|
September
Chapter 8: Fathering In Early Infancy
“It doesn’t matter
who my father was;
it matters who I remember he was.” Anne
Sexton
Your baby has arrived and you are now, visibly,
a father. Welcome dad. Our modern culture rarely
provides opportunities to be with infants before
the birth of our own child. This new relationship
will require time and attention, just like any new
relationship. You will want to get to know each
other. You will know you are ready for this phase
of life because your baby has arrived. You have
everything you need to be a great father. You have
tremendous value to contribute to your child’s
life, that only you can.
During this early infancy time you will likely
be called upon to stretch yourself beyond any
previously known boundaries: physical, mental and
emotional. This is not something you can practice
for in advance. However, the tools and exercises in
this book can continue to be of use to you.
Breathing and meditation will still have a place.
Perhaps meditate while holding your baby or to help
calm them when upset occurs. Affirmations and
paying attention to your thoughts will also
continue to have a role and of course the
Fathers’ Circle. Notice your stress levels and
work to reduce them when necessary. This phase of
fathering will introduce additional dimensions to
your life which will begin the more active period
of your fathering. Be patient with yourself.
Empathy exercise: A baby during early
infancy
Imagine you are a newborn. It is now your
initial time outside the womb and you are getting
used to a body, people, sounds, sensations and
images. You are also needing responses and support
from the outside world for the first time: food,
warmth and comfort among them. Your nourishment is
now from an external source and you may have to
exert yourself to get it. You are also building a
relationship with your mother, father and perhaps
others.
Picture what you would want and need
during this phase of your life?
Can you imagine what life is like as a newborn
baby? How would you feel?
How would you want to be handled; by whom and
when?
A mother during early infancy
Can you imagine what those initial few months
are like as a first-time mother? You may be facing
many challenges and insecurities as well as joys.
You will be in a deeply intimate experience with
this child. You are also no longer ‘just’
a woman, you are also a mother. Imagine what it is
like to have this new little being dependent on you
for virtually life itself. What about
breastfeeding? What is this like? What about your
relationship with the baby’s father?
What do you imagine you would want and
need to support you during early parenting, as a
mother? Explore the possibilities. This will help
you to better understand your partner.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding can be a profound and deeply
intimate part of the relationship between a mother
and her infant. It is also a very clever,
convenient and easy way to provide the best
nourishment possible for a baby. There are mothers
who cannot breastfeed or choose not to. As with
other aspects of this time it is best if the two of
you research and discuss this, and then support the
mother in her choice.
There can be no measure of the value of
breastfeeding for mother and baby. There are,
however, volumes of research which reveal beyond
any doubt that it is highly beneficial for both of
them, physically and emotionally. Mother’s
breast milk provides a child with the best possible
foundation for his immune system. It also builds on
the bonding between mother and child and adds a
level of security to the baby’s world. A
breastfeeding mother is also less likely to
experience post-partum depression. This is because
of the hormones that come into play as well as the
emotional connection it creates between them. The
most natural length of time to breastfeed is very
individual and best left to each mother and child
to determine. Many mothers and babies enjoy
breastfeeding for two or more years. Know that your
support of the breastfeeding couple is most
important and irreplaceable. This is another real
form of providing for your family.
Veronika Sophia Robinson, in her book The Drinks
are on Me writes, “Breastfeeding is a sacred
art. It opens our soul and brings us to a place
which connects generations past with future
generations.”19
If your partner is breastfeeding you may have
varying responses. You could find it wondrous,
sensual and satisfying. You could also feel left
out or jealous. You could perceive it as a sexual
event that you do not appear to be included in.
“Those are my breasts. They have been a source
of much sexual pleasure for me and now someone
else, possibly even another male, is having his way
with them. I am excluded. What about me?” How
you respond may surprise you. Be honest with
yourself and speak about it with your partner, with
care however. Perhaps cuddle with your family when
they are breastfeeding. Include yourself,
respectfully of course. Be willing to expand your
definition of intimacy. Also, go skin to skin with
your baby, you will both benefit.
You could write autobiographically about
how this is for you. You may discover an underlying
cause if you have upset about this. You could also
make use of affirmations. The affirmation, “I
am included”, can be very useful.
Father and Child Bonding
There is a correlation between the amount of
time spent parenting and the degree of bonding
between parent and child. Because most mothers are
spending more time with a newborn than fathers they
will seem to have a stronger bond. If you are off
to work and doing the physical caretaking of the
whole family, your direct time spent with your baby
is naturally less. Your connection with your baby,
at first, may therefore not seem as strong as the
mother’s. And the potential may surprise
you.
My brother Pete Houser wrote
After Denise and I came home from
the hospital our new son, Jake, would need care
at certain times of the day and night. I decided
early on that Denise had carried him for nine
months and it was now my turn to perform. Denise
never got out of bed in the night. As soon as
Jake peeped I'd get up to bring him to her for
feeding, what could be better, I loved it.
Little did I know it at the time but I was
catching up on their ultimate bond. That is the
only way I can explain the very close
relationship I share with my kids. I became a
connection point through my participation with
them, all the way through high school and even
today.
I guess my point is that fathers have a
lot of ‘work’ to do to achieve the
bond that mothers get in a different way. Spend
as much time as you can, all kinds of
time...diaper time, feeding time, sick time,
doctor time, play time and sports time. Don't be
the father who expects the mother to do all of
these things while you bring home the bacon. You
can do both and I guarantee you'll be glad you
did. Being a father is the single most joyful
role I have ever imagined or
experienced.
Jonas Himmelstrand wrote:
My wife, Tamara, made some very
clear statements on how she wanted to be
supported by me, in her role as a mother, around
the birth and babyhood of our children. She
wanted a homebirth, she wanted family-bed, she
wanted the baby to be carried rather than being
in a stroller and she wanted long-term
breastfeeding and no pacifiers. I realized that
the best gift I could give to my children in
babyhood was to acknowledge my wife's wishes and
support her in every way possible to be the
mother she wanted to be. It took me a long time
of study and inner work to come to terms with
some of her wishes, but I eventually did.
It turned out that Tamara did not have a
strong enough back to carry our children, even
when they were babies. I stepped in and took the
role with pride. As a father you are the
‘vice-mother’ to your baby. If the
mother can’t do it or needs to rest, the
job is yours and no one can compare to you. I
have carried all of our children from birth,
through a series of different carriers up, to
about three years of age. At that point they
have wanted to walk most distances themselves.
It has been the greatest pleasure.
During babyhood the baby is often more
important to the father than the father to the
baby: whose primary needs are met by the mother.
Every father needs to feel deep in his heart
that this is his child to care for. Having had
my children born at home, as I have had the
privilege to experience, this bonding is
considerably strengthened. During babyhood the
father’s most vital support to the baby may
be in supporting the mother. Being a mother to a
baby is a 24/7 job and she needs support from
another adult, ideally her baby’s father.
Having food on the table and a safe home comes
first on the list, but also practical and
emotional everyday support for the mother is
important. In addition the father’s
connection with the baby will, of course, be
enhanced by the father carrying the baby,
singing to the baby, talking to the baby and
gazing into the beautiful, divine presence of
the baby’s eyes.
Elmer Postle wrote:
As a father, my initial
understanding of gratitude centered on the idea
that children would be grateful to their
parents. However, nothing has really prepared me
for the gratitude I have to Lucien, my 2 year
old son; for what he is giving to me. He is
bringing more to my life than I could ever have
imagined I would receive from anyone. To receive
this gift requires a different perception of how
we give to one another. It is not a ‘top
down’ process from parent to child but an
exchange between us, for which I am deeply
grateful.
I highly recommend mothers and fathers
‘wear’ their baby. There are any number
of slings, pouches and carriers which are great for
this. It provides a closeness to and security for
your new baby that is unachievable otherwise. I am
also in favor of co-sleeping, a very wonderful
experience for the whole family. For more
information on ‘attachment’ parenting see
Resources section and the internet.
Allow yourself to receive all of the love your
baby has for you and know that your love is
received by him as well. Remember, “My baby
loves me”. Your participation is important for
you and your baby, it is different than the
mother’s, and it will change over time. Know
that by you supporting their connection your
presence is felt and appreciated and your bond will
deepen.
Inner Strength
Sometimes you may be called upon to develop
gifts you didn’t know you had. After my first
son’s intense birth, Kathryn was very poorly.
She was physically and emotionally bankrupt.
Anandas was unsettled at best or crying and once
asleep would only stay sleeping if he was being
held. Breastfeeding was painful for Kathryn and not
going well also. She was detached and withdrawn
because of the emotional and physical impact of the
birth.
The house we were building was not finished so
we were living in a summer cottage, in December.
Within a few days after the birth the temperature
dropped below freezing and it snowed. Our heat
source was a wood burning stove which was
ineffective for the conditions. Also the water
pipes froze so we had no running water. I spent my
days acquiring firewood and hauling water from the
pump house. In between these activities I fixed
meals, changed (and hand-washed) diapers and tried
to comfort my family.
My world was concentrated on my family and doing
whatever it took. I notice that we will typically
find the inner resources to handle what we are
asked to, if we are committed. You will also.
Although intense, this was a very intimate and
bonding experience for us. The birthing time
carries with it a commonality of experience which
can solidify a family, regardless of the
appearance. Within a couple of weeks we found a
holistic practitioner, a chiropractor/iridologist.
Iridology is the study of the eyes’
‘map’ of our body’s physical health.
He looked into Anandas’ eyes and saw a hip and
shoulder dislocation and with two gentle movements
Anandas was at peace. He looked into Kathryn’s
eyes and saw that there was a bit of placenta still
in her womb and gave her a mineral douche to use.
Within a short time she expelled this and her body
healed. The emotional effects took longer but they
healed as well, through willingness and therapeutic
support.
Expanding Your Relationship
You and your partner are expanding your
relationship and including another person. The leap
from two people in a relationship to three (or more
if there are other children) is significant and may
have more impact than you initially realize. It can
be a most endearing and profound shift. One aspect
of this, from a modern fathering perspective, is
that you can cradle your infant, through cradling
your partner. I suggest you do this literally as
well as metaphorically. The loving care you give to
her also includes by its’ very nature, caring
for your child. This is a really important point
because integrating it will allow you to feel more
included. For a mother and child to have your
support in this way is very important and
valuable.
Notice if this expansion comes easily for you or
if you find yourself struggling or reacting in some
way. You may expose previously un-revealed
‘negative’ thoughts or uncomfortable
feelings. Many of us were not held, physically or
emotionally, as much or in the way that we would
have liked. It is common that needy feelings come
up at this time. There can be a tendency to try to
get these needs met through your partner. With her
attention elsewhere you could feel like you are
being left out. This can appear as jealousy of the
baby. You could also find yourself trying to stop
various levels of intimacy within your family as a
reaction. If you have this experience, be kind to
yourself and speak with your partner about it.
You may want to create an
affirmation and work with it to achieve more
peace around this issue. “I am enough, I do
enough, I have enough”, could work for you.
“I am included”, “I am
important”. Seek support for yourself and
write about it.
Fatherhood has the potential to be a highly
intimate experience. To hold your tiny baby in your
arms; to experience their fragile nature and look
into their eyes and know that they love you, trust
you and depend on you for their very existence is
remarkably intimate. At times, when my
Fathers-To-Be colleague Elmer is with his son
Lucien, he imagines his own father holding him, as
he is holding his young son, and finds this
profoundly satisfying and supportive. This makes
for a lovely picture in my mind. How wonderful can
you imagine your fathering?
The quality of your presence in your family is
invaluable. Your willingness to do whatever it
takes is deeply felt by them. Fathering a family is
something you will grow into and get more
comfortable with through time and experience. It is
a journey and not a destination. Consider parenting
to be a process of refinement.
Following is an excerpt from a lovely book which
supports parents during a baby’s upset.
CALMS-Five Simple Steps to Harmony
From the book What Babies Want by
Carrie Contey Ph.D. and Debby Takikawa
D.C.
You want to do what is best for your
baby, and like most parents, you’re not
always quite sure what that is. CALMS is a set
of tools to provide you with ideas about how to
stay connected to yourself and your child as you
learn to understand what it is your child is
trying to communicate to you when they are
distressed. A child in upset is one of
parenting’s most challenging occurrences
and CALMS can help you through these events.
“CALMS” is a way of being rather than
a mode of doing. Here is a brief overview of the
CALMS method.20
CALMS
C Check in with yourself. The first step
in calming your crying baby is to check in with
yourself, take a pause and identify your own
feelings.
A Allow a breath. Take several deep
breaths and allow things to simply be just as they
are in this moment.
L Listen to your baby. Take a moment or
two just to wonder what you think your baby is
trying to say.
M Make contact, mirror feelings. Let your
baby know you hear him and you see that he is sad
or angry, frustrated or frantic.
S Soothe your baby. Now is the time to do
the rocking, walking, swaddling, breastfeeding and
soothing that wasn’t working earlier.
Bonus Fathers
There are also men who have answered the call of
being a dad even though they are not birth fathers.
This includes step-fathers, grandfathers, uncles,
older brothers, teachers, coaches, scout leaders,
spiritual fathers (Priests, Rabbis, Vicars,
Ministers, Monks, etc.), and other men (and women)
who assume responsibility for the guidance and
support of young people. My brother, Mike, has no
children of his own yet he fulfils fathering
through his charity work with organizations that
support children in need. The contribution of all
such fathers is highly valuable to our society. I
acknowledge them for their love and support of our
children, and society’s future.
Father’s Compass: Looking Ahead
How do you want to be remembered as a father?
Contemplate for a moment this scenario. It is
decades from now and your child is asked the
question, “What was your father like when you
were growing up?” Can you imagine what they
will say? You actually have a choice. What if you
have the opportunity to write the answer to that
question yourself and influence your own legacy as
a father?
How do you want to be remembered as a
father? If you like, you could write your own
fathering declaration. What is your vision for your
fathering? This will be different for everyone. It
could be a few words or phrases, a list, or even
several paragraphs. You may also want to update
this as the years go by.
This declaration could become your personal
Father’s Compass. Consider coming back to this
declaration regularly as you grow and practice
being a father. It could help you navigate the
terrain of fathering and keep you on course,
especially during the challenging times. If you
already have children, it is never too late. A new
direction can be chosen at any time. Gifts of this
nature are always welcome.
When I was growing up I always had a compass. I
found it fascinating that something that simple
could be so useful and potentially valuable. You
could also gift your child with an actual compass,
as a symbol of your commitment and something
special between you. One comes in the Fathers-To-Be
Tool Kit.
When your children come of age, or they are
about to become a parent themselves, you could
present them with your personal Father’s
Compass. Imagine having a conversation with your
child about parenting, with your intention as a
father as the central theme. Naturally, this works
equally well for sons and daughters. Our daughters
are learning about mothering from their mothers.
They are also learning about fathering, and what to
expect from a future partner they may have children
with, from their father. Sons are, of course,
learning from their mothers what it means to be a
mother, for future reference. Mothers-to-be can
also benefit greatly by much of the information in
this book.
Consider that your children will be bestowing
the very same gifts they received from you on to
your grandchildren, great grandchildren and so on
for generations. Your practice of a Father’s
Compass could become a treasured family heirloom
that is passed on for generations. How do you want
to be remembered as a father? What if you have a
choice and what if you get to make it every day of
your life as a father?
Conscious Evolution
We could also view parenting from an
evolutionary perspective. An aspect of human
evolution could be dependent on us, individually
and collectively, through our practice as parents.
The application of this practice is then archived
and passed on to the next generation, hopefully
with more grace each time around. I was told
recently by an expectant woman that her husband has
always said to her about his future fathering,
“I am going to do it differently”. I have
heard this from many men. Well, that resolve plus
awareness, guidance and high-quality support is all
that is required for our evolutionary advancement
as parents. The customary view is that we are at
the effect of evolution. What if, instead, we are
actually instruments of it?
With first hand knowledge of four generations of
Houser fathers I can testify as to the actuality of
evolution in fathering. As I witness my own
sons’ fathering I am deeply moved by their
level of commitment and participation with their
children. Let’s embrace future generations,
today.
A Great Beginning
I invite you to continue exploring what you
really want for yourself and your family. As a
father, you have an unprecedented opportunity to
influence the health and wellbeing of your family
as well as human culture.
You now have new knowledge and new choices.
Equipped with a fresh understanding you can help to
provide for your partner and child and protect them
in ways that will be as supportive as possible. The
blending of love and knowledge equals wisdom. The
application of this wisdom is the essence of
fathering.
Resist the temptation to judge your performance.
This is generally a perception of good or bad.
Evaluation instead will allow you to learn from
each phase and build on your fathering knowledge
and skills. Avoid any tendency to think you must
become super-dad. Be willing to forgive yourself
when things do not go to plan or you experience
upset. You are actually a father-becoming. This
means, among other things, you are a work in
progress. Your family is growing up together. Be
gentle and kind with yourself. Ask for support when
you need it. By simply exposing yourself to new
concepts, reading this book and engaging in the
exercises, you have already become a better father.
Notice your thoughts and what your emotions, your
body’s sensations and feedback from life are
telling you. Work with that information to make
adjustments in order to produce the results you
want. This is a journey to explore and enjoy, with
love and your commitment to your family as your
guide.
What you achieve on the journey of fatherhood
can only be measured in your family’s hearts,
and in truth it is immeasurable. The first step is
awareness and you have already crossed that bridge.
Congratulations.
Take the risk to love with every ounce of your
being, to share your gifts and receive the ones
your children have to offer you. Welcome to
Fatherhood!
A new father has arrived.
©2010, Patrick
Houser
* * *
Patrick
Houser is a father and a grandfather. His second
son's arrival was the first waterbirth in the U.S.
This led him into nearly 25 years of support for
both choices and working with parents. He has
gained wide experience from various fields
including a degree in marketing, owning a
construction firm and a natural health centre.
Patrick is a Life Coach and co-founder of
Fathers-To-Be, a new concept in antenatal
education, for men. Fathers-To-Be also offers
consulting and training for health service
providers. E-Mail
or www.fatherstobe.org
These articles are excerps from his book
Fathers-To-Be
Handbook: A road map for the transition
to fatherhood.
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
