Blood, Phlegm & Bile:
Parenting with Humor

March
Change Your Life for $39!


My recent experiences in the job market have left me with the feeling that my interviewing skills could use a little brushing up. This morning the solution to my problem jumped out at me from a box on the street corner: the Learning Annex catalog!

I was looking for some quick improvement in my ability to interact with other humans, and I found a couple of offerings directly on point: "Power Interviewing" and "How to Have Employers Begging to Hire You".

But soon I realized my focus was too narrow. The Learning Annex doesn't just tinker with your interviewing style; it offers a holistic approach to changing your entire life. My first clue to this was when I started noticing eerie parallels between the "Business/Careers" section and the "Relationships/Intimacy" department:

  • Power Interviewing — Power Dating
  • How to Land Your Dream Job — How to Get What You Want in Bed
  • Marketing Secrets — Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men

Now, I'm lucky enough not to need to do any Power Dating, but the point is how easy it is to improve any aspect of your life! It's all about getting what you want with minimal effort. Finding satisfaction at work and at home is only $39 away at the Learning Annex!

We all know people who are slackers and spent the first 35 years of their lives partying and goofing off. When these people realize that they are probably not all going to become president, they start looking for ways to make up lost ground. The courses at the Learning Annex are designed just for them.

These are classes for people who aren't into delayed gratification. Why waste years acquiring skills when you can take these easy shortcuts:

"Speak Spanish Fluently in Just 1-3 Weeks"

Well, I can't see frittering away three weeks just to learn a language. I think I'll go on down the hall to: "Speak French in Only 3 Hours!"

Here's a good way to jump-start your career: "How to Write a Book on ANYTHING in 3 Weeks...or Less". I love how they add that extra tag line "or less" for people who are thinking, "Well, I'd like to write a book, but I'm not sure I can free up three whole weeks for it."

Or if all that seems too troublesome and time-consuming, try this one-stop shop:

"How to Get All the Money, Success, Confidence and Love You'd Ever Want–IMMEDIATELY!"

I'm not sure I'm ready for all that at once. Maybe I should start with some basics:

  • "The Art of Becoming Conscious". Staying awake throughout the job interview makes a good impression on your potential employer!
  • "Stop Being Nice". So that's my problem!

Maybe I need a total personality makeover:

  • "How to Change Your Identity". This is the actual course description: "Have you ever thought of disappearing, just vanishing and starting life over as somebody else? What if there were a simple way to make it happen?" You'll learn how with easy-to-follow steps including "How to plan your disappearance," "Tips for effectively transforming your physical appearance" and "How to concoct a reasonable 'history' for your new persona". Perfect! I've always wanted a second chance to try out for the high school football team.

Perhaps instead of learning how to interview for a job in my current field, I should think about a career change. These opportunities sound quite lucrative:

  • "How to Become a Notary Public"
  • "How to Make Your Own Soaps"
  • "Learn Balloon Twisting for Fun and Profit"

And of course this one, which is part of the core curriculum at places like this:

  • "How to Become a $1000+ per day Seminar Leader". Presumably by leading seminars on how to become a $1000+ per day seminar leader.

Wait a minute! I've finally found the perfect course for me:

  • "Making a Living Without a Job"

I'm glad I've shared these insights with you. If I can save just one person from a life of unprofitable balloon twisting, it will be worth it.

© 2012 John Hershey

Other Father Issues, Books

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Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth. - Peter Ustinov

John Hershey is a dad, a writer, and a lawyer (in that order). He writes a syndicated biweekly humor column about parenting and family life.. His columns have been published or accepted for publication on websites and in magazines around the world, from Maine to Oregon, Colorado down to Texas, and down under in Australia.

Blood, Phlegm & Bile: Parenting with Humor appears monthly on menstuff.org. But, why the gross title? Well, for one thing these are three substances with which every parent becomes quite familiar. They were also called the "humors" by medieval scientists who believed that the proportion of these bodily fluids determined a person's health and temperament. So it's a pun! A pun requiring a lengthy explanation, but a pun nonetheless. E-Mail



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