Gaydar*
Archive
2007
 

Psychotherapist Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985. He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a specific program involving communication exercises designed for couples to enhance their relationship and for singles to learn relationship skills. He also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and gay men who are struggling with specific sexual issues. His therapy services are for gays and lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and columns have appeared in The Detroit Free Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and other publications. Besides providing therapy for individuals and couples, he conducts a number of groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne State University's School of Social Work, he is doing more writing and workshops on a national level. He is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their Lives. www.joekort.com or E-Mail

* Gaydar (gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular feature where gay readers can discover the many questions and hassles their straight counterparts--and themselves--must face!

What do you get when you cross a therapist and a comedian?


A Therapedian! I was talking to my 11-year old-nephew about my starting to do stand up and he looked at me and said, "Hmmm, you are a therapist and a comedian, that makes you a therapian!" I thought that was very clever and use it at the start of my act.

In the summer of 2008 I took an 8 week course at a local comedy club doing stand-up comedy. I have always used humor in my presentations, workshops and even in the therapy room at times to help people cope with some of their issues.

As many of you know who have read my books and articles and listened to me at my talks I was raised in a very neglectful and abusive environment where there was little affection, love and nurturing.

The one good thing that did occur from my family was lots of humor. That is, perhaps, the most positive thing I recieved from my childhood and it has served me well today. I find humor in almost all of my own personal struggles as well as in the most difficult life situations.

Given all of this, I hope you will watch my comedy act and take it in the spirit it is meant. I hope it makes you laugh. I have more coming as I do various clubs in amateur night shows. Watch the video at www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj74Q6RqIcY

Anti-Gay P-Fox President Expelled from American Counseling Assocation for Life


This is a Devastating Blow For Outdated Pseudo-Science That Tries To Turn Gay People Straight, Says Besen

Author Wayne Besen today released a letter he uncovered from the American Counseling Association that "permanently expelled" reparative therapist Richard Cohen in 2003 for serious ethics violations. As the outspoken president of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Dr. Laura Schlessinger's ex-gay advisor, Cohen's expulsion casts a dark shadow over the disreputable practice of trying to change sexual orientation.

"The Right wing should be ashamed for promoting the work of a therapist who has been officially rebuked for egregious ethical lapses," said Wayne Besen, author of Anything But Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth. "That Cohen is the best the far right can find in support of their position that gay people can change underscores the quack-like pseudo-science that they rely on. It is time they end the charade that reparative therapy works."

According to the ACA's letter: "Mr. Cohen was found in violation of the following code sections A.1.a; A.1.b; A.5.a; A.6.a; C.3.b, C.3.f, and has not elected to appeal the decision taken by the ACA Ethics Committee within allotted timelines." (Please see below for full explanation of violations)

The letter referred to Cohen's violations which included inappropriate behavior such as fostering dependent counseling relationships, not promoting the welfare of clients, engaging in actions that sought to meet his personal needs at the expense of clients, exploiting the trust and dependency of clients, unethically soliciting testimonials from clients and promoting products to clients in a manner that is deceptive.

"It is no surprise that Richard Cohen violated the ACA ethics because reparative therapy itself lacks integrity and attempts to meet their agenda's need, not the needs of client's," said Joe Kort, psychotherapist and author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives. "Of particular note is that Cohen's violations are self-serving as he is accused of violating standard ethics of protecting his client from dual relationships, marketing purposes, and testimonials."

Richard Cohen is the president of P-FOX, a group that recently placed an ex-gay billboard in Virginia (www.Pfox.org) and sponsored a controversial ad campaign in Washington DC's subway system. His website is www.gaytostraight.org and he is a conference instructor for the National Association for the Research and Therapy for Homosexuality (NARTH). Cohen is also the author of "Coming Out Straight", a book in which Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote the forward.

"With intellect and care, he [Cohen] offers invaluable insight into the reason for same-sex attractions and, for those willing to brave it, he illuminates a challenging journey from isolation," wrote Dr. Laura in Cohen's book.

Cohen has also been prominently features on Larry King Live, The Ricki Lake Show, The Salley Jessy Raphael Show and 20/20. Reparative therapy is rejected by every mainstream medical and mental health organization in America.

Primary Responsibility. The primary responsibility of counselors is to respect the dignity and to promote the welfare of clients.

Positive Growth and Development. Counselors encourage client growth and development in ways that foster the clients' interest and welfare; counselors avoid fostering dependent counseling relationships.

A.5. Personal Needs and Values

Personal Needs. In the counseling relationship, counselors are aware of the intimacy and responsibilities inherent in the counseling relationship, maintain respect for clients, and avoid actions that seek to meet their personal needs at the expense of clients.

A.6. Dual Relationships

Avoid When Possible. Counselors are aware of their influential positions with respect to clients, and they avoid exploiting the trust and dependency of clients. Counselors make every effort to avoid dual relationships with clients that could impair professional judgment or increase the risk of harm to clients. (Examples of such relationships include, but are not limited to, familial, social, financial, business, or close personal relationships with clients.) When a dual relationship cannot be avoided, counselors take appropriate professional precautions such as informed consent, consultation, supervision, and documentation to ensure that judgment is not impaired and no exploitation occurs. (See F.1.b.)

C.3. Advertising and Soliciting Clients

Testimonials. Counselors who use testimonials do not solicit them from clients or other persons who, because of their particular circumstances, may be vulnerable to undue influence.

f. Promoting to Those Served. Counselors do not use counseling, teaching, training, or supervisory relationships to promote their products or training events in a manner that is deceptive or would exert undue influence on individuals who may be vulnerable. Counselors may adopt textbooks they have authored for instruction purposes.

Sexual Addiction


Sexual addiction and compulsion are a problem-and comprise a touchy subject that isn't talked about. All men-gay, bi and straight alike-can suffer from this disorder, Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., has written extensively on the subject. In his landmark book, Out of the Shadows, he coined the term sexual addiction. My own working definition of addiction is any behavior or activity that interferes in one's life in some way, but which one continues, despite negative consequences. Along with behaviors are other factors and dynamics, like loss of control.

If a man's tried to stop or cut down his cruising behavior, with no success, that signals a problem. Addictive behavior often displays progressive increase in tolerance. The person needs ever-stronger "hits." This syndrome explains heroin overdoses: The previous level of the drug wasn't satisfying enough, so the frustrated addict "promotes" himself to a higher, lethal dose-beyond what his body can handle.

Similarly, the sex addict needs more and more of whatever behavior satisfied him in the past. Because this progression occurs over time, it's not always obvious. Initially, masturbation with fantasy was enough to satiate his sexual appetite. Later, he needs to view pornography while masturbating. This is then that is not enough, and he feels the need to actually meet someone. Suddenly, he realizes he's cruising at a bar or sex club, or going online more often than he wants to be.

These behaviors, in and of themselves, doesn't necessarily constitute addiction. Problems arise when they interfere with being able to be completely present with one's self and one's partner and enjoy the sexual act-in addition to the fantasy.

People with addictions continue their behavior in spite of negative consequences, which they deny or do not perceive. When the man becomes accountable for his own behavior, no longer blaming it on others, only then can treatment begin.

Most people don't know that during any addictive behavior, biological chemicals are released, making these actions even more compelling.

Natural chemicals such as endorphins and adrenaline give the addict their "high." The sex addict's behavior causes chemical changes in his brain, which promote a mood- and mind-altering experience. Then there's a natural drug in our bodies called phenylethylamine or PEA for short. It's an essential chemical for those who are addicted to inherently risky behaviors like gambling, shoplifting, bungee jumping, and sex. PEA's molecular structure parallels amphetamine, and is strongest when first released. This explains why so many people with addictions say they're always seeking the feeling they had during their first high, and want to re-experience it over and over.

A number of signs exist of sexual addiction. One is a pattern of sexual behavior that's out of control. Of course, sexual impulses are the spice of life, reminding us that we're biological beings! But in sexual addiction, these feelings become intrusive. An impulse comes, followed by a strong need to act on that urge immediately, to get relief. This pattern begins to occur with some regularity.

Another warning sign: Severe consequences due to one's sexual behavior, such as being arrested, compulsive masturbation resulting in abrasions and sores, contracting sexually transmitted diseases, or having a loving relationship end when one partner catches the other cheating.

Another warning sign: Ongoing desire or efforts to limit sexual behavior with failed attempts to stop or cut down the behavior.

Sex addicts viewing the world through a sexual filter. In an attempt to cope with stress, sexual obsession/preoccupation and fantasy become primary strategies. The sex addict will allow his thought to focus on sexual fantasies and sexualize most of his experiences, to relieve himself of the tension he is experiencing.

A sex addict will use fantasy and behavior to modify his mood state. That's the essence of any addiction: an attempt to reduce anxiety, depression and other unwanted feelings and thoughts. The psychological self-soothing hit of PEA and other internal chemicals lets the sex addict feel temporary relief. His mood will elevate. But when the sexual behavior is over, he will drop into shame, despair, depression, remorse and guilt for having engaged in his obsessions and compulsions.

"Sexual acting out" (or SAO, for short) behaviors are a way of acting out our feelings-about whoever we're with, and about ourselves. For the sex addict, the goal is to identify the difference between what behavior's healthy, and what's not.

That's what defines these repetitive, unhealthy behaviors. A man within normal limits, -briefly, or at times of stress or crisis-might find himself driven to overindulging in sexual behavior.

Some SAO behaviors include:

Compulsive masturbation: There's no normative frequency. As the old joke has it, a father tells his son that if he masturbates, he'll go blind. The kid responds, "Can I do it until I need glasses?" But seriously, the sex addict does this chronically until his penis is sore or abraded, until there is no more semen to ejaculate. Or he may masturbate in his car, or in a park or restroom with the hope of being seen. He prefers masturbation over sex with a partner.

Indulging in pornography: Again, using porn to assist in any kind of sex is no problem. It is, however, when photos are preferable to a flesh-and-blood partner; when it's necessary for stimulation and ejaculation; and when any other form of lovemaking isn't as satisfying.

Exhibitionism: Exhibitionism is the desire to show one's body or body parts to another for self-arousal. An exhibitionist's thrill depends on reactions from his onlooker. The flasher gets a high from exposing himself and shocking men and/or women-the equivalent of visual rape.

Anonymous sex and dangerous sexual practices

Voyeurism: This is where one is seeking sexual thrill and pleasure from viewing others either while they know or don't know they are being watched.

Compulsive cybersex: Before the invention of caller ID, men would call others and engage in sexual conversation against their will. Nowadays, this happens on the Internet where someone instant-messages another and attempts sex talk. If that person says no and the instigator persists, this is a violation.

The sex addict prefers to be online over sex with a partner-or to even having a partner at all. He'll spend hours on end online, viewing Internet porn, looking at personal ads and frequenting chat rooms. A man's family or partner can be watching television, while he's in the same room, enjoying cybersex on his laptop, while the others have no idea what's going on. This doesn't have to be associated with masturbation. The chase and the hunt are more exciting than the catch.

For the sex addict, this activity can consume an entire afternoon, interrupting his life. He may even leave work early to engage in these behaviors.

Sexual addiction blocks its sufferers from having deep connecting relationships. This is why it is greatly important to have to relate to another human being on nonsexual levels. Time and again, studies show that the sexual addict who engages in individual, group, and 12-step groups-all three together-is helped most effectively. Placed in proximity to others, they're forced to examine their issues of intimacy and relational skills with others.

Straight Guise: Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men (SMSM)


Many men who have sex with men (MSM) get referred to me by their straight therapists. Holding my books and other coming-out literature in their hands, they explain that their therapists have tried to help them come out. But since they say they are not gay, their therapist has sent them to me to assess their true orientation.

I have seen hundreds of heterosexual men come to my office with same-sex behaviors worried that they might be gay. However I have always been able to help these men distinguish between their organic, innate sexual and romantic orientation as well as their sexual preferences. I have always known that straight men can have sex with other men and not be gay. However that concept makes people very anxious. Some think the behavior itself defines a gay orientation. Others—particularly gays and lesbians—understandably worry that it will be used to show that people can go from gay to straight. The reality is that from the start these SMSM’s are not gay and now we have research to prove it.

A recent New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say they're straight and have sex only with other men. The findings appear in the Sept. 19, 2006 issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine. They also found that 70% of these straight-identified men having sex with men are married. In fact according to the Center for Disease Control, more than 3 million women are, or have been wives or girlfriends of men who secretly have sex with other men. In fact, 10% of all married men in this survey report same-sex behavior during the past year.

Some of the findings include:

  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men report fewer sex partners than gay men.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men report fewer STDs in the past year than gay men.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men are less likely than gay men to report using a condom during their last sexual encounter.
  • Straight-identified men who have sex with men are more likely to be foreign born than gay men.

It is crucial to have this information as the survey shows that a man who says he is straight but is having sex with other men is more likely to be married than a straight man who has sex with women, according to the survey. Only 54% of the men who say they're straight and have sex with women are married, compared with the 70% marriage rate among the men who say they're straight but have sex with men. This is different than gay men who are heterosexually married in what I call the “New Mixed Marriage.”

The beginning stages of the coming out process can resemble many other psychological processes. Before coaching clients into the coming out, I assess with them what their sexual behavior means—as it does not necessarily indicate a need for coming out.

Just because you are sexual with the same gender, doesn’t necessarily reflect sexual/romantic orientation. There remains a difference between sexual identity, orientation, fantasies and behavior as discussed in the article “Are You What You Orgasm?"

Historically, many a therapist would tell clients who were struggling with homosexuality they weren’t really gay or lesbian, but that various factors made them this way. Gay Affirmative Therapy is clear that orientation is innate. Individuals who act out homosexually or fantasize about same-sex partners may not be gay to begin with.

The possibilities include homo- or bisexuality, sexual addiction, bi-curiosity, homo-eroticism, sexual abuse and more—you should be informed and understand each of these issues before helping a client through the coming-out process.

Men who were sexually abused as boys or teenagers may re-enact that trauma by engaging in homosexual behaviors—and at first glance, appear to be in early denial about their homosexuality. By contrast, some women, gay or straight, who have been sexually abused will repress their sexuality, while others re-enact their early abuse by being sexually promiscuous with men when, in fact, they are lesbians.

As a result, many clinicians reassure clients that once their abuse issues are resolved, their same-sex behaviors will evaporate. But this doesn’t always happen, particularly if the client is innately gay or lesbian.

This concept is important in understanding ex-gays who claim to have changed their sexual/romantic orientation. Success rates in returning people to their “innate heterosexuality” are low to null because these individuals are not heterosexual. Those who have succeeded in rooting out their gay impulses most likely were sexually abused by a same-gender perpetrator, which confused or clouded the individuals’ primary orientation which was heterosexuality. Or they may, in fact, have just been an SMSM.

Also, bisexuals may be able to repress their same-sex feelings—simply because they were not that strong to begin with.

Terms to Understand

  • MSM: Men who have sex with other men including gay, straight, bisexual, bi-curious, questioning and any male who has sexual activity with another male.
  • SMSM: Straight Men who have sex with men.
  • WSW: Women who have sex with other women including gay, straight, bisexual, bi-curious, questioning and any female who has sexual activity with another female.

For more information in terms of what I have found in my work with straight men who have sex with other men (SMSM) go to SMSM

Take the Quiz on marriage to see which marriage the quotes describe: Interracial or same-sex couples


Recently the Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples published a quiz on their website with quotes asking which ones are or have been used as the arguments against interracial or same-sex couples. Chillingly, they are the same. For more information go to www.buddybuddy.com/quiz-1.html

On www.marriageequality.org , a website educating the public the facts advocating gay marriage, reported that the NY Times ran a story in 1968 about interracial marriages that are very similar to the stories of today that run against gay marriage. Here is a quote from a Virginia lower-court judge who supported the interracial marriage ban:

"Almighty G-d created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix"

When I do talks on Gay issues and Lesbian and Gay relationships, I have had people of color or others in a minority status say that they are bothered by the comparison of gays to other minorities in terms of discrimination. They say that they cannot hide their ethnicity or race. My response is always the same--the arguments used to discriminate against women, people of color, religion and others are the same. In other words, the quotes above and the stories that ran against interracial marriage are the same arguments used to discriminate against Lesbian and Gay marriage today.

We should not let history repeat itself!

Did You Call Your Mother?


Many of my clients joke that they wish there were Hallmark cards that were for dysfunctional families which could acknowledge the pain and grief they have from the kinds of mothers they have as well as sharing the joy and connection they still feel toward her despite their years of growing up.

They wish there were jokes like the one on my left which came from the New Yorker.

The comic says: Bad News--we're all out of our minds. You're going to have to be the lone healthy person in this family

Wouldn't it be nice to be real in a card and not cover up the problems and also be able to make light of them?

I joke that while I have taken breaks from my own mother by respectfully not speaking with her and stopping all contact for a while to get some psychological space I cannot get away from being reminded of her. I forget my ID or password to my bank accounts or credit cards and when I phone the bank or credit companies I am immediately asked;

What is your mother's maiden name?

When is her birthday?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CALLED YOUR MOTHER????

Oh my G-d I say to myself all I wanted is to get my password. Shamed and guilt stricken I spend days thinking I am a bad son and should call my mother.

I was even at a psychotherapy training last week and one of the experiential exercises was that we therapists were to get in the order of our MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME!!!! Again, the voice in my head goes, "DID YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER?"

Call it Jewish Guilt, Catholic Guilt or whatever you want, love your mother regardless of who she is is what we learn from early on--even probably from the womb.

While I am mostly joking it is based on some truth.

Are You What You Orgasm?


In the talks I give around the country, audiences often ask me about what being gay or straight really is. Most people believe that if you engage in—or even think about—certain homosexual sex acts, then that reveals your basic sexual orientation of being gay. Interestingly, the opposite is not true. If a gay or lesbian person thinks of or engages in heterosexual sex than that is either meaningless to many or a sign that “maybe they might be straight”.

This line of thinking is not necessarily true. In fact, it’s often not the case at all! You can fantasize about all kinds of activities that have everything, or very little, to do with your sexual orientation. You can engage in and even enjoy sexual acts that are the complete opposite to what your sexual orientation really is.

Confused? Many people are—even therapists! So let’s break this down.

Sexual Identity or Orientation

Sexual identity or Orientation refers to how someone self-identifies, and not how others may categorize him or her. Some self-identify as heterosexual (straight), gay or lesbian, homosexual (a person who is not “out” but enjoy homosexual sex), bi-attractional (bisexual) or questioning (bi-curious, or “If it feels good, no problem”). Sexual orientation is a constant and does not change. This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to who they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation. An example of the constancy of sexual orientation is a transsexual who undergoes gender reassignment surgery. I know of men who are heterosexual who feel they were born the wrong gender. They are sexually satisfied by females only. However they feel as though they are female themselves. They undergo a gender reassignment from male to female. They are now lesbians. It is not an episode of bewitched where now they are suddenly attract to men just because they are now female. This is a good example of how sexual orientation is constant.

Sexual Preference

These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies that someone prefers to have when engaging in sexual activity. They can take it or leave it however they enjoy it when they do it. This is different than sexual orientation which is one’s identity and the object of passion for which they are compelled and naturally drawn to. Preferences can change over time and one can become more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies, behaviors and acts.

Sexual Behavior

Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t necessarily reflect your orientation.

Sexual Fantasies

Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be about virtually anything—not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains—especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac effect.

For the sake of discussion, I’m going to offer some sweeping generalizations by way of examples (though of course there are many exceptions to what I’m about to describe).

Heterosexual Men

Men who are heterosexual enjoy the company of women, romantically and sexually. They are aroused and feel compelled to have sex with woman. However, when they’re in prison or in the armed forces, where woman aren’t available, often they will find sexual gratification with other men. This doesn’t mean that they have switched to a gay or bisexual orientation, simply that they have no one but other men available for sexual release. Once these heterosexual men get released or discharged, back they go to their female objects of desire and usually, never again have sex with men.

Heterosexually Married Gay Men

Conversely, heterosexually married gay men have often fallen in love with their wives and been sexual with them. They’re often monogamous, performing sexually and enjoying orgasms with these women. They are sexually satisfied. These men are not bisexual; nor are they heterosexual men gone bad! They have either chosen—or felt compelled—to live heterosexually, but are innately gay. In some ways this is a personal prison imposed upon one’s self by not permitting their homosexuality to come out. Once divorced, they seek out other men exclusively for sexual gratification. and never do return to women.

Homosexual Imprinting

Homosexual Imprinting occurs when a boy or teenage male has been sexually abused by an older man. In my practice, I see many such cases. These men come in concerned or merely inquisitive about their homoerotic impulses and enjoyment, wanting to know whether this means they’re gay. Upon further evaluation, we discover that many of them were once abused sexually by male authority figures. Their psychosexual mapping now includes being sexual with other men.

Sex & Love Mapping

By mapping I mean that one’s love and sexual preference map are determined early on in childhood. It is how we learn how to love. We observe and absorb how others love or neglect or abuse us and that becomes our “love map” according to John Money, a pioneer in the field of sexology. This map becomes a template for what you seek out for pleasure in your adulthood. It

Early in childhood, we’re all imprinted with family beliefs and societal norms. Imprinting is the psychological process by which specific types of behavior are locked in, at an early stage of development. All of us, gay and straight alike, are conditioned to think, feel, and act the way our early childhood caretakers nurture and teach us.

The first important thing to consider is this doesn’t mean the client is gay or even bi. He is simply left with an imprint to re-enact his homosexual abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. In reality, this isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm. In the book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth they say it best:

“……this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event …..when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.”

The authors go on to say that “the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure”. In other words, they become a way of managing the fear and anxiety.

Second, just because the sexual abuse was committed by a male doesn’t mean that it constituted homosexuality. When men sexually abuse girls, we don’t claim it’s about heterosexuality! We say it is simply sexual abuse—which involves power, violation and rape. Nothing about that is related to orientation.

Homoeroticism

Homoeroticism is the concept that men and women (who are basically heterosexual, of course) can enjoy some sexual activity with members of their own gender—if only vicariously. Surfing the Internet, you can find thousands of sites that offer tag lines like these:

“Do my wife while I watch”

“My husband is too small—I need to show him something bigger”

“My wife wants a female partner to join in with us”

“Voyeur to watch you and your spouse”

“Wife likes to watch me suck cock”

These preferences don’t necessarily imply sexual abuse or homosexual imprinting, nor do they necessarily involve bisexuality or homosexuality. There are simply men and women who, from time to time, become aroused by the same gender enjoy sexual activity with them.

Indeed, research has shown that some men and woman are even turned on by the idea of their spouses having an affair. For them, there is something homoerotic in the idea, just as in “swinging,” when couples enjoy bringing in others to be sexual with them, temporarily, without breaking up their committed relationship. They may not admit to homosexual desire however. In his book, Extramarital Affair, Herbert S. Strean writes that “couples who openly advocate extramarital affairs also derive a great deal of pleasure [because] they identify with their spouse and unconsciously have sex with [their] spouse’s lover.”

Stream says that also, “because this is unconscious process, most couples who sanction extramarital activity deny their homosexual involvement and justify their stance on the basis of free expression.”

There is so much more to say and be written about this topic. I hope that after reading this, you’ll be able to expand your mind about your own sexual fantasies and desires—and also, understand be aware that not everyone is “what they orgasm.”

©2007, by Joe Kort



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