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May
Chapter 4. Beginning the Journey -
Pregnancy
“What a father says to his children is not
heard by the world, but it will be heard for
posterity.” - Richter
For many men this time of becoming a father can
lead to thoughts and feelings from a whole spectrum
from excitement to ambivalence. Important questions
will also arise. She is having a baby: what am I
supposed to be doing? How will the baby affect our
relationship? What about me? How can I support
myself through all this?
Some men find it difficult to ask for what they
need. It can be easier, or more comfortable, to
jump into the providing role and taking care of the
needs of your partner. But you have your own
legitimate needs. Meeting them will help you
support your partner and your baby. First is
getting in touch with what you need, then comes
asking for it. If you are willing to invest some
time on this the dividends will be great.
Following is an exercise that will help you
identify your needs. Remember this is about what
you need and want, not your partner or baby. Find
somewhere comfortable where you can have a quiet
moment. I invite you to write the answers to the
following questions or close your eyes and imagine
them.
As a father-to-be what are you experiencing
during this time? What kind of support do you need
right now. What knowledge or experience would help
you to be more relaxed and present in your role? Do
you need a confidant or mentor? How can you get
support for yourself? What will allow you to engage
more fully at this time and in the best way
possible, for you? Relax and imagine what it is
that you need and want.
SexIntimacyRelationships
SexIntimacyRelationships
are so closely connected that the best way to
represent them is as one. Almost any discussion
about one will encompass aspects of another. These
can also be among life’s most exciting and
fulfilling yet challenging issues. The primal time
will certainly bring these into focus and present
you with new opportunities for your personal
development.
Sex
Sex is where this whole process started and it
will be a central theme right the way through.
Conception, giving birth and breastfeeding are all
sexual experiences; they involve a woman’s
sexual anatomy. There are many dimensions of this
to explore which could transform your experience of
fatherhood.
A pregnant woman’s body is a hormone
factory, as well as a baby incubator. Her body
produces biological cocktails which do wondrous
things to support her and the baby’s
developing needs. A by-product is a shift to new
and different priorities for her. Some of this is
conscious; however, much of it is instinctual. Her
attention has altered significantly from that of
being a woman to include becoming a mother. Each
woman will be individual in her experience.
This time can bring with it a new phase in a
couple’s sexual relationship. Some women will
have an increase in their libido, others a
reduction. If her sex drive is reduced it is
important not to take this personally. It is not a
statement about you or the importance of your
relationship. Most importantly, it will change.
During this time her physical, emotional and
spiritual energy become focused on her baby. This
may be more pronounced near the end of the
pregnancy and for a time after the birth,
particularly if she is breastfeeding. It is best
for the two of you to speak about it regularly.
You can both be secure in knowing that making
love during pregnancy can be a good thing, for all
of you. You are sharing your love. More love is
better, some say. There are various cultural
beliefs and practices about this and it will vary
as to how couples are with their sexual intimacy
during this time. There are cultures where the
father is totally excluded from sexual contact
during pregnancy and right the way through
breastfeeding, for months or even years. What is
most important is what works best for each couple.
Also making love has many forms, penetration is
just one of them, and this is generally safe
throughout the pregnancy. Be gentle and allow your
partner to guide you in what works best for her
physical and emotional comfort.
Just about every part of a woman’s body can
change during pregnancy. Some men are fine with
this and others may be uncertain or reticent about
it. If you are in the second category, you may want
to see if you can adjust your perception. It is
good to be honest with yourself; and use care if
you speak with her about it. A woman’s body
image can be very sensitive during pregnancy and
after the birth for a time.
Perhaps now may also be a good time to examine
your personal views on women’s bodies in
general. The stereotypical ‘body
beautiful’ standard that our culture
exemplifies for women may deserve an adjustment. We
have become prisoners to this image through
advertising, film and other forms of commercial
media. I think pregnant bodies are stunningly
beautiful and a miracle of nature.
If your sexual desire is higher than hers at
this time acknowledge it, however, be conscious as
to how you resolve it. Infidelity can appear to be
a solution but rarely is a satisfying one in
reality. It can also have long lasting consequences
on your relationship and family. Also be aware of
infidelities of the mind, which may not actually
manifest physically. It is possible to redirect
your sexual energy into another form of intimacy
which you can all benefit from. Work with your
thoughts, if you find yourself mentally straying,
and find new ways to become closer to your partner
and to express your love.
Using affirmations may support you.
“Change is safe.” “I love my partner
as she is.”
“I am satisfied with my life.”
Intimacy
Intimacy typically involves a close and loving
connection between two people. It can be expressed
and experienced in various ways; sex is only one of
them. This time has the possibility to bring you
and your partner closer together and provide you
with a focal point for your love. Having a baby can
be the most intimate and creative process two
humans will ever know. Patience and the willingness
to open your heart and trust the process will
enhance your experience considerably.
A very important detail for men to know is that
a woman’s need for intimacy, touching and
holding is often increased during this time. Make
an effort to tell her how special she is and how
much she means to you. Express how much you
appreciate who she is, as well as what she is doing
through nurturing your child. Following is one
possibility.
Come together with your
partner. Be sure you have the time and space to be
alone and undisturbed. Make yourselves comfortable
and sit facing each other. Gently, kindly gaze into
each others eyes. You may also want to lightly hold
hands. Notice your breathing, perhaps even breath
together; within the same cycle of in-breath and
out-breath. Take the opportunity to ‘fall in
love’ all over again. Notice this amazing and
extraordinary person before you. Recall each
other’s qualities and attributes that attract
you. Look deeply into each other’s eyes and
notice who is there, really there. You may also
want to lie down and hold each other while eye
gazing. You could do this regularly throughout the
pregnancy. Working your way up to 20 minutes or
more at a time would be great. A similar approach
during labour can also be mutually supportive.
Remember she is your life partner, friend and
lover. It is important to treat her as a woman, but
not always as a pregnant woman. Of course connect
with her belly, touch it, kiss it, and speak to
your baby inside but individually acknowledge her.
Pregnancy is a new facet that has expanded who she
is as a woman, but not the sum total of her parts.
She, usually, does not want too much of her
identity attached to her growing belly or the baby
inside. An error many people make when
communicating with a pregnant woman is that they
relate to her belly first and foremost. The same
principle applies once your baby is born. Mother
and child are individuals. Acknowledge and
recognise each of them individually.
To me, love is an action verb. It is not just an
emotional concept. It is an expression AND
demonstration of how we feel (as opposed to just a
feeling) and as such involves a type of doing. How
many ways can you find to express your love to your
family?
Some sample affirmations
are: “I love my partner”. “I welcome
the changes that are happening.” “I love
being part of their intimacy and supporting
it.” “I am always included.” Listen
in and be gentle with yourself. What are your
underlying thoughts and what new ones will better
support everyone?
Relationships
Research, in the fields of science and
psychology, has found that babies, during their
time in the womb, are aware of the experience they
are having. They are also making complex decisions
about these events. According to Dr. Yehudi Gordon,
a UK pioneer of active birth and integrated birth
healthcare, “During the primal period, your
baby will learn more than in any other decade of
her life. In the womb she hears noises and senses
emotions.” 9 ref 9
For each of us our time in the womb and early
infancy was the beginning of our experience of
intimacy and relationships. This is our original
point of reference for relationships. We were in
the centre of our mother’s world and we were
experiencing life with and through her, physically
and emotionally. Depending on how that was for you
and your mother it could provide you with a
fantastic model for your own relationships. If it
had ‘negative’ elements it could also
influence your own ability to form, keep or trust
relationships. You may be compelled to leave or
abandon relationships if that experience was dire
in some ways. Decisions made regarding
relationships, even ones from your preverbal time
in the womb, can have an impact and be long
lasting. And you can change them.
You may want to reflect on your own experience
of relationships to see if you can identify any
patterns you want to explore further. Memories of
your time in the womb may seem inaccessible.
However, you have access to your experience during
that time through noticing how relationships have
worked out for you, throughout our life. If there
have been repeated patterns in your personal
relationship history this may be a clue regarding
earlier events and decisions you may have made.
There are also numerous therapeutic approaches you
could use for exploring and healing this, if you
choose.
A mother-to-be is growing a baby, inside of her
body. Once she becomes pregnant there is an inner
directed, non-stop process underway. As men we will
never know just what being pregnant is like for a
woman. However, what we can do is gather
information and prepare ourselves, as best we can,
so we can make the greatest possible contribution
to our family. Welcome this opportunity to build on
your relationship. Giving her regular massage is
usually welcomed. This can be head, neck,
shoulders, feet or whole body. Many women also
place a high value on men doing things like
projects around the house, things that will help
prepare the home for the baby. This has actually
been known to be a turn-on for some women.
You may think a father’s physical
experience came and went some time ago. Well not
entirely. There are men who experience pregnancy
symptoms of their own. Some fathers have hormonal
changes and resulting emotional shifts. There are
also those who have food sensitivities and cravings
as well as lower back pain and weight gain. This is
well documented and actually common. I suspect it
is the result of the depth of connection between
the parents and between a father and his child. It
has been called the couvade. There are also
cultures where the father goes off to ‘give
birth’ while the mother is in labour.
Reducing Stress
Life today can be full to overflowing with fast
paced activities and demands on your time. In
addition, your lack of familiarity with pregnancy,
birth and fathering may evoke insecurities, which
can engender various fears. Stress can be the
result. This is normal and there are a variety of
ways you can assure your own wellbeing and that of
your family.
Interestingly, the original use of the word
stress was in relation to structural engineering.
It denotes how much pressure or strain a piece of
building material or a structure can withstand,
before collapse. It is little wonder society uses
the same word to apply to a human condition.
Stress can be compounded by how you think about
a situation or activity rather than just the actual
activity itself. Perhaps, with the proper guidance
and practice, you can avert some of the stress in
the first instance.
Fear
Fear can come from thoughts about possible
‘bad’ outcomes of future events. Think
about life: fear about money (I will not have
enough), fear about safety (possible injury,
birth), fear about time (there will not be enough),
and fear about fathering (I will not be good
enough). Without diminishing the importance of any
of these concerns, it is valuable to notice they
are all fears regarding the future. They are not
‘real’, in present time. We can have
trepidation about what might happen. A very large
percentage of what we tend to be concerned about
never actually comes to pass. It is also these
types of mental distractions that are likely to
generate stress.
Fearful thoughts can also deprive us of
experiencing the joy and satisfaction in whatever
we are doing at any moment. In this way, we devalue
our current activity. We miss part of its value by
becoming distracted with the fear. It is important
to remember that you have a choice about what you
are thinking and to choose your thoughts with care.
Remember to use the numerous tools and techniques
presented throughout this book to support you in
making helpful choices.
We often make decisions and hold beliefs from
the past that we are not consciously aware of. If
these were ‘negative’ in their impact on
us, and left unresolved, they can add significant
stress to our lives. There can be a contradiction
between what we believe, reinforced by past
experiences, and what we want now. This is
especially true during important events or
activities like relationships, birth and
fathering.
My Fathers-To-Be colleague Elmer Postle has
observed:
As we approach the subject of birth, we
may notice feelings and bodily sensations arise.
I was recently driving with a work colleague and
our discussion landed on what we thought about
birth. He said that every time he got into a
conversation about birth he would notice his
throat tightening, his breathing speed up and
becoming flushed. It seemed our chatting in the
car was touching the same sensations for him. I
suggested it might be a memory from his own
birth. He looked surprised though immediately
said: “I was born by caesarean, they said I
was too big to fit down the birth canal, I was a
'fat bastard’''.
This was clear information to me about the
nature of his birth. It was also accompanied by
a sense of shame and wrongness and linked with
how others held him responsible for the manner
of his delivery. The symptoms he described
suggested it was not resolved. In a few seconds
the pace of our interaction was showing signs of
speeding up considerably. I felt both blessed he
had told me this about himself and concerned
about properly dealing with the feelings that
were arising. I told him that the feelings and
sensations he reported when discussing the
subject of birth were ‘of interest to me
and were significant’. The sense of
emergency and the pace in our conversation then
slowed down and we were able to pleasurably
re-enter everyday conversation and finish our
day’s work.
I later asked myself: What unresolved story
is he carrying towards becoming a father and the
birth of any children he might ultimately have?
What could truly be helpful? My simply saying,
“yes, those could be relevant and accurate
responses to something that happened at your
birth”, allowed another gentler option to
be considered.
Begin to notice when your body and mind are
giving you signals. Repetitive, fearful thoughts
can compound each other and their effect on you. If
you notice yourself clenching your fists, having a
knot in your belly, fidgeting or your heart rate
increasing then pause and take a few deep breaths.
The activation of these responses may be a result
of experiences from your past. Current traumas can
resurrect past traumas. Notice what the actual
truth about a situation is. Is there a genuine
reason to be afraid? Is there a real threat of some
kind? If not, aim to restructure your view of an
event or situation. Affirmations could be
useful.
Time
Time is a key area people tend to stress over.
Managing time can be a challenge when becoming a
father. You may have many tasks and people wanting
to have your attention, in addition to the
requirements of your new role.
Two significant factors regarding time are how
we prioritise our use of it and how we think about
it. Time has an illusionary quality to it. We each
have twenty-four hours in a day to accomplish our
lives, and we do. However, if we are not careful,
we can fall into the trap of thinking that there is
not enough time. How we think about it is important
to our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Remind yourself regularly that you always have
enough time to do what needs to get finished
now.
There is a modern day concept called
‘multi-tasking’. Perhaps this is a
misnomer. Can we actually do more than one thing at
a time? My computer can do several things at one
time, if I tell it to, but I make the requests
individually and sequentially. The very nature of
this multi-tasking concept is perhaps indicative of
modern society and how we view our relationship to
time. We think that we need to do multiple things
at the same time in order to accomplish what is
required of us. Slow down; be with what you are
doing now. Allow yourself to enjoy the task at
hand.
At this point in your life prioritising time
will become more important than ever. You will want
to thoughtfully balance your work commitments with
your new family ones. Speak with your partner about
this and together do your best to get the balance
that works for your family.
It is important to take the opportunity to
engage with your new baby, while in the womb, and
allow bonding to begin. You could get very close to
your partner’s belly and speak to your child.
You might even speak so quietly that only your
child can hear…it will be your little secret
together. Acknowledge the relationship that already
exists between you, but simply is not visible yet.
This early period is precious and endearing. Take
time off work if possible, a day or afternoon here
and there, to be with your partner and your
developing child. Take walks, hold each other and
take time to connect. Speak about your new family
and life together. Include your baby.
Being Present
Another way we can become stressed is by doing
one activity while thinking we should be doing
something different. Being with your partner, while
you are thinking that you should be working (or
vice versa) will diminish the quality of your
experience of both. If you are fully engaged in an
activity it can be referred to as ‘being
present’. This is having your mind, emotions
and body all engaged in the same activity. We have
all watched a sunset, danced a dance or been with
our lover and had no other thoughts or concerns
during that period; time stood still. These are
typically the type of events during which we are
fully present. You may notice there is no stress
involved in such activities. You can expand your
capacity for being present. Being with your partner
in this way, truly present, is what each of you
deserves.
Working with the
following affirmations can be helpful.
“I always have enough
time.” “I am enough, I do enough, I have
enough.”
“I am always in the right place, at the right
time, doing the right
thing.”
Breathing
Utilising the breath can be a very useful for
releasing and managing stress. The breath has the
ability, when used with awareness, to positively
influence your physical, mental and emotional
wellbeing.
Physiologically, breathing is automatic; you do
not have to think about it. This is similar to your
heart beating; however breathing is also under your
conscious control. In stressful situations you can
alter your breathing to help you manage the energy
in your body and still your mind and emotions. At
peak times, for example during birth, if you notice
you are breathing hard or fast you can consciously
slow down your breath and you will begin to relax.
Likewise, if you notice you are holding your
breath, you can begin breathing, gently. Your mind
and body will favourably respond by become
calmer.
During a quiet time,
observe your breath coming and going from your
body; give it a colour or visual representation
that works for you. Perhaps see your breath as a
wheel, circular, so that the in-breath and the
out-breath are continuous, flowing around and
through your body. You can make use of your breath
at any time and during any activity. Notice that by
becoming aware of your breathing and creating a
rhythm and pace with it you tend to be more
peaceful.
There are also therapeutic uses for the breath
which can be immensely valuable. Therapeutic
Breathwork is guided by a practitioner/counsellor.
Various methods use conscious, intentional
breathing to explore and release unconsciously held
beliefs and emotional attachments to past
experiences.10 REF 10
Meditation
Meditation can be utilised by anyone in very
simple forms. It could provide you with valuable
support at this time. Find relaxing surroundings, a
quiet place where you can be alone. Simply sit or
lie down, make yourself comfortable and close your
eyes. You could visualise a place where you can
feel relaxed if you like. This may be in a garden
or by water. You might imagine a make-believe place
or one you know. Allow yourself to go into deep
relaxation. This may or may not come right away for
you. With patience, the sensation will grow. Allow
your thoughts to slow down and become fewer. During
meditation it can also be useful to watch your
breath and regulate it to enhance your
experience.
Another option with meditation is to choose a
word (known as a mantra) to help you to focus your
attention. Find a word that represents something
peaceful to you. Repeatedly and gently call the
word to mind as you relax. This will help to draw
your attention away from thoughts about the
activities of life. Focusing a part of your mind on
a mundane task, like repeating a word, allows the
space for the rest of the mind to relax. Meditation
will contribute significantly to your
wellbeing.
It can also be mutually supportive to meditate
with your partner. Sit quietly together, in
silence. This is also a great time to get in touch
with your baby. He is in stillness much of the time
and is very receptive to contact with you. When the
actual time of birth arrives, this skill will be
invaluable.
You can practise for a
few minutes here and there or, even better,
20 minutes twice a day. Relaxing music may be
helpful
or you may prefer silence. Choose what works for
you.
Any amount of practice is
beneficial.
©2008, Patrick
Houser
* * *
Patrick
Houser is a father and a grandfather. His second
son's arrival was the first waterbirth in the U.S.
This led him into nearly 25 years of support for
both choices and working with parents. He has
gained wide experience from various fields
including a degree in marketing, owning a
construction firm and a natural health centre.
Patrick is a Life Coach and co-founder of
Fathers-To-Be, a new concept in antenatal
education, for men. Fathers-To-Be also offers
consulting and training for health service
providers. E-Mail
or www.fatherstobe.org
These articles are excerps from his book
Fathers-To-Be
Handbook: A road map for the transition
to fatherhood.
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