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My kids are driving me crazy!
It’s a refrain that’s being heard around
the country. And when you conduct parent workshops,
the same issues that produce that refrain come up
over and over for parents. No matter where you go,
parents are talking about the same problems with
their kids. And the sad truth about these problems
is that parents are usually a big part of the
problem.
Here are three issues that keep coming up for
parents, and an explanation of how parents can
often solve their own problems.
Problem #1: My kids don’t listen to
me. To expect that kids will listen to you
perfectly all the time is an irrational thought.
Kids don’t listen and attend to things in the
same way that adults do. They can be intensely
focused on the activity they’re involved with.
Kids will often need you to repeat things a number
of times in a patient, pleasant tone. And yes, your
job is to be very patient with them.
It is often the “parental” tone of
parents’ voices that is part of the problem
when kids don’t listen. After all, who wants
to be lectured constantly about what to do? If
things still don’t work, take action—kids
will respond to action much better than they will
to words.
Problem #2: My kids aren’t
respectful—they talk back and argue too much:
One of the problems with not having obedient kids
anymore is that kids feel more freedom to speak
their mind. This can be irritating, but it’s
far better than obedient kids who do what
they’re told out of fear.
If your child talks to you in a disrespectful
way, you have choices. One choice is to be angry
with them and to actually create more of the very
behavior that you dislike. Getting angry when your
child talks back to you is a great example of
creating your own problems.
A better choice is to ask them what’s
bothering them in a compassionate way. Kids will
often take out their feelings on someone who they
feel safe with—you! And remember that you can
tell them in a calm and firm manner that it’s
not OK to talk to you that way.
Arguing is a choice for parents. It still takes
two to tango. Most parents who complain about their
kids arguing are pretty good at it themselves. You
may disagree often with your kids, but arguments
can usually be avoided if parents stay
disciplined.
Problem #3: My kids aren’t achieving
as well as they should. Whether it’s tying
their shoes, getting better grades, or success at
sports, parents will always be worried about how
well their kids are measuring up. While there
certainly are situations that require extra help
and support, most of the extreme concern about your
child’s development is a problem itself. When
parents worry about their child’s capability,
it sends a powerful message to this child. Einstein
and Edison, by the way, were very poor students as
children!
The responsibility of parents is to believe in
their child’s ability to succeed and to set
high expectations for them. The rest is to be
patient and to be aware of your own insecurities.
It is these insecurities that may be part of the
reason your child isn’t doing well.
While it’s easy to point fingers at your
kids, remember the old saying: “The apple
doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Parents who attend to their own issues first
will find far fewer “rotten apples” in
their tree.
© 2008 Mark
Brandenburg
Other Father Issues,
Books,
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* * *
To this day I can remember my father's
voice, singing over me in the stillness of the
night. - Carl G. Jung
Mark has
a Masters degree in counseling psychology and has
been a counselor, business consultant, sports
counselor, and a certified life and business coach.
He has worked with individuals, teams, and
businesses to improve their performance for over 20
years. Prior to life and business coaching Mark was
a world-ranked professional tennis player and has
coached other world-ranked athletes. He has helped
hundreds of individuals to implement his coaching
techniques. Mark specializes in coaching men to
balance their lives and to improve the important
relationships in their lives. He is the author of
the popular e-books, 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent
Fathers
 ,
and Fix
Your Wife in 30 Days or Less (And Improve Yourself
at the Same Time
).
Mark is also the publisher of the “Dads
Don’t Fix your Kids” ezine for fathers.
To sign up, go to www.markbrandenburg.com
or E-Mail
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