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50 First Marriages: One Person, One
Partner
After Massachusetts legalized marriage for gays and
lesbians in 2004, my partner Mike and me decided to
plan our summer vacation in Provincetown and tie
the legal knot after 11 years together. This
wasn’t our first marriage, however. And there
were no divorces in between—we were never
married to anyone else. And the other 49 marriages
we intend to have will be the same: one state at a
time.
This statement sounds like either a riddle or a
paragraph from the life of Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa
Zsa Gabor. The truth is, we were religiously wed
under Reform Judaism in the fall of 2000. Our
family and friends joined us, and for us it was a
romantic, emotional, affectionate and spiritual
day. However, as we all know, it was not legal.
Under Reform Judaism, all we had to do was agree to
raise our dog Jewish and we assured the rabbi she
would have a “Bark Mitzvah.” For us
though, this marriage was political. We wanted to
be a part of the process of legalizing marriage for
gays by participating as it unfolds. As in the
movie, 50 First Dates, we’re intending to hold
49 more first marriages.
Ironically, only four hours after our legal
nuptials in Massachusetts, we learned that
California had nullified the 4,000 marriages they
licensed over the summer. What a letdown! And we
knew that the minute we returned to Michigan, our
license would be nullified as well —but we
didn’t care. We wanted to go through the
process anyway.
Before arriving in Provincetown, we contacted
Massachusetts officials, who told us that before we
could proceed with the marriage, we needed to have
our blood work done. Upon our arrival, we began
telling people that we were there to be legally
married. Store owners, cab drivers and even people
in restaurants were slipping us the names and phone
numbers of those who will perform gay marriages for
out-of-towners, but they told us to keep it on the
QT. It was like being in the middle of a mystery
novel. But to be honest, it actually made us feel
like second-class citizens.
At town hall, we decided to just go in quietly
and complete the paperwork. Everyone behind the
counter immediately congratulated us. So much for
keeping a low profile! We were ushered to a room
where a lesbian couple from New York was filling
out the same forms. They were very nice, and all
four of us laughed and joked about how this felt so
adult, so “grown up.”
I thought about two books I’ve read, Why
You Should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage by Davina
Kotulaski and Gay Marriage by John Rauch. Both
speak about how we, as gays and lesbians, are
forbidden from joining the adult fraternity of
married couples. I resent that to no end, and
resented it even more after reading it in the
books. I particularly like the way Rauch puts
it:
“Marriage confers status: to be married,
in the eyes of society, is to be grown up. Marriage
creates stakes: someone depends on you. Marriage
creates a safe harbor for sex. Marriage put two
heads together, pooling experience and braking
impulsiveness…We all need domesticating, not
in the veterinary sense but in a more literal,
human sense: We need a home. We are different
people when we have a home: more stable, more
productive, more mature, less self-obsessed, less
impatient, and less anxious.”
He points out that even if you’re not
married, the sheer prospect of marriage is a great
domesticator. “If you hope to get
married,” he writes, “and if your friends
and peers hope to get married, you will socialize
and date more carefully…you make yourself
marriage material.” I am 41 years old, and
have been an adult for long enough that I deserve
to be treated like one.
When Mike and I turned in the paperwork for our
marriage license, pride and honor overwhelmed me.
We fell in love with each other all over again.
Just as when we married religiously before, now
doing it again legally brings back the romantic
times of our early experience together. Marriage is
a way to re-romanticize your relationship!
We were so excited about this political
adventure now turning into an emotional and
romantic one again, that we decided to buy more
rings! Yes, gay men and jewelry jokes aside, we
decided that our initial bands had been engagement
rings. Now, our diamond rings from our religious
ceremony would become our formal religious rings
and our new rings would be our legal rings.
We’re making up gay etiquette as we go
along!
Entering the jewelry store where we found what
we wanted, we discovered that newspapers around
Massachusetts had nicknamed this store “the
Gay Tiffany’s.” A couple who had been
together for 52 years had bought their rings here,
and appeared on “Good Morning America,”
as did these jewelers who sold them the rings. The
jewelers showed us the couple’s photo and
pictures of others who bought rings from their
store and married in P-town. I actually started
crying as I looked at the picture of these two men
who waited 52 years to make it legal! Then when
they took our picture, I was filled with pride and
honor.
After we bought the rings, we now had to wait
three days for the license to become official and
meanwhile, find ourselves a justice of the peace.
We called several and left messages, then found one
who answered her phone when we called. I could
hear her smoking like a chimney as she talked
incessantly about the injustice to gays and how she
loved being part of this momentous occasion for us.
She scheduled our appointment for August 12,
Thursday—right after we picked up our license.
The day came. We took photos going to town hall,
going in, picking up our license, and coming back
down the stairs holding our license. I have to tell
you that holding that piece of paper meant so much
to me!
We met the minister, who in person was as nice
and pleasant as she’d been on the phone. A
lesbian couple and their friends cheered us on as
we kissed, following the minister’s prompting.
It felt right. It was right. We were applauded at
shows when asked by Lesbian comics Kate Clinton,
and Margaret Cho, and a drag queen (who did a
really bad Cher!) if anyone got married while in
P-town.
And there we were, legally married. For the
remaining two days of our trip, we were legal kin!
Getting married was a politically and
romantically joyous experience. I cannot wait for
our next 49 chances.
©2007 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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