Great
Fathers
Archive
2006
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Mark has a Masters degree in counseling
psychology and has been a counselor, business consultant, sports
counselor, and a certified life and business coach. He has worked
with individuals, teams, and businesses to improve their performance
for over 20 years. Prior to life and business coaching Mark was a
world-ranked professional tennis player and has coached other
world-ranked athletes. He has helped hundreds of individuals to
implement his coaching techniques. Mark specializes in coaching men
to balance their lives and to improve the important relationships in
their lives. He is the author of the popular e-books, 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers
,
and Fix Your
Wife in 30 Days or Less (And Improve Yourself at the Same Time
).
Mark is also the publisher of the “Dads Don’t Fix your
Kids” ezine for fathers. To sign up, go to www.markbrandenburg.com
or E-Mail
Listening to the worst from your kids
“First mom shrunk my favorite hat, then you guys lost my favorite book, then I did my alphabet for you and you didn’t even care!”
My seven-year-old son wrapped his arms around his head and tried his best to “shut out the world,” including me. My first thought was to convince him things weren’t so bad, and that tomorrow would be a better day. But by doing that, I’d also convince him that I didn’t understand his feelings, and what he was going through.
“Sounds like a pretty rotten day,” I replied.
That was all he needed.
For the next fifteen minutes, he told me about all of the awful things that he’d gone through, and who had committed the “crimes.” We ended the night in laughter, talking about the possibility of running naked through a winter storm to the corner store and back. It was decided neither of us would try, but we could do it, “if we really wanted to.”
Later that night, I thought about my son’s anger and his rapid recovery. I thought about how much more our kids share with us these days, and how little I shared with my parents. And I thought of what a blessing it is to have a son who’s able to share his life with me.
Back in the days of seeing and not hearing children, parents could often skip the part of parenting that involved listening closely and empathizing with their children. They could tell their kids to “shape up” or “stop whining” when they were struggling, and they could control them with fear. Children would respond by stuffing feelings, and holding onto their anger for long periods of time.
After my son had shared his feelings with me, I shared with him how glad I was that he could tell me what was bothering him. I told him that “anger energy” needs to be released from your body, or it starts to grow. And I shared that I was glad he didn’t have to stay angry as long as I did when I was a child, because I didn’t learn the “secret” of talking about my problems with someone I loved.
If we are to listen well, we must open ourselves to the good, the bad and the ugly in our children. At times, it is excruciatingly difficult to listen, when we want them to “get over it.” But all they need is one comment to show them we understand, and their mood shifts before us. All we need is to understand that kids are not adults, and that they often feel their emotions more strongly than we do.
And, they will remember how you responded to their emotions for the rest of their life.
So the next time your child is struggling, remember the blessings within the struggle. Remember the opportunity to join your child with kindness and compassion.
And remember that if you really want your child to “get over
it,” you’ll have to get over it first.
But if we consider the world from the standpoint of a four-year-old girl, it may make perfect sense. My daughter woke up in the morning and wasn't always sure if she was going to school or not. She wasn't quite sure of which clothes she should wear, and she wasn't always sure whom she would be spending time with each day. She wasn't always able to communicate the way she wanted, so she didn't always feel understood
In other words, she lived with a lot of uncertainty in her life. Having rituals in your family creates certainty for your kids. It's an opportunity for your kids to feel secure and to feel equal in the family. It's a time in which nobody will tell them what to do, and everyone knows their role. It represents certainty for kids who live in a sea of uncertainty.
"Contemporary American families are entropic, meaning they drift toward falling apart," says William Doherty, head of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota. "Rituals combat that entropy and help hold families together. Whenever you do a ritual, you are saying "No" to other activities or people, and becoming what I call an intentional family. Most of us just drift into habits, doing what is most convenient. But ritualizing means to take a hold of activities and ask: does this meet the needs of our family?
If it's something like sitting in front of a TV night after night for dinner, then the answer is "No."
So whether your kids are toddlers or teens, make sure you're holding and creating rituals which have meaning for your family. Family dinners, weekend trips, or family laundry day on Sunday can all have an important impact on your family.
Here are some ideas:
* Create a time each week to do a family chore together and then order pizza
* Plan a "recreation time" for your family at the same time every week, and rotate who chooses the activity
* Create your own special activities on established holidays--on Thanksgiving Day, bring food or clothing packages to families who may need them
* Have a regularly scheduled family meeting in which you talk about problems, negotiate, solutions, plan fun activities, and acknowledge each other. Make it sacred. Turn off the phone and make it happen.
* Make sure that you include your kids in planning the rituals. The more invested they are in creating it, the more meaningful it will be.
There's a tendency for parents today to throw up their hands when "together time" with the family is mentioned. With dance lessons, baseball practice, piano lessons, and homework getting in the way, there may seem to be little time left for the family. Parents in the middle of a chaotic family schedule seem to have lost the choice along the way. And while it's inevitable that family life will be busy these days, parents can never afford to lose the choices available to them. Because the very "soul" of your family is expressed in meaningful rituals that you choose to undertake.
It's difficult to decide against the extra piano lessons that your son or daughter could be taking, or to have your child participate in only one sport instead of two. But by doing so, you'll teach them a lesson that's far more important than the ones they'll learn from these other activities.
You'll teach them that their family comes first. And as their
parent, it's your responsibility to make it happen.
No matter where you go, parents are talking about the same problems with their kids. And the sad truth about these problems is that parents are usually major contributors to them.
Here are three of the problems that keep coming up for parents, who would do well to be reminded that they can solve their own problems if they're willing to do things differently:
Problem #1: My kids don't listen to me. To expect that kids will listen to you perfectly all the time is an irrational thought. Kids don't listen and attend to things in the same way that adults do. They can be intensely focused on the activity they're involved with. Kids will often need you to repeat things a number of times in a patient, pleasant tone. And yes, your job is to be very patient with them.
It is often the "parental" tone of parents' voices that is part of the problem when kids don't listen. After all, who wants to be lectured constantly about their responsibilities? If things still don't work, take action--kids will respond to action much better than they will to words.
Problem #2: My kids aren't respectful--they talk back and argue too much. One of the problems with not having obedient kids anymore is that kids feel more freedom to speak their mind. This can be irritating, but it's far better than obedient kids who do what they're told out of fear.
If your child talks to you in a disrespectful way, you have choices. One choice is to be angry with them and to actually create more of the very behavior that you dislike. Getting angry when your child talks back to you is a great example of creating your own problems. A better choice is to ask them what's bothering them in a compassionate way. Kids will often take out their feelings on someone who they feel safe with--you! Feel free to tell them in a calm and firm manner that it's not OK to talk to you that way.
Arguing is a choice for parents. It still takes two to tango. Most parents who complain about their kids arguing are pretty good at it themselves. You may disagree often with your kids, but arguments can usually be avoided if parents stay disciplined.
Problem #3: My kids aren't achieving as well as they should. Whether its' tying their shoes, getting better grades, or success at sports, parents will always be worried about how well their kids are measuring up. While there certainly are situations that require extra help and support, most of the extreme concern about your child's development is a problem itself. When parents worry about their child's capability, it sends a powerful message to their child. Einstein and Edison, by the way, were very poor students as children!
The responsibility of parents is to believe in their child's ability to succeed and to set high expectations for them. The rest is to be patient and to be aware of your own insecurities. It is these insecurities that may be part of the reason your child isn't doing well.
So while it's easy to point fingers at your kids, remember the old
saying: "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Parents who
attend to their own issues first will find far fewer "rotten apples"
in their tree.
Wait 'Til Your Father Comes Home
But fathers have much more than punishment to offer. And, if you look at the origins of the word “discipline,” you’ll find little connection between discipline and punishment.
The word discipline originates from the Latin word, “discipulus,” which means, “a pupil,” or “one who is learning.” Fathers who use smart discipline tactics are actually engaged in a reciprocal teaching and learning process. No screaming, hitting, or cattle prods are necessary.
Let's say it one more time: Punishment does not work well, but discipline done in a positive way does. Most parents "who've tried everything" have actually tried many different forms of punishment.
Reciprocal learning and teaching--try it, it works.
Ten Ways to get your Kids to Listen to You
Here are ten ways to improve your children’s ability to listen to you:
1. Make sure your relationship is solid. It must always start here. If your kids don’t like you, they’re a lot less likely to listen to you.
2.) Remember that actions speak louder than words. If your kids know that what you say won’t be backed up with action, they’ll more easily tune you out. Having logical consequences for not listening (toys disappear if kids don’t listen and they’re not picked up) has a way of improving your kids attention.
3.) Talk about listening to them. Make it a point to discuss the importance of listening when your kids are receptive. Talk about how nice it feels when someone else listens to you completely, and what a great quality this is.
4.) Have a sense of timing when you talk to your kids. Don’t expect them to listen well when they’re in the middle of something. Kids can be very focused. If it’s important, make sure you have their full attention. Try to talk to them when they’re more relaxed and receptive.
5. Model great listening yourself. Give them your absolute attention when they speak to you, and try to reflect back what you heard. Show them you understand the meaning behind what they said.
6. Each child listens in a unique way, get to know their preferred style. Your child may be a kinesthetic learner who listens and understands by writing something down, or by walking through something. Find the way to reach your child in the way that works best.
7. Avoid Lectures. Many parents have a lecturing style that they’re unaware of. Their kids are very aware of this style however, and tune them out. Speak in a casual and pleasant tone that you would use when talking with a friend.
8. Limit their “Screen Time”. Kids who spend a lot of time with TV and video games tend to be more easily distracted. Limit their screen time early in their life, and you’ll see kids who have the skills to listen well.
9. Talk to your kids in a non-judgmental way. The more they feel judged by you, the more shame they’ll feel and the less they’ll hear. See your kids as great, and they’ll listen as though they are!
10. Be genuinely interested in your children’s lives. Ask
them curious questions about what’s they’re experiencing.
When your kids know that you have a real interest in their life,
they’re more likely to look forward to what you have to say.
Spare the Child, Ditch the Rod
And when my six-year-old son's behavior went beyond annoying a few days ago, I briefly felt inclined to join the majority and "teach him a lesson."
Most parents reach this point with their kids. You feel like you can’t take any more. It usually happens when you're tired, stressed, and overdone.
So what are your choices when you reach this point?
Spanking certainly can take care of things quickly, and can temporarily change your kids behavior. But there are many reasons to question the practice of spanking your kids. Here are five of them:
1. Do you really want your kids to be afraid of you? Kids will sometimes obey more readily when they're afraid of you. Is this what you really want? What happens when your not around? What happens when they're six feet two, and two hundred pounds? Effective parenting is based on love and respect, not fear.
2. Spanking shows your kids that you lack self-control. The huge majority of spanking incidents come when a parent is angry. What is quite clear to your child is this: when my Dad or Mom gets angry, they hit me. And when the same child hits his sister when he gets angry, do you demand that he shows better self-control?
Something’s wrong with this picture. You teach your kids best through your own actions.
3. You may breed resentment and anger in your kids. Kids who are spanked usually don't learn a great deal about "correcting" their misbehavior. They don't usually sit in their rooms and say, "Gosh, I can really see after getting spanked that I was wrong. I'll do better now." They do think about how angry their Dad or Mom is, and they can develop a good deal of resentment for their parents.
4. Spanking shows your kids that "might makes right”. Children aren’t the only ones who make mistakes. We make them every day, right? Can we use our imaginations, and visualize what it would be like for someone four times our size to pick us up, and swat us on the butt? What would we learn from that? Would we feel any injustice? You can bet your kids are feeling some.
5. Spanking isn't effective in the long run. Parents who are asked why they spank will report that they use it to "teach their kids a lesson," or so they won't misbehave again. Many kids who are spanked will go underground with their misbehavior, and become more cunning to avoid being caught. If you're spanking your kids fairly often, doesn't this show that it's not working very well?
Kids who are spanked occasionally aren’t ruined for life. But spanking isn’t necessary to discipline a child. Not when a little self-control and a little creativity is considered.
Parents who don't spank their kids use time outs, re-directing, or distracting with their kids. They can pick their kids up and let them cool down, or simply leave the area themselves, so they don't do something they'd regret later.
While these methods aren't always perfect, they help to form the foundation of a certain kind of household: One in which violence is not "taught" as a means to better behavior.
After all, we live in a world that's filled with violence.
Can't we provide a place for our kids where there isn't any?
"No, not tonight!" she called back.
When I heard this news, there were always mixed feelings. I was relieved that she attended a school which gave very little homework to the students in grades one through six, but I worried at times that she might be falling behind students at other schools. After all, doesn't homework help prepare kids to perform better in their later years, increase their discipline, and help them on test scores that are crucial for college admission?
The research on homework might surprise you.
The research shows limited verification of homework's effectiveness, but does show that it's been on the increase for a number of years. A 2004 national survey of 2,900 American children conducted by the University of Michigan found that time spent on homework is up 51 percent since 1981. A 2000 survey showed that students ages 6 to 8 did an average of 52 minutes a week in 1981, and, by 1997, were up to 128 minutes a week, says Alfie Kohn, author of "The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much of a Bad Thing" (DaCapo Lifelong Books).
But, according to Harris Cooper, professor of psychology and director of the Program in Education at Duke University in Durham, N.C., homework doesn't measurably improve academic achievement for kids in grade school. In fact, he found that "there is almost no correlation between homework and academic achievement in elementary school and only a moderate correlation in middle school. Even in high school, any benefits start to decline after kids reach a maximum of two hours a night."
And not only can excessive homework be ineffective in helping your kids perform better, it can take a toll on the quality of a family's life. Sara Bennett, author of "The Case Against Homework: How Homework Is Hurting Our Children and What We Can Do About It," says homework can "take away from family time, puts parents in an adversarial role with kids and interferes with the child's ability to play or have other after-school activities." For middle school and teens, it limits crucial time with their peers. Students of all ages are getting too little sleep, which then impacts their learning in school."
And while homework can create one more piece of the stress pie most American families are feeling these days, it can also have benefits. It especially benefits kids when it teaches new concepts and adds to what kids have learned during the day, increasing their ability to think independently. But too often, homework involves tedious busy work that consumes great amounts of time and won't be remembered a month later. So if your child or family is being unduly stressed by the "homework demon," here are some options:
* Talk to your child's teacher directly, and tell them what you're experiencing. Most parents do not communicate these concerns, so teachers don't see it as a big problem.
* Get together with other parents and talk to administrators about the amount of homework given out. You'd be surprised at what you can accomplish.
* Don't do much of your child's homework for them. A dependent child will not do well when they go out into the world. Provide a quiet and well-lit space for them, and let them be. Help them when it's needed.
* Give your child options when they get stuck with homework: They can call friends for help, get online, get a tutor, find extra help at school, etc. As long as they know there are options, they can stay in action and find solutions.
In 2006, our kids are being robbed of one of the most important things that exist in their life--stress-free time with their families. First and second graders with homework stress isn't just a bad idea, it's ineffective. So is five hours of sleep a night for high school age kids. Excessive homework doesn't just rob our kids of precious time, it extinguishes a love of learning.
I think it's time for parents to sound the school alarm.
Ten Ways to Have More Responsible Children
1. Start them with tasks when they’re young. Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age 2. They can do a lot more than you think, if you’re patient and creative. This helps build confidence and enthusiasm for later tasks in their life.
2. Don’t use rewards with your kids. If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the value of the tasks they do on a personal level. They won’t learn it if they’re focused on what they’re going to “get.”
3. Use natural consequences when they make mistakes. If they keep misplacing their baseball glove somewhere, let them deal with the consequences. Perhaps they’ll have to ask to borrow one for the game. Maybe they’ll have to buy a new one if it’s lost. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they’ll never learn responsibility.
4. Let them know when you see them being responsible. Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.
5. Talk often about responsibility with your kids. Make responsibility a family value, and let them know it’s important.
6. Model responsible behavior for your kids. This is where they’ll learn it from. Take care of your stuff. Try to be on time. Your kids are watching you very closely.
7. Give them an allowance early in their life. Let them make their own money decisions from an early age. They’ll learn their lessons in a hurry. Don’t bail them out if they run out of money.
8. Have a strong, unfailing belief that your kids are responsible. They’ll pick up on this belief, and they’ll tend to rise to the level of expectation. And keep believing this, even when they mess up!
9. Train them to be responsible. Use role play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It’s hard for kids to be responsible when they don’t know what it looks like.
10. Get some help and support for your parenting. It’s hard
to know sometimes whether you’re being too controlling or too
permissive as a parent. Talk to other parents, read books, join
parent support groups, and whatever else will help you feel like
you’re not alone.
Ten Ways to Get Your Kids to Talk to You
1. Don't try so hard to get them to talk The harder you try to get them to talk, the more they'll resist you. When you relax the pressure a bit, they’ll sense it, and be more ready to talk.
2. Slow down your own life and be available. Kids have a keen sense of how busy you are. If you're providing enough down time for you and your kids, they'll be more likely to feel comfortable talking to you.
3. Engage in a physical activity that they enjoy. Some kids are more comfortable when they’re moving. Shooting baskets, playing soccer, or a game of catch may have your child chattering away. Moving the body can serve to move the mouth as well!
4. Be as non-judgmental as possible. If your kids feel they won't be judged when they talk to you, they'll have no reason to hold back. Have a sense of curiosity and wonder about what they’re saying, and limit the lectures about what’s right or wrong.
5. Use open-ended questions. Questions that begin with "why" tend to create defensiveness, and yes or no questions won't get much of a response. Learn to use questions that stimulate conversation. “What did you notice about that picture?” works better than, “Did you like that picture?”
6. Use the car as a place for conversation. You've got them and they can't get out! Don't allow video games or music to interfere with your opportunity to talk with them.
7. Reflect back what you hear from them. It's still the best way for your kids to feel heard, and the best way to encourage them to expand on the subject.
8. Talk to them while they're coloring, painting, or drawing. Using these activities to allow your kids to express themselves can help them communicate to you as well. And joining in on the activity yourself can produce an even greater sense of connection and sharing.
9. Provide opportunities for fun and excitement. When your kids are doing something they love to do, they'll want to share it with you. Provide these for your kids, and listen to them talk about it afterward!
10. Be a parent, but be a friend as well. While you must be a
parent first, being a friend to your kids will help them to want to
share with you. Don't overdo the strict parental stuff.
Why Should I Play with My Kids?
It was just as I had hoped. I gave a wild, primitive yell as I sprang out at him. He hit the ground quickly, trying to avoid my grasp. I reached down and tagged him easily, and the burden of being “it” was transferred once again.
As I searched a new hiding place in front of the house, my wife called from the front door. “Mark, it’s eight o’clock, the kids have to come in!”
I was a bit dumbfounded. We’d been playing tag for two hours.
In that two hours, I’d been unaware of time. There were no worries about projects at work, what time the kids needed to go to bed, or whether we had enough money to last the month. My focus had been on playing tag, and nothing else. And when your focus is complete, you’ve entered a state that has no limitations. Your joy and passion can come alive, and your children’s can, too.
Being in a complete state of play is one of the gifts our children give us. It is one of the ways we can allow our kids to transform us. We are transformed when we find the innate playfulness that’s within all of us, and we put our “adult worries” aside. We are transformed when we apply this creative energy to our relationship with our children. And when we enter this state of playfulness with our children, we’ve entered their world in a way they’ll remember the rest of their lives.
For many years, athletes have trained to find the optimal performance state called “the zone.” When athletes are in the zone, they perform at their highest levels, and feel a sense of joy and positive energy.
This same performance state can be found before your interactions with your children. And when it is, your relationship will reach a higher level. Here are some guidelines to reach a higher level of play with your kids:
Drop all work thoughts before you see your kids. Exercise, meditate, or use some other technique to allow your full presence after work.
Let your kids call the shots during your play. If you have a need to control things, swallow your urges and be ready to listen and learn. They’ll let you know what they want.
Do a “body scan” before spending time with your kids. Just like athletes, parents need to determine if they’re ready for optimal performance. Are you ready to play, or are you feeling angry and agitated? Determine this first, and take steps to ready yourself for play.
Make sure your kids have time for play. Take a close look at their schedules—pay attention to their activities after school, sports, or TV and video time. Do you need to say “no” to some of these? Have the courage to take strong action.
Put structures in place to ensure your work and home life are separate. Take your work phone off the hook, and avoid sneaking down to the computer when your kids are present. Enlist your spouse to help determine if you’re fully present with your kids.
Research has shown that kids laugh about one hundred times a day, and adults laugh about six times. Our kids are showing us something here.
Isn’t it time we started learning how to be playful
again?
If You Love Someone, Set Them Free
We watched as he got up from his seat in our pew, shuffled past us, and joined the other young boys and girls walking to the children's service, a religious education class for grade-schoolers. His face showed a mix of fear and excitement, and he stayed close to his sister as he moved down the aisle. As a first-grader, he was now eligible to go, but this was the first time he’d decided to join the others.
My wife and I sat in the pew together, alone there for the first time. Initially, I felt surprised. I had assumed he would stay with us until he “officially” started the first grade at school. Then I began to feel sadness, a longing for something I couldn’t quite describe.
I glanced at my wife. A tear rolled down her cheek. She was feeling the same thing. I slid over, and we held hands. Our last child was entering the first grade, and we felt part of him slipping away. He’d be in school for a full day now. He’d be more independent, and need us less often. And, he’d never again be the toddler he once was.
In our “stay positive” culture, many parents only see these times as a reason to celebrate. They see it as inevitable change, and ready themselves for the next challenge, and the next change.
But I couldn’t help feeling this. I didn’t want to bury my feelings of sadness. Those who shield themselves from these moments lose a great opportunity, for after this sadness is the possibility of growth. It is the kind of growth that results from pain, and makes us all more a part of the human family.
Half an hour later, my son returned to us, his eyes twinkling. He was excited to tell us about his new experience. We listened to him, and his smiling face helped to ease the sadness. In fact, it was impossible not to feel happy for him.
We sat there with him, knowing that morning he’d become a bit more confident, trusting, and independent.
And, he moved just a bit further away from his parents.
Loving your kids is not always easy. There are painful times when we see them moving away from us.
But we must not avoid or run from these feelings, for they allow us to experience the fullness of the moment, be they joy or sorrow. They allow us the chance to increase our capacity for joy, while experiencing great sadness.
As we left church, the sun shone brightly as we turned our thoughts to the coming day. My son happily talked about his day at the children's service, and what he wanted to do when he got home.
He was well on his way.
And I hope his parents were, too.
Ten Ways to Have Responsible Children
1. Start them with tasks when they’re young. Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age two. They can do a lot more than you think, if you’re patient and creative. This helps build confidence and enthusiasm for later tasks in their life.
2. Don’t use rewards with your kids. If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the “big picture” value of the things they do. They won’t learn that if they’re focused on what they’re going to “get.”
3. Use natural consequences when they make mistakes. If they keep losing their baseball glove somewhere, let them deal with the consequences. Maybe they have to ask to borrow one for the game. Or, perhaps they have to buy a new one if it’s lost. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they’ll never learn responsibility.
4. Let them know when you see them being responsible. Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.
5. Talk often about responsibility with your kids. Make responsibility a family value, let them know it’s important.
6. Model responsible behavior for your kids. This is where they’ll learn it from. Take care of your stuff. Try to be on time, and clean up after you make a mistake. They’re watching you very closely.
7. Give them an allowance early in their life. Let them make their own money decisions from an early age. They’ll learn their lessons in a hurry. Don’t bail them out if they run out of money. 8. Have a strong, unfailing belief that your kids are responsible. They’ll pick up on this belief, and they’ll tend to rise to the level of expectation. And keep believing this, even when they mess up!
9. Train them to be responsible. Use role play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It’s hard for kids to be responsible when they don’t know what it looks like.
10. Get some help and support for your parenting. It’s hard
to know sometimes whether you’re being too controlling or too
permissive as a parent. Talk to other parents, read books, join
parent support groups, whatever helps you feel like you’re not
alone.
I had spent time at a neighbor’s house, and I was returning home. As soon as I opened the door, I could sense something.
My brothers and sister were talking in excited tones, and everyone had a “wind-blown” look.
“Dad bought a new convertible, and we got a ride!” they screamed.
I stood there for a moment, the thoughts swirling in my head. It was a lot to digest.
Suddenly, I ran up to my room and slammed the door. I cried and wailed, wondering why they hadn’t waited for me. Being the only one who hadn’t gotten a ride was enormously painful. My family felt cruel and heartless.
“Do you want a ride in the new car?” I heard my Dad say.
“No,” I yelled.
Even as a five-year-old, I was compelled to feel justified as a victim.
“Are you sure?” he asked again.
“All right,” I said.
My Dad took me out for my own private tour in the new car.
As the wind whistled through my hair, I alternated between laughing and crying. And when we returned home, I felt again like a full member of my family.
This was one of the earliest memories of my father, and one of the fondest. My father considered my needs, and acted on them. When you’ve got four siblings, the quest to be recognized is never-ending. And at that moment, I felt recognized.
I’m not sure how my father remembers the same incident, or even if he does remember. But I know it was important to me.
And I know how important it is to keep precious memories of your children.
Most fathers today take a lot of pictures and videos of their kids. In fact, the average kid is in more pictures than the average super-model. However, many of the memorable experiences with your kids aren’t ones that can be captured by a camera. Videos and pictures can’t capture what you’re thinking and feeling when these experiences occur.
Only you can.
Starting a fathering diary does many things. It helps you remember the amazing things your kids have done and said. It helps you to reflect on your own feelings, as you ride the waves of fatherhood. And it provides you with a treasure of memories, which you can share one day with your children.
Here are some ideas on keeping a written record of fatherhood:
• You don’t need to be a writer! Just get to your computer twice a week for five minutes, and plunk down your feelings and memories.
• If you’re married, use your spouse to help with memories. They can fill you in on many of the precious things that were done and said each day.
• If you’re struggling with something to write about, have an experience with your kids! You can only remember the meaning in your experiences if you’re fully engaged with them. Leave the thoughts of work at work!
• Review what you’ve written every six months or so. This is a great way to see where you’ve been, and to help you know where you’re going.
Keeping a journal of your fathering experiences may seem like, “one more thing” in your life. But we all know how quickly your children grow up. One day you’re tying their shoes, and the next, they’re asking for the car.
There’s a way to keep the precious memories of your children’s life, and it goes deeper than any picture or video can. It’s simply a matter of expressing what’s inside of you.
And when you go there, you may find a lot more feeling than
you’d ever imagined.
The reaction? It's often to try to get them to be "more positive".
The problem with this approach is that it doesn't work. Just because you're positive doesn't mean that your family will always be so.
The answer is to continue to be positive to your heart's content, but to acknowledge when someone else is having trouble. "Say more about that," or "that sounds really hard," can be excellent responses to a family member who is complaining or struggling.
Afraid you'll get more complaining if you say these things?
You'll actually get less.
Angry Fathers, Heart Attacks, and Kids
My kids were dawdling, even though I'd asked them to get ready on two occasions. "Come on!" I yelled. "How many times do I have to say this?" As they picked up their pace and came down the stairs, my kids both gave me a "look."
"Geez Dad, you don't have to yell," my son told me.
My dark side had a number of responses to this comment. All of them defended my yelling and placed the blame squarely on my kids. And they were all wrong. I badly wanted to avoid taking responsibility for this outburst. After all, I was the one who would take the "heat" for being late. I was the one trying to move things along. And they were the ones who weren't listening, right?
Angry outbursts from fathers are one of the main reasons kids don't feel like confiding in them. And besides being frightening and damaging relationships with your kids, angry outbursts have been shown to shorten your life. In fact, a study at Johns Hopkins University in 2002 showed just how damaging anger could be for men. This study, which followed a group of young men for an average of 36 years, showed that men who quickly react to stress with anger have three times the normal risk of developing premature heart disease. Also, these men were five times more likely than men who were calmer to have an early heart attack, even if they didn't have a family history of heart disease!
Another recent study asked a group of teens and young adult women to anonymously identify why they wouldn't confide in their fathers. The reasons:
Fathers aren't the only ones guilty of angry outbursts, but they have more than their fair share. In the case of many fathers, impatience and anger surface when they're faced with situations that feel "out of control." This simply isn't a comfortable place for most men to be. When they're at work, they feel the familiarity of an atmosphere with a "bottom line mentality." At home, this mentality fails miserably, because it doesn't address the question that's really important for families: "What does my family need?"
Fathers with a bottom line mentality and a need for control often find themselves struggling with their patience and anger. And if they want to avoid angry outbursts that will distance them from their kids and shorten their lives, they should consider the following steps:
When I yelled at my kids, I hadn't taken any of these steps. But I was still able to muster up some blame for them. Part of me was still convinced that they "caused" my anger.
As we drove off in the car, things became clearer. My apology helped me feel better, and my kids were quick to forgive. And although I had felt justified in my anger, I decided to give it up. I guess I'd like my kids to feel like they can trust me and confide in me.
And I guess I'd like that even more than being "right."
This will teach a lesson that's more effective than a thousand
words.
But family life in this country isn't getting any easier. So how about you? Do you have an argument with your wife that seems to keep coming up? Do you know when it's coming, but you just can't seem to help yourself? These arguments are the result of issues that touch sensitive areas of our lives, and tell us messages we don't like to hear. These messages can be things like, "She doesn't care about me," or "She's always trying to control me."
In order to avoid many of these arguments, a first step is to avoid what so many men do when they're arguing frequently with their wives: They focus on the content of the argument, and not the process of the argument. After you've had the same argument 100 times, the content doesn't have much meaning anymore, does it? Talk about the definition of insanity!
Think about the process of the argument, and make sure that you follow three rules whenever you argue:
1. Avoid criticism and blame, and turn your criticism into asking for what you'd like from her. There's no need to criticize your wife, but there's no need to hold everything in, either. If you'd like her to do something differently, make a request of her. It allows you to focus on the present and future, and to forget the past. You can do this in a calm and measured way, without resorting to anything that will result in blaming you back.
2. Listen to your wife. When couples are arguing, it's very easy to interrupt and give your own two cents. Allow your wife to finish what she's saying each time she speaks. That way, the level of frustration won't escalate more than it needs to. If necessary, do a back-to-back exercise: Get back to back, and each person gets to talk until they're finished without interruption. The other person then reflects back what they heard. If the speaker doesn't feel that was what they meant, the process is started over. Take turns until the issue is settled or each of you feels heard.
3. Find what you have in agreement with each other. You may not be able to agree totally with your wife, but you probably have some beliefs in common, and you probably still have a "big picture" view that has some things in common. Try your best to focus on what's positive in your discussion, and avoid spending all your time on "my agenda which isn't being met."
There is only one way to change your wife--change yourself first!! Getting your needs met may feel good to some folks, but it's a poor way to be successful in a marriage. It's far better to look after the needs of your wife, and to reap the benefits down the road.
After all, your kids are watching.
How can you help your kids to control their anger better?
How can you help your kids to control their anger better?
One way is to teach them to notice the warning signs of anger coming on. Clenched fists, quicker heart and breathing rate, and racing thoughts can all be signs. You can then teach them some calming skills to use when they feel the warning signs: Deep breathing, counting to 10, leaving the area, etc. This teaching is most effective when your kids are in a calm and happy state, and not in the middle of a tantrum.
It also works better if you've shown them that you use these
skills yourself!
This method is available to all of us. All it takes is a little teaching, and a little patience. Then, you get to sit back and wait for the investment to pay off.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota studied a group of young men and women from the time they were young children. The results of the study were startling. The study showed that young adults, who had participated in household chores when they were age 3 and 4, were more successful as adults than those who didn't.
Specifically, these young adults were more likely to complete their education, get a good start on a career, develop adult relationships, and avoid the use of drugs. The early participation in household chores was deemed more important in their success than any other factor, including IQ! On the other hand, if children did not begin participating in household chores until they were teenagers, the experience seemed to backfire, and had a negative effect on their success as young adults, using those same measures.
So what does all of this mean for parents?
Kids have a strong desire for a sense of belonging and community in their family. They want to be a productive member of the family, and to contribute in some meaningful way. Starting young kids out with simple chores gives them a sense of belonging. Not only does it help them contribute, it provides them with a huge boost in self-confidence. It says loudly, "Dad believes I'm capable of doing this!"
This message is powerful fuel for your child's confidence. It strengthens their esteem while bolstering their desire to help with future chores. You can start out with small chores when they're younger, like setting the table, or emptying the wastebasket. As they get older, increase the number of chores, as well as the level of difficulty. As a general rule, kids can do much more than you think. All they need is a chance. I was amazed to see that my daughter could make scrambled eggs at age three!
Fathers often want to do things by themselves. Letting the kids help will often result in a bigger mess, and more time to clean up. But this is an investment in a future work force around your house, and family time together. Taking a bit longer with the job, and having a little more clean-up time, is a small price to pay for an increase in your child's self esteem.
And when you get complaints from your kids about the chores, you can simply say, "This is what we do in our house." Chores around the house should be expected from your kids. These aren't paid jobs, and they're done in a timely manner. That's just the way it is. And it's always helpful to define the chores clearly. Posting them on the refrigerator can be an effective way to keep them on everyone's mind. It's also a good idea to rotate the chores every month or so. This way, people don't get stuck for long periods with chores they dislike.
You can help the "buy in" of chores in your household by your own attitude towards household chores. Parents who show their kids that chores are hard and/or boring won't have willing helpers in the future. Chores can bring with them an opportunity to have fun together, and to spend valuable time with each other. When you show your kids how fun chores can be, they'll see them as a chance to spend time together, not as drudgery that nobody else wants to do.
Starting your kids with chores when they're young is one of the best things you can do for your family. If you didn't start early on, you have some "selling" to do. But providing a sense of community and belonging in your family should always be a strong priority. It almost seems too good to be true. Increase your kids' self-esteem, and get more things done around the house at the same time!
You may find that a few slow, messy projects aren't so bad. A little extra clean up time never hurts too much.
Especially when measured against your children's future.
Fathers vs. Mothers Parenting Style
My daughter wasn’t overly thrilled with my “words of encouragement,” and neither was my wife. They joined forces against my verbal assault, giving me instructions on how to be more encouraging.
I thought I was just doing my job.
Fathers and mothers parent differently. It is a reflection of the differences between men and women. It is also the source of a great deal of conflict between parents. Fathers take an approach with their kids that’s more “blunt,” and that reflects their concerns with preparing them for the real world. Mothers take an approach that reflects their concern with their kids’ feelings, and how they’re doing in the world of relationships with others.
It has been said that “Mothers see the world in relation to their kids, and fathers see their kids in relation to the world.” Fathers are the parents who want their kids to be ready for a world that isn’t always kind or fair. Fathers are the ones who will push their kids to achieve more. They are the ones who say, “If you don’t work harder, you’ll never make the team.” This desire to push your child can be harmful if done to excess, or with too much intensity. But it can also be the springboard for your kids to soar higher than they could have on their own.
My kids experience my style of fathering in other ways. I often come into a room and wrestle with my kids for a short time, only to disappear a few minutes after my “conquest.” It drives my wife crazy. To me, it’s the most natural thing in the world. And, all kids benefit when they’re exposed to both the sustained, consistent energy of mothers and the explosive bursts of fathers. When kids are exposed to both styles, they experience the richness of both of these energies, which helps them develop their own style.
It is clear that a fathers’ style of parenting is invaluable. These statistics from the US Census Bureau, the U.S. Department of Justice, the Center for Disease Control, and the National Principals Association show just how valuable fathers are:
Children from a fatherless home are:
• 5 times more likely to commit suicide
• 32 times more likely to run away
• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 14 times more likely to commit rape
• 9 times more likely to drop out of school
• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
• 9 times more likely to end up in a state operated
institution
• 20 times more likely to end up in prison
Children need their fathers. They need them to provide their own unique style of parenting, one that has its own unique value. They need their fathers to wrestle with, to push them, and to be unafraid to challenge their kids to be their best.
As my wife and daughter finished telling me how I could be more encouraging, I replied that I’d like her to be ready for math the coming school year, and that I knew she could do it. They both got that, “he doesn’t get it” look in their eyes, and simultaneously shook their heads.
Actually, I think I “get it” just fine.
Forgiving your Father for Fathers Day
It’s a shadow filled with a complex array of gratitude, sadness, disappointment, and awe. It is the same for all men, for there’s no escaping these memories. They are deeply imbedded in us, and they impact us every day of our lives.
And whether you’re trying to live up to your father’s expectations, prove him wrong, or rid your memory of him, the shadow of your father will remain. Each effort demands its’ own cost. And each effort will keep the shadow close to you.
When you have children, the memories of your father grow stronger. The wounds that haven’t healed are poised to be inflicted on them. We all carry wounds from our father. We all feel the pain of not “measuring up” in some way. But whatever your wounds, it’s important to remember this: What is not healed in you will show up in your children. It will show up no matter how hard you fight against it, and no matter how hard you try “not to be your father.” It will show up, and transcend all your efforts to prevent it.
What’s left to us is a simple choice. Would we like to live with these wounds, and transfer them to our sons and daughters, or would we like to explore them, and find a way to heal them? To be an effective father is to understand the power of the memories you make with your child each day. These memories can be touched by the wounds from your childhood, or they can be touched by forgiveness and love. And while the path to forgiveness can be difficult, it’s worth every ounce of effort you give it. And most importantly, it is a gift to your children, and the generations that follow them.
The first step towards following this path is to identify the wounds that stay with you. In his book, “The Wisdom of the Journey,” Don Jones said, “Until a man learns what went wrong in his father relationship and finds healing for it, he never arrives at mature manhood.” To learn what went wrong in your father relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself some questions. And since our issues with our fathers are so often associated with anger towards our kids, this is a good place to start. There are three key questions you can ask yourself:
• What makes me the most angry and frustrated when I’m with my kids? What’s the pattern I see most often? Is it when they don’t listen, or when I feel powerless? If I’m not sure, what does my spouse think?
• How are these patterns connected to my relationship with my father? When did my father get angry with me? What do I resent about my father’s relationship with me? When my kids behave in a certain way, what are the “reminders” this gives me about my childhood?
• What are the irrational thoughts I’ve created as a result of the wounds with my father? Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” “I should be in control of every situation,” or “My kids should always listen” can dominate your relationship with your kids.
Understanding these thoughts won’t make them go away, but it will make it easier to anticipate and change your behavior.
Forgiveness can be a powerful and transforming experience. It is a way of giving up hope that the past can be changed. When you forgive your father, you accept the past as it was, and ready yourself to move forward. No matter how abusive or absent your father was, you accept what happened, and stop blaming your father for your current problems.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event. It happens emotionally when we feel the pain and sadness from letting go of a better past, and what we might have had. It happens when we stop blaming our fathers, and stop using anger to shield us from our sadness.
Forgiveness happens in our thoughts when we see our fathers for who they were, and not for whom we wanted them to be. It happens when we end the illusion of the selfless father, who looks after our needs first and foremost.
Forgiveness is complete when we allow it to unfold. It is a process, and it may take years. But as each layer of anger peels away, your opportunities expand. The energy that was devoted to anger and regret can now be devoted to things that matter: passion, truth, and love.
Fathers Day is coming, and there is no better time to consider forgiveness. It will allow you to feel more accepted by your father, and to more easily accept your children. And among the responsibilities that fathers have today, none is greater than accepting their children.
If you can forgive your own father and accept your children, you’ve supplied many of the tools your children will need to thrive in a complex and challenging world.
The rest is going to be up to them.
My computer was frozen, I was tired from a weekend with too little sleep, and I was working in a yard that would soon need a scythe to cut it. End-of-the-year school activities were crowding an already crowded schedule, and there seemed like no time to relax.
When do other people find the time to do all these things?
As I entered my house, I marveled at how sore a human body could get from yard work. I was still annoyed that my kids had left stuff in the backyard after repeated requests to pick them up. And, I'd been noticing that the rest of my family had done their share of relaxing while I toiled in the yard. I needed Fathers Day to come in a hurry.
I was not ready for any more to be put on my plate.
"Honey, will you make dinner?" my wife called from the family room.
A very angry voice appeared in my head, saying things to me which weren't supportive of maintaining a kind, loving family. I considered a few suggestions from this voice, before discussing the dinner plans with my wife. It became clear from this discussion that my wife had her own issues going on.
I swallowed hard, and went into the kitchen to start dinner. The angry voices went with me. "That's some gratitude for you!" I said to myself. "Does anyone notice how hard I'm working? I'm absolutely invisible!"
Where was the adoration for a job well done in the yard? Where was the back massage and cold drink that I was so deserving of? (The fantasies of a victim have no boundaries!).
In the drama that played out in my head, I was a hard-working father who did all the right things, and a victim of an unappreciative family. I felt completely justified in blaming my family for not acknowledging me more. And of course, by blaming them I would spread the virus of blame around my family faster than a brush fire. I would feel "right," and I could feel justified in seeing them as "wrong," and as "blameworthy."
Fortunately for me, there was no back massage and no cold drink. There was not even any acknowledgement for a job well done. There was only the realization that I had failed to remember my purpose in my family and on this earth. I had failed to remember that I am not "owed" love by my family. Our job as parents is to discover love as the fundamental fact of life. It is to bring this expression of our love into the world.
Parents across the world have reason to be grateful, for we've all embarked on the world's most complete and intensive course on love. While we may resist it at times, we're called every day to express the deep reservoir of love within us. But sometimes, because we're busy blaming others, we miss the call completely.
Fathers go through periods when they feel "outside" of their family. They feel neglected, or they feel invisible. Or, they feel as though they're simply a "paycheck." But what's really happened is they've forgotten they're not on this planet to "get" love from their family members.
They're here to discover the boundless love that's always been in them.
After catching myself in my "victim's dungeon," I began to climb my way out.
"Hey, have I got a great dinner cooked up for all of you," I said.
And although the response wasn't overwhelming, I didn't even
flinch.
It was her tenth birthday, and she was on center stage. Gift after gift was being opened. And after each gift was opened, my daughter did a remarkable thing: She looked at each of the givers in the eye and thanked them. And as I watched this from behind my camera, a tear came to my eye.
It was not just this show of appreciation that moved me, for there were other things happening here. There was the imminent loss of childhood, and the kindness of the relatives who sat close by. There were memories of past birthdays, and the joy and innocence they brought. And there was the suspicion that this would be the last birthday of its kind, before modern culture, peers, and hormones took their place in my daughters’ life.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how remarkable it was to see this display of appreciation, and to feel the joy that came with it. And as I saw it, I was reminded of all the times over the years when my wife and I had insisted on “please and thank you.” I was reminded how many times we’d told her how important it was to show appreciation for the things people do for us. And while it hasn’t always been easy to be the “nag,” all of our efforts became worth it as we watched this unfold.
For those parents who’d like to help create what is becoming too rare these days—a well-mannered child--here are some guidelines:
• Teach your kids, don’t criticize them. If they burp at the dinner table, it’s not effective to yell, “Don’t be rude!” Instead, be calm and specific about what you want them to do. Tell them, “It’s not polite to burp at the table, but if it happens, you may say “excuse me.”
• Start them at an early age. Things like saying “please” and “thank you,” or making thank you cards to grandma can be started at a very early age.
• Teach them in private if possible. Kids are easily shamed if corrected in front of others, just as we are. If at all possible, take them aside and talk to them in private. This gives them a chance to learn it, and not to feel ashamed.
• Anticipate mistakes from your child. You didn’t really think your kids were going to learn manners on their own, did you? They’ll make a ton of mistakes, and they’ll need to be corrected many times. Don’t let high expectations for your kids create impatience in you. They’ll learn it when they’re ready.
• Prepare them for using manners in advance. When manners will be expected, as when going to a friend’s house, or to a restaurant, remind your kids of what’s expected of them. This friendly reminder will help them remember manners when they get excited, and are liable to forget.
• Expect good manners from your child on a consistent basis. Once they’ve been taught, expect your kids to exhibit appropriate manners. Giving a lot of gentle reminders will sho your kids that this isn’t going away. Eventually, they’ll be consistent on their own.
• Be ready for mealtime. Family dinners are prime time for teaching manners. They can also be frustrating. Prepare yourself to be patient, and expect mistakes to happen. Creating a “formal” atmosphere, with low lighting and candles, is a way to make manners at dinner more fun.
The Public Agenda Research Group (2004) reports that in this country, 8 out of 10 respondents say that lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem. From all the research they've gathered, it appears that Americans are more stressed out and ill-mannered than ever before! Manners seem to have gone out of style. But parents shouldn’t make the mistake of letting their kids think they’re out of style. It’s YOUR job to bring them back!
Later that evening, my daughter was still excited from all of the festivities. “I’m going to remember my tenth birthday party forever!” she announced
She isn’t the only one.
Parents, Egos, and Organized Sports
The boy picked up another baseball and threw it, this time with better results. "There, that's better," the father conceded.
Spring youth baseball had started, and all over the country, fathers with great enthusiasm and intensity were leading seven and eight-year-olds into the world of competition. And all around the field were nervous parents, hoping their child would stand up to the scrutiny of other parent and peers.
I was one of those parents, watching the little boy with my name on the back of his jersey. Watching as he "represented" our family. And watching as he began to enter the world of "big boys," where ability and toughness were the two qualities that mattered.
It is incredible to experience the hope and fear that occurs when your child steps up to the plate. While we say we're satisfied with whatever happens when our child performs, we easily bend the truth. We like to see our kids excel. And when they don't, it reflects on us. But we must be careful in our reactions to our child's performance, because they intuitively know how we feel about them. And in a country in which 70% of all kids quit their sport by age 13, and never play it again (National Alliance for Youth Sports), we must take great precaution when leading them into the world of organized sports. Here are some guidelines for parents:
My son whacked the first pitch for a hit, and scored his team's first run. And as I caught his eye after crossing the plate, a big smile covered his face.
Thankfully, he wasn't in need of any of that "toughness" yet. After all, he only gets to be a little boy once.
I think we're going to stretch it out as long as we can.
Fathers, Anger, and Breaking Barriers
I had just avoided a fish hook, swinging perilously close to my eye. At the end of the fishing pole was my six year old son, who now bowed his head. As soon as I said the words, I wanted them back. But I knew the damage was done. In fact, he not only felt shame from my comments, he did what many young boys start to do when they hear these kinds of comments from parents.
He pretended it didn’t hurt.
He popped his head up quickly, with a grim look that was determined to “tough it out.”
“I’m sorry I said that, buddy, I’m just getting impatient.”
“Can you put the worm on my hook, Dad?” he asked.
He didn’t feel much like “processing” our encounter. He just wanted to move things along. And in this encounter, like many other encounters between fathers and sons, the only emotion that surfaced was anger. The sadness, the fear, and the shame were shoved down.
Sadly, this is often the way it works with boys and men.
Historically, the role models provided for boys have been utterly dysfunctional. They’ve been men and fathers who don’t dare to show sadness or fear, for these emotions disqualify them from “manhood.” Boys are taught from an early age to bottle all their emotions inside them, save the one emotion it’s acceptable for men to express: anger.
Author Robert Burney tells the story of attending his grandmothers’ funeral at age 11. He cried so hard, he had to be taken out of the funeral home. Burney wasn't crying because his grandmother had died, but because he’d seen his uncle cry. It was the first time in his life he’d seen a man cry, and it opened the floodgates of all the repressed pain he was carrying. After that day, he went right back to repressing his feelings, because he’d still never seen his father cry, and his father was his role model.
There’s a new generation of fathers out there, with an opportunity to put an end to the “tough guy” culture that still exists for men and boys. This opportunity demands that we show the courage and resolve necessary to break the cultural stereotypes that are still dominant today.
Here are five ways to help your son to be more emotionally intelligent:
1. Show physical affection to your son. Hug him, as well as other men that you care for. Show him that men can show love for each other. Research shows that boys who receive physical affection from their fathers are happier, healthier, smarter, etc. If you’re squirming, you’re a good candidate for this one!
2. Have enough involvement in your son’s life to know who else might be reinforcing the “old school” style. This could include teachers, coaches, other family members, etc. If necessary, intervene and set new guidelines.
3. Reinforce your son’s knowledge of emotions. Help him identify what he’s feeling. When you say, “You seem really sad right now,” you help him to identify the feeling, and to “own it.”
4. Judge people less and empathize more. Instead of saying, “What a jerk he is!” you can say, “He seems to be really angry right now.” Being kind and loving yourself will create a clear path for your son.
5. Keep examining how you raise your son. Do you push him away emotionally, or shame him when he’s showing signs of “weakness?” Continually monitor your responses to his behavior, and if possible, have a third party that watches your interactions as well.
The prevailing cultural ideas about manhood have done a great deal of harm to the development of strong, sensitive, and nurturing men. The responsibility of fathers today is to be aware of these cultural myths, and to show their sons a new path.
For the sake of future generations, this is an idea whose time has
come.
Top Ten Ways to Raise Emotionally Intelligent
Kids
1. Model emotional intelligence yourself: Yes, your kids are watching very closely. They see how you respond to frustration, they see how resilient you are, and they see whether you’re aware of your own feelings, and the feelings of others.
2. Be willing to say “no” to your kids: There’s a lot of stuff out there for kids. And your kids will ask for a lot of it. Saying no will give your kids an opportunity to deal with disappointment, and to learn impulse control. To a certain degree, your job as a parent is to allow your kids to be frustrated and to work through it. Kids who always get what they want typically aren’t very happy.
3. Be aware of your parental “hotspots”: Know what your issues are—what makes you come unglued, and what’s this really about? Is it not being in control? Not being respected? Underneath these issues lies a fear about something. Get to know what your fear is, so you’re less likely to come unglued when you’re with your kids. Knowing your issues doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them easier to plan for and to deal with.
4. Practice and hone your skills at being non-judgmental: Start labeling feelings and avoid name-calling. Say, “he seems angry,” rather than, “what a jerk.” When your kids are whiny or crying, saying things like, “you seem sad,” will always be better than just asking them to stop. Depriving kids of the feelings they’re experiencing will only drive them underground and make them stronger.
5. Start coaching your kids: When kids are beyond the toddler years, you can start coaching them to help them to be more responsible. Instead of, “get your hat and gloves,” you can ask, “what do you need to be ready for school?” Constantly telling your kids what to do does not help them to develop confidence and responsibility.
6. Always be willing to be part of the problem: See yourself as having something to do with every problem that comes along. Most problems in families get bigger when parents respond to them in a way that exacerbates the problem. If your child makes a mistake, remember how crucial it is for you to have a calm, reasoned response.
7. Get your kids involved in household duties at an early age: Research suggests that kids who are involved in household chores from an early age tend to be happier and more successful. Why? From an early age, they’re made to feel they are an important part of the family. Kids want to belong and to feel like they’re valuable.
8. Limit your kids access to mass media mania: Young kids need to play, not spend time in front of a screen. To develop creativity and problem-solving skills, allow your kids time to use free play. Much of the mass media market can teach your kids about consumerism, sarcasm, and violence. What your kids learn from you and from free play will provide the seeds for future emotional intelligence.
9. Talk about feelings as a family: State your emotional goals as a family. These might be no yelling, no name-calling, be respectful at all times, etc. Families that talk about their goals are more likely to be aware of them and to achieve them. As the parent, you then have to “walk the talk.”
10. See your kids as wonderful. There is no greater way to create emotional intelligence in your child than to see them as wonderful and capable. A law of the universe is, “what you think about expands.” If you see your child and think about them as wonderful, you’ll get a lot of “wonderful.” If you think about your child as a problem, you’ll get a lot of problems.
Having a high IQ is nice, but having a high “EQ” is even
better. Make these ten ideas daily habits, and you’ll give your
kids the best chance possible to be happy, productive, and
responsible adults.
How do You Talk about Your Kids?
"She's so emotional!"
"He just never listens to us!"
"After a couple of hours, I just can't handle my kids!"
When effective parents talk about their kids, they usually say things that reflect what they really think about their kids. They'll say things like, "My kids are wonderful. Sometimes I have to remind them of things, but then they remember what they need to do."
How you talk about your kids is a reflection of how you think about them, as well as a reflection of how you think about yourself. Seeing your kids as wonderful and capable is as important as anything you do.
When you talk about your kids to others, what do you say?
“First mom shrunk my favorite hat, then you guys lost my favorite book, then I did my alphabet for you and you didn’t even care!”
My seven-year-old son wrapped his arms around his head and tried his best to “shut out the world,” including me. My first thought was to convince him things weren’t so bad, and that tomorrow would be a better day. But by doing that, I’d also convince him that I didn’t understand his feelings, and what he was going through.
“Sounds like a pretty rotten day,” I replied.
That was all he needed.
For the next fifteen minutes, he told me about all of the awful things that he’d gone through, and who had committed the “crimes.” We ended the night in laughter, talking about the possibility of running naked through a winter storm to the corner store and back. It was decided neither of us would try, but we could do it, “if we really wanted to.”
Later that night, I thought about my son’s anger and his rapid recovery. I thought about how much more our kids share with us these days, and how little I shared with my parents. And I thought of what a blessing it is to have a son who’s able to share his life with me.
Back in the days of seeing and not hearing children, parents could often skip the part of parenting that involved listening closely and empathizing with their children. They could tell their kids to “shape up” or “stop whining” when they were struggling, and they could control them with fear. Children would respond by stuffing feelings, and holding onto their anger for long periods of time.
After my son had shared his feelings with me, I shared with him how glad I was that he could tell me what was bothering him. I told him that “anger energy” needs to be released from your body, or it starts to grow. And I shared that I was glad he didn’t have to stay angry as long as I did when I was a child, because I didn’t learn the “secret” of talking about my problems with someone I loved.
If we are to listen well, we must open ourselves to the good, the bad and the ugly in our children. At times, it is excruciatingly difficult to listen, when we want them to “get over it.” But all they need is one comment to show them weunderstand, and their mood shifts before us. All we need is to understand that kids are not adults, and that they often feel their emotions more strongly than we do.
And, they will remember how you responded to their emotions for the rest of their life.
So the next time your child is struggling, remember the blessings within the struggle. Remember the opportunity to join your child with kindness and compassion.
And remember that if you really want your child to “get over
it,” you’ll have to get over it first.
Ten Ways to Teach Values to your Kids
1. Tell them your life stories and teach through your stories
Kids love to hear stories about your childhood. Weave in some moral dilemmas, and you've got great opportunities to teach them values. It's especially effective at bedtime, when there are fewer distractions. They'll fall asleep with the story swirling around inside them.
2. Live your own life according to your values- walk the talk.
Kids learn by imitating, especially at a young age. They're very adept at seeing the match between what you say and what you do. Don't give them confusing signals; follow your own values every moment.
3. Expose them to your religion, faith, or spirituality
It seems especially important to let your kids know they're not alone. Guiding your kids towards your faith or spiritual beliefs will strengthen their values, and provide parents with a framework for their life.
4. Pay attention to who else might be teaching values to your kids
Get to know your child's teachers, coaches, friends, etc. Anyone who spends time with your children may be influencing them. Know their values and beliefs as well.
5. Ask your kids questions that will stimulate dialogue about values
Telling your kids what values they should have won't be very effective, especially when your kids get older. Asking them "curious" questions will allow discussions that will eventually lead to values. "What did you think about that fight?" will be more effective than, "He shouldn't have started that fight!"
6. Talk to them about values in a relaxed and easy way
Nothing will turn your kids off more than preaching values to them after they've screwed up! Talk to them when everyone's relaxed, and do it in a light, conversational manner. Be aware of using the "parental tone," which has your kids wanting to run for the door.
7. Limit their exposure to TV and video games
One of the ways to teach values to your kids is by showing them what you avoid. Advertisers in the US will be spending over 3 billion dollars to try and convince your kids that they'll feel better if they have the right clothes, etc. If you really want to show them there are more valuable ways to spend your time, limit your own TV watching as well.
8. Involve your kids in helping others
Kids learn values when they experience them. Allow them to experience helping others by donating a portion of their money to the needy, or by getting involved in charity work. When your kids can see first-hand the results of their efforts, an important value will be established for a lifetime.
9. Have frequent conversations about values in your household
Don't make the mistake of only talking about values when something goes wrong. Your kids need to hear your values reflected often in conversations. It's another way for them to know that it's important.
10. Have high expectations for your kids' value systems
Your kids will tend to rise to the level of your expectations.
Their value system will often reflect yours, as long as you expect
them to make it an important part of their life. When your kids are
making a decision, ask them to consider how their decision fits into
their own value system.
Fathers, Daughters, and Eating
Disorders
A quick scan revealed scores of magazines showing 110 lb. women with giant busts, along with ones showing alien babies, who were plotting to take over the world.
In my younger years, I might have picked up a few of these “glamour” magazines and perused the pages. But it was different now. I was at the store with my nine-year-old daughter, and she was looking at the shelves, too.
We have an epidemic of eating disorders in this country. And during National Eating Disorder Awareness week (February 27 - March 5), it’s important to examine what kind of impact these disorders are having in our country today. Here are some statistics:
• About 5,000,000 people in the US, most of them teenage girls, have anorexia. One in 10 die of it, half from suicide, and half from medical complications related to the anorexia.
• In 1970, the average age a girl started dieting in the US was 14. By 1990, the average dieting age had fallen to 8.
• In one study, young girls in the US who were surveyed were more afraid of becoming fat than they were of nuclear war, cancer, or losing their parents.
• The average US woman is 5'4" and weighs 140 lbs. The average US model is 5'11" and weighs 117 lbs.
• 2 out of 5 women, and 1 out of 5 men would give 3-5 years of their life to achieve their weight goals.
I no longer have an interest in looking at magazines with emaciated models. I no longer show interest in conversations with men whom objectify women. As my daughter grows older, she looks around at the world we’ve created.
Our failures are everywhere.
And as we live our own busy lives, we see these failures yet stay silent. We plow ahead, hoping things will change, and fearing they won’t.
And while our culture is not the only culprit in the eating disorder epidemic in this country, it certainly stokes the fire. It stokes the fire in those girls who lack the positive self-image to withstand the barrage of images and judgments that rain down every day. For girls, there’s no escaping this barrage. It happens in the looks and comments they get when they walk down the hall at school. It happens when they turn on the radio or TV. It surrounds them, convincing many that slim and sexy is the Holy Grail of their existence.
Our daughters need our help. They can no longer afford our silence. Here are some ideas for fathers that may help to turn the tide:
• Examine your own attitude and feelings toward women. How have you objectified women in the past? Are you ready to see them as equal? Make sure you’re clear on these questions, because they’ll come up eventually with your daughter.
• Find out if there are sexist influences in your daughters’ life that you can impact. Ask about the philosophy and practices of her coaches, teachers, and others who spend time with her. One influential person can do a great deal of good, or a great deal of damage.
• Anything positive you do can be washed away by a single comment about her appearance, or the way you look at another woman. Your daughter is watching you closely. Tell her she’s beautiful, no matter what she looks like.
• Find out the names of advertisers who put out garbage commercials or products that attempt to convince young girls to be slimmer, etc. You’d be surprised at how many ads have been pulled because concerned parents took action.
• Stay connected to your daughter, no matter how much she’s struggling. And when she reaches puberty and her body changes, find a way to continue to stay close. Too many fathers abandon their daughters emotionally when their daughters need them the most.
Just because an unhealthy environment surrounds us doesn’t mean it’s good for our daughters. The statistics on eating disorders show this beyond the shadow of a doubt.
If fathers don’t act now in their daughter’s behalf, others will act for them.
The results so far have not been promising.
“Here’s your water bottle,
James!”
We were attending a youth basketball game, and the hallway outside the gym was filled with parents and revved up kids. This kind of interaction between children and their parents is not unusual today. We all see examples of kids acting more aggressively around their parents. And unfortunately, we all see examples of their parents doing little to change it.
In a society with kids who are “plugged in” to TV, computers, and video games for record numbers of hours each day, it’s easy to blame our kids’ behavior on the media garbage that enters their lives. And as stressed out as parents are today, it’s also easy to turn the other way when our kids act in rude and disrespectful ways.
But if you do turn the other way from a “teaching moment” like the one James’ mother had, you’ll have created a whole lot more trouble for yourself down the road.
We are our child’s main teacher in life. We are surrounded by sarcasm, rudeness, and aggressive behavior. And we have the choice about whether our children become part of this kind of culture, or they adhere to a kinder, gentler, more respectful one. All we need to do is to commit to what we believe in as mentors for our children, and to follow through with “right action.”
In the case of James’ mother, she could track down James, and as soon as they were alone, she could tell him that it’s appropriate to say “thank you” when she gives him something. She could tell him it’s also appropriate to greet other adults that are in her group, and to make eye contact with them.
This can all be done in a calm and kind manner. It can be done many times each day, depending on the behavior of your child. And while it may be difficult and aggravating at times to follow up consistently, the results will never fail to show up in your child.
We must remember that the development of a child is always connected to the development of a parent. When we show discipline and patience with our children, they’ll show it to us. When we let go of our responsibilities, our laziness shows itself in our children just as clearly.
Parents live in challenging times, but world peace still begins at home.
Your teaching moments are waiting, along with your children.
Ten Reasons to Tell your Kids Stories
1. Use them to teach lessons about life. Stories will stimulate conversations with your kids more effectively than lecturing or “trying to get them to talk. There are a lot of issues happening for your kids these days, and stories give them a chance to reflect on them.
2. Stories connect your kids with previous generations. In a society that seems to have families spread out all over, it's vitally important to have ways to have your kids feel connected to their extended families.
3. Stories stimulate your kids’ imagination. One of the best ways to prepare your kids for the world is to engage them in vivid stories that stir their imagination. Kids who are exposed to these kinds of stories will be the creative problem-solvers of the future.
4. Kids who are exposed to stories will continue the tradition with their own families. Knowing that your family traditions and stories will be carried on by future generations is very comforting.
5. Stories can encourage your kids when they're discouraged. Childhood can get pretty discouraging sometimes. Kids are encouraged by knowing that Mom or Dad have gone through the same kinds of things and have survived.
6. Telling your stories has you remembering your own childhood. Telling your kids about your childhood is a great way for you to remember and reflect on what was important about your younger years.
7. Telling stories helps to create depth and soul in your kids. In a TV and media-crazy culture, telling stories can capture your kids’ attention and convey real meaning. It’s a way to show your kids what’s really mportant in your life.
8. Telling stories to your kids tells them they're worth the time. Is there anything more important than conveying to your kids that you want to spend intimate time with them? They’ll remember it forever.
9. Telling stories is a great chance to convey your values. Your kids will be getting quite a few messages from their friends and from popular culture. Stories are a great opportunity to sneak in a few of your cherished values for your kids to hear.
10. Well-crafted stories create a wonderful mind-set for your kids before they fall asleep.
Kids will fall asleep faster and with healthier images when you tell them your stories.
Don't pass up the opportunity to connect with your kids at the same time you tell them what's important to you.
It will be a huge gift to your kids, and a huge gift to you.
To learn what went wrong in your father relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself some questions. And since your issues with your father are so often associated with anger towards your kids, this is a good place to start. There are three key questions you can ask yourself:
Where is the learning here for you?
1. Start them with tasks when they’re young. Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age 2. They can do a lot more than you think, if you’re patient and creative. This helps build confidence and enthusiasm for later tasks in their life.
2. Don’t use rewards with your kids If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the value of the tasks they do on a personal level. They won’t learn it if they’re focused on what they’re going to “get.”
3. Use natural consequences when they make mistakes. If they keep misplacing their stuff, let them deal with the consequences. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they’ll never learn responsibility.
4. Let them know when you see them being responsible. Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.
5. Model responsible behavior for your kids. This is where
they’ll learn it from. Take care of your stuff. Try to be on
time. Your kids are watching you very closely.
Important Conversations with our
Kids
It’s a time when we have some of our most interesting and precious talks. This evening, I was preoccupied with other thoughts. While lying next to him, my mind was a million miles away.
My son was being unusually quiet as well.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Which of these would you rather do? Die, eat boogers, or eat snails?”
It took all my strength to keep from laughing.
“Well, that’s an interesting question. I guess I’d take the snails. How about you?”
“I’d go for the boogers. I wouldn’t want to die.”
This was the beginning of a far-reaching discussion of death, life, and disgusting things we are faced with in our lives. And in that single question, my son had freed me from the depths of my worry and concern. He had brought me back to the precious present moment, where all happiness exists.
In a moment, he had transformed my night.
Had this fascinating question not been posed, I would have remained in a work-related stupor. My mind would have been filled with unnecessary worry. It was only the latest example of how my children bless my life. And it was the latest evidence of how being involved in my children’s lives provides me with more than I could ever dream.
In the book “New Strategies for Balancing work and Family” (1998), researchers and authors James Levine and Todd Pittinsky found that involved fathers were actually healthier than fathers who were distant from their children.
They also found that fathers who had the fewest worries about their relationships with their children had the fewest health problems.
And, when involved fathers are happy at home, they feel less stress, and actually perform better at work. Levine and Pittinsky found that when men are comfortable at home, their sense of accomplishment and confidence carries over into the workplace.
This research shows what many have suspected for some time:
The qualities that make someone an effective father are the same qualities that make them an effective husband, and an effective employee. We live whole lives, and the thoughts and feelings we carry around don’t stay in separate compartments. Every part of our life impacts the other parts in a big way.
And while many of us know how good fatherhood has been to us, it’s easy to get stuck on how much we do for our kids.
It’s easy to think about all the things we could be doing if we weren’t serving our kids in some way. And before you know it, we can become victims. We can see how little appreciation there is for what we do, and how hard we work.
But we’re fooling ourselves when we take this path. We are forever changed for the better when we commit to fatherhood, in ways that are deeper than our understanding.
So what choice will it be for you?
Gratitude or victimhood?
It’s a choice that’s even easier than death, boogers, or
snails.
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© 2006 Mark Brandenburg Other Father Issues, Books, Resources To this day I can remember my father's voice, singing over me in the stillness of the night. - Carl G. Jung
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