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March
Stop the Hurtful Criticism!
Recently, a therapist friend of mine told me about
one of the largest studies of marital happiness and
longevity. The results, published a few years ago,
came to one conclusion: the number one best
predictor of marital success—more important
than values, interests, age or anything
else—was the couple’s ability to
communicate.
Some couples think that if they communicate well
everything will go well in their marriage. This, of
course, isn’t at all true. We first have to
have the strong commitment to communicate with
integrity. Then, we have to acquire and use the
skills to make it work. Do you and your spouse have
an equal commitment to communicate with integrity?
Do you have the skills?
Men and women each criticize their mates, but
they do it for different reasons. Men usually
criticize their wives to diminish them, to
“put them in their place”. A man that
criticizes like that is feeling a lack of power or
love and appreciation in his life. So, he attacks
his wife. Some men take out their inadequacies and
frustrations this way. They feel weak and
“feminine” and it scares them, so they
put down their woman to feel better. Criticism like
this is a form of abuse; it is completely
unacceptable, and a man who repeatedly does it is
less than a man. Men should take a strong look at
their motivations and at the effect criticism is
having on their marriages.
Some women criticize to hurt their men because
they feel hurt and under appreciated. A sharp
tongue is their best weapon. However, most women I
know criticize or “nag” for a very
different reason: they are actually trying to help
their man. Of course, we men don’t know that
(and it may not sound very helpful either). What we
experience is that our wives are trying to change
us. And nobody likes to be changed; we want to be
the one who decides whether we’ll change, so
we resist or tune-out any effort to change us.
There’s another dynamic at work here: men
feel shamed by women’s criticism. To us, it
means we haven’t performed or taken care of
our woman. The more criticism is perceived as
making us wrong, then, the more we men will hate it
and defend against it.
Men need to accept and listen to criticism to
find out if a criticism is true. We need to stop
resisting criticism unless it is abusive. The
fastest way to get a woman to stop criticizing is
to listen! Believe it or not, criticism can be one
of the benefits of marriage if we are strong enough
to take it in, stand our ground, and use it to
become a stronger human being.
Women, of course, can be more effective when
they criticize their men. They need to understand
their needs, take responsibility for them, and
request what they want in a loving, personal way.
Few men will resist a sweet, specific request for
something they know they can do well. Men want to
please their women, and they want to take on tasks
with which they can feel successful. But, every man
instinctively recoils at criticism, and repeated,
harsh criticism can wreck a marriage.
Let’s take hurtful criticism out of our
marriages!
©2010, Marty
Friedman
* * *
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is
threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people
together through the years. - Simone Signoret
Martin
G. Friedman is the author of “Straight
Talk for Men About Marriage—What Men Need to
Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know
About Men)”. For
many years, Marty Friedman taught corporate
managers how to create good relationships at work
before tackling male/female relationship
issues--and applying what he learned to his own
marriage. The founder of Men in Marriage, Marty is
regularly interviewed on radio and television, and
talks to organizations and individuals from a
unique, inspirational and humorous perspective.
Find out more at www.meninmarriage.com
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