How to get Women
to Love You
 

Lion Goodman is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps individuals create extraordinary success, happiness and results in their lives. He is a widely-published author, workshop leader, public speaker, and a successful businessman. He has studied and explored the realms of psychology, spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35 years. He brings these decades of learning and growth to others through his workshop, “Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California which offers men an initiation into principle-based living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love You,” which is available on his website: www.everydayawakening.com or lion@everydayawakening.com
 

How To Get Women To Love You

How To Get Women To Love You


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better.

Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Each of us knows at least one man who gets plenty of love. He attracts great women who love him. He never lacks a date or a good relationship. His life seems overflowing and abundant with love, regardless of looks, resources, or charm. I am one of those guys – just an average- looking middle-aged guy who women fall in love with easily.

Is there some special quality that only a few of us are gifted with at birth? Or are there secret things that a man can do to attract and sustain love from women? I have discovered more than a dozen things that you can do to attract more love (and more women) into your life. These actions also do something else – they help sustain a good relationship once you’ve got one. If you do these things, you will become one of those “lucky” men that women love. When you get to that point, please share the wealth. When those other guys ask you, “What’s your secret?”, send them to this site.

Here is a list of The 14 Techniques. Come back each month for a discussion of each one in turn.

  • Know Thyself
  • Have Some Body
  • Be Mysterious
  • Integrity Rules
  • Speak Truth
  • Take Care of Yourself
  • Get Over Yourself
  • Love Women
  • Care
  • Please Her
  • Enjoy Her
  • Show Up
  • Then What?
  • End Cleanly

When you implement these techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Technique #1: Know Thyself


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, I introduced the 14 Techniques: How to Get Women to Love You. Here is the first Technique #1:

Know Thyself

Women love men who know themselves. Women are attracted to men who are solid and confident, and clear and settled about their lives, their desires, and their work. You can fake confidence for awhile, but fakes are discovered (and dumped) quickly. You have to do the inner work that grows the younger, adolescent part of you into a man of integrity. This has to do with emotional maturity, not physical age. “Real men” attract women like crazy. This is not exclusive to male models with six-pack abs (although that kind of solidity doesn’t hurt). It means any man who knows himself well and stands solid in himself. "Know Thyself" was the advice carved into the Oracle of Delphi temple dedicated to the sun god Apollo in ancient Greece, when Socrates and Plato were founding modern philosophical inquiry. “Know Thyself” was good advice then, and it remains good advice today.

There are a hundred ways to accomplish this goal, and they all require time and effort dedicated to inner work. Here are a few examples:

  • Read almost any book in the self-help or psychology section of a bookstore. There are excellent books on men’s psychology, improving relationships, and inner development. Don’t just read them – do the exercises. Recommendations: The Power of Now, Iron John, Fire in the Belly, Conversations with God, The Way of the Superior Man, Mars and Venus on a Date.
  • Join a 12-step program if you have any addictions that are getting in the way. We’re almost all addicted to something. We try to fill that hole inside of us with some “filler” or stimulant. For some men it is the obvious vices: alcohol, cocaine, cigarettes, or sugar-and-fat-laced foods. For others it is a compulsion to have sex (beyond a healthy sex life), or to watch TV for hours at a time. For others it is work itself which has become the addiction. If you’re working more than ten hours a day consistently, you’re probably a workaholic. The twelve steps are a growth and healing technology we can all use.
  • Get into regular therapy and stick with it, even if you don’t feel like you need it. There are as many kinds of therapy as there are therapists. Interview at least ten before you decide who to work with, then commit yourself to a year’s worth of inner exploration.
  • Take a workshop on self-development from an organization such as Landmark Education (The Forum), Star’s Edge (The Avatar Course), or others.
  • Find a reputable masseuse or body worker who does deep tissue body work, such as Rolfing. Go see a psychic, shaman, or healer to heal deep wounds from the past. Yes, it’s weird, but it also works, and women will love the fact that you’re open minded enough to explore these aspects of yourself.
  • Study the history of philosophy, psychology, religion, mythology, or civilizations. The more you know about your past, and the past of your culture, the more prepared you are for creating a good future.
  • Learn to meditate. Then do it – at least once, and if possible, twice a day. Finding your “center” is the single best way to be more at peace and ease with yourself, and with her, and with your co-workers. There are a hundred different types of meditation. Try them all until you find one that works for you. I recommend learning the techniques from Vipassana (Mindfulness), TM, or Zen, but you can also just sit quietly without distractions for twenty minutes.
  • Go to yoga class – regularly. Try different types of yoga and different teachers until you find one you like. Stretching your body will give both your body and your mind more flexibility and ease of flow. Every yoga school has beginner’s classes. They don’t laugh when you’re clumsy, and they are filled with lovely, lithe women. Women outnumber men in most of these activities ten to one, so especially if you’re single, get thee to a yoga class. As you age, you need yoga more and more to stay flexible and fit.
  • Take workshops dedicated to men’s development, such as The Sword & Scepter, The ManKind Project’s New Warrior Training Adventure, or Sterling Institute’s Men’s Weekend.
  • Join a men’s group. There are men’s groups in every state that you can join, or you can start your own. Check out The National Men’s Resource Center (www.menstuff.org) for a listing of Men’s Councils, or MenWeb (www.menweb.com), The Men’s Center (www.themenscenter.com), or Nation of Men (www.nom.org). When you are working on yourself and your stuff in the presence of other men, it’s impossible to feel alone. A Men’s Group shows you that it is possible to grow and change, gives you structure for doing so, and provides models of excellence to learn from.
  • Take dance lessons. Learn to move with grace. Try partner dancing such as Salsa or Tango, even if (especially if) you think of yourself as someone who “can’t dance.” Also try self-expressive dance classes such as Gabrielle Roth’s 5 Rhythms Training (www.ravenrecording.com). A man who can move attracts women’s attention, because so many men can’t. It will also affect how you walk, talk, and work. Men who can dance well are women magnets.
  • Create art. Get out some art supplies and put some paint or crayon on paper. Make something out of clay. Play a musical instrument. Start expressing the non-verbal parts of yourself. Take a few classes at your local college. (Life drawing classes usually feature live nudes, which always inspire creative expression.) Drawing gets you out of your head, quiets the mind, and brings you into the present moment. It’s a great antidote to thinking. Read “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” and do the exercises.
  • Engage in interesting conversations with interesting people. Take the most interesting person you know out to lunch and ask a lot of questions. Be interested, rather than interesting. It will give you something to think and talk about that is outside your current reality. Do this with a different person each week. Do this with elderly people, and with people completely unlike you. Each time you gain a new perspective you get a new lease on life. Stretch your mind in new directions.
  • Explore your spirituality. For many people, their religion gives them everything they need. However, many people rejected their church’s teachings somewhere along the way. There are many good ways to get back in touch with the Divine, God, Spirit, Higher Self, or whatever you prefer to call it. Your spiritual nature is as important to work on as your physical, emotional, and intellectual nature. You can find a path that is personally fulfilling to you. Explore books, classes, trainings, workshops, and spiritual teachers.

When you realize that your task in life is to “Know Thyself,” the study of almost anything can lead you to greater self-knowledge. There are thousands of resources available to us – more than at any time throughout history. The way to become more interesting to women is to be…. interesting! And the way to be interesting is to be interested. The more different things you are interested in and study, the more depth you have. Women love depth. They want to bathe in it. They want to revel in it.

In almost all of these areas of exploration, women outnumber men. Women attending self-development and spiritual workshops always outnumber men at least two to one, and sometimes ten to one. Those of us who engage in these activities are surrounded by women. Why? Because most men aren’t interested, but most women are. And if you are one man in a room-full of women, you’ll be noticed, and desired, and surrounded by women. It’s a good time and place to be a man.

And as you get to Know Thyself, remember also to Love Thyself. If you don’t love you, how do you expect anyone else to love you?

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails

Next month: Have Some Body!

Technique #2: Have Some Body


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #1: Know Thyself. Here is Technique #2:

Have Some Body

Women love men who are comfortable in their bodies. Most men live a short distance away from their bodies, and inhabit only two small regions: their head and their genitals. This disturbs women who live in and through their bodies. Women can sense instantly whether you are “in” or “out” of your body, and how comfortable you are inside your skin. Men who are in touch with their body’s feelings and sensations are more sensitive to women’s feelings, so they make better lovers. Women know this.

What can you do to get into your body? Exercise is one route, but it is possible to use exercise to harden your shell, rather than get in touch with what you are actually feeling. Gyms are filled with hard body types who radiate the message “I’m hard – and insensitive!” Exercise is great for you, in fact it is essential to your health, but strength and aerobic exercise should be mixed in with yoga or dance – the two best practices for learning to inhabit your body. Check yourself into yoga classes and dance classes in your city. Get over your embarrassment. They are almost always filled with attractive women exploring their bodies, their sensuality, their health and their beauty. Notice how few men are in the room. Notice how much attention you get from dancers looking for a partner, and “yoginis” looking for a yogi.

If lovemaking is a dance, how many steps do you know? Many men have a repertoire of only a few steps: The “I’ll take what I want” tango. The “I got mine” waltz. The “This is the way I like it” two-step. There are hundreds of other steps, and they can all be learned. Bodies are fascinating, and they are worthy of careful study. Here is one piece of advice that you can use your entire life to get women to love you more: Slow Down! W a a a a y D o w n. Women open to sexuality and make love at a much slower speed than men. They rarely catch up if you’re jetting ahead. Slow down your lovemaking fervor. You’ll have more time to explore, have fun, and receive much more pleasure. And, you’ll get much more love from your woman. This is especially true before sex. “Foreplay” is not some technique that you use in order to get laid. The sexual act should be a slow, languorous walk from sensual touching and kissing to the curtain call of orgasm. If it feels like a snail’s pace to you, it’s about the right speed for most women. Imagine that you’re taking a stroll through a forest rather than sprinting 100 yards. Take time to feel each sensation in your body, and imagine what she feels with each caress. There’s nothing wrong with hot, aggressive sex, but this should be the culmination of a long, slow progression of heat and desire. Try it. You’ll like the results.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Technique #3: Be Mysterious


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #2: Have Some Body. Here is Technique #3:

Be Mysterious

What is The Mystery? It is the unknown, and the unknowable. It is something hinted at, but not revealed. It is what is potential, and what is possible. Women love mystery because they are part of the Great Mystery. They are neither knowable, nor understandable, nor figure-out-able, nor predictable. They change every moment like the weather, like the waves and tides of the ocean. This is what drives us crazy and this is what fascinates us to no end. It turns out that women love the mystery, and they love men who are a little mysterious.

Being mysterious does not mean hiding everything, nor does it mean pretending to be something you are not. I don’t recommend becoming a CIA agent in order to attract chicks. Being mysterious means being less predictable. It means changing your habits suddenly, for no good reason. It means not revealing everything about yourself on the first (or second, or fiftieth) date. Being mysterious is saying “I’m not going to tell you,” from time to time. (“Why?” she will ask. “I’m not going to tell you” is your answer, with a smile.)

Most men are completely predictable. If a busty blonde beauty walks in the door, it is a safe bet that almost every man will look at her. We can’t help it. We are creatures of habit, and of hormone. However, one man in the room won’t even notice her (or if he does, you can’t tell). His attention is fixed on the woman he is with. That is not predictable behavior, and it is very mysterious. Other women will notice, and ask each other, “What makes him so different?” And that is exactly the question you want them to be asking. Because they will want to find out.

Some dating experts recommend being “cocky and funny” in order to attract the attention and interest of women. Cockiness is a signal that indicates self-confidence, and “funny” can mean unpredictable, and therefore mysterious. This combination can, and often does, work, but it is also formulaic. Any “formula for attracting chicks” will work for awhile, but then it runs out of steam. Women want the real thing – they want authenticity. It is a better strategy to actually become mysterious. Take time to explore your spiritual nature – that is the ultimate Mystery. The big questions of life remain the most important questions to ask yourself: Who am I? Where did all this come from? Why are we here? When you really explore these big questions, you become deeply connected to that deeper mystery. Your depth and your mystery will be real. And women will love you for it.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Integrity Rules.

Technique #4: Integrity Rules


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #3: Be Mysterious. Here is Technique #4:

Integrity Rules

Integrity is defined as “Soundness of and adherence to moral principle and character; uprightness; honesty; the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished; an unimpaired condition.” For men, integrity means that all of your parts are aligned and integrated. It means speaking your truth and standing up for what is right and true. It includes honesty with yourself about yourself, honesty in your communication with others, and living your life based on principles that you’ve thought about and committed to.

Women open themselves to men they can trust. If a man is not trustworthy (and women know when this is true, regardless of what we say to them), she cannot open fully. When a woman opens fully, it is a sight to behold: beautiful, sexy, wild, and fully feminine. If your woman is not opening fully, if she is holding back her open, voluptuous, juicy self, it usually means that there is something going on with you that she can’t trust.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to look at yourself deeply, find out where you’ve been out of integrity. Then get it cleaned up. In the 12-step programs, this is called doing the “Ruthless Moral Inventory.” It means looking at every place in your life where you’ve been out of integrity, waking up to it, facing up to it, and cleaning it up. This doesn’t mean going into blame or shame, but taking responsibility for where you’ve been out of alignment with your own highest values, and doing what’s necessary. If you’ve committed a crime, or broken a promise, or withheld something you know is important to say or admit, buck up and be a man. Go back and admit that you made a mistake. Apologize for screwing up (or around). Make a new commitment to not do it again. Make amends wherever necessary. Then clean up your act going forward. If you make a promise, keep it. Be good for your word. Speak your truth about what you want and need, what is acceptable and isn’t acceptable. Live according to your highest principles, and your highest intuition about what’s right.

This is a lifetime practice, and it gets easier the more you practice it. Begin a list of “incomplete cycles,” – the promises you made but didn’t keep, the things you meant to say but never did, the projects you began but never finished, the agreements you broke, and the people you hurt that you never apologized to. Start with one each day and get it cleaned up. Take a gradient approach – start with the small ones where the stakes aren’t very high. Exercise this cleaning muscle, and build yourself up to handling bigger and bigger messes from the past. I guarantee that if you do this, by the end of one year you will have a new life, and you will be a man of integrity that women can trust and open to. In addition, you will be the kind of man that other men trust. You will be a man of integrity.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Speak Truth.

Technique #5: Speak Truth


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #4: Integrity Rules. Here is Technique #5:

Speak Truth

Okay guys, this is a tough one to admit: we are basically cowards. We would rather not say anything at all then tell the truth and have her get angry, or sad, or upset, or leave us. So we stuff the truth down inside and pretend it didn’t happen, or we pretend to be interested in what she’s saying, or we pretend that everything’s really okay. She knows intuitively when you are pretending, and she knows when you are withholding something. Women always know. Really. Don’t bullshit yourself into thinking that you can keep a secret. If your woman doesn't know what you’re withholding right away, she will figure it out pretty quickly.

The truth is that women are as tough as men when it comes to the truth. They might not like it in the moment, and they may cry and fuss when they hear it. It might make them sad, or mad, but they'll appreciate that the truth was spoken. Being a man of integrity means speaking the truth. This includes the outer truth of what actually happened, and your inner truth about what you think, how you feel, and what you see.

We each have our own internal truth. It often doesn’t match up with the other person’s inner truth. We have to get used to that fact. It’s uncomfortable to rub up against other people’s wounds, opinions, righteousness, preferences and sore spots. But rub we must. It’s the only way to have integrity.

Women love men who tell the truth, even when it hurts, because women love integrity more than they love feeling good. A woman wants her man to be who he is - not a malleable puppet, a people-pleaser, a charlatan, or a wuss. Live your truth, be your truth, and speak your truth, even when (especially when) it’s uncomfortable.

Okay, this is easy advice to give, but what about those really hard and nasty truths that would definitely hurt her feelings, and cause her to run out of the room screaming? “I can’t really say “Your butt has gotten so big that I'm disgusted by it,” can I? She would have a fit, and throw me out, or worse!” No, you shouldn’t say that, if you want to stay in relationship.

There are other guidelines that can help make telling the truth work. First, tell the truth about YOU – about what’s going on for you. Identify your own feelings (which women love) about whatever is going on. Stay out of blame or finger pointing. Take responsibility for what’s going on, and speak the truth with as much kindness as possible. Don't use the truth as a weapon to hurt her. Here’s the way to say it with love: “Honey, is this a good time to talk to you about something that’s uncomfortable?” (Get her assent. If it’s not a good time, make an appointment and hold it until then.) “I've been noticing that you're gaining weight, and it’s making me feel concerned about you. (Express your love and concern as a context for the conversation.) I also notice that I’m very uncomfortable even bringing up the subject because you’re sensitive about it. (Show her that you understand her feelings.) It's really important to me that you look good and feel attractive. (Speak the truth about what is important to you, but make it about her.) I feel really attracted to you when you feel and look good. (This lets her know that you have a preference, and that you want her to be attractive to you.) I know that’s what you want, too. How can I support you in slimming back down? (This is expressing your support, rather than your judgment about her.) How about if we start dieting and exercising together? (You’re offering her something she wants – more relationship time – as well as your support.)”

Yes, she will feel hurt, but she will also feel your care. She will get over the hurt, and she will appreciate your loving care and the fact that you are a man of truth. She will love you for it. The love she feels will last much longer than the hurt, which is momentary.

Many men just disappear when they’ve decided not to date a woman anymore, because they’re afraid to tell the truth. Women hate this, because they’ve been waiting in anticipation for that next call. Often, they make up excuses for your lame behavior until they suddenly realize you’re not going to call again, and that you’re just another jerk. There is a better way. Tell the truth. When you determine that you just don’t want to date her again, let her know, with care for her feelings. Here’s a few samples: “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I'm just not feeling a physical chemistry with you. So I won’t be calling you again.” Or, “It’s been fun, but I’ve gotten interested in dating another woman, so I’m going to do that.” DON’T add: “So I’ll call you, okay?” or “Talk to you later!” If it’s over, it’s over. The ultimate truth is, you’re just not that into her. So let her go – gently, gentlemanly. Don’t string her along because you’re afraid of hurting her. Better to hurt her and get it over with than draw out the hurt for weeks or months.

Speak the truth, men. It’s a skill that improves with practice. You’ll blow it sometimes, and women will get mad at you. Take it in stride, and learn to hone the skill. Next thing you know, you’ll be more in alignment with your true self, and you even start speaking the truth to yourself.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Take Care of Yourself.

Technique #6: Take Care of Yourself


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #5: Speak Truth. Here is Technique #6:

Take Care of Yourself

Women don't want to be the Mom in a relationship, nor do they want to be managers. They have to do enough of that with work, friends, kids, and the world. They don't want to have to remind you about your dentist appointment, to pick your socks up off the floor, to call your parents or your kids, or that the faucet STILL needs fixing. They don't want to have to remind you to take a shower or comb your hair. They want equal co-creators. That excites them.

As much as men hate to be nagged, women really hate to have to nag. They don't like themselves when they do it, and they don't like you when they have to do it. If they take the role of Mom, the sexual passion goes downhill fast – for both of you.

Be a big boy. Take care of yourself without being reminded of all the things you already know you are supposed to do, or agreed to do. Don't agree to something you don't want to do. And if you don't want to do something, say so clearly. Don't say, “Yeah, I’ll get to that later,” as a way of putting her off and then never getting to it. Say, “I won't be able to find time for that until after the next business trip.” or, “I think we'd be better off hiring someone to take care of that,” or “I don't really think this is quite as important as you do, so I'm not likely to get to it. Is there something else I can do, so that you can take care of this in a timely manner?” Or, “I'm really not good at that sort of thing, do we know someone who is?” (This last one is a real stretch for a lot of guys, but it's better than doing it poorly and then getting criticized for something you didn't really want to do in the first place.)

A woman's favorite words (next to “I love you.” and “You look great.”) are: “I've got it handled.” It's music to their ears. Then they can relax and do their own thing, which isn't management, but being creative and loving you.

Taking care of yourself also means taking care of your body. Amazingly, there are still some men who don’t know that they should shower every day (with soap), use deodorant, and keep their fingernails (and toenails) clean and neatly shaped. With some exceptions, women like men who take care of their bodies, who care about their looks. If you’re one of the clueless, get some clues from men’s magazines like GQ and Men’s Health. Ask your girlfriend to help you go shopping for new clothes (this is the moment they’ve been waiting for). Most men don’t mine making small adjustments to please women, so invite them to help you improve. If you don’t already exercise or do yoga or dance, start. Become fascinated by your body, and look for ways to take care of it. Think of it as your Temple of Worship. You’re the caretaker.

Look around your environment. What would your mother say? If you can hear her harping to “Clean up your room!” you probably should. Do the basics, then ask your woman for her help redecorating. Again, she’ll be thrilled, and you’ll get a better environment out of it. You don’t have to become a cleaning fanatic, but don’t be a pig. That’s what we did as teenagers to rebel against Mom. Be an adult. Take care of yourself.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Get Over Yourself.

Technique #7: Get Over Yourself


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #6: Take Care of Yourself. Here is Technique #7:

Get Over Yourself

Okay, you’ve explored yourself, taken a few workshops and yoga classes, learned to Salsa, and found your spirituality. Now, get over yourself. Men can become absorbed in almost anything, from watching a ball game to fixing a sink. Men can become obsessed with their own image (the gym is full of this type), or with their spirituality (“Fly boys” are the spiritual types who will happily spend hours meditating or hanging out with gurus but have no grounding in the real world of money and work). Men can become obsessed about a single academic topic or a specialized field of knowledge (baseball statistics, automotive specifications, or making money in the stock market). Women love men of depth, but not if it’s a depth in only in one dimension. Nor do they want to be with a man who only focuses on himself. My ex-wife once said, “You are most self-absorbed person I’ve ever met.” At the time, I thought that was ridiculous. Looking back twenty years, I suspect she was right.

Father Thomas Keating, a Benedictine monk, observed: “The American way is to first feel good about yourself, and then feel good about others. But spiritual traditions say it’s really the other way around – that you develop a sense of goodness by giving of yourself.” Any act of nobility – from giving a homeless person money to picking up and comforting a child who has fallen down, reminds us that we are more than just a mind trapped in a body. We are all connected at some deep level – what Jung described as the “Collective Unconscious.” When you reach out beyond yourself, when you make a contribution to others without thinking about what it gets you, your soul is deepened, and you are ennobled. This nobility – getting over yourself – is very attractive to women, who tend to be that way automatically.

Women know that they are connected to each other and to the world. They are born without boundaries and their work in the world is to learn to establish good boundaries. As men, we are born naturally boundaried. Our work is to loosen, open, and make flexible our boundaries so we can feel and see our connection to others. Doing good things for others, whether for an individual, a group, or a charity, is something that makes you feel good about yourself, and it makes you more attractive to others. If you start off volunteering only for ego reasons (to meet women or to get praise or to feel good), that’s okay. Eventually, you will get to know, down in your bones, that there is a wider purpose to your life. You will become authentically generous. Women will love you for it. Start getting over yourself.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Love Women.

Technique #8: Love Women


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #7: Get Over Yourself. Here is Technique #8:

Love Women

If you want to be loved by women, love your woman, and extend your love to all women. If all women were parts of one fantastic creature, like ants in an ant colony, or the curves that collectively make up a woman’s shape, you would see each woman as representative of something huge and wonderful, worthy of adoration and praise. Women are, in fact, connected to something much larger – the Divine Feminine. This cosmic force is often referred to as “the Goddess.” It is the feminine side of every equation, and it exists deep inside every woman – from the newborn baby girl to the cute young girl to the budding adolescent young woman to the gorgeous maiden in her 20’s to the mature woman and mother to the elder crone. Other cultures have recognized this glory of the feminine that takes all forms. In ancient India, it was called “Shakti.” She has a thousand other names: Demeter, Inana, Hawwah or Awa, Dana or Diana, Isis, Ishtar or Astarte, Aphrodite. This is the Great Lineage of the feminine, which gave birth to everything.

It is understandable that the ancients worshiped the Great Mother. When you see that you came out of your mother, and so did your momma, and so did everybody else, you can work your way back to a Great Mother that gave birth to everything. The male Gods, and the Judeo-Christian masculine God, came late on the scene – after tens of thousands of years of Goddess worship.

Why is this important? Because women want to be seen for who they really are, behind their everyday presentation. They want to be seen as beautiful expressions of the Divine, as they truly are. Worship is dangerous, of course, because it places someone on a pedestal, and we know where that leads – it’s a long fall. I do not recommend worshipping any woman. It leads to big trouble. I do, however, recommend worshipping the Goddess that she is an expression of. If you see past her physical body, and past her psychological trips, and past her nonsense and past her habits and her quirks and her (dare I say it?) shit, and look deeply into the Source of her, you will see the Goddess.

When you can see that your woman, who has suddenly become a crazed bitch or a sobbing puddle of emotion or a withdrawing child, is merely acting out one of the many manifestations of the Goddess, it is much easier to handle. It’s just one act in a huge unfolding play of the Goddess manifesting as everything all the time. “Oh Good! I don’t have to take it so seriously!” You can even move into an appreciation of its glory.

Become absolutely fascinated by women, and all the ways they express their beauty and love and creativity. And don’t forget to be fascinated by the dark side of women, too – destruction and spite, anger and spit-fire, uncontrolled emotions and complete illogic. Think of the ocean, which is sometimes calm and sometimes fierce, but never steady, and always changing. From this vantage point, you will gain an appreciation and an understanding of women that few men have. If you extend your love to THAT divinity, women will love you for it. They rarely experience that all-encompassing love from a man, so when they do, they melt and open to the most beautiful aspects of themselves. You will be the beneficiary of that. Ain’t nothin’ better.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Care.

Technique #9: Care


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #8: Love Women. Here is Technique #9:

Care.

Caring is concern for another. Men are built for caring about things, actions, and accomplishments. Women are built for caring for people, babies, and places. A woman’s entire psyche is programmed for caring. While they care for others, they are hungry to be cared for in return.

The best place for a woman to get this kind of care-juice is from other women, but women expect and want men to care for them in the same way. The truth is: we can't. We're not women, and we’re not built for it. It’s like asking a Volkswagen to pull an 18-wheel trailer. You will strain the engine, get too much momentum going downhill, and be out of control in no time.

Our attention as men is easily focused on getting things accomplished. Here's a trick that works: Create the goal of making your woman feel cared for. If you accomplish that, you'll feel good about your own accomplishment, and she will feel filled up with your care for her. Then her love will overflow like a fountain – and you'll be the lucky recipient.

Caring for your woman means putting your attention on her and being really interested in what’s going on with her (not just pretending to be interested). Here are the simple instructions: Notice that she changes every moment, just like the ocean and the weather. Become very interested in who she is in this moment. Whenever you are with her, be very curious about what she's been doing, how she's been feeling, and how she's changed since you last saw her. Ask her. Be interested in what she needs and wants in this moment (yes, it's different than the last moment). Watch her change as you do this.

And keep doing it.

Most women are starving for this kind of attention. It doesn’t require a lot of your time or energy to give it to her. She gets filled up quite quickly by this attention when you genuinely care about her. When she feels filled up, she can then go off happily and leave you alone to do whatever you were doing before she showed up.

Here’s what usually happens (Thanks to David Deida for this accurate description. See www.deida.com.) You’re watching a football game on TV, and it’s one of those moments when all of your attention is fixed, waiting to see whether or not they’ll get a first down. You are in bliss. Your woman walks into the room. Your first response to her presence is, “Oh shit. There goes my bliss – right down the tubes.” She says to you, “Honey, where do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

You want to return to your blissful state, so your goal is to solve the problem (her) as quickly and efficiently as you can. You respond: “Anywhere you want to go is fine.” You then return your attention to the game, hoping that the problem is fixed.

Of course, it isn’t. She didn’t come in to check on dinner. She came in to get attention, to be in relationship, and to see if you care. You just told her “I don’t care,” so she has to re-engage in order to see if you care. She says, “Well how about that new place on Broadway? I heard the food is really good.” You, grumbling to yourself, just want her to go away. So you say “That’s fine.” And you return your attention to the TV.

What she hears and feels is, “I don’t care about where we go to dinner, and I don’t care about you.” This interaction will continue until you get angry and snap at her or she gets bitchy and yells at you. There goes your bliss, a nice dinner, and the sex you were hoping to get afterwards.

Here is the alternative scenario when you express your care: She walks in and asks about dinner plans. You recognize that what she is really saying (regardless of what words come out of her mouth) is: “Do you care about me? Do you love me?” Now that you are an enlightened male, you take a breath, stand up (knowing that you’ll get back to the game and your bliss momentarily), walk up to her, grab her, kiss her passionately, and say, “Lover, as soon as this game is over, I’m going to grab your ass, throw you down on the bed, and make love to you for an hour. After that, I’ll be ravenous, so go make some reservations and then take a nice, long bath and get all clean and sweet for me, because tonight dessert comes first.”

You know what happens next. She is dazed by your care and your strong masculine presence. She floats out of the room in ecstasy and leaves you alone with your football bliss for the rest of the hour. You now get to enjoy the game, have passionate sex, and you didn’t have to decide where to have dinner. That’s what caring gets you.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Please Her

Please Her


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #9: Love Women. Here is Technique #10:

Please Her.


This may be news to some of you: Her needs are more important than your needs. At least to her. If you want to sustain and enhance your relationship, find ways to make her needs more important than yours. Not all the time, but often enough. If you want a woman to love you, put your attention on what she wants and needs. Sometimes she will tell you what she wants and needs, but most of the time she expects you to read her mind and figure it out. Yes, it's unfair, but that's the deal.

It turns out that when you DO put your attention on her, and DO try to figure out (or perceive) her wants and needs, you'll be right much of the time, and wrong some of the time. But you'll win her love ALL of the time if you're trying, because that means you're giving her the most precious gift of all - your attention.

If you're focused on getting your own needs fulfilled most of the time (and many of us will admit that this is true 99% of the time), you'll miss out on pleasing her. When a woman is pleased, she opens her heart, and her love pours out, and she showers it on you. The more time you focus on her needs, wants, and desires, the more you will be loved. Although it is counter-intuitive, the more you focus on her, the better it is for you. Then, the more you are loved the more filled up you feel, and the more life energy, attention, and joy you have to bring to the rest of your life – including to her! This is the definition of a positive feedback loop.

The negative feedback loop works equally well. You withdraw your attention from her, and she closes her heart. This makes her less attractive to you, so you withdraw your energy and attention further. This causes her to become bitchy and very unattractive. You then start looking at other women, which she resents and feels hurt by, so she finds ways to be passive aggressive.

And so on, until you split up.

Pleasing a woman is not difficult. In fact, it is a simple series of small steps. Give her the gift of your attention. Feel how she is feeling. Be compassionate when she is hurting. Listen a lot. Many small moves are better than one big move. Bring her a surprise gift of one flower for no reason (not a bouquet). Leave a love note on her mirror. Call her on the phone when she least expects it (not at 2 am when you're stumbling out of a bar). Dress up when you take her out, and work as hard at looking good for her as she works at looking good for you. Call her girlfriends and ask them (secretly) what she would really like. (They’ll secretly tell her that you called, which will please her.) Kiss her suddenly and passionately in an unlikely public place (standing in line for a movie, or in the aisle of a grocery store). Hold her hand when you're walking. These small gestures will please her. They let her know in many ways that you care about her. She will look for ways to please you in return.

Women often do not know what they need or want. Most of the time, they are a bundle of emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations that change from moment to moment. No wonder we don’t understand them. They are not understandable.

However, you have something that she doesn’t have: a penetrating awareness that can see through the storm going on inside of her.

This is a characteristic of masculine consciousness. It takes a little practice, but it isn’t difficult.

The next time she is being bitchy, or confused, or hormonal, or withdrawing, imagine that your consciousness is like a powerful lighthouse with a penetrating beam of light that can cut through fog. Extend this penetrating awareness deeply into her core, past what she looks like, past what she is saying, and past what she is feeling. Look into the very depths of her and ask yourself the question, “What does she really need right now?” Take whatever answer you get and act on it immediately.

She might need a big strong hug that doesn’t let her go despite her resistance. When you hold a woman strongly, she may resist at first, but don’t buy into her resistance. Keep holding her firmly. At some point, she will melt, and she may break down and cry. This is a good thing. Keep holding her through it. (This is not 100% foolproof. If she is screaming at you to let her go, take this as a sign to either lighten up or let her go and try something else. Try asking, “What do you need right now?” She may or may not know, but she’ll appreciate that you asked.)

If she’s withdrawing or angry, and you see that she needs to be loved, act like a lover and pick her up and take her to the bed and make love to her. Your penetrating consciousness is much more likely to be accurate than her protests.

However, don’t be an idiot. If what you are doing isn’t working to change her state, do something else. But don’t take your attention off of her. What she needs more than anything is your attention and your desire to please her.

When you care, you can express your concern in a thousand ways. When a woman feels cared for, she becomes generous with her energy, and she opens like a flower. The time you spend caring will return to you a thousand fold. Here’s a surprising fact: physical objects also change when you care for them. If you have houseplants, see what happens when you express your care and concern, noticing them and talking to them (out of sight of other people!). You probably already care for your automobile, and have noticed that it runs better than if you neglect it. Care for the objects in your house. Care for strangers. Care for the world. It is a powerful act that is guaranteed to create magic in your life.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Enjoy Her

Enjoy Her


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #10: Please Her. Here is Technique #11:

Enjoy Her.

What is it about her that you really like? Is it the same as when you were first attracted to her? What is it that attracts you now? What pleases you about her? What is it about her that gets you excited? Make a list, and write it down.

You get to decide where to focus your attention. If you focus your attention on what you enjoy about her, she will feel your enjoyment. She will feel beautiful. She will feel filled up, and she will love you more. If you focus your attention on what doesn't please you, or what bugs you, she will feel demeaned, diminished, unfulfilled and bad about herself. Love will stop flowing, and the relationship juice will dry up. Ugh.

Men hate it when women complain. This is usually because complaining reminds us of our mother. A woman complains when she doesn’t feel filled up with the love she needs, with the love she feels she deserves. If you show her that you enjoy who she is, you will fill your woman up with attention and love, and she will bring that juicy energy to you.

Put your attention on exactly what you enjoy about her, and let her know.

• “I just can't stop looking at your breasts. I think they are the most perfect shape I've ever seen.”
• “When you smile like that, I get a warm feeling inside my heart.”
• “I really like how excited you get when you talk about that. It makes you look very attractive.”
• “The light on your face makes you look beautiful, like you’re glowing from within.”

We have been taught that women like compliments, so we tend to throw them out mechanically: “You look great.” These automatic compliments sound empty because they are empty. Women know when you are using a line. They may appreciate the effort, but it won’t touch them where they want to be touched.

Women appreciate congruence in men. This is when your words are in alignment with your feelings and your body language. Saying “That dress looks great on you,” while you’re reading a magazine won’t do it for her. Instead, look her up and down slowly. Feel what attracts you. Then tell her.

Here’s an example: “Wow. I love how that dress emphasizes your waist. It makes me want to just grab you and ravish you!” That will fill her up for the whole day.

Men and women enjoy different kinds of things. If your woman enjoys watching sports with you, you’re a lucky man. If you want to please her, do something with her that she enjoys doing and just decide to enjoy it (not put up with it while pretending to like it but really feeling resentful and waiting for it to be over).

Here is a great suggestion: Learn to enjoy shopping with her, especially shopping for clothes. When I was married, I hated shopping with my wife because she did it as a task to get done, rather than enjoying it as a process. Things changed when my post-divorce girlfriend took me shopping. It was a revelation! She invited me to go into the changing room with her while she was trying on lingerie! She liked showing off for me, and I got very turned on. From that moment on, I became a “dream date” for women. I love shopping. I hunt for clothes that I think will look sexy on her, and I tell her my honest opinion about each outfit she tried on.

Women actually prefer to hear the truth (“That dress doesn’t look as good on you as the green one, which made me want to pull you down onto the floor and make love to you in front of all these other customers.”). Women like men who have and express an opinion. Stock compliments don’t work. (“That looks fine.”). If you don’t have an opinion, CREATE one. Enjoy the joy that this creates inside of her.

Focus on YOUR enjoyment of her, and let her know what pleases you. Do it often. Your reward will be a flow of love and support - the kind you've always wanted from a woman.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Show Up.

Show Up


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #10: Enjoy Her. Here is Technique #1

Show Up

Women constantly complain to each other about how their men don't show up. There are the obvious “Errors of Not Showing Up” such as when you say you will meet her somewhere and don’t arrive. There are also times when you aren’t showing up when you ARE with her. In the corporate world, they have two words for this phenomenon: Absenteeism, which is when an employee doesn’t show up for work, and Presenteeism, which is when the employee shows up physically, but remains unproductive because they haven’t shown up mentally. When you are with a woman, show up fully. The most egregious examples of NOT showing up include:

  • Being late for a date and not apologizing, or providing a lame excuse.
  • Being with her physically but your mind and attention are somewhere else: on the TV, on your own troubles, or on another woman walking by.
  • Saying you'll call and then not calling.
  • Not calling her for three days or more.
  • Not taking care of yourself and your own needs, then resenting her for the time she wants to spend with you.
  • Showing up angry, pre-occupied, depressed, or wanting to be somewhere else.

All of these actions scream at a woman “I don't care about you.” Many women will make excuses for you for awhile, because they love you. Eventually, they realize that you are really just a jerk (a man who doesn’t care about women). Either show up, or tell the truth that you're not going to show up. A woman would rather hear the truth than have you make a promise and not keep it. Women deserve your respect. All people deserve respect, but any woman who will put up with you really deserves respect.

Showing up means bringing every part you to the present moment, rather than burying the parts you would rather hide. It means being present with all of your feelings (even the bad ones), all of your attention, and all of your thoughts. It means being willing to experience anything and everything in the moment, rather than avoiding certain circumstances or interactions. It means being real, and speaking your truth.

She may not like everything you show up with, but it’s more important to be solid inside yourself than to lose yourself by trying to please her. She wants that fullness of your presence more than anything. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her. Be willing to engage in conflict (we all have our differences), but fight fair and keep loving her all the way through it.

Showing up also means cleaning up after yourself. You’re human. You make mistakes. Clean up whatever mess you made. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Just say: “I did it. I’m really sorry. I’ll do my best to not do it again. Or: “I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will make a new promise, and I will do it by this date… “ Or: “I’ll make it up to you by… (Be specific, and make it good for her).” Then, check in with her: “Does that clear it for you? Or is there something else you’re need, or something else you’re upset about?”

If you notice that you’re not showing up in a particular situation, the best thing to do is to admit it to her (she already knows anyway). Try saying, “Honey, I really want to be here with you, but I’m finding myself distracted and uncomfortable. I need to go away and take care of myself. I will come back and be with you ____ (Provide a specific time and then keep your promise.). Is there anything you need from me before I go?” This is a type of “showing up” when you can’t show up. Your honesty and integrity means a lot more to her than your “presenteeism.”

Showing up also means showing up for yourself. There is a way to care for yourself, and for your own needs, that goes beyond narcissism and egotism. If you honestly assess your own needs, wants and desires, and you dive deeply intoyour own motivations and your underlying beliefs, you will be working the soil that is necessary before you plant the seeds of your future. If you really show up for yourself, you’ll become more able to show up for her. And when you show up for her, you can count on her showing up fully for you, with all her love.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next Month: Then What?

Then What?


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #12: Show Up. Here is Technique #13:

Then What?

On a recent date with a woman I was interested in, I said, “Someday I would like to make love to you.” She smiled, obviously enjoying the comment and my penetrating gaze. She looked at me, and asked seriously, “Then what?”

I was stumped for a moment – stopped cold. I didn't understand the question.

I thought to myself “What do you mean, ‘Then what?’” In the next moment, an amazing revelation flashed through my brain. I said to her, “That's the difference between men and women! Men are accomplishment oriented. Making love to you was the endpoint of my plans – it was as far as my thoughts had taken me! You, as a woman, are relationship oriented. So you immediately wonder what will happen AFTER we make love!” It was a clear and true example of our vast differences as a man and a woman, and we laughed heartily.

Women want to know what will happen next. They love looking forward to events in the future. They spend huge amounts of time thinking about the future and getting ready for it. They will talk to their girlfriends about what might happen, and imagine what they will wear when something does happen, and how they’re going to feel when what might happen happens. They can’t help it. Imagining the future is one of the things they do. It is an expression of the beauty that women bring into the world, and one of the reasons that men love to make things happen.

If you want a woman to love you, give her a lot to look forward to. Plan a vacation or a trip or an overnight stay at a bed & breakfast inn in the next town. Don't tell her everything. Keep her in suspense. Women love to wonder, and love to be delighted by pleasant surprises. Tell her, “I'm taking you somewhere next Friday night. Pack two kinds of clothes – casual and fancy, and make sure you have your hiking shoes and a bathing suit. We're leaving at 4:00 pm sharp.” When she begs to know more, don't tell her. You don't need to plan everything in detail - just figure out your options, and decide when you get there. Pretend that you planned it all out from the beginning. She’ll be in so much bliss that she won’t notice.

Women feel secure when they can see a future with a man, and they feel insecure when they can't. Women leave men who won’t make a commitment to the future. For that reason, talk to your woman about future events. This can include anything – from where you are going to take her out to dinner (if it’s not a surprise, find out what would please her) to what movies she would like to be taken to see (not the ones you’d like to see and drag her along). Ask her what foreign countries she would like to visit, and what she would do there. Talk to her about her desires for her life, her work, her family, her health, and her future.

Don't be dishonest about this, and don’t make promises you won't keep. Be curious. Think and plan as far forward as you can, and talk to her about it - even if it's only to your next date. When she knows that you’re thinking about a future with her, she will feel more secure. When she can trust you more she can open up more. When she opens, her femininity blossoms, her beauty flows, and you will receive the gift of her love.

Women get turned on at a speed about one-tenth as fast as men. In other words, if it takes you five minutes to feel hot and ready for sex, it takes her almost an hour. Here’s how you can use this to your advantage: Begin to talk to her about what you want to do in bed with her at least one hour, and preferably many hours before you make love to her. Drop little hints at first, and gradually get more graphic. “I don’t know if I can wait until tonight, because I keep thinking about how your breasts feel in my hands.” “I remember how you screamed the last time we made love. I want you to really let it out tonight.” “I’m going to suck on your toes tonight, and if you’re good, I’ll work my way all the way up your body.”

By the time you get to bed, your woman will be juicy and turned on, hardly able to wait until your clothes are off. Great lovers practice this technique, raising her temperature as slowly as possible until she nearly explodes when she’s touched. To see this technique in action, rent the movie “Don Juan de Marco” starring Johnny Depp. Later, watch it again with her, and watch her reactions. Then act like Don Juan de Marco. Let her know “then what.” Then you’ll find out “what then.” It will surprise and delight you.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: End Cleanly.

End Cleanly


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #13: Then What? Here is Technique #14:

End Cleanly

It is as important to show up at the end of a relationship as it was at the beginning. In the realm of love and relationships, we need to tell the truth when the relationship isn’t going well, or when it has gone as far as it can go.

Unfortunately, most men just disappear at the end of a romance. I’ve done it myself. It’s easier to not call her than to tell her it’s over. “She’ll figure it out,” we think. “She’ll get it.”

The fact is: we are cowards. We don’t want to see her break down and cry. We don’t want to have to deal with a mass of messy emotions and tears, answering the “Why?” question, or feeling bad or guilty. We’d rather just move on and let her deal with it.

Don’t be a coward. Whether you really loved this woman or only had sex with her, she deserves to be honored for the time she spent with you. I once had a boss who couldn’t tell me that I was doing a lousy job. He couldn’t even tell me that he was firing me. He informed me one day, “There’s someone moving into your office, so can you move your personal things out of there?” I had to ask: “Are you firing me?” He sheepishly admitted it: “Yeah, I guess I am.” Do NOT be this kind of man, especially to a woman.

If something isn’t working for you in the relationship, discuss it truthfully. She might be willing to make an adjustment, if it’s an issue she can do something about. It’s also possible that it’s your issue, not hers, and has little to do with her. (If this issue keeps coming up with many different women, you can count on the fact that it’s your issue.) If it is, perhaps you might be willing to do something about it. Get into therapy. Read a self-help book. Go into couples counseling with her, with the goal of finding out whether its repairable or not.

If it is over, there are many ways of telling her that it’s over without being a jerk:

  • “I think you're a great woman, but I'm not feeling the chemistry I'm looking for, so I won't be calling you again.”
  • “I really like your sense of humor and how much you care about your dog, but I'm not feeling that spark I want to feel in a relationship. I wish you well in your search for the right guy.”
  • “I started dating another woman, and there is something there that I want to check out, so I won't be dating you again. I’ve had a great time getting to know you, though.”
  • Or the most truthful truth: “I’m just not that into you. But I do wish you well.”

Don't just go away and leave her hanging, or waiting for your call. Be a real man. Own your feelings, and tell the truth. You have a right to do so. Complete the relationship and move on. Your women will not like it at the moment she hears it, but if it’s your real truth, she will respect you for telling the truth and not stringing her along.

One of the worst things men do is stay in relationships to get sex while they’re looking for a relationship with another woman that is more satisfying. This is the “don’t give up one until you have another” strategy. This is disrespectful to the woman you’re with. Women take us into their bodies as well as their hearts, so it takes them more time to clear us out of their system. For a man, it usually takes as long as it takes to have sex with another woman. For women, it usually takes one month or more for every year she has been in relationship.

End one relationship before you get into a new one. It is so much cleaner. Don’t be afraid of being alone. If there’s another woman waiting in the wings, make her wait awhile while you clear your energy field. If you take time to be alone and single before you dive into another relationship (or start hunting for one), you will feel much more solid in yourself, and you will be more attractive to other women.

If you’re dating more than one woman, be honest about it. It is true that some women won’t be able to handle it, but your own integrity is more important than her feelings. You don’t have to go into detail, but you can say “I’m dating multiple people right now while I’m looking for the right relationship.” She will appreciate your honesty, and will hope that she becomes “Ms. Right.” And while it may be true that she is just “Ms. Right Now,” at least you won’t be pretending she’s the only one.

End your relationships cleanly, with honesty and integrity. Women talk to each other about men all the time, and you will be talked about – either as a jerk, or as an unusual man of integrity. You will either be known as “one to watch out for,” or “one to look for.”

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Keep Beginning Forever

Keep Beginning Forever


We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #14: End Cleanly. Here is Technique #15:

Keep Beginning Forever

What does it mean to “Keep beginning forever?” My friend Saniel Bonder, a spiritual teacher and author of “Waking Down” and “Healing the Spirit/Matter Split,” points out that there is a mysterious newness that underlies all relationships, all the time, whether they are just starting or are decades old.

Relationships are a reflection of the Great Mystery, which at one time was One Being, One Totality, without beginning or end. This One decided one fateful day that It was bored (of course, since It was Everything it had no one to play with). Since It was already All, there was only one thing It could do to make Being more interesting: to split into Two – the original division into Yin and Yang, Masculine and Feminine, Positive and Negative. The symbol of the Tao, the Yin/Yang, reflects this Two-ness that is One-ness. It continued to split and divide and differentiate until there was All That Is, an infinitude of parts and wholes and selves and others. So now we can’t ever get bored (although we can become boring!). We’re a part of that infinitely divided One, so every relationship between two entities is endlessly interesting, and always changing.

What we call masculine and feminine is a minor reflection of these universal opposites, about which the French say it best: Vive la différence! When we choose a path of self-growth, every day presents a new challenge of discovery. When there are two people committed to their own exploration of “Know Thyself” both on their own and together, this is an unbeatable combination. Relationships present us with challenge after challenge, testing us in every way possible, stretching our limits and strengthening our character. We are honed on the anvil of our experiences. We grow if this honing is done with self-awareness. We get sharper every day, more polished and smooth, more effective for the job we’re here to do.

In your relationship, your partner is guaranteed to push your buttons and piss you off sooner or later, or most likely both sooner and later. This is not in question. The only thing that is in question is “How will you respond?” This is our growth edge, our learning edge. Every day is a new beginning and a chance to respond differently. Every moment is an opportunity to awaken even more.

You have learned through these 15 Techniques that getting women to love you is not a goal, but is actually the result of developing your best self. The path of “Know Thyself,” the path of self development, self-growth, and self-discovery, is an endless and endlessly interesting road when traveled consciously. The people we love, and those we’re in relationship with, are our greatest teachers on this road. Once you start down this path, your life will never be the same. It will keep beginning forever.

When you find a woman with whom you can share this exploration, a woman who will walk by your side and love you while you move along this road of growth, grab her and marry her. Dive deeply into the most exciting adventure of a lifetime. Your relationship will really begin, and keep beginning, forever. Women look for men who are willing to make a commitment. Many men are commitment-phobes, afraid of making any kind of commitment or getting caught in a trap. Some men consider commitment a death knell, and run from it – fast – as soon as it’s mentioned. In the past, I, too, feared commitments. I learned, however, that commitment doesn’t have to be to “Forever.” It is perfectly reasonable to make a commitment to a specific, reasonable period of time as a test. When you take the initiative to discuss commitment, it can be on your terms, rather than hers. Here’s an example:

“Well, we’ve been seeing each other for three months, and it feels great, and neither of us are dating other people at the moment. I think it’s time we had the “commitment discussion.” Since I’m not ready to make a big, long-term commitment, I’d like to experiment with a short-term commitment. I’d like us to commit to an exclusive relationship, where neither of us are hunting or dating other people, for three months. Then we can re-evaluate and re-commit at that time. How does that sound?”

This will sound like sweet music to her, and it will protect you from the feeling that you’re about to be chained at the neck and ankles. Commitment allows you to turn off the hunting instinct. When you do this, you allow yourself to enter into a different quality of relationship that’s impossible to achieve when you’ve always got one eye out for Ms. Perfect.

Since everyone – and I mean everyone – has flaws, your job is to find out whether her flaws are ones you can live with, or not. And since every two people have some incompatibilities, your job is to determine whether the incompatibilities you have with her are manageable (through compromise, acceptance, or changing yourself) or not.

If the trial commitment works well, re-up for a longer one – six months or a year. If the relationship works for a year, and you are both continuing to grow and stay interested in each other, the relationship has a good chance of becoming a long-term committed relationship instead of just another short-term play relationship.

Once you make the long-term commitment, whether it’s “Until death do us part,” or “Until we feel like there’s nothing more to learn,” or “Until we just can’t stand each other any more,” you deepen your possibilities for growth and development even further. There are places you grow in long-term relationships that you just can’t touch in short-term ones.

And when you do turn your girlfriend into a life-mate and partner (yes, it’s something you do, not something that happens to you), you will discover the spontaneous unstoppable gratitude that springs up when you wake up in the morning and find her beside you. A fountain of joy awaits you. All it takes is for you to do what is necessary to get women to love you. Become the kind of man that women love. Make the world a better place to live.

When you implement these 15 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

You have my best wishes and my full support on your path.

©2009 Lion Goodman

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