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June
Chapter 5: Gifts For The Mother And Child
“The most important thing that a
father
can do for his children is to love their
mother.”
- Hesburgh
Following will be various additional suggestions
of ways in which you can support your partner and
child. Some are practical in nature and others are
more experiential.
If you are a first time father you may feel
unsure about exactly what your role is. Your
partner’s role is certainly obvious and she
has the advantage of operating under the physical
imperative that she is the one carrying the baby.
Your baby’s role is not in question either and
may seem effortless and automatic. What if there is
something special that your family needs and you
are the only one who can provide it? Would you want
to know what it is?
Empathy and understanding are invaluable here.
Understanding others and their unique experience of
life can go a long way towards helping you know how
to best support them. Following is an exercise in
empathy. You will be guided to imagine yourself in
the role of a mother and a baby during the time of
pregnancy. As you do this notice your thoughts,
feelings and sensations in your body. These are
feedback mechanisms which you can learn from.
Empathy Exercise: A baby during
pregnancy
Imagine that you are a baby in the womb, very
small and in a constant state of growth. What can
you picture that you want for yourself while in the
womb? Remember that the baby is present for
everything the mother experiences: hears, thinks,
feels and does. What would you want your
parents’ relationship to be like? What kind of
input would you like from your father? What is
important to you? Remember things like sounds,
nourishment, physical awareness, emotional
environment, people and more. Consider this time,
as a baby develops physically, mentally and
emotionally over these months.
Sit back, close your eyes and imagine
being a baby, growing inside a womb. It is your
choice as to how you work with these suggestions
.You may want to just imagine your responses or
write them out. These explorations may take you
deeper than you had imagined.
Be gentle with yourself and get support if you need
it.
A woman during pregnancy
Now imagine you are a pregnant woman. You are
feeling emotions as never before. You may be
experiencing doubts and fears, joys and elation. It
can seem as if your body and mind are being taken
over by someone or something else. Your body is
changing externally as well from being a woman to
also include being a mother. How do you feel about
these changes? What supports you to be able to do
the job at hand as well as still manage your life
and relationships? What kind of support would you
like to have from the father? What is it like to be
in such close contact with another?
Sit back and really imagine what this
would be like. What do you need and want during
this most extraordinary time? Imagine you are a
pregnant woman and you have a baby growing inside
of you.
Morning Wellness
In 1980 my then wife, Kathryn, and I were on
vacation in Hawaii. She began waking in the
mornings with nausea, although otherwise healthy.
We had been eagerly working on having a second
child. After a couple of days, reality dawned and
we became aware she was pregnant. We were thrilled,
but the nausea persisted. We wondered about dealing
with the nausea using affirmations. We wanted to
explore the nausea as a possible psychosomatic
response to the pregnancy. Was there a conflict
between her conscious and unconscious thoughts
about having another child?
We already understood that a possible emotional
component to nausea had to do with ‘digesting
new ideas’. We knew this from working with the
book Heal Your Body, by Louise Hay.8
We were experienced with affirmations and their
value in changing long held beliefs. However, we
had never tried using affirmations in order to
resolve so immediate an issue like nausea. We were
curious just how much influence they could
have.
Kathryn put pen and paper next to the bed and
when she awoke the next morning, with nausea, she
began writing. She wrote an affirmation and then
paused and listened in to see if she had a
harmonious internal response, or not. Her writing
was an exploration of her thoughts, feelings and
beliefs; not just the inputting of words or
phrases. She wrote that she was happy about the
pregnancy; her response was not an enthusiastic
yes. She wrote that this was the perfect time to
get pregnant; she discovered inner conflict. She
also uncovered residual fear, based on the
possibility of repeating the traumatic experience
of giving birth to our first child. She wrote that
she really wanted another child now; however
discovered hesitation.
Keep in mind that Kathryn wanted another child
and yet for her there were previously unresolved
issues at work, unconsciously. Over the next few
days she repeated this process first thing in the
morning. Each day the nausea was less intense and
dissipated more quickly. By the fourth day she
awoke completely at ease and welcoming our new
child.
I have recommended this technique to many
mothers since 1980 and they have reported a very
high rate of success and subsequently expressed
much gratitude. This is one of many examples of how
what we think, even though we are unaware of the
thoughts, can have an effect in our lives. There
can also be physiological components inherent in
what is called morning sickness. This is not to say
that affirmations will be effective for everyone or
that they are to be considered a cure, but
certainly worth a try.
Midwives and Birth Coaches
The people who will support you during the birth
are important and are best when in alignment with
yours and your partner’s wishes. This includes
healthcare professionals. It is key to have support
from people who have confidence in the fundamental
healthiness of birth and the capability of a woman
to carry it out. Know who you are inviting into
your family experience, if at all possible. In a
hospital setting this may be a challenge. However
do what you can and consciously assert yourself to
achieve the best results possible.
There is great value in having your own
dedicated midwife, especially one who understands
the inherent safety of birth. The type of committed
support they can provide is profound. Another very
real value is the continuity of care that you
receive by having the same professional with you
throughout the labor and birth. The birth of this
child will be a one time only experience for you,
your partner and especially your child. You all
deserve the most loving and supportive people and
environment possible. Only accept what feels right
to the two of you. This is your family’s
birth.
A professional birth coach (also known as a
doula) is a trained birth attendant. She is
dedicated to you and trained in supporting your
family during the birthing time. She can be a very
valuable asset to you and your partner. She can
also free you up to be the loving support person
for your partner rather than the one expected to be
a coach or a birth professional. If you can be
freed up to do just the loving support I highly
recommend it. You could have an private midwife
and/or birth coach with you at home or in the
hospital.
There are usually extra financial costs involved
in having a private midwife or doula. Some people
are perplexed as to why they should spend extra
money on a birth when a service is already
provided, typically by your insurance company. Have
you spent money on a wedding, house, vacation or
car? Were you careful about planning and being sure
you got what you really wanted for these items or
events? Did you consider the short term and long
term value or return on investment for them?
Although birth may seem like a brief moment in time
the impact is lasting and paramount for your child.
Your family deserves the best support you can
afford.
Also consider having male support to back you
up. He would probably not be in the birthing room,
but nearby. You may need a break, someone to talk
to or to get something you may need. He could sit
at the door or just be available by phone to
provide reassurance for you. This alone can be very
valuable. You will be in a very strong supporting
role and you need support as well.
Listening and Fixing
A pregnant woman is under the influence of
spectacular hormones day and night. These hormones,
more likely than not, will cause her to experience
deep emotions more frequently. A man, typically,
wants to immediately fix whatever is not to a
woman’s liking. Many men have what I call the
‘fixing gene’. It has not been proved yet
by science, however the anecdotal evidence is
overwhelming. Fixing is not necessarily what is
always called for however.
A friend of mine, Peter, was with his partner
who was very upset. She began to rant, which was
not uncommon for her. Peter did something out of
the ordinary for him, he listened. He did not
speak. He nodded his head in response to specific
points she made. He made sincere sounds that
indicated he understood what she was going through,
yet he used no words. He did not take anything she
said personally, even though some of it was aimed
directly at him. He also did not try to defend
himself. He resisted the temptation to try to make
her feel better, fix it for her, or do anything.
Peter told me that what followed was some of the
best sex they had had in months.
There is a clue here, rather than the outcome
being a coincidence. Women place a high value on
being listened to. We all want to feel that we are
being heard. This doubles for a woman and
quadruples for a pregnant woman. This is what I
call simple math. Being heard is a significant
aspect of intimacy for women. They will feel closer
to you as a result. They feel accepted and valued;
they relax and feel safer. We all do actually.
Listen for the words, “Will you please fix
XYZ”, or “Would you do something about
XYZ”. If you do not hear these or similar
words the chances are that fixing is not what she
wants or needs as an outcome. Pause, take a breath
and listen.
A Fathers-To-Be participant of ours and his
partner have established a once a week
‘talking stick’ time. They realized they
were getting carried away with all of the intensity
of life and the pregnancy and were not connecting
in a way that was satisfying for them. They plan a
specific time to have an intentional conversation
and connect with each other on more than just daily
activities. A stick, or other convenient object, is
passed back and forth and used to designate whose
turn it is to speak. The other person listens and
says nothing. This practice comes from Native
American tradition. They established this during
the pregnancy and were still using it almost a year
later. They find it continues to support their
relationship.
Lightening Up
The sheer volume of new experiences during this
time can become overwhelming if you let them.
Instead you can address some events and situations
with wonder and wit. Be willing to discover the
humor in what is happening. Find ways to make your
partner laugh. Laughter can shift emotional energy
better than anything else and there may be a time
or two that movement is what is called for.
Anyone who has ever seen the naked profile of a
woman who is nine months pregnant has got to be
amazed at the capacity of the female body to
change. No other living thing on this planet
displays this. What about those breasts? Her cup
size multiplies in a matter of weeks. And just wait
until you see them shoot milk across the room. And
the baby, well, the phrase ‘bodily
functions’ will soon take on a whole new
connotation. You are going to have a front row seat
and a leading role. Enjoy the process.
Acceptance
A woman, during the birthing time, has a
particular job to do. She is being driven by many
physiological and emotional elements. As a gift to
your family, consider practicing unconditional
acceptance of your partner. Practically, this means
accepting her and all of her actions. In other
words, suspend all judgments. Say yes (at least
silently) to her state of mind, body and emotions.
Be willing to listen to whining, body symptoms,
emotional issues and complaints about you and the
rest of the world. This does not mean you agree
with her on everything but that you accept her and
the experience she is having. Avoid arguments if
possible. Attempt to not take things personally,
especially during labor. Take a few deep breaths
before responding, especially if she has a go at
you. Being right, and winning arguments in
relationships, is way overrated. This practice will
also contribute to your child’s wellbeing
significantly. Your partner will produce fewer
stress hormones and will be more relaxed and as a
result the baby’s environment will be as
well.
Bruce Lipton, Ph.D. explains it
scientifically:
“During pregnancy, the
parent’s perception of the environment is
chemically communicated to the fetus through the
placenta, the cellular barrier between the
maternal and fetal blood. The mother’s
blood-borne emotional chemicals cross the
placenta and affect the same target cells in the
fetus as those in the parent. Though the
developing child is "unaware" of the details
(i.e., the stories) evoking the mother’s
emotional response, they are aware of the
emotion’s physiological consequences and
sensations.
While developing in the safety and
confinement of the uterus, the child is provided
a preview of the environment as it is defined by
the parent’s perception and behavior.
Parental behaviors’ are generally cyclic,
and when repeated, they serve to habituate the
developing behavioral chemistry in the fetus.
Consequently, parental perceptions and responses
to environmental stress are imparted to the
offspring and serve in programming its
behavioral expression.”9
This is not to say that every moment of a
pregnancy needs to be perfect or that damage will
occur if it is otherwise. Emotional honesty and
expression is healthy. Raising emotional issues
that need to be cleared is very important, as you
are learning throughout this book. However,
repetitive and sustained states of emotional or
physical stress can have a compounded effect on
your baby. This is similar to adults, except babies
are more vulnerable.
To accomplish acceptance, to whatever degree you
can, is a profound undertaking. The by-product is
tremendous freedom for both of you. When you stop
the mental chatter about others and allow them to
be as they are you gain great benefit. Accept her,
accept yourself, and accept a new level of inner
peace.
Welcome
Welcome is a profound greeting. Recall how you
have felt when someone said “Welcome” to
you, and really meant it. World-wide, various
rituals are practiced within tribes, cultures and
families to demonstrate welcome to a new child and
the parents. One common western tradition is having
a baby shower. There are other cultures where a
ceremony is performed to welcome a child before
conception. He is welcomed again once pregnancy
occurs and, of course, once the he is born. Imagine
what it would be like to be told you are welcome
and to always feel welcome. My wife’s
grandfather bought her a pony and commissioned a
customized pony saddle for her when her arrival was
announced. They lived in Texas. This was his way of
expressing his welcome. How would you like to
welcome and invite your child into your family?
Perhaps create your own ritual, or borrow one.
Following is a lovely alternative for demonstrating
welcome, written by Laura Uplinger and Jack
Bresnahan.
Threesome
Within an intimacy, take your hands
and hold them to your partner’s pregnant
belly.
With the three of you gathered together,
have a conversation about this family.
Talk about who you are.
About your home, your life, ideas, hopes,
dreams.
“Your mom and I were picturing your
first taste of chocolate ice cream.”
“Your dad wants to take you sailing.”
“Welcome to this tough old world.
You will make a difference.”
“What a joy you are! We’re honored to be
yours.”
“Count on us.”
Then give all three of you a deep felt family
kiss.
©2009, Patrick
Houser
* * *
Patrick
Houser is a father and a grandfather. His second
son's arrival was the first waterbirth in the U.S.
This led him into nearly 25 years of support for
both choices and working with parents. He has
gained wide experience from various fields
including a degree in marketing, owning a
construction firm and a natural health centre.
Patrick is a Life Coach and co-founder of
Fathers-To-Be, a new concept in antenatal
education, for men. Fathers-To-Be also offers
consulting and training for health service
providers. E-Mail
or www.fatherstobe.org
These articles are excerps from his book
Fathers-To-Be
Handbook: A road map for the transition
to fatherhood.
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