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Are You A Sex Addict or Is It Just That You
Are So Irresistible?
I’ve been a specialist in the field of sexual
addiction and compulsivity for almost 20 years.
Clients will ask me if they are a sex addict by the
specifics of what they’re thinking, doing,
and/or wanting to do make them a potential sex
addict. For example, does wanting sex every day, or
twice a night make them an addict?
The surprising truth is that sexual addiction
isn’t about sex at all. Sexual compulsives
behave sexually, but the underlying reason for
their behavior has to do with their “acting
out” something else inside such as sexual
trauma or other forms of childhood abuse or
neglect. To determine whether they’re truly
sex addicts and sexually acting out (SAO), many
factors need to be considered.
Patrick Carnes coined the term sexual addiction
in 1983. His work focuses on how “addictive
sexuality feels shameful, is exploitive,
compromises values, draws on fear for excitement,
reenacts childhood abuses, disconnects one from
oneself, creates a world of unreality, is
self-destructive and dangerous, uses conquest and
power, serves to medicate and kill pain, is
dishonest, becomes routine, requires a double life,
is grim and joyless and demands
perfection”.
I ask heterosexual men and women alike to take
the sexual addiction screening tests (http://www.joekort.com/addiction1_JGH.htm)
that can be found in Patrick Carne’s books,
Out of the Shadows and Don’t Call It Love. For
gay men, I suggest taking the test in my own book
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their
Lives; and for women, I recommend taking the test
in Charlotte Kasl’s book Women, Sex and
Addiction; A Search for Love and Power. While these
tests are anecdotal and not research-based, they
open a dialogue about one’s sexual behavior.
If they point to possible addiction, then we start
to examine what we refer to as one’s
“sexually acting out” (SAO)
behaviors.
To confirm or rule out sexual addiction, the
following ten signs should be explored:
1. A pattern of out-of-control sexual
behavior: Reflecting on one’s past can
illuminate if this patterns exists. Usually someone
with a sexual addiction doesn’t recognize it
until his/her 30s or 40s, when patterns have been
firmly established.
2. Severe consequences as a result of
out-of-control sexual behavior: If you’re
single and don’t have frequent contact with
family and friends, then repercussions of your
out-of-control sexual behavior may not occur as
easily. If you hide your sexual behavior from your
partner and others you’re close to, this too
can result in your remaining unaware of your
addiction. However, anyone with sexual addiction
frequently incurs legal, medical, and relational
consequences. These may include arrests at public
restrooms, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),
overindulging to the point of physical injury (ie:
sores on one’s genitals), and a partner
threatening to leave.
3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or
high-risk sexual behavior: Do you frequently:
have sex without using a condom; give oral sex and
swallow; cruise public areas for sex, knowing you
can be arrested; secretly log onto the Internet at
work or at home and changing the screen as soon as
someone approaches; or have affairs outside of your
partnered relationship?
4. On-going desire or efforts to limit this
behavior: You should be able to easily
determine how much sex you want to engage in, and
how often. Of course at times, you’ll let
desire to overcome you and be spontaneous. But if
allowing your desires to overcome you becomes the
norm—where your desires are making the
decisions, and not you—you might want to
consider that you may have a problem.
5. Inability to stop, despite the
consequences: If you never try to stop, you
won’t know if an inability exists. I tell
clients that after a negative consequence, most
people who don’t have a problem, sexual or
otherwise, will either greatly reduce the
“offending” behavior or give it up
completely. Those who continue in the face of
unpleasant results usually have a problem.
6. Sexual obsession and fantasy are your
chief strategies for coping: Obsession
doesn’t mean thinking about sex every minute
of the day—but of course, it can. It can take
on the following forms: planning time for acting
out sexually; ensuring that you'll have enough
money to spend on SAO; lying and covering up your
escapades; recovering from the effects of SAO;
worrying about an STD or if you’ve passed it
onto a partner; or not using up your libido so
there’s none left for your partner.
7. Increasing your quantity—or
variety—of sexual experience because the
current level no longer satisfies you: Your
participation in SAO is enhanced by
naturally-produced internal drugs like as
adrenaline and endorphins. Tolerance to these drugs
begins to increase, so that over time, you need to
engage in more dangerous behaviors or take higher
risks to get the same sexual high.
8. Severe mood changes centering around
sexual activity: Sex should heighten your self
esteem and intimacy with others. The course of
sexual addiction usually ends in feelings of shame,
depression, and despair over one’s SAO
behavior. Beforehand, looking forward to sexual
behavior usually boosts people’s mood. But
afterward, the addict often reports a lack of sleep
and therefore, being on edge and easily irritated.
If you feel shame after sex, that could indicate
there’s something wrong.
9. Inordinate time spent in looking for
sexual experiences, engaging in them, or recovering
from them: Sex addicts prefer the chase over
the actual behavior; and so spend increasing
amounts of time in Internet chat rooms while
surfing for porn sites. They’ll waste hours,
day or night in bathhouses, at bars and rest areas
in search of numerous hook-ups. The sex they
experience is often a disappointing letdown.
10. Reducing or neglecting other social,
occupational, or recreational activities: The
true sex addict prefers sexual highs and the thrill
of the chase over simply being with others, getting
work done at his/her job and/or making time for fun
and recreation. None of us can totally balance life
perfectly. But if you’re neglecting important
areas of your life to spend time thinking about,
planning for, looking for, and making time for SAO,
that should cause you some concern.
Have you ruled out being a sex addict but still
feel troubled by your sexual behavior? You may
simply have a high sex drive; be in Stage 5 of
coming out of the closet (www.joekort.com/articles17.htm);
or in romantic love—the first stage of a
relationship; acting out childhood sexual abuse, or
other forms of abuse or neglect that cause other
forms of sexual discomfort.
Lastly, are you using sexual behavior to manage
some affective disorder such as depression,
anxiety, manic-depression, or ADHD? The solution is
to read much of the self-help literature
that’s available online and in bookstores and
seek therapy with someone with professional
experience in dealing with SAO.
©2007 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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