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My Kids Should Always Obey Me!
It’s the perfect irrational statement for
fathers to create more problems in their
families.
For many men, this kind of thinking takes them
further and further from their kids, and it creates
a cycle of anger and frustration that’s hard
to break. But those who’d like to learn to
manage their anger can do so, especially if they
follow these ten steps:
1. Take responsibility for your own anger. The
only person in the world who causes you to get
angry is you! Commit to stop blaming others for
your angry outbursts and start devising strategies
to have it improve.
2. Use calming statements to yourself. Saying
things like, “take it easy,” or,
“stay calm, it’s not about you,” can
help men buy time and model self- control for their
children. These need to be practiced consistently
for them to be effective.
3. Leave the area immediately. You can’t
say or do anything that you’d regret when
you’re not there! Leaving the area as soon as
you’re aware of your growing anger can allow
you the time to respond to the situation, rather
than reacting from knee-jerk emotions. It usually
takes at least twenty minutes for most men to
totally calm down after an emotionally upsetting
event.
4. Become familiar with the warning signs of
impending anger. Whether you experience racing
thoughts, an accelerated heart rate, or sweaty
palms, come to know the signs that you are about to
explode. Stay aware of your body when an upsetting
event is looming. This awareness will allow you to
put your calming strategies into place. No
awareness--no calmness.
5. Proclaim your commitment to fewer angry
outbursts to someone in your family, or to your
whole family. This will put some teeth into the
commitment and force you to walk the talk. Now you
have accountability built into your commitment.
Your family will help you evolve into a calmer,
gentler guy.
6. Explore your personal issues around anger.
What are the particular issues that create such
anger in you? What are your irrational thoughts?
They can be things like, “I should be in
control,” or, My kids should always obey
me.” These thoughts are sure to cause anger
problems! Learn alternatives to these thoughts, and
prepare for situations which provoke irrational
thoughts.
7. Count to Ten. This is what your grandparents
may have done, but it is still an effective way to
get past the worst of the anger and allow yourself
to calm down a bit. This may also be done while
leaving the area.
8. Do something to reduce stress every day.
Whether it’s exercise, meditating, or reading,
try to do at least one thing each day that allows
you to feel more centered and relaxed. Most angry
outbursts happen when we’re stressed out, and
when we have other things on our mind. Create some
kind of daily ritual that lets you clear away this
excess baggage and allows you to enjoy your home
life to the fullest.
9. Use deep breathing. When you feel the signs
of anger coming your way, begin to breathe through
your nostrils slowly and make sure your abdomen and
stomach are expanding. When we get angry we tend to
use shallow chest breathing. Using slow, controlled
stomach breathing will allow you to avoid emotional
reactions and respond in a more rational way. One
of the advantages of deep breathing is that it can
be used for a variety of situations.
10. Practice a smooth transition from work to
home life. Many of our angry outbursts can be
traced to excess stress from work. We sometimes
bring this stress home with us and more easily
become annoyed or angry. Use a calming technique of
some sort on your drive home—a relaxing CD, or
diaphragmatic breathing. This will get you out of
work mode and into a more nurturing home mode, so
you’re ready to be a part of the family again
when you arrive.
Anger will happen in families. It will impact
some more than others. Unfortunately, it impacts
our children the most.
If you struggle with anger, show your family you
care, and practice an anger plan.
Your training opportunities are happening every
day.
© 2008 Mark
Brandenburg
Other Father Issues,
Books,
Resources
* * *
To this day I can remember my father's
voice, singing over me in the stillness of the
night. - Carl G. Jung
Mark has
a Masters degree in counseling psychology and has
been a counselor, business consultant, sports
counselor, and a certified life and business coach.
He has worked with individuals, teams, and
businesses to improve their performance for over 20
years. Prior to life and business coaching Mark was
a world-ranked professional tennis player and has
coached other world-ranked athletes. He has helped
hundreds of individuals to implement his coaching
techniques. Mark specializes in coaching men to
balance their lives and to improve the important
relationships in their lives. He is the author of
the popular e-books, 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent
Fathers
 ,
and Fix
Your Wife in 30 Days or Less (And Improve Yourself
at the Same Time
).
Mark is also the publisher of the “Dads
Don’t Fix your Kids” ezine for fathers.
To sign up, go to www.markbrandenburg.com
or E-Mail
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