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Can a Male Feminist Lead?
The intention of this piece was three-fold. First,
it was to emphasize that our work as
feminist/pro-feminist men is a part of our daily
lives in addition to our
political/activist-oriented work. Second, it was
written to emphasize that our personal work is a
work in progress, not ever a completed task. Last,
it was written to emphasize the importance of being
vulnerable and honest with yourself and with others
as you continue to develop as a person and as a
feminist.
Approximately three years ago, I began working
on the Women’s Studies (WS) committee at a
small college in the Boston area. The WS committee
is responsible for various tasks, including
overseeing the courses in the minor (at the moment
there is no major in WS), advising students,
planning WS educational and activist-oriented
events, and advocating for students regarding
issues pertaining to women.
Not surprisingly, the bulk of the members of
this committee are women. Most of them are faculty
members in various departments including biology,
fine arts, nursing, English, and sociology/criminal
justice. There are also student members who are
almost exclusively women. In the past three years,
there have been three full-time members who have
been men and one male student for a brief time.
While there have been men and women members,
leadership positions have been filled by women.
As a member of this committee and as a
participant in several campus activities, I have
been very active and outspoken about my concerns
about various areas of college life. Recently, I
was invited by one of the deans to be on a task
force made up of various people on campus to
examine issues of safety across the campus. At
first I assumed that they wanted me to represent
Women’s studies, but through some discussions
we all decided that another member of the WS
committee would act as the official committee
representative on this task force. However, it was
understood by the WS committee that I would be one
of two people that also represented WS
concerns.
Recently, I was invited by one of the deans to
be on a task force made up of various people on
campus to examine issues of safety across the
campus.
Being placed in this position brought about some
anxiety for me.
Being placed in this position brought about some
anxiety for me. The question of how to take on a
position of leadership and continue to develop a
feminist identity brings up some difficult
contradictions and past experiences. I wondered how
does a male feminist act in a way that is assertive
and in accordance with his own needs without
reasserting typical patriarchal behaviors? In other
words, how do we make sense of being in a
leadership role without participating in the
dominating and dismissive qualities often
associated with men who are ‘in-charge’?
Can a male feminist lead?
I took my role on the task force very seriously,
attending all of the weekly meetings. I researched
what other colleges are doing (and not doing) in
response to sexual violence. Progress on the task
force had been slow and difficult, but we drafted
and submitted proposals for policy changes to the
administration. Some changes are already being
implemented and we are hopeful that the rest will
be implemented soon. The whole process has been
overwhelming, but I survived. It often felt like an
exercise in frustration, disempowerment, and
alienation, quite the opposite of how I feel when
working with the WS committee.
Throughout the semester, I have also been
updating the WS committee on the work of the task
force and concerns that I have had. In these
meetings, I have often been very pessimistic and
presented myself in an overwhelmed fashion. Looking
back, I feel that this daunting task of being on
the task force contributed to my presenting
information in a deterministic/fatalistic way. I
often reported information as if further
intervention would not change things for the
better. WS members certainly had the opportunity to
ask questions or request that I (or my colleague)
do certain things differently, but my presentation
may have set a context for people to censor input.
Why would they get involved when the tone of my
message was seemingly so negative?
For example, one member requested that we
collect data on students’ concerns about these
safety issues. In fact, the WS committee had
previously developed a survey that particular
committee members wanted to utilize. But rather
than genuinely pursue the idea, I argued that the
survey was irrelevant by citing numerous examples
from the past to prove my point. Looking back, I
feel that my tactics in this matter were too heavy
handed and inappropriate. As someone concerned
about the voices of others, especially those of
women in the WS committee, I realized later that I
may not really be hearing and representing
others’ needs well. Granted, I technically
wasn’t the WS committee representative on the
task force, but I wasn’t pro-actively trying
to understand and voice what the WS committee
members needed. I wasn’t acting in a way that
is in accordance with the kind of feminist man I
want to be. Why did this happen? Did the other WS
committee members perceive it this way?
It wasn’t until I
started writing this piece
that I even realized that I may have been
alienating my allies....
It wasn’t until I started writing this
piece that I even realized that I may have been
alienating my allies in the WS committee. I do
believe I had been a strong advocate for
women’s issues and certainly was extremely
assertive on the task force. However, the process
made me feel overwhelmed, negative, confused, and
even appalled at times. I should have asked for
support. I did chat with one of my colleagues about
the task force, but more often the chats focused on
my frustration, rather than how ineffectual,
alienated or dehumanized I felt. Because I
didn’t reach out for emotional support from my
colleagues, I ultimately stayed feeling that
way.
Some of this experience for me seems to be about
how men often don’t want to ask for help. Men
suffer in silence because we think that we should
be able to handle any hurdle that comes our way.
This ‘tough guise’ (to borrow Jackson
Katz’s term) contributes to all kinds of
health related problems, both physical and
psychological. Let’s keep the concept of
‘asking for help’ as a type of
vulnerability, often more associated with women, in
the back of our minds for the moment.
Admitting that I need help sometimes does feel
like I have failed in some way. Perhaps I felt like
less of a feminist because I wasn’t meeting
some expectations I had of myself. And the irony is
that this pressure does NOT come from the group of
women in WS who I work with, but rather it comes
from me. I put the pressure on myself to be able to
do something, to change something, and when I am
unable to meet the expectation in a way that is
satisfactory, my identity as a feminist man
suffers. But that isn’t the primary reason for
my feelings of discomfort.
I felt like less of a feminist because I
wasn’t meeting some expectations I had of
myself.
For me, the core concern is the fear of what
will happen if I ask for help and it isn’t
given. So the reason for not asking for help
isn’t so much feeling vulnerable but being
concerned about how others will react to my
vulnerability. Being vulnerable in this way can be
particularly difficult for men because others often
don’t know how to respond to it. In this
sense, a man is actively and purposefully choosing
to behave in a way that is more associated with
behaviors expected from women. I have had numerous
instances in my own life where I have been mocked,
humiliated, and denigrated for taking such a risk.
Such experiences make it difficult for me to take
such a risk. I did not imagine that the WS
committee would humiliate me in some way had I
asked for help (since my past experiences have been
very positive with this group), but because at a
deep level I am very aware of how often the culture
responds negatively to this kind of behavior from
men I may not take this risk as often as I
could.
Some feminist men struggle with a conscious
desire to challenge patriarchy in the culture and
in their own lives, and may also be concerned that
when they incorporate more feminine qualities in
their lives that they may relive some of the shame
and humiliation they have suffered in a world that
is misogynistic towards both women and the
qualities associated with them. I know several
feminist men who have taken these kinds of risks
and have been denigrated, or perhaps at a lighter
level ‘teased’ by their partners and
friends. So not only does the culture at large
reject you, but at times, it can feel like your
allies are rejecting you.
Returning to my task force experience, I think
that this fear kept me from asking for emotional
help and ultimately contributed to an atmosphere
where I could not be the person I truly want to be.
I don’t think that people on the WS committee
are furious with me and ready to kick me off, at
least I hope not, but I do think that I could have
been a better representative and advocate.
So perhaps this piece seems to argue that a
feminist man can’t do well in a leadership
position (or at least this one isn’t doing so
well). But that is not my conclusion. Being a
feminist man does not mean I need to be perfect.
But it does mean that I need to continue to be
aware of the process of challenging myself and to
hold myself responsible for my interactions with
others. Perhaps that is the element of leadership
that becomes the most important.
All of us must examine the conditions that keep
us distanced from one another.
It also means that if feminist men are going to
be able to continually develop and challenge
patriarchy within ourselves and within the culture
that we will need our men and women feminist allies
to be open to challenging their own discomfort with
men being ‘feminine’. We must work
together on this in order for it to improve. By
including women here, it is not an attempt to blame
women for patriarchy or to put the burden of
responsibility of men’s emotional needs on
women. Men must take responsibility for their
dominant role in maintaining this unjust system and
recognize how women have historically been viewed
as being responsible for caretaking men. However,
women must also examine their own internalized
misogyny which can become apparent when men attempt
to be more ‘feminine’. All of us must
examine the conditions that keep us distanced from
one another. I feel very fortunate to have
wonderful men and women allies in my personal life,
on the WS committee and through NOMAS that are
committed to this goal.
As you are reading this piece, I have already
begun discussing my concerns about my perceived
lack of pro-active inclusive behavior with the WS
committee (I have spoken with two members already)
and plan to officially discuss it at our WS meeting
in January. The work continues. I would love to
hear how other feminist men have struggled with
this issue. Please feel free to write to me at the
address below.
©2007, NOMAS - Boston
Pro-Feminist
Ally Organizations
* * *
Jack Kahn is currently co-chair
(internal relations) of the Boston chapter of the
National Organization for Men Against Sexism
(NOMAS). He has published articles and presented
numerous workshops on topics of diversity and is
currently doing research exploring the identity
formation of men that embrace feminism.
www.nomasboston.org
or E-Mail
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