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"You Belong to Me": The truth about
sexual abuse
This article’s title reflects the
perpetrator’s belief, that the victim now
belongs to him/her, to do with as he/she desires;
that his or her sexual needs, wants and sexuality
overrules those of the victim’s. The victim
will spend a lifetime unconsciously reenacting
their original sexual abuse or, hopefully, working
on healing it and removing the ill effects of the
perpetrator’s abuse. For sexual abuse
survivors, the nightmare is that they are forced to
keep a sexual secret. Their tormentor threatens to
harm them or someone they love if they ever tell.
So they don’t—giving the perpetrator even
more power. By not going through the healing
process, the victim does belong to their
perpetrator.
Sexual abuse complicates and confuses an
individual’s developing awareness of
sexuality. It does not make a person gay, straight,
bisexual or force sexual or romantic orientation in
any direction. However, it can imprint unwanted
behaviors or absence of behaviors and
desires—and herein lies the
problem—leaving a person’s real sexual
desires hidden, even to him/herself.
A Definition of Sexual Abuse
Whenever one person dominates and exploits
another person through sexual activity or
suggestion, using sexual feelings and behavior to
degrade, humiliate, control, injure or or misuse,
this qualifies as sexual abuse. In The Sexual
Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual
Abuse author and educator Wendy Maltz equates
sexual abuse with a violation of a position of
trust, power and protection, “an act on a
child who lacks emotional & intellectual
maturation.” It promotes sexual secrecy among
its victims, so that even their own sexual drives,
libido, orientation and desires become secrets to
themselves.
Overt sexual abuse involves direct touching,
fondling and intercourse , against a person’s
will. A few examples include French kissing,
fellatio, sodomy, penetration with objects,
genitals and fingers, and masturbation. Use of
force is typically involved—often physical,
but more often psychological or emotional, such as
difference in status or experience, as in
employee/employer, adult/child, older boy/younger
boy.
Covert sexual abuse is more subtle and indirect.
Examples of this include prolonged hugs, sexual
stares, inappropriate comments about body parts
such as buttocks or genitals, shaming someone for
the kind of man they are, (or more frequently,
homophobic name-calling), or treating a child as an
adult or even a partner for emotional support.
Books like Pat Love’s Emotional Incest
Syndrome: What to Do When A Parent’s Love
Rules Your life and Kenneth M. Adams’s
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children
Partners: Understanding Covert Incest do a great
job in reviewing and detailing covert sexual
abuse’s negative effects.
Both gays and straights make the mistake of
connecting sexual abuse with homosexuality. Their
main rationale is that gays and lesbians, must have
been sexually abused; and that being
“homosexual,” means you are a pedophile.
This derives from the old psychoanalytic theory
that one’s sexual orientation is created in
the first few years of development, and that if any
trauma or negative influences “impair”
it, then adolescence offers a second chance at
correcting one’s heterosexuality gone wrong.
Sexual abuse was assumed to be one of the primary
reasons that one could get “confused” and
turn away from innate heterosexuality.
Too many of today’s therapists still
consider this true. Some therapists, even gay and
lesbian therapists, still see adolescence as a time
to help homosexual teenagers re-learn “how to
be heterosexual.” Many insist that homosexual
clients must have been sexually abused I have many
gay and lesbian clients who still believe this,
telling me they must have been sexually abused in
their past, even if they have no memory of such a
thing. And those who were sexually abused assume
that the abuse explains why they’re gay. So
the myth persists, and confusion continues over
sexual abuse and its effects on gays and
lesbians.
Contrary to what so many psychotherapists would
like to believe, there is no evidence that sexual
abuse can shape, much less create, anyone’s
sexual orientation: The only thing it can do is
confuse young people about what their sexual
orientation really is. However, with good therapy
and healing, the sexually abused can come to know
their true sexual and romantic orientation, be it
gay or straight.
Disclosing Your Sexual Abuse
Male survivors of sexual abuse often worry that
in seeking help, they’ll be perceived as
“less of a man.” They worry they will be
seen as less masculine. Of course the male survivor
of sexual abuse fears what others will think of him
because, as Maltz says, “our society gives
boys the message that men should be able to stand
up for themselves and fight off danger.
They’re also told that if a man gets hurt, he
should go it alone instead of seeking
help.”
Many people already believe the old stereotype
that gay men are “more like women.” Even
gay men themselves will discriminate against
effeminate men, saying, “If I wanted women,
I’d have been straight,” and many gay
personal ads specify, “No fems.” This all
creates the mindset that being gay—or at
least, not a macho man—makes you less than
masculine. So for gay men to tell others about
their abuse would only add to the insult that they
are less of a man. Imagine the profound double bind
of being gay and having been sexually abused!
“Because most abuse of males is perpetrated by
other males,” writes Maltz, “heterosexual
male victims may worry that they will be seen as
homosexual if others hear the details of what
occurred. Gay men,” he continues, “may
wonder if the abuse made them gay.”
On the other hand, women are more inclined to go
to therapy. They may not initially realize that
they’ve been sexually abused, but should they
discover it during therapy, they are more willing
to deal with it head-on than their male
counterparts. Lesbians are concerned that their
therapist will try to insist that this abuse is
what “turned them into” lesbians and/or
might worry that this is in fact the case. Gay men
also get this type of feedback and can worry about
this. It’s important to arm yourself with as
much information about sexual abuse as you can.
Learn—for yourself,—where you stand as a
sexual abuse survivor. Do not accept how your
perpetrator, therapists, family or anyone else want
to define you. You need to belong to yourself, as
you really have all along!
©2007 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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