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Dust Bunnies in your Closet
Recently a high school in Troy Michigan received
media attention for displaying a poster created by
the Detroit area Lesbian and Gay Community Center
depicting people from all walks of life, with the
heading, “Gays and Lesbians are Everyday
People.” Some parents demanded that it be
removed because it “promotes
homosexuality.” Thankfully, the Troy school
board is allowing it to stay in place in the high
school.
These parents are sending the message that
there’s something wrong with showing gays and
lesbians as everyday people. Even if it were
“promoting homosexuality” (which
it’s not), what’s wrong with that? And
how do gay children and teenagers feel knowing that
some people want it—and by extension,
them—removed? This only encourages gay
teenagers to stay in the closet, hiding not just
their sexual and romantic orientation. There is
much more at risk.
As Gay Pride Month approaches with festivals,
parades, dances, bar and movie nights, dust bunnies
lingering in our closets cause some sneezing. Most
gays and lesbians don’t realize that just
because you come out with your sexual and romantic
orientation doesn’t mean you are finished
coming out. Also locked away in your closet is
internalized homophobia, which takes many
forms—and Gay Pride celebrations can bring
them to the forefront quickly.
Clients tell me they’re depressed and
unhappy that coming out hasn’t been as
liberating?) as promised by pridefests and National
Coming Out Day. They attend Gay Pride events, but
don’t enjoy them. They wrongly assume
it’s because they have come out, which is not
the case. In reality, the things locked away in
their closets before they came out are causing the
problems. Gay pride can be bittersweet: It can feel
good and celebratory, but can also be troubling and
bring up unresolved feelings about being gay.
When gay males see other shirtless males proudly
exhibiting their torsos, the dust bunnies start to
fly. Many of my gay clients feel inferior about how
their bodies look, and seeing so many hot guys
triggers their low self-esteem. Other gays and
lesbians complain about “stereotypical”
behavior such as men cruising one another, some
dressed as drag queens or kings, dykes on bikes,
leather daddies, effeminate gay men and masculine
lesbian, and say folks at these events are
“giving gays a bad name.” These
internalized homophobic dust bunnies need a good
vacuuming.
Others see lesbian and gay youth at the pride
celebrations and experience regret for not having
come out sooner. It’s normal to regret how
long it took and therefore experience your
normative grief, but to beat yourself up over it is
more about your unresolved dust bunnies.
Some couples go to these events and feel tempted
to cheat or flirt excessively, causing problems in
their relationships. Concern about one’s
partner’s eyes wandering too much can cause
tension and awkward feelings. After attending a
pride event, many think about breaking up with
their partners, believing that based on what they
saw at the festivities, there are better choices
out there.
And finally, if you are a single gay or lesbian
and haven’tmet someone after all of the
celebration, you may think there’s no one out
there right for you, and that you’re destined
to be single forever.
These illusions arise from celebrations that try
to unpack a lifetime of repression in a day, a
weekend or even one month! Here are some ways to
care of yourself during gay pride events:
1. If you persist in feeling badly about
yourself, leave the festivities for a while—or
for good.. Comparing your insides with someone
else’s outsides can never benefit your
self-esteem.
2. If your partner’s roaming eye bothers
you, tell him or her. If the conflict persists,
take a “time out” to talk about it and
decide—together!--if you should both stay or
leave.
3. Keep your drinking to a minimum. When alcohol
is involved, people do and say things they’d
never dream of ordinarily. Pace yourself and use
alcohol to enhance the celebration, not become
it.
4. If you have a strong reaction—either
positive or negative— to others at the
celebrations, remember that it’s most likely
about you. Strong reactive judgments are usually
90% about you and 10% about whomever you‘re
judging. Explore what this reaction says about
you.
5. Volunteer for one of the gay
organizations’ booths and keep focused on how
Gay Pride is about moving forward to keep gay
spirit positive.
6. Go with friends. If your feelings become
difficult to manage, even overwhelming, you’ll
have someone to talk to.
©2008 Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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