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Marty Nemko holds a PhD from the University of
California, Berkeley, and subsequently taught in
Berkeley’s Graduate School of Education. He is
the worklife columnist in the Sunday San Francisco
Chronicle and is the producer and host of Work With
Marty Nemko, heard Sundays at 11 on 91.7 FM in San
Francisco, and worldwide on www.martynemko.com.
400+ of his published writings are available free
on that website. mnemko@earthlink.net
Are You Lazy?
Career Advice 16 to
60+
Choosing a College or
Graduate School
"Deep Down, I Don't
Wanna Work!"
Men As Beasts of
Burden
Men's Career
Issues
The Overwhelming of
America
Three Bad
Employees
Today’s Double
Standard
Toward a Life Well
Led
Three Bad Employees
My wife Barbara and I were off to our
daughter’s wedding. The trip started
poorly.
I pulled over to the curb at Oakland Airport
whereupon the traffic control officer, Gerald
Boyakins, said, “No curbside check-in. You
have to bring your things in.” There was no
skycap in sight and we had a lot of luggage plus
gifts, so Barbara and I lugged the stuff in. No
sooner did we get inside when Boyakins walked over
to us: “A guy’s about to give you a
ticket.”
With Boyakins close behind, I raced out to find
an officer, G.D. Perkins, just then pulling his
summons book from his pocket. I said to Perkins,
“Thank you, officer. I’m leaving.”
“Don’t you go nowhere!” he barked,
in a tone perfect for addressing an armed
robber.
Perkins ordered Boyakins to stand in front of my
car so I couldn’t move. I pleaded, “But
he told me I had to bring the bags inside. I was
just in there for 30 seconds, and you haven’t
started writing the ticket yet. Please!”
Boyakins, perhaps because he didn’t want to
disagree with a co-worker in front of a
“customer” (me), did not come to my
defense. Perkins started writing the ticket
whereupon a third traffic control officer wandered
over to watch the festivities.
At that point, Barbara came out of the terminal
and saw the trio clustered around me with Perkins
writing the ticket. She pled, “We’re
going to our daughter’s wedding.” Perkins
kept writing. She continued, “Don’t you
people have a heart?” Perhaps defensive about
what they were doing, the third officer snapped,
“What do you mean, ‘You
people’?” (All three officers were
Black.) We were dumbfounded: He was implying
Barbara was being racist. We stood in shock as
Perkins finished writing the ticket and handed it
to us saying, “You wanna fight it? You have 21
days to appear.”
Lessons for Employees
Boyakins knew we didn’t deserve the ticket:
He told us we had to take our luggage inside. He
did not tell one of us to stay with the car. and
indeed he watched the two of us go in. Yet in front
of his colleague, he refused to defend us. He
violated a key principle of the good employee:
ethics first.
Perkins’ errors began with his very first
utterance. He said, “Don’t you go
nowhere!” in a tone that escalated the
tension. In any job, from cop to doc, IRS agent to
technical support person, a cooperative manner is
invaluable.
Despite the absence of curbside check-in,
despite our insisting that Boyakins told us to go
inside the terminal to check in, despite our having
left the car for just seconds, despite knowing that
we were off to our only child’s wedding, and
despite Perkins not having even started to write
the ticket, he chose to issue the citation. He
thereby violated another key principle of the good
employee: think; exercise good judgment. What would
Jesus (or King Solomon or Mohammed or Judge Judy)
do? Would they have issued that ticket?
The third employee (We were too flustered to
notice his nametag) committed the most egregious
error by claiming racism when race had absolutely
nothing to do with the situation. Too often, people
play the race card to gain power in a dispute even
when they know that no racism is involved. In other
cases, people claim racism because they are
hypersensitive to racial slights—perceiving a
statement as racist when it is not. The wise
employee reflects carefully before making an
accusation as inflammatory as racism.
That third employee shouldn’t even have
been there. Already, two employees were ministering
over the issuing of a mere parking ticket. A third
employee was not necessary—especially since
all he did was watch and then make his absurd
racial accusation. He thus failed to fulfill the
good employee’s most basic responsibility: do
your job.
The good news is that after the trip’s bad
start, our trip went wonderfully. When the judge
pronounced my daughter Amy and her wonderful
husband Mike, man and wife, they both cried tears
of joy. So did Barbara and I.
Career Advice 16 to
60+
Through the lifespan, there are pivotal career
issues. Here is how I’d address them.
I’m 16 and career clueless. First, ask
yourself, “Which am I: a word person, people
person, numbers person, ideas person, artistic
person, make-it person, fix-it person, and/or
procedures-following person?”
Then go to a career library at your high school
or at a college, and hunt for a career that fits
and excites you. Next, job shadow one or more
people in that career. Don’t be scared to ask.
Many people who are good at what they do, like to
be watched or at least are willing to tell you
about their career. How to find someone to job
shadow? See if your parents, relatives or
friends’ parents know someone. If not, use the
Yellow Pages, Google, or ask a librarian in the
business section of a large public library.
If a career requires a specific major, find a
college with a strong program in that major. If
not, and you want to go to college, major in
something fun. Many people love the theater major,
and participating in plays is a terrific way to
build your reading, writing, thinking, and public
speaking skills.
No matter what your potential career, acquire
leadership and entrepreneurial skills. Those will
keep your income high and your job
offshore-resistant.
Join your college’s alumni association
while still in college. It’s a good networking
vehicle.
Get summer internships at places you’d like
to work after graduation. I believe government will
be the last bastion of moderate-workload, well
paying, secure jobs, so consider a
government-sponsored student internship program.
(See www.studentjobs.gov/searchintern.asp). Those
programs are a pipeline into good government
careers. Note: Most of those programs explicitly
give preference to minorities or even require that
you be a minority.
I’m 35, an artist (or performer) and am not
making enough money. What should I do? Is that
because you haven’t exposed your talents
broadly enough? If you haven’t, get busy. If
you have shown your wares more often than a hooker
has yet have had few bites, your talent isn’t
commercial enough. Could you make it so? If you
doubt it, cut your losses. Consider under-the-radar
artsy careers such as exhibit designer, store
merchandiser, or costumer.
I’m 40, been working for high-tech
companies for years, and want out. Often, the
problem is that field’s relentless pace. You
can use your experience in a less frenetic
environment in an IT job in a government agency,
for example, a school district. Or, self-employed,
help small old-line businesses set up or upgrade
their computer systems. Or handhold
cybernovices--but you must be able to patiently
explain and reexplain in English, not
GeekSpeak.
I’m 45, been a stay-at-home mom, and now
want to get back into the workforce. You can’t
count on a stranger to employ you well, even if you
highlight all the important things you did as a
homemaker and volunteer. If possible, ask friends
and family for leads. If necessary, take a
launchpad job: an entry-level position that offers
opportunities for you to rise. An alternative: many
stay-at-home moms start businesses such as
tutoring, child care, music teaching, or
editing.
I’m a 50--year-old manager and worry about
being downsized. First, find out how well you are
perceived: Request a 360-degree evaluation: an
appraisal by your superiors, peers, and
supervisees. Consider criticisms open-mindedly. For
those criticisms that seem legitimate, tell your
evaluators (and yourself) that you’re eager to
work on improving. If you suspect your job is in
danger, consider moving to health care
administration. Demand is high.
I'm 60, getting tired, but am not sure I have
enough money to retire. If you’re worried
about outliving your savings, can you cut expenses?
And regarding your fatigue, it may stem from
something other than aging: Should you lose 20
pounds? Drink less? Sleep more? Exercise
moderately? If you’re still low on energy, try
to get your job description altered so you do less
stressful work and more mentoring. Even if
you’re in a low-level position, your lifetime
of experience can be valuable to young turks: for
example, how to manage a difficult boss, tame the
paper flow tiger, give good phone, etc.
No matter what your age, my most important
career advice, indeed life advice, boils down to
two words: be good.
"Deep Down, I Don't
Wanna Work!"
When pressed, many of my clients admit they’d
rather not work, except on something unlikely to
earn much money such as the arts or homemaking.
If that’s an option, fine, but often, not
making money can mean you’ll be eating cat
food.
So how do you get yourself motivated to look for
work?
First, avoid these strategies. They rarely
work:
- Taking a vacation. Many clients figure if
they allow themselves, for example, a month to
play in France, they’ll return ready to
look for a job. In fact, most of them find
themselves even more inert. The less you do, the
less you feel you can do; the more you do, the
more you feel you can do.
- Psychotherapy. Too often, you gain insight
into why you’re stuck, but you’re
still stuck.
- Saying or writing daily affirmations. Just
today, a client opened her DayPlanner, and in
large letters, a post-it read, “I am
capable and responsible.” She’s been
unemployed for two years and done essentially
nothing to land a job.
- Praying/meditating. Many clients have tried
to pray their way into a job, following the
advice of such hymn lyrics as, "There is no
situation that God cannot fix. I don't care what
you're friends, your family says...Stand still
and look up." At least in my clients'
experience, standing still and looking up
doesn't result in a job descending from heaven
like Manna.
Strategies that usually work better
- If you’re so scared of failing you
won’t look for work, at least as an interim
step, take a job that’s easy and fun, even
if it pays poorly. A client who had been a
chemist for 20 years quit, and stayed inert for
a year. What got her unstuck was to take a job
as a barista at the Starbucks in a Barnes &
Noble. After a couple of months, she regained
some confidence, took courses in medical
transcription, and now is happily (well, sort
of) working at Kaiser as a medical records
tech
- Join a job search support group. If you tell
your compatriots that you promise to make ten
cold calls, the thought of having to tell them
you made no cold calls can embarrass you into
picking up the phone.
- Go back to school. Even though it’s
expensive, time consuming, and these days, is no
guarantee of employment, a certificate or degree
does increase your odds. You learn something,
make connections, and sometimes, a job
effortlessly comes your way, for example, a
professor touts you for a job or an internship
turns into a job offer.
- Do a painless job search. Just tell a few
friends you’re looking for work.
Occasionally, a job drops right in your
lap—even if you’re not sure you want
it to.
- Find a source of financial support. I have
had a number of clients who refused to
- look for work but made prodigious efforts to
meet Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Sugar
Daddy.)
- Dump your source of support. Sometimes,
people are unmotivated to look for a job because
they have a parent or romantic partner paying
the bills. Have the guts to refuse to take your
parents’ handout, and if the main reason
you’re staying with a romantic partner is
the money (That occurs more often than people
like to admit), consider cutting the cord. When
you’re facing poverty, your motivation to
land a job can suddenly skyrocket. It’s
like when welfare reform threw millions of
people who claimed to be unemployable off
welfare, facing destitution, most found
jobs.
Have something to work toward. A Realtor was
refusing to prospect, ranking 39th of the 39 agents
in her office. Her coach asked her, “If you
made more money, what would you love to spend it
on?” She said, “a trip to Africa.”
The coach said, “Put a picture of Africa on
your desk.” She went from being #39 to
#3.
The Overwhelming of
America
I don’t fit the profile of someone who worries
about uncontrolled immigration. My parents are
immigrants, I know that immigrants of all races
have contributed mightily to America, and I’m
no American flag waver. I am ashamed, for example,
of America’s international hubris,
environmental callousness, obscene materialism,
declining ethical standards, and unconscionable
disparity between rich and poor.
So, I never was particularly concerned about
uncontrolled immigration. I was additionally
reassured because the media was reporting research
that found illegal immigration to be a net plus for
the US.
But occasionally, I saw some contradictory
research and heard stories from my wife, Dr.
Barbara Nemko, the Napa County Superintendent of
Schools, about how challenging it is to meet the
immigrant children’s learning and health needs
while not shortchanging the other kids.
So I decided to more thoroughly review the
evidence on uncontrolled immigration’s
effects. As a result, I have had to change my mind.
I have come to the conclusion that the greatest
threat to America is not terrorism, but
uncontrolled immigration.
Heretofore, the effects have not been readily
apparent to many of us in the middle class, but
that will almost assuredly change.
Prevalence
The number of illegal immigrants in the US has
more than doubled in the past decade to at least
9,000,000, the population of Massachusetts and
Connecticut combined, and the rate is
accelerating.
Effects
There's a major difference between earlier waves
of immigrants and this one: this wave is
uncontrolled. As a result, the numbers are
overwhelming, and because so many in this wave has
chosen to flout US immigration laws, they, as a
group, are more likely to commit crimes. In fact,
the crime rate among illegals is extraordinary.
And the financial and human cost of providing
for this wave is dramatically greater than any
previous one. Help to earlier waves of immigrants
consisted mainly of providing them with night
school to learn English and minimum-wage and
working-condition laws. Today, the costs are many
times higher: free health care, free education
K-12, and subsidized higher education,
easy-to-illegally-obtain social security, welfare,
unemployment, housing subsidies, etc., plus the
terrible financial and human costs of their crime
rate. Our schools, our health care system, and
criminal justice system will likely soon be
overwhelmed. In addition, salaries are being driven
down, forcing ever more formerly middle-class US
residents into poverty.
Uncontrolled immigration and its devastating
effects would be dramatically worsened further by
President Bush’s Guest Worker proposal,
described later. All Guest Workers’ spouses,
children, parents, and siblings would receive legal
status. And the chain would extend far further: the
Guest Worker or spouse could “sponsor”
his or her parents and brothers and sisters, and
relatives, which means they can come to America
legally. In turn, those relatives could sponsor
their relatives, ad infinitum. Bush’s Guest
Worker Program is a dagger in the US middle
class’s heart.
Uncontrolled immigration, which would be
exacerbated by President Bush’s so-called
Guest Worker program, is a dagger in the middle
class’s heart.
Here is the evidence.
Lower wages
Cindy and Ed Kolb used to run a construction
service in Hereford, Arizona. On CNN, she said,
“We could never win a bid because we paid
Americans a living wage. Other firms hire illegals
and pay them below minimum wage.” The Kolbs
have had to close their business.
Of course, the problem also affects employees.
The owner of a Bay Area construction company who
insisted on anonymity bragged that he used to have
to pay carpenters $20 an hour plus benefits but now
gets them for $12, no benefits, because of the
ready supply of illegal immigrants.
The Center for Immigration Studies has
calculated that illegals have already cost American
workers $133 billion in salary cuts and job losses.
According to a study by the National Academy of
Sciences, this promises to significantly shrink the
middle and working class, forcing ever more people
into poverty.
Legally residing young adults without college
degrees—an already vulnerable group--are being
hit particularly hard. Last year, the employment
rate for teens reached a record low, down nine
percentage points just since 2000.
President Bush, pandering to Latino voters and
to Corporate America’s thirst for cheap labor,
is proposing a Guest Worker program that would
greatly increase the number of illegal workers. It
would provide legal residency for three years
(renewable) to all illegals holding US jobs, to
their families, and even to those with just a
letter stating that an employer promises a job.
The only restriction would be that the employer
must first have tried to hire a legal resident.
That restriction is practically unenforceable. The
cost of investigating each of millions of hiring
decisions would be prohibitive. No doubt, as in the
1986 amnesty program for agriculture workers,
Bush’s Guest Worker program would rely on
employers’ self-serving attestations. Even
that amnesty program’s sponsor, Charles
Schumer (D-NY) admitted that in that program, fraud
occurred in 2/3 of the hires.
According to Rosemary Jenks, director of
government relations for Numbers USA, a nonpartisan
nonprofit that collects immigration statistics,
“When that 1986 law was passed, it was support
to be a one-time never-to-be repeated action. Since
then, however, Congress has passed seven amnesties
rewarding more than six million illegal aliens with
legal residence and putting them and their
relatives on the path of US citizenship.” Why
have you not heard about this? Aware that the
public opposes amnesty for illegal aliens,
politicians disguise amnesty programs by giving
them obfuscating labels such as “earned
regularization,” or Bush’s term,
“Guest Worker.”
I wonder what Bush would say to that carpenter
whose income has dropped to $12 an hour, no
benefits. “Sorry. We wanted to be sure
corporations can get cheap labor.”?
Bush claims that Guest Workers do work that
legal Americans won’t. If that were true, then
in the 35 states with few illegals (87 percent of
illegals reside in just 15 states), lawns
wouldn’t get mowed, hotel rooms wouldn’t
get cleaned, buildings wouldn’t get built, and
crops wouldn’t get picked. In those states,
employers simply have to pay a living wage and
provide decent working conditions to get people to
do that work.
Gutted unions. Unions protect workers
against exploitation. Flooding the job market with
illegals erodes unions’ power to negotiate.
Bush’s Guest Worker proposal, which would add
millions of non-unionized workers, would, of
course, exacerbate the problem.
Worse public schools. America’s public
schools already suffer under severe budget
constraints, causing large class sizes, textbook
shortages, and leaky ceilings. Yet, US law requires
that all illegals receive free public education
K-12. The Federation for American Immigration
Reform estimates that this costs $7.4 billion
dollars each year.
The birthrate among illegals is double that of
legal US residents. The Pew Hispanic Center
calculates that within seven years, the children of
immigrants, legal and illegal, will account for one
in nine school-age children in the US. The Urban
Institute estimates that already, 15% of all school
children in California are illegals, many of whom
speak little English. These students are usually
mainstreamed in classes with native English
speakers. This means that teachers must slow down
instruction, denying native English speakers their
right to an appropriate-level education.
The challenge is even greater because not all
those students’ native language is Spanish:
For example, in my nearest major school district,
San Francisco, it would not be unusual to find a
class that had native speakers of Chinese, Russian,
Tagalog, Spanish, and English. Imagine the
challenge of trying to educate them all. If your
child were in that class, would you be confident
that he or she would receive a quality
education?
Immigrant children pose less obvious challenges
to the schools. Barbara Nemko, the Napa County
Superintendent of Schools, points out examples:
“Unless she speaks Spanish, we have a hard
time justifying hiring an even an excellent
teacher… So much of our staff development time
must now be allocated to dealing with the needs of
‘English Language Learners.’,,, Our
immigrant kids come to school with serious health
problems that we must address. For example,
dentists now visit our high-immigrant schools,
providing dental services at no cost to the
student.”
Immigrant advocacy groups such as the
Mexican-American Legal Defense Fund (MALDEF) and La
Raza have additionally burdened the public schools
by demanding that schools provide special
controversial programs such as Bilingual Education,
in which students are taught in Spanish for much of
the day. Bilingual education programs exist
throughout California even after longitudinal
research has not demonstrated their effectiveness
and after a voter-approved ban on these programs.
MALDEF and La Raza also pushed through legislation
that allows, in 19 states, illegal immigrants to
not only attend any public university in those
states, but to pay in-state tuition, while legal
residents of neighboring states must pay the
out-of-state rate which is three to eight times
higher. It’s quite an injustice, for example,
that a legal resident can be denied admission to
taxpayer-supported Berkeley and must attend
community college so an illegal foreign national
can attend Berkeley—at in-state rates!
MALDEF's and La Raza's lobbying and legal power
is remarkable.
Worse health care. US law states that all
illegals and their families are entitled to free
emergency health care, and many jurisdictions
provide non-emergency care.
Our health care system is already overwhelmed.
For example, thousands of Americans die each year
because of lack of adequate nursing and other
medical care. Illegal immigrants, coming from poor
countries, have great health care needs. And in
addition to common diseases, illegals bring
challenges not normally faced in the US, for
example, 7,000 new cases of leprosy in the past
three years came in from Mexico, India, and Brazil,
16,000 new cases of multiple-drug-resistant,
incurable, and communicable(!) tuberculosis. The
Centers for Disease Control reports that illegal
immigrants account for over 65 percent of
communicable diseases (TB, hepatitis, leprosy,
AIDS, etc.,) in the US. Immigration officials are
supposed to screen out immigrants who are carrying
diseases, but there is no health screening for
illegal immigrants.
Illegals’ further burden the health care
system because they disproportionately do heavy
physical work, which causes their bodies to fall
apart faster, and because the violent crime rate
among illegals is staggering (See below).
The burden of providing health care to illegals
extends beyond disease and saving crime victims.
For example, because of illegals’ high
birthrate, in Colorado, which has a mere (?)
100,000 illegal immigrants, taxpayers in 2003 alone
paid for 6,000 illegals to have their babies.
That’s 40% of the births Medicaid paid for in
the state. To get immediate care, the illegal only
must say “I am undocumented."
The Washington Times reported that dozens of
hospitals in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and
California have either closed their doors or face
bankruptcy because of losses caused by
uncompensated care given to illegal immigrants.
Brenda Walker, in the same publication writes,
"More than 40 million American citizens do not have
health insurance while they pay in their tax bills
for free medical care for Mexican nationals, many
of whom are illegally working at American jobs - a
double-dip rip off. Furthermore, hospitals closing
and emergency rooms crowded with illegal aliens
mean that an American needing speedy treatment may
have to wait far longer to receive it. Such delays
can mean the difference between life and
death."
US House of Representatives member Mark Foley
has persuaded the General Accounting Office to
study the financial costs that illegals impose on
hospitals. He says "we need to remedy this problem
before we can no longer afford to take care of
Americans."
Adding millions of Guest Workers, their spouses,
and children, to our already creaking health care
system would be devastating.
I wonder what President Bush would say to a
legal resident whose family member died because of
an overwhelmed health care system: “Sorry, we
allow the illegals because it enables corporations
to avoid raising wages.”?
More Dishonesty. The Guest Worker program
would give legal status to millions of people whose
first act in this country was to commit a
crime—sneaking into the US to evade
immigration laws--and who soon committed a second
crime-- applying for a job when only legal
residents are allowed to. Countless illegals soon
go on to commit yet another crime: obtain false
documents so they can, from US taxpayers, steal
(that is the correct albeit unvarnished word) food
stamps, housing subsidies, unemployment insurance,
Medicare, and other government benefits intended
for legal residents.
Obtaining false documents couldn’t be
easier. A fake identity package including birth
certificate, Social Security card, passport, green
card, and driver's license is widely available on
the street for $50 to $70. For a similar price,
illegals can borrow the real thing. Legal
immigrants simply rent their IDs to illegals who
want to apply for a job, welfare, or Social
Security.
Can we ask legal residents to be honest--for
example, to pay their income taxes—while, per
the Guest worker program, we reward lawbreaking
illegals with legal status, an array of services
for themselves and their families, plus full US
citizenship for all subsequent offspring? In
officially welcoming millions of acknowledged
at-least two-time lawbreakers into the US, we would
exacerbate America’s already declining
honesty.
And the impacts of a dishonest society are
profound. Already, we hear of endless examples of
rampant dishonesty from corporate malfeasance to
welfare fraud, from student cheating to identity
theft to elder scams. A viable society requires
that we be able to trust what people say and
do.
More violent crime. The violent crime
rate among illegals is horrific. I wish I could
present the most germane statistic: the violent
crime rate for legal versus illegal residents, but
for reasons I can’t understand, most law
enforcement agencies are prohibited from collecting
those data. Nevertheless, related statistics are
available.
According to the California Department of Motor
Vehicles, nearly half of California's drunk driving
arrests in 2001 were Latino men. (Data for later
years is not yet available.)
An article in City Journal reports, “In Los
Angeles, up to two-thirds of all fugitive felony
warrants (17,000) are for illegal immigrants. A
confidential California Department of Justice study
reported in 1995 that 60 percent of the
20,000-strong 18th Street Gang in southern
California is illegal; police officers say the
proportion is actually much greater. The bloody
gang collaborates with the Mexican Mafia, the
dominant force in California prisons, on complex
drug-distribution schemes, extortion, and drive-by
assassinations, and commits an assault or robbery
every day in L.A. County.”
One in seven inmates in California state prisons
are illegal immigrants, serving time for crimes
other than being in the US illegally. California
taxpayers alone spend $500 million a year on
incarcerating illegals.
Astonishingly, because of so-called sanctuary
laws, police in illegal-saturated cities such as
L.A., San Diego, Houston, Austin, Chicago, and New
York are prohibited from reporting even
felons’ immigration violations to federal
authorities.
Even an illegal alien who has committed murder
rarely gets deported! According to statistics from
the former Immigration and Naturalization Service
and Immigration and Customs Enforcement, 80,000
illegals who have served prison time for felonies
including murder, rape, drug smuggling, and armed
robberies, are roaming our streets. This is
frightening indeed because, according to Bureau of
Justice statistics, within three years of prison
release, 62% commit another crime.
I wonder what President Bush would say to the
family of a person who was murdered by an
illegal.
And if the Guest Worker proposal is enacted, the
violent crime rate among illegals will only worsen.
Because most Guest Workers would have physically
demanding jobs, when they reach their 40s, their
bodies are typically no longer capable of doing
that work. At that point, with no experience other
than in manual labor, most of these people will not
be able to earn a living wage, and hopeless people
(or their children) disproportionately turn to
crime. So, as time goes on, the already horrendous
crime rate among illegals will rise further.
Endangered national security. All 19 of
the 9/11 terrorists were in the US illegally.
Peyton Knight, Director of Legislative Affairs for
the American Policy Center, a Virginia think tank,
writes, “At a time when America is under
attack by Islamist holy warriors, the Census Bureau
estimates that as many as 115,000 illegal
immigrants from Middle Eastern countries are living
in the United States.
Higher taxes. Many illegals are paid
off-the-books. Most others earn low salaries and
therefore pay little or no tax. Yet illegals are
extremely high users of tax-dollar funded programs:
education, health care, and the criminal justice
system, for example. According to US Census data,
immigrants [1] are 75% more likely to use
food stamps, medical benefits, and housing
assistance at a cost of $68 billion per year.
(Compare this with the estimated $84 billion
one-time cost of the war in Iraq.)
Some argue that illegals contribute to our
economy through their spending. In fact, because
illegals’ salaries are low, they have little
to spend. In addition, while American-born workers
spend most or all of their earnings here in the US,
creating more jobs and in turn, more tax revenues,
illegals send much of their earnings back to
relatives in their native country. For example,
according to a study by the Pew Hispanic Center and
Inter-American Development Bank, Latino immigrants
in 2002, despite the soft economy, sent a record
$23 billion to relatives and others in their home
countries.
California is already almost bankrupt. The Guest
Worker programs’ adding millions more illegals
would likely push California over the edge. Other
states with large numbers of illegals would likely
soon follow, causing illegals to move to states
that still had money to provide them with services.
Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) called the Bush plan,
“lunacy.”
Ever more illegal border crossing. If I
were a poor citizen of a poor country and learned
that the US government is not deporting illegal
aliens but instead, providing them with free health
care and education, and that with easy-to-obtain
fake ID, I could get many additional services, my
family and I would be ever more tempted to sneak
into the US.
And a majority of Mexicans, with whom the US
shares a 1,000-mile border, believe there’s
nothing wrong with doing so. According to a Zogby
poll, 57 percent believe “Mexicans should have
the right to enter the US without US
permission” and 58 percent agreed that
“the territory of the U.S.’ southwest
rightfully belongs to Mexico.”
Many Mexican leaders also hold these beliefs.
MALDEF co-founder, Mario Obledo, to whom President
Clinton awarded the U.S. Presidential Medal of
Freedom, boasted, “California is going to be a
Hispanic state. Anyone who doesn’t like it
should leave." He added: "Every constitutional
office in California is going to be held by
Hispanics in the next 20 years.” Jose Pescador
Osuna, former Mexican Consul General in Los
Angeles, said, "Even though I’m saying this
part serious and part joking, I believe we are
practicing 'La Reconquista' in California." Past
Mexican president Ernesto Zedillo, in 1997,
speaking before the national council of La Raza,
was not half-joking when he said: "I have proudly
affirmed that the Mexican nation extends beyond the
territory enclosed by its borders and that Mexican
migrants are an important – a very important
– part of this." And Mexico’s current
president, Vicente Fox has marched La Reconquista
forward by having convinced President Bush to
provide legal status for millions of illegals.
In Sum
As I mentioned earlier, I am far from an
American flag-waver, but despite its flaws, America
has, heretofore, been a land of exceptional
opportunity and innovation. As I get older, I
especially appreciate that America has spawned more
life-saving medical advances and quality-of-life
improvements than any country in the world. America
has also provided trillions in foreign aid, and is
the only country in the world with a worldwide
Peace Corps, a tremendous service to the people of
the developing world.
Uncontrolled immigration promises to destroy
that. Of course, many illegal immigrants do
valuable work, but their net impact, as I have
demonstrated, is already very negative, and
promises to decimate America.
Yet, in fear of not sufficiently celebrating
diversity, and in pandering to Corporate
America’s thirst for cheap, compliant labor,
both Democrats and Republicans are not only failing
to defend against the overwhelming invasion by
illegals but are encouraging it.
As a result, every year, America is dying
faster. President Bush’s Guest Worker proposal
and the similar bills working their way through
Congress would accelerate America’s death, a
dagger in the middle class’s heart.
And what about the millions of people worldwide
who have patiently waited so they can immigrate to
the US legally? Can we expect they’ll continue
to wait? Or will they just come on in, accelerating
the overwhelming of America.
This is sad, not only for America, but for the
world. For example, developing nations benefit from
a US government and a Corporate America wealthy
enough to invest in those countries. For example,
when US corporations establish operations in
developing nations, they pay employees much more
than the country’s prevailing wages and offer
far better working conditions. So, a dying America
contributes to declining standard of living to
people around the globe.
By having de facto suspended our immigration
laws, we will soon be just another of the
world’s countries struggling just to cope with
its own residents’ poverty.
An Alternative
For both humanitarian and practical reasons, the
US should not round up and deport illegal
aliens.
Instead, the US should impose and enforce severe
penalties on employers who hire illegals. If an
employer cannot find a legal worker, it must
improve salaries and working conditions until a
legal resident will take the position. The
government must also eliminate incentives for
foreigners to sneak into the US: no benefits to
illegals and their families except for emergency
health care.
Also, we should do more to make citizens of
other countries less eager to leave their
homeland.
Such efforts should focus on Mexico because it
is the source of the majority of illegal immigrants
to the US. What could be done? Mexico is home to
half of Latin America’s billionaires. Mexico
should more heavily tax its wealthy to provide
higher-quality education and health care for all
its citizens. US banks and non-profits, perhaps
with a government subsidy, should provide
microloans to help Mexican citizens start their own
local businesses. For 25 years, microloans have
helped millions of poor people to raise their
standard of living, even in the most
poverty-wracked countries. In addition, the Mexican
government needs to take some responsibility for
its people’s poverty. For example, its
government is notoriously corrupt, creating a gap
between rich and poor that dwarfs the disparity we
so decry in the US. If President Fox is to expect
the US to assist Mexico, he needs to make all
efforts to clean up the corruption.
If you believe that uncontrolled immigration is
damaging to America and indirectly to the world,
seek out candidates willing to control immigration.
Trouble is, I can’t find one.
[1] The census doesn’t identify
residents as legal or illegal, but the consensus
estimate is that 2/3 of all immigrants in the US
are illegal.
Choosing a College or
Graduate School
‘Tis the season to pick your college or grad
school.
But how to choose? The colleges don’t make
it easy. So many students end up choosing the
slickest brochure or most engaging tour guide
rather than the best college or graduate
program.
Here’s an insider’s approach to
choosing:
Ask to see the college or program’s most
recent accreditation visiting team report. That
document summarizes experts’ evaluation of the
college or program. Where might you obtain it? The
admissions office, an administrative assistant in
the academic department in which you’d be a
student, the department chair, the
institution’s website, or the office of the
president.
Ask for the results from the latest student or
alumni satisfaction survey. Try the above sources
or the alumni office.
Ask an admissions officer or the chair of your
prospective academic department, “What percent
of students graduate in the expected time?”
For example, what percentage of undergraduates
graduate in four years? Even better, ask,
“What percentage of students with grades and
test scores similar to mine graduate in the
expected time?”
Check out a prospective advisor. Read the
faculty biographies in your prospective major or
graduate program and phone the person you think
you’d like to be your advisor. Would you like
that advisor to be your mentor?
Go to the college’s or program’s
website. Review the course descriptions and syllabi
for the courses you’d likely be taking. How
beneficial do you think those courses would be?
Sit in on advanced class. At the end of class,
ask students how they liked the program and about
the career prospects for graduates. Afterwards,
also ask yourself, “Could I see myself fitting
in with these students?”
Compare financial aid packages among the schools
that admitted you. Many financial aid packages
consist mostly of interest-bearing loans. Also ask,
“If my financial situation doesn’t
change, am I guaranteed the same amount of cash aid
each year I’m in school?”
Talk with the person who specializes in helping
graduates find jobs. What percentage of graduates
in your major or program land good jobs within six
months of graduation?
Remember, there is a glut of college and
graduate degree holders. The Bureau of Labor
Statistics just reported that for the first time
since it started collecting data, there are more
unemployed college graduates than high school
dropouts! Why? Because colleges continue to admit
students without regard to whether they will be
employable, and because companies are offshoring
many well-paying jobs but not the low-paying ones
that only high school dropouts are willing to
accept.
Don’t be deceived by the statistic that
college and graduate degree holders earn much more
over their lifetimes. You could lock the
college-bound in a closet for four years and
they’d earn more because, as a group,
they’re brighter, more motivated, and have
more family connections than the non-college bound.
Yes, a degree adds to your employability, but so
would four years at what I call You U: on-the-job
training, especially if you supplement by finding
mentors, reading books and articles, attending
seminars, and professional conferences. And instead
of spending tens of thousands of dollars,
you’d be earning tens of thousands of
dollars.
Advice I’d Give My Child
Amy, colleges and graduate schools are great
places to learn for the sake of learning, to become
a more thoughtful citizen, a connoisseur of life,
and certainly to meet interesting people. But
colleges do a poor job of career preparation. You
spend too much time learning huge quantities of
arcana of interest primarily to academic types or
theoretical models with little applicability to the
real world. .Think of all those Yale Law School
graduates you know who came out feeling they had no
idea how to practice law and had to learn on the
job.
Sure, if you wanted to be a doctor, you have to
go to medical school. But as someone who aspires to
being a leader, an activist, and the like, consider
foregoing State U let alone Private U in favor of
You U.
Men's Career Issues
Most career issues apply to both sexes, but in
honor of Father's day, here are my thoughts on some
men's career issues
Used wisely, male aggressiveness is a
strength
Do not listen to those who say aggressiveness is
a bad characteristic. Use your aggressiveness as a
wise warrior would use a weapon. Its power can
benefit you, your employer and the world, but it
must be used judiciously, sometimes even
surreptitiously.
Do not confuse aggressiveness with anger
Angry people are usually unsuccessful in the
workplace and may place their health at risk. If
you find yourself angry at someone, replace your
fury with empathy, remembering that that person is
probably doing the best he or she can. Be grateful
you are more capable
If you are angry at your life situation,
remember that if you are living in the Bay Area and
not in chronic pain or late-stage terminal illness,
your life is probably better than 95 percent of the
people on the planet. Fortune has smiled upon you.
Go through life with a spirit of gratitude.
Do not uncritically accept that you should be
the primary breadwinner
Each couple must discuss this openly in being
the primary breadwinner, are you forced to take a
job that makes you unhappy or overly stressed?
Would you be much happier in a lower-paying job?
Should your wife assume more of the financial
responsibility, even if it means that she is not
home as much with the kids?(The evidence is
equivocal on whether stay-at-home moms' kids do
better.) Should you do more of the housework? The
parenting? Fortunately, there are no rules -- there
is no more "mens work" or women's work." Each
couple should craft for themselves the division of
labor that best accommodates both spouses'
strengths and preferences.
Consider non-traditional careers
Some traditional female careers are unusually
rewarding: nurse, librarian, teacher, editor and
graphic designer, for example. And in the case of
nursing, the job market is good and salaries are
high, A real man chooses a career that feels aright
for him without worrying that it's a "manly"
career.
Consciously decide how you want to react to
reverse discrimination
No employer will admit it publicly, but in many,
although certainly no all workplaces, women receive
favoritism in hiring and promotion over men who are
more competent and willing to work longer
hours.
You could try a lawsuit, but that is chancy and
exhausting. Or you could make a career of changing
the conventional wisdom that reverse discrimination
is a net good.
If you don't want to pursue either of those
options, get over it. Reverse discrimination is a
fact of life today. It's bad enough you may be
treated unfairly. There is no need to let it
destroy your peace of mind. that reminds me of the
story of Massoud and Tarik on camels in the meddle
of the desert. Suddenly a marauder gallops up, robs
them of their money and gallops away. Massoud is
distraught while Tarik remains calm, Massoud
sputters, "How can you stay calm" Tarik replied,
"He stole my money. I won't let him also steal my
peace of mind"
Forestall aging
Men die an average of six years younger than
women, and it seems that more men than woman in
their min-to late-50s show significant decline in
physical and mental capability. Some of the cause
is probably physiological -- the current theory is
that estrogen protects.
But you do have some control. Because men are
at-risk of earlier decline, it's especially
important that men do what they can to forestall
aging and disease. I'm not telling you anything new
here, but perhaps this is a wakeup call to get
serious about controlling your weight, not smoking,
drinking no more than moderately, and doing regular
moderate exercise. Science is finding that your
mother may have been right. Walking may be the be
the best exercise
I'd also recommend thinking twice about any
extreme diet, including low-carb. Like most fads
that preceded low-carb diets, anything extreme too
often ends up having unwanted side effects. And
even in terms of weight loss, a recent study found
that although for the first six months, low-carb
dieters lose more that dieters on balanced
low-calorie diets, after a year they're equal. See
your doctor before beginning any diet, but you may
be on the safest ground by following the
just-released FDA guidelines which reject low-carb
diets in favor of a well-balanced diet: not too
many carbs, not too few. Focus on whole-grain
rather than refined-grain carbs. Eat lots of fruits
and veggies. Keep your calories down by avoiding
high-fat foods,
Advice I'd give my child
Today, men are often portrayed as lesser than
women. Textbooks, college professors, sitcoms,
movies, even newspaper and magazine features tend
to portray women as the good guys and men as
testosterone-poisoned boors, crooks, or
abusers.
The fact is that most men are hard working,
goal-oriented and straight-shooting. The world
needs both men and women. Don't forget it.
Are You Lazy?
I know many people who are lazy. Yes, lazy.
That’s not a word we’re supposed to use
these days. The supposedly more insightful terms
include, “fearful,” “stuck,”
and “procrastinating,”
Yes, sometimes, fears are so severe as to be
paralyzing, but often with reasonable effort, a
person can feel the fear and do it anyway. Those
who don’t make that effort are lazy.
Are you like any of these people?
The Professional Student. School is fun:
You’re always learning new things and doing so
on a pleasant college campus. Plus, you’re not
responsible for anyone but yourself. So,
professional students, after finishing their
bachelor’s degree (usually taking more than
four years) decide to get a graduate degree, often
in an impractical but fun field of study. And if
they do choose a practical field, they don’t
do what non-lazy people do to ensure future
employment: do papers and theses that would enhance
their employability and build relationships with
potential employers. Instead, a few years after
finishing their second degree, many professional
students contemplate pursuing a third. Thus, they
take, take, take from society, but never
contribute.
The Slacker. They take sick days when
they’re not sick, take family leave using a
bogus excuse, or play on the Internet or chat with
friends during the workday. I had a client who
bragged that she has managed, for 10 years, to hang
on to a 70K a year job at BART while working less
than one hour a day! Slackers don’t think of
the above as stealing from their employers, but
that’s precisely what they’re doing. In
addition, slackers force their already hard-working
co-workers to do the slacker’s work.
The Workers Comp Fraud. This is a variation on
The Slacker. Of course, many workers compensation
claims are legitimate, but many are not. I know. In
my private practice, I’ve had quite a few
clients admit they were malingerers or had
exaggerated their disability’s severity.
The Long-Term Stay-At-Home Parent. Even though
their kids are in school all day, these people
rationalize that it’s better for the kids that
they not work outside the home even during the
school day! This forces the other parent to have a
high-paying career such as manager at a widget
corporation, which is often less rewarding than the
career they’d otherwise choose: for example,
teacher or artist. The unvarnished reason why many
long-term stay-at-home parents don’t look for
a paying job is laziness.
The Phony Job Seeker. These people hide their
laziness by claiming they’re holding out for a
great job. They’re unemployed or employed in a
too-easy or part-time job for a long time, and make
little effort to find that great job, certainly not
the 20 to 30 hours a week that all career experts
recommend.
I find it hard to believe that such people, as
they put their heads on the pillow each night, feel
good about themselves
I’m hoping this column is a wakeup call. If
you see yourself in any of the people above, ask
yourself, “Do I really want to live my life as
a lazy person? Is that the role model I want to
provide to my children? When I’m looking back
on my life, how will I feel that I was a lazy
person?”
The irony is that work, along with love,
enhances your life more than anything. And I mean
anything. Whether you’re a clerk or a CEO,
knowing you are contributing to making the world
run will make you feel good about who you are. You
will have legitimately earned good self-esteem.
There is no cure for depression more potent than
throwing yourself into work. And of course,
there’s the money. The harder (and smarter)
you work, the more money you will likely make.
Advice I’d Give My Child
Fortunately, my child is far from lazy. But if
she were, I’d first ask, “Amy, compare
yourself not to fellow slackers, but to the people
you most admire. How much harder do they work than
you do? Do they seem less or more happy than you
are? Are they more or less financially
successful?
Then I’d tell her to try to go cold turkey:
“Amy, from this moment on, instead of using
that good brain of yours to figure out ways to
avoid doing work, think of all the ways you could
be as productive as possible. Try it for a week,
even a day. See if you’re happier or
sadder.
Toward a Life Well Led
Past columns have discussed two keys to a life well
led. In one, I argued that status is a false God:
that status-seeking--whether in choosing a career
or buying possessions--often leads to an
unfulfilling life. People who have modest material
aspirations and choose less money-centric careers
are often more content.
In another column, I spoke of procrastination as
career cancer, indeed life cancer. Key to a life
well led is recognizing that you’ll be happier
if you look for opportunities to work rather than
ways to avoid work.
In this column, I’ll discuss three other
practices toward a life well led.
How you address problems. When faced with an
important decision, many people think, think, and
think some more. Usually, they end up thinking
themselves into analysis paralysis. They’re
scared to ask for help, and if they do, they
struggle to make even one phone call because
they’re filled with undue fear of imposing or
sounding stupid.
You take a big step toward a life well led if
you use the following approach to addressing
problems:
1. Think for just a short time.
2. They try something—ideally something
entailing little risk or time. For example, if
you’re thinking about becoming a nurse, Google
around, only reading truly on-target web pages. Do
not at all be afraid to cold-call nurses to learn
more about the profession. Even if you might sound
awkward, your honorable intent will still come
through. And don’t worry about imposing
because you know that most people like to be
helpful and if not, the person can say no. You
should simply call the Kaiser switchboard and ask
to speak with a med-surg nurse, an ICU nurse, an
OB-GYN nurse, or all of the above. Another example:
if you were thinking of starting a business selling
knockoff designer eyeglass frames to optometrists,
take that first low-risk step: ask manufacturers
for samples and pricing.
3. If such a quick, low-risk step succeeds, keep
moving forward with other quick, minimally risky
steps. If a step produces a negative result, go
back and think--only for a bit--and then try
something else.
4. Throughout, enjoy the process of taking each
step: the treasure hunt of scouting for
information, the pleasure of having interesting
interactions with new people.
How you invest. The price of a stock is the
entire world’s best estimate of what that
stock is worth. Unless you have inside information,
you are highly unlikely to better assess whether a
stock is a bargain or a rip-off at that price. So,
don’t try to pick stocks. Instead, consider
putting the stock/bond part of your investments
into index funds—a market basket of stocks.
For example, an S&P 500 Index Fund invests in
all the stocks in the S&P 500—500 major
companies. Index funds provide diversification,
risk control, and low fees. Vanguard (vanguard.com)
offers an S&P 500 Index Fund and many other
highly regarded index funds.
Nor should you try to time the market—the
world’s greatest financial minds have been
unable to. If you try to time the market,
psychology is such that you usually buy when the
stock is high and sell when it’s low. So, as
soon as you have money to invest, invest it
immediately. That avoids the psychology problem and
puts your money to work for you immediately.
Even though real estate has done very well in
the past, realize that it may or may not do well in
the future. What is certain is that a real estate
investment is time consuming: buying, fixing,
managing, and selling. So, especially today, when
the average Bay Area home costs much more than even
a person earning $150,000 a year can afford, be
cautious about investing in real estate.
Avoid playing victim. My father spent years in a
Nazi concentration camp and after the war was
dumped in the Bronx without any family, money,
education, nor speaking a word of English. One day
I asked him, “Dad, when you talk about the
Holocaust, you never sound bitter.” He
replied, “The Nazis took five years of my
life. I won’t give them one minute more. Never
look back. Always look forward.”
Too many people in the Bay Area spend a lot of
time looking back, blaming their present problems
on their parents, their spouse, past racism,
sexism, homophobia, etc.
Advice I’d Give My Child
Don’t look back. Look forward.
Men As Beasts of
Burden
There are five widows for every widower.
Kevin, 37, is a computer programmer, making
$80,000 a year, $48,000 after taxes. His wife,
Lisa, stays home to take care of their two-year
old. She is pregnant with another child, and eager
for them to buy a home. Kevin doesn’t like
being a programmer, but fears that a career change
will mean a salary cut.
I asked Kevin, “Is owning a home important
to you?” He replied, “It’s very
important to Lisa.” I asked him how he felt
about having the second child. He sighed,
“Okay, but Lisa really wants it.”
I asked, “When you first called me, you
said you feel the stress is killing you. Should you
be shouldering all the family’s financial
responsibilities?” He pursed his lips:
“Lisa reminds me that before we got married, I
agreed to have two kids. She says, and I guess I
agree, that to bring our kids up right and maintain
a home is a full-time job. And she doesn’t
have my earning capacity.” Kevin rubbed his
head.
Over the past 17 years, I have been career coach
to 1,500 middle and upper class women and to 500
middle-to-upper class men. Because of our
relationships’ confidentiality, I have learned
much about what women really think on a number of
issues.
Most surprising to me, is that at least half of
the women, including many graduates of elite
colleges, either don’t want an income-earning
job or will only work part-time in an unusually
pleasant job.
A recent New York Times article suggests that my
clients are not an anomaly. It reported that the
number of stay-at-home moms has increased 13
percent in less than a decade, and among working
women, 2/3 work part-time. This is true even of
graduates of prestigious colleges, women who were
bestowed a fiercely competed-for slot at an elite
college on the assumption they would use that
coveted degree to make a big difference in the
world.
Few of those women’s application essays
indicated they planned to be housewives. Yet among
Stanford’s class of ’81, in just their
first decade after graduation, 57 percent of
mothers spent at least a year at home full-time.
One in four stayed home full-time for three or more
years. A survey of the women from the Harvard
Business School classes of 1981, 1985, and 1991
found that only 38 percent of all women—even
if childless--were working full time. And beyond
the elite colleges, among white men, 95% of all
MBAs in the U.S. work full time, while the number
for white women was just 67 percent.
And “full-time” doesn’t mean the
same for men and women. Among my 1,500 female
clients and many friends, very few are willing to
sacrifice work/life balance to work the 60+ hours a
week it normally takes to rise to the top of a
profession.
Yet women’s groups complain that women are
“underrepresented” in the power
professions: senior executives, professors, etc.,
because of a glass ceiling they claim is erected by
men.
Of course, there are many ambitious, achieving
women who are men’s equals or superiors. But
many of my female clients and friends prefer the
life of a housewife, perhaps augmented by a
pleasant little part-time job, even if it means
their husband, whom they claim to love, must work
long, hard hours on jobs few women would consider.
For example, the vast majority of people who work
in iron foundries, coalmines, and other clanging,
polluted environments are men. According to the
United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, 92
percent of workplace deaths occur to men.
Dan, a client of mine (name changed) avoided
breathing carcinogenic air, but his life is still
at risk. He has two masters degrees in counseling,
but in the big city, where it seems there’s a
therapist under every rock, hasn’t been able
to land a job as a counselor. He has a few private
clients, which in total earn him $6,000 a year. He
adds $8,000 as a mock patient in a medical school,
and at night, Dan, 54, moonlights as a waiter at a
large restaurant. He says, “It’s almost
¼ mile from the kitchen to the farthest table,
so when I get home at one in the morning, I’m
exhausted. But I’m still so wired, I need a
couple of glasses of wine to get to sleep. If
I’m lucky, I get five hours of sleep before I
have to get up again.”
Dan’s wife Denise, a Cornell graduate, is
47 and says she’s a musician. But in their
years together, her net income has averaged just
$800 a year. When Dan encourages Denise to get a
job that pays, she objects:“ But I love being
a musician. I’m trying to make a living at
it.” He keeps urging her to get a paying job,
but after a while, he gives up. He can’t make
her get a job.
Meanwhile, Dan continues to drag himself through
life like an ox yoked to a plow, a beast of burden.
“I don’t know how long I can keep this
up.” Statistically, he’s right. Medical
science is unequivocal that stress and overwork
kills. No doubt, that contributes to their being
five widows for every widower.
To be fair, many men prefer their wives to stay
home, but often, the impetus comes from the woman.
Many women use dubious arguments to convince their
husbands that they should have, at most, a
part-time job:
It’s better for the children. Yes, on
average, kids with a stay-at-home-mom do somewhat
better, but that is largely because couples that
can afford to have mom staying at home are, on
average, from a higher socioeconomic class, which
confers many other benefits on the child.
A number of studies indicate that being a
working mom doesn't hurt and may even help the
child. For example, the most recent study (July
2003) Caring and Counting: The impact of mothers'
employment on family relationships by Tracey
Reynolds, Claire Callender and Rosalind Edwards,
reports, "...the mother's work had a positive
impact on their family relationships. The mother's
employment provided skills and resources that meant
they could meet their children's emotional,
developmental and material needs better. Their
relationship with their partner was enhanced
because they shared the financial burden of
providing for their family and had more common
interests." Thebook, Ask The Children, is based on
in-depth interviews with 600 parents and more than
1,000 children in the third through twelfth grades
from diverse backgrounds. Itfound that "having a
working mother is not predictive of how children
assess their mothers' parenting skills, based on a
number of attributes strongly linked to children's
healthy development and school success. These
include 'being someone I can go to when I am upset'
and 'knowing what is really going on in my life.'"
This study's results were reported to the public in
a cover story in Working Mother magazine called
"Hey Moms, Drop the Guilt!" Millions of children
with working moms do just fine. What counts most is
quality time: reasonably consistent, loving,
limit-setting but not punitive parenting, even if
it begins after the workday.
Here are links to additional research indicating
that, if anything, kids and moms benefit when mom
works outside the home:
Lest you think I haven’t practiced what I
preach, my wife went back to work full-time, nine
weeks after our daughter was born, and she turned
out just fine: well-adjusted, voted UCLA’s
outstanding undergraduate student, whereafter she
got a White House internship, after which she went
to Yale Law School, is now a successful attorney
and about to marry a wonderful guy.
And even if a child accrues some advantage from
having a stay-at-home mom, that advantage is
usually more than outweighed by thepressure added
to the husband’s life and the lifestyle
decrement that comes from the lack of a second
income. One such decrement is that men who must
earn all the family income are precluded from
considering rewarding but not lucrative careers
such as teaching, and most jobs in non-profits, the
arts, journalism, etc.
Adding to the unfairness, women, on average, are
more motivated than their husbands to have children
to begin with. The man is often pressured, subtly
or not subtly, into parenthood, with all its added
financial and time demands.
Taking care of the kids and home is a full-time
job. These women stretch homemaking into a
full-time job with activities far less beneficial
than a second income to the family and certainly to
her husband’s health and quality of life:
preparing home-cooked dinners most nights, sitting
with other moms watching a playgroup when a
babysitter could do that, etc.
Being a homemaker is at least as stressful as
being in the work world. These women point to their
having to deal with a frequently crying baby or
claim that being at home is a three-ring circus.
But fact is, a significant percentage of many
stay-at-home moms' days are spent on low-stress
tasks such as supermarket shopping, playing with
the baby, making dinner, and chatting with friends
while baby is napping.
That life is much less stressful than most
out-of-home jobs, which are filled with
unpredictable commutes, ever increasing workloads
because of the relentless downsizing, bosses with
unrealistic expectations, co-workers who don’t
pull their weight, and tough tasks, which if not
completed satisfactorily can result in criticism or
even firing.
I don’t have your earning power. Dr. Warren
Farrell’s research debunks the flawed research
that claims women earn 79 cents on the dollar. When
controlled for hours on the job, performance
evaluations, and years of experience, women earn
$1.01 for every dollar men earn.
And the reason women have fewer years of
experience is that they disproportionately elect to
stay home with their children, or even if they work
“full-time,” they work far fewer hours
than their male counterparts so they can spend more
time with their kids or on their avocations. Many
more women than men —full-time workers and
not-- ensure they have time for yoga, get-togethers
with friends, art class, gardening, and visits to
the day spa. Since 2000, despite the economic
downturn, the number of spa visits nationwide, the
vast majority of which are made by women, has
doubled!
Women don’t just spend on day spas.
They’re, overall, the bigger spenders. Yes,
men buy more tools and technotoys but women, even
when they contribute little or nothing to the
family income, are the predominant spenders:
clothing, jewelry, therapy, home redecorating of no
interest to the man, etc. Most shopaholics are
women. Every expenditure loads additional pressure
onto the primary breadwinner, which is usually the
husband.
Most of my male clients have accepted their
plight of having to work, work, work at
unrewarding, even dangerous jobs. Biology, parents,
and society have programmed men to be the hunter,
the provider, to keep their nose to the grindstone,
no matter what. Too many wives only encourage it.
Just today, a client of mine who earns more than
$200,000 a year as a not-partner attorney at a
major law firm, exclaimed, “If I don’t
push NOW to make partner, my wife will kill
me!”
Usually, the wife won’t kill the husband,
but often will divorce him, at least in part
because “he wasn't a good provider.” And
most courts reward her with custody of the child
and a requirement that the father pay child support
and/or alimony.
When I ask a male client to step back and think
about it, many of them realize that their wives
have tried—usually successfully--to subtly or
not so subtly coerce them into being the primary or
sole breadwinner, the beast of burden. Those women
make the above arguments, plus use manipulative
techniques such as crying, guilt-tripping,
screaming, avoiding the topic of getting a job, and
forever promising to look for work but making
feeble efforts.
Meanwhile, many men live bleak lives: work 10+
hours, commute home, and drop into the couch
exhausted. And their reward: an early grave.
Despite obesity being more prevalent among women,
there are five widows for every widower. Yet all we
hear about is another fundraiser for breast
cancer.
If a husband hasn't done so already, he should
consider having an open discussion with his wife
about work and money. For example:
•“Will buying a house or having
another child put too much financial pressure on
us?”
•“If we decide to make those high-cost
expenditures, do we want to put all the financial
burden on one partner so the other can stay home to
raise the child? Or should it be divided more
evenly?”
•“Should I refuse to work at an
unrewarding high-stress or dangerous job?”
The elite colleges should issue the following
exhortation to their students, male and female: "As
you well know, the diploma you will receive from
this institution will open the doors of influence:
from medical research to non-profit directorship,
from corporate leadership to stewardship of the
arts. In accepting one of the precious few student
seats at this institution, you tacitly accept the
responsibility to society to make the most of that
coveted degree. We encourage you to aim high, to
use that degree to make the biggest difference you
can for humankind. As important as being a good
parent is, you don't need an elite degree to do
that."
(I changed a few irrelevant details about my
clients to protect their anonymity.)
Today’s Double
Standard
We justify devoting vastly disproportionate amounts
of our tax dollars to African-Americans because of
their deficits: low achievement, low income, high
rates of crime, drug abuse, and AIDS,
We similarly justify disproportionate spending
on women. If women are not proportionately
represented in the boardroom and only earn 80 cents
on the dollar—even if it’s because, of
their own choice, they don’t want to work long
hours--advocacy groups, through their mouthpieces
in the media, decry the situation and promulgate an
endless series of efforts to help women, usually at
the expense of men.
So, it would only seem fair that when men have a
deficit, they get disproportionate attention.
What’s that deficit? A crucial one: how long
they live. Men die six years sooner than women.
There are more than four widows for every
widower!
So, it would only seem fair that more health
research and health education dollars be spent on
men than on women. Yet in the budget of every
federal health agency, more money is spent on
women’s health than on men’s. There are
seven federal health agencies specifically for
women. Not one for men. 39 of the 50 states have an
office of women’s health, only six have one
for men. A search of more than 3,000 medical
journals listed in Index Medicus found that 23
articles were written on women’s health for
each one written on men’s. Although a woman is
only 14 percent more likely to die from breast
cancer than a man is from prostate cancer, funding
for breast cancer research is 660 percent greater
than funding for prostate cancer research. Even the
post office has gotten into the act: there is only
one disease for which you can buy a postage stamp
and the profits will go to research to cure the
disease: breast cancer, even though heart disease
kills millions more men prematurely. !
Before the age of 65, men die of heart attacks
at three times the rate of women.
The bias against men is not limited to
government-funded efforts. Even though men die
younger, and men’s last decade is spent in
worse health than women’s, most media and
private sector attention goes to women’s
health: features on menopause on CNN, articles on
osteoporosis in the Kaiser Permanente newsletter,
and nonstop corporate-sponsored fundraisers for
breast cancer: runs for breast cancer, walks for
breast cancer, even go to an A’s game for
breast cancer. Baseball, a game played by and
watched primarily by men, has a Breast Cancer Day,
but not a Heart Attack Day, even though millions
more people—primarily men—die prematurely
of heart disease. Yet when the media pays attention
to heart disease, most of it is focused on women,
even though women get heart disease long after the
average man is dead.
Feminists and other liberals offer excuses such
as, “Men got most of the research money in the
past. Let’s even the score.” The
implication is that researchers were only
interested in making men healthy. The real reason
men were overrepresented among medical research
subjects was because few women would volunteer for
the often dangerous trials. As a result, most
research was done on volunteers from prison or the
military, the vast majority of whom were men. And
did men inadvertently benefit? Men still live six
years shorter than women, a gap that, over the past
four decades, has decreased by just one year.
Another feminist excuse for the underspending on
men’s health is, “Men just need to
organize like we women do.” I don’t hear
women making that argument to other groups. Could
you imagine feminists responding to
African-Americans’ concerns about lack of
funding with, “Blacks just need to organize
like we women do?”
Most often, feminists and other liberals justify
underspending on men’s health by blaming men
themselves for their early demise: “If they
only saw their doctor more often.” Fact is,
far more potent than doctor visits in staving off
the major killers (cardiovascular disease, cancer,
and diabetes) are avoiding overweight and not
smoking. Yet women, not men, have higher rates of
obesity and smoking. Despite that, I don’t
hear feminists or liberals saying, “It’s
women’s own fault. Let’s not fund
research on women and heart disease, cancer, and
diabetes.” They want ever more money spent on
women’s health. Nor do liberals say,
“AIDS is caused by careless behavior so we
shouldn’t spend money on AIDS.”
Only when straight men are involved, do the
liberals sound like conservatives, telling men to
pull themselves up by the bootstraps. With women,
gays and minorities, the message is, “It takes
a village.”
A fair society cannot have it both ways. It
either needs to decide to allocate resources based
on deficits or spend in proportion to the
population: men 49% and women 51%, minorities 25%
and whites 75%, heterosexuals 98% and homosexuals
2%. A double standard that hurts straight men is
grossly unfair.
© 2009, Marty
Nemko
* * *
Marty
Nemko holds a PhD from the University of
California, Berkeley, and subsequently taught in
Berkeley’s Graduate School of Education. He is
the worklife columnist in the Sunday San Francisco
Chronicle and is the producer and host of Work With
Marty Nemko, heard Sundays at 11 on 91.7 FM in
(NPR, San Francisco), and worldwide on
www.martynemko.com
.
400+ of his published writings are available free
on that website and is a co-editor of
Cool
Careers for Dummies.
and author of The All-in-One College Guide.
E-Mail.
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