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July
Demeaning and Demoralizing Divorced Dads
It's not news that fathers face many obstacles in
trying to maintain close relationships with their
daughters and sons after divorce. The question is,
what can we do about it?
You don't have to be a divorced parent or a
professional who works with divorced families in
order to take the first step in helping divorced
fathers and their kids stay bonded. There are a
number of myths and misconceptions in our society
that work against fathers relationships with their
kids after divorce. So your first step is to
educate yourself about the statistical facts and
realities and to share this informatoin with
everyone you know:
Myth: Dads aren't capable of raising kids on
their own. Reality: Kids raised by single fathers
are just as well adjusted and just as happy as kids
raised by single mothers.
Myth: It doesn't matter much to adult children
how much time they spent with their dads after
their parents' divorce. Reality: Many adult
children wish their mother had allowed or been
enthusiastic about their spending more time with
their fathers after the parents’ divorce.
Myth: Almost all children are seriously and
permanently damage by their parents' divorce.
Reality: Very few children have serious, ongoing
problems as a result of their parents' divorce.
Myth: As long as the mother is a good enough
parent, the kids won't suffer from having too
little contact with their father. Reality: The
greater the damage to their relationship with their
fathers, the more likely kids are to have problems
throughout their lives that are the result of
father absence.
Myth: Most fathers are carefree, swinging
bachelors after their divorce. Reality: Fathers are
more likely than mothers to be depressed and
suicidal after divorce—mainly because they
miss their kids.
Myth: Well educated parents are far more
cooperative and more likely to do what's best for
their kids after their divorce than less educated
parents. Reality: College-educated, white parents
are not necessarily more cooperative and the wives
may be angrier than less educated women over
financial matters.
Myth: Most divorced men are deadbeat dads who
don't make their child support payments. Reality:
The vast majority of divorced fathers are making
their child support payments in full. The men who
don't pay child support usually have never been
married and are poorly educated or unemployed.
Myth: It's up to the father what kind of
relationship he has with his kids after divorce.
Reality: The more enthusiastic and supportive the
mother is, the more likely the father is to
maintain a close relationship with his
children.
Myth: When dad remarries, he usually stops
seeing his kids and quits paying child support.
Reality: Getting remarried generally has little
impact or no impact on how much time a father
spends with his children or how much money he sends
them.
Let's get these messages across so that children
will have fewer negative beliefs about their
fathers after divorce and so that we can offer more
emotional support and understanding to divorced
dads.
* The complete list of references for these
research studies and statistics are in "Embracing
Your Father:How to Build the Relationship You
Always Wanted With Your Dad.".
©2008 Dr. Linda
Nielsen
See Books,
Issues,
Resources
* * *
It is easier for a father to have children than
for children to have a real father. Pope John
XXIII
Dr. Nielsen
has been teaching, counseling, conducting research
and writing about adolescents and father-daughter
relationships since 1970. A member of Phi Beta
Kappa and the recipient of the outstanding
graduate's award in teacher education from the
University of Tennessee in 1969, she taught and
counseled high school students for several years.
After earning a Master's Degree in Counseling and a
Doctorate in Educational and Adolescent Psychology,
she joined the faculty of Wake Forest University in
1974. Her grants and awards include the Outstanding
Article Award in 1980 from the U.S. Center for
Women Scholars and a postdoctoral fellowship from
the American Association of University Women. For
the past fifteen years she has focused primarily on
father-daughter relationships with a special
emphasis on divorced fathers and their daughters.
Her work has been cited in the "Wall Street
Journal" as well as in popular magzines such as
"Cosmopolitan", and shared through television and
radio interviews..
In 1991 she created her "Fathers
& Daughters" course - the only college course
in the country that focuses exclusively on
father-daughter relationships. In addition to
having written several dozen articles for journals
such as the "Harvard Educational Review" and the
"Journal of Divorce & Remarriage", Dr. Nielsen
has written three books: How to Motivate
Adolescents (Prentice Hall) and Adolescence: A
Contemporary View (Harcourt Brace) which sold more
than 60,000 copies and was adopted by hundreds of
universities throughout the country and abroad
between 1986-1996. Her third book, Embracing
Your Father: Creating the Relationship You Want
with Your Dad was
published in April, 2004. www.wfu.edu/~nielsen
or E-Mail
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