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March
Chapter 2. Fathering Throughout Time
"We make a living by what we get,
but we make a life by what we give.”
- Winston Churchill
Protect and Provide For
The fundamental nature of a father’s role
had changed little over time, until recently.
Fathers have traditionally had the role of
protecting and providing for their families.
Protecting used to include guarding against danger:
wild animals or intruders. The form and setting of
providing has varied greatly from forest, to field,
to factory, to office. Fathers worked and they
brought back the results of their work; food, goods
and money. These archetypal roles were in the
context of a clan, tribe or village. Fathers,
primarily, had been giving various forms of
physical support. Perhaps today’s fathers can
offer a different type of protection; and providing
for has new forms as well.
A modern interpretation of ‘to protect and
provide for’ could include the environment of
the pregnancy and birth. Reading, attending classes
and participating with your partner will provide
her with valuable support. She will likely need and
appreciate it in the early months. Connecting with
your child, while he is in the womb, and actively
bonding also sends signals to your partner that you
are devoted to your new family. This is very
important for a mother-to-be. Also included in your
role could be making sure the birth environment
itself is comfortable, calm and safe. With the
trend towards ‘medicalized’ and
industrialized birthing practices you may also want
to protect your family in more unexpected ways.
Women’s Movement
The women’s movement peaked during the
second half of the 20th century and much change
ensued. Women wanted recognition for their
contribution to the family and society, more
freedom, and different role and life options. The
rigidity of our archetypal patriarchy was limiting
the freedom of both women and men. The women’s
movement can perhaps be credited with evolving our
culture by stimulating changes to the historic
straight jacket of gender roles.
Now, men have been liberated as well. Not all
men have embraced these cultural shifts. If we have
not had family role models or support for such
changes these transitions could be confusing and
disconcerting. Men and women now have greater
equality in relationships, careers and community
life. As a result, the character of the family has
changed forever.
Nuclear Family
The cultural evolution to the nuclear family has
left a hole where a family’s support systems
used to be. There is a proverb which says, “It
takes a village to raise a child”. Our
villages, towns and cities no longer provide the
spirit, much less the meaning, behind this saying.
Families do not have the wide-ranging support that
was previously customary in tribes and villages.
Mothers have historically had their mother,
grandmother, in-laws or midwife for role models and
support for having a baby and raising a family.
This gap has been partially filled by an extensive
network of resources to support and educate
mothers-to-be. This is invaluable for mothers;
however fathers have yet to be afforded the same
opportunity.
These shifting cultural trends of the last fifty
years, however, have brought men more fully into
the family and included them at a more personal
level than ever before. This is invaluable as a
starting place for understanding fatherhood
today.
Changing Family Roles
Today’s society has changed significantly.
One change is the blurred line that differentiates
gender roles. In the majority of families today
both parents have jobs. This alone can cause a
shift in parents’ roles. Most couples have
their own unique design for how they cooperate
economically, socially and within the family. These
contemporary shifts have modified the structure of
the family and virtually assures role changes, and
sometimes role reversals. “In one third of the
families today where pre-school children are at
home and a parent is the caregiver, it is the
father.”2
My own family history was representative of the
time. The fathers worked in the fields or
businesses and the mothers were housewives,
exclusively. The women took responsibility for
virtually all aspects of home and family life,
especially raising the children. Mothers not only
raised the children, they and the children were to
a large degree the family unit. The fathers did
their time at work and in society, and they came
and went from the family.
Though fathers were a part of the family, they
did not participate in raising the children in
every day life. The mothers interrelated with every
aspect of the children’s lives from health
care and education, to meals, clothing and their
social lives. The fathers then learned about the
children from the mothers. Although fathers were
considered to be ‘raising the family’,
they were on the outside looking in, to a large
degree.
The one exception to the mothers’
governance in the family was regarding discipline.
Many children of this era were told, “Just
wait until your father gets home” or something
similar. We all knew what that meant. This was like
a stay of execution and, as you can imagine, the
rest of the day would not go so well. The father
would come home, perhaps tired and frustrated from
a days work, and the mother would recall to him the
particulars of who needed discipline for what wrong
doing. The father would then portion it out. This
was one method of keeping children in line. It also
placed an unreasonable burden on the father and
child relationship.
If a father is working and earning money, there
can still be a strong, traditional providing
component to his contribution. Women, however, have
also stepped up to help fill this previously male
function. A father’s family role today has
also expanded to include more activities that were
formerly of the mother’s domain. This includes
everything from direct caretaking and nurturing to
diaper changing.
When you provide material and nurturing support
your presence and commitment will have profound and
lasting value. This whole hearted, lifetime
commitment will brighten your darkest days and
glorify the brilliant ones.
Fathering in a Modern Age
Perhaps the most significant feature of modern
fathering is dad’s participation during the
pregnancy of his partner, birth of their children
and early parenting. Mothers today usually want
fathers to be more involved and in most instances
they are.
Men’s archetypal model, as well as their
own upbringing, has primarily conditioned them to
do the basic physical activities. Fathers are
rapidly, and often haphazardly, trying to figure
out how to successfully engage in new ways. They
are eager for a different type of involvement and
can do more for their families, especially when
they are properly supported.
On our first prenatal visit with our midwife,
Mau introduced me to the concept that I was also
‘pregnant’. This was a ‘brain
stopper’ for me and it clicked. From that
moment on I adopted the stance that I was also
having this baby. I believe it allowed me to more
easily engage with Kathryn’s pregnancy and our
child and to begin fathering. It benefited my whole
family. Kathryn was carrying our baby and I was
carrying our family. I understood that by caring
for her I was also caring for our child. I was no
longer a bystander, baggage handler or just the
sperm donor. I was embracing my new fathering role
at an early stage.
Men are most receptive to learning at this time
of becoming a father. This opening has an
opportunity implicit in it. “Research
consensus recognizes that the more extensive a
father’s emotional investment, attachment,
involvement and provision of resources, the more
his child benefits in cognitive competence, school
performance, empathy, self-esteem, self-control,
well-being, life skills and social competence. So
there is much to be gained by a father’s
capable, committed and loving
involvement.”3
I have found that many men today have not
attended any classes beyond their formal education
or training for a career. They are however eager to
learn about becoming a father, in a way that works
for them. Fathers today are willing to cross the
bridge from a life of only providing physical
support to one of being more emotionally involved
in their family.
Currently, fathers are rarely provided with
their own preparation opportunity. There are some
couples classes or a dad’s segment within a
mother’s class being offered. However, these
forums are designed by women and taught by women.
They provide information primarily to educate and
support mothers. Most men tell me that, although
informative, they did not feel welcome and it was
not particularly satisfying for them. This is
simply how birth education has developed. There is
rarely a space for just fathers to come together to
receive information and support designed
specifically for fathers and taught by fathers.
Fathers-To-Be is changing that.
As I work with fathers in our Fathers-To-Be
groups I find that they enjoy exploring and
learning about this new phase of their lives. These
events are distinctly different from typical
men’s groups. Fathers come together to learn
about a specialized aspect of manhood; becoming a
father. They share a desire to learn about new
possibilities for themselves and their families.
Men often have concerns, questions and gaps in
their understanding of how to be as a father in
today’s family and society.
For men, being in a room with other fathers
enhances their willingness and ability to trust and
be honest about what they are thinking and feeling.
Men have an emotional literacy, contrary to the
stereotype. Fathers are relieved to hear from other
fathers. Sharing stories, acknowledging they are
having a deep personal experience and just being
heard can sometimes make all the difference. It is
about freeing the father, in the man.
Through our Fathers-To-Be website we are
supporting dads coming together in living rooms
around the world. The importance and significance
of fathers’ groups can not be overstated. To
be able to hear from and speak with others in a
similar situation is profound. These
‘Father2Father’ groups will be mostly
informal and hosted by volunteer fathers who
appreciate the value of peer support. Fathers
supporting fathers, mentoring each other, has the
possibility to transform our culture.
©2010, Patrick
Houser
* * *
Patrick
Houser is a father and a grandfather. His second
son's arrival was the first waterbirth in the U.S.
This led him into nearly 25 years of support for
both choices and working with parents. He has
gained wide experience from various fields
including a degree in marketing, owning a
construction firm and a natural health centre.
Patrick is a Life Coach and co-founder of
Fathers-To-Be, a new concept in antenatal
education, for men. Fathers-To-Be also offers
consulting and training for health service
providers. E-Mail
or www.fatherstobe.org
These articles are excerps from his book
Fathers-To-Be
Handbook: A road map for the transition
to fatherhood.
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