that excess powdery stuff to wash off too. Otherwise, it will all stick together and you will have a big nasty ‘sketti roll’ to cut and eat. Finally, when getting the water ready, put in what you think is enough salt to make the water taste like seawater. Then crank the heat so that the water boils. When the water boils, that is the time to put the pasta in. Never put the pasta in there until the water is boiling. When serving pasta, it is almost law to have two things on the table: Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper. These allow you to tailor your noodles to your tastes. Yes, you could add the stuff in the kitchen, but think about it this way. What you are bringing out is a standard model car; let her choose the accessories that she wants.

Description

This is a sauce that can be considered hot to some so watch it. The last thing you need to do is set the date on fire or get her lips so hot that kissing is painful. Yep, no fun in there. The sauce is almost like water and that is where the bread comes in. You use it to soak up the excess liquid and eat.

This is a total finger food because you eat the bread with your hands and you also pick up the shrimp and eat them with your hands as well. This is a nice entrée to offering to feed each other shrimp!! Oh yeah baby! Also, do not worry about the beer as most of the alcohol will burn off. Sometimes, this is not a good thing.

Ingredients

1. 2 Tbsps of Cajun Choice Blackened Seasoning
2. 48 oz of Budweiser
3. 2 tsp of crushed garlic
4. 15-20 cooked shrimp with tail on
5. ½ “ diameter of spaghetti
6. A nice crusty loaf of French bread

Directions

In one pot, pour in everything but the shrimp. Heat it all up and cook it just like you were cooking spaghetti. While it is cooking, take the bread and cut it up into slices or chunks. This is what you are going to dip into the sauce.

Since the recipe calls for 48oz of Budweiser, if you get a six-pack, this will leave two bottles. Mmmmm, what to do, what to do with the other two while you cook? When the pasta is just about done, toss in the shrimp so that they get warmed. If you toss them in too soon and cook them too long, they become rubber shrimp and those are not too tasty.

Serving

When the pasta is cooked, ladle it and a lot of the sauce into bowls. Bring it on out and enjoy it. You should have the French bread that you cut up in a bowl on the table so that you can take a chunk and dip it in the excess beer sauce. This stuff will also have a tendency to run down your date’s chin and neck offering you yet another great opportunity to offer the tongue napkin!!

Sides (sides does matter!) - Rice, Corn, and Squash


Sides are the complement to all the things that came before in this book. They do quite a bit in the way of adding variety, color and balancing the meal out so you do not have just steak or something else. Granted, meat alone is cool with us, but we have all been brainwashed with the idea that we have to have more on the plate with variety or else it is just not a meal. So, until we can buck that tradition, we have to abide by that unwritten rule and put something else on the plate. Don’t forget, though, that a salad or soup at the beginning of a meal can be considered a side too so this is cool.

A killer rule in creating sides is to first look at the prep time and have that revolve around the time it takes to cook the main course. Be aware of, as well, the number of burners that you will need to cook all the stuff. Putting something out in the sun to cook because you ran out of burners on the stove is not a cool. First, the sun will not cook it and second, the neighbor’s dog will probably come over and snake it.

Description

This is a rice dish that has to be associated with summer or something since it has all the yellow, green and red colors in it. It is a really quick deal to do but the only thing you have to watch out for is the temperature. You are going to be adding a lot of cool things and it has to be hot when you serve it. Also, as this has the carbos and the vegetables, this side can knock out two things and be left by itself with the main dish.

Ingredients

1. 1 (14-15 oz) can of whole kernel corn
2. 1 ½ cups of rice
3. 1 cup of medium salsa
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic
5. 1 cup of sliced and quartered zucchini

Directions

Now, this is tough so pay close attention. Put a pot on the stove and turn it to low. Throw everything in there, mix it, and let it heat up. While it heats, stir it once in awhile to be sure that it all heats evenly.

If you have a lot of liquid in there from the salsa, let it go uncovered until a lot of that liquid evaporates. Once you see that you have a desired amount of liquid, cover the mix and let it sit while you get the rest of the meal together. If the rest of the meal is done, well, this is done too. If you still need more time to prepare the meal, cover this dish, lower the heat and let it go until the rest is ready.

Serving

This is an up in the air serving item. It really doesn’t matter, as there is no real original shape to this side. So, you can bowl it and bring it out or you can toss some on the plate and bring it out. You gauge how you want to do it based on how the date is going so far.

Desserts - Blueberry Soup


Okay, here is my take on dessert. If you can’t get up and get the dessert out on the table within 7 minutes after dinner, forget it. You have your date at your place, you have cooked your butt off and now you want to kick back and chill out a bit. So what is the point of going back into the kitchen and busting your butt for another hour to cook? Hey, you have things to see and people to do!

Here are the approaches to use. Either have something ready that you prepared before the date even started, or have something that you bought from the store and that you just have to arrange nicely and serve, or have something that can be whipped up within a few minutes. C’mon man, time is a wasting. Yeah, you got your date here to watch you cook, but enough is enough! You have other things in mind don’t you? It is now close to the time to see how well you and your date cook together!!

Description

This little dish is really like a blueberry vichyssoise. What is a vichyssoise you may ask? It is cold potato soup. Now that is something tasty. I bet cold potato soup was created by someone who forgot to pay the gas bill. Okay, this stuff is really cool because it can be prepared in little or no time and, you only get a few dishes dirty. Mind you though!! It must be done before dinner.

Ingredients

1. 1 cup of blueberry yogurt (6 oz)
2. 16 oz package of frozen blueberries
3. 6 oz of orange juice
4. ¼ cup sugar
5. ¼ tsp of cinnamon
6. Cool Whip

Directions

If you have one of those hand blenders, you can use a mixing bowl but honestly, a blender is the best way to go. Empty out the margarita mix and tequila from the blender and into it, toss the yogurt and keep the empty yogurt container. Fill the empty container two times with frozen blueberries and toss them in. Next, fill the yogurt container with orange juice and throw that in. To the all of this stuff, toss in the sugar and the cinnamon and the hard part is done.

Turn the blender on to blend but keep an eye on it as you do not want to beat all the blueberries to hell. You only want about 2/3 of them pulverized. It is cool to leave a few whole ones in there so the date doesn’t have to ask where the blue color came from. Pour a good amount into some bowls and let these chill during dinner in the fridge.

Serving

Right before you bring this stuff out, float some Cool Whip in the center and enjoy. It is cool and refreshing and…I ran out of adjectives.

Pretty Salad


This salad gets its name from being ‘Pretty’ easy to make. Also, it looks ‘Pretty’ and that is ‘Pretty’ cool. The toughest part about making this salad is going to the store and being able to pronounce and find the proscuitto: the name of the fancy ham you will use. It is pronounced ‘Pro-shoe-toe,’ not ‘Proskie-utt-o.’ Before you make this salad though, be sure your date is not a leather shoe-wearing vegan. If you find out only after she arrives and you have made the salad, hell, she eats the spinach and you get all the ham. Not too shabby!

Ingredients:

1. A handful of spinach leaves. Get these from the salad bar in the store. Otherwise you have to buy an entire bunch and that costs too much. When you get the handful, don’t squeeze it tightly; otherwise, the leaves will get crushed and look old when you serve the salad. Instead, grip it lightly like you are about to throw a Nerf football.
2. ¼ lb of proscuitto or about 12 slices. This can be found either in a deli section or at a deli counter. Getting freshly sliced proscuitto at a deli counter is best. Too often the pre-packaged stuff is laced with too much fat. Trying to cut, chew, and swallow that stuff is not easy. You can be chewing one end of it while the other has been swallowed and is tickling the top of your small intestine. If you can get it sliced, ask that your proscuitto is sliced almost paper thin and the slices are about 3” x 8”
3. 1 Tbsp of olive oil.

Directions:

This can be prepared within 4 minutes. Before you do it though, be sure the spinach leaves are cool by keeping them in the fridge before you use them. This keeps them crisp and not wilty. You want your tongue and teeth to be able to tell the difference between the proscuitto and the leaves.

Take a plate or tray that is about 14” in diameter and cover it evenly with the spinach leaves. Next, arrange the proscuitto on top of the spinach leaves so it looks like the spokes of a wagon wheel radiating out from the center. You have 12 pieces so space them out like the hours of a clock. Finally, drizzle the olive oil all over the top of the dish. Boom, you are done!

Serving:

This is the hard part. Take the serving plate with the stuff on it and put it on the table with a couple of serving utensils. Whew! Now for the good part, grab a beer and have a nice day.

Pop Chops


This will be a cool BBQ type dish for the chops without the grill. You will want to be sure that your date takes a few bites before you let her know what you put in it. Not that there is anything bad, but the combination of stuff just seems weird. These things take about an hour to cook so be cool and plan ahead. Have her show up about ½ hour into the cooking so you can make the small talk about her dress, her hair, her breasts etc.

Ingredients

1. 6 chops that are about ½” thick. Normal chop width and all will do
2. 1 cup of Pepsi (Regular)
3. 1 cup of Ketchup (it doesn’t have to be any really fancy brand)
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic (the stuff that is precut and comes in a jar rocks)
5. 4 Tbsp of brown sugar
6. 2 Tsp of Tabasco

Directions

Turn the oven to bake at 350°. While the oven heats up, get a Pyrex dish and put the chops in the bottom. Do not put them on top of each other otherwise this will mess with the cooking. Whip out a bowl, put the rest of the ingredients in it and mix them together. You can drink the rest of the Pepsi. Once the saucy stuff is done, pour it over the chops and pray that it goes at least halfway up the chops. By this time, the oven should be set so check it.

Slide the chops and all into the oven and give it about an hour. As the meal cooks, straighten the house out a bit. Toss all of your clothes under your bed, sweep stuff under the rug, be sure all toilet seats are down and be sure the empty beer cans are gone. After about 20 minutes, check the chops and flip them over. By this time, your date should arrive and you will have that half hour to engage in the small talk. 15 minutes later, check the chops and maybe turn them over again. After the hour, pull them out and cut one in half to see that it is done. Pork is one meat you don’t want pink!

Serving

The chops are going to be tangy and spicy so get something cool to compliment them like coleslaw or something. Place two chops on each plate and ladle a little of the sauce over them. Bring it on out and wait for your date to sample a bit. If she claims to be a vegetarian, load her chops on your plate and scoop your coleslaw on hers and start eating. If she digs in, wait till her eyes light up and she tells you how good they are before you tell her Pepsi is one of the ingredients.

©2008 by Ron DesMarais



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