|
October
Q&A About the Book Taking the Bully by
the Horns
1. Why was "Taking the Bully by the Horns"
written?
There is a great need for information on bullies
now as a lot of children are having problems. I
know this because I receive a lot of mail asking
for help from parents, children and educators.
Also, our book was written right before all the
school shootings and bomb threats began so there is
a definite NEED for it.
2. How did Dr. Carter become your
co-author?
My book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" is the
children's version of Dr. Jay Carter's best-selling
book, "Nasty People." Dr. Carter asked me to write
this book because he had liked my short stories
that I wrote for children. He had placed an ad in
the newspaper for a co-author and said he picked me
over 50 other authors who submitted writing samples
because he felt I had a way with talking to
kids.
3. How does his influence affect the
book?
Jay Carter is a psychologist and owner of the
Center for Self-esteem & Carter Counseling. Our
book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" is largely
about self-esteem and self-help because of his
influence. The book not only teaches kids how to
handle bullies, but also shows kids how they can
improve their self-esteem and feel good about
themselves. This will help them grow into healthy,
strong adults.
4. Who is the book intended to help?
Educators are helped by using "Taking the Bully
by the Horns" to control their school's bullies and
also to help their school's victims. Teachers &
parents are helped by reading the book to their
children or having them read it themselves. And
children/young adults are helped - both victims AND
bullies. The victims will learn how to handle
bullies and where to get help. The bullies will
learn how their negative actions are affecting
people and how to change their behavior. Both are
helped with self-esteem as well which is very
important when dealing with these issues.
5. How can we order your books &
videos?
There is info. available at our web site:
www.kathynoll.com
or, to order our four videos and books by mail,
please send $12.95 each plus $3.95 S/H to: Kathy
Noll, 3300 Chestnut St., Reading, PA 19605 Thank
you. Schools may use purchase orders. Discounts are
available for orders of 20 or more items for
workshops/Dr. Carter's programs/classroom use.
6. Define Bullying; what does it consist
of?
Bullying consists of ongoing threats, physical
attacks, words, gestures, or social exclusion
directed at a student or students by a student or
group of students who are older, bigger, or more
powerful. Besides physical bullying, there is also
verbal bullying and mental bullying which may
include: teasing, swearing, put downs, gossiping,
twisting your words around, judging you unfairly,
making you self-conscious, passing blame, bossing,
embarrassing you in front of a group, making you
cry. The bully will try to "control" by making you
feel small so he/she can feel big.
7. What are the statistics on children being
bullied?
According to the US Dept. of Justice: 1 out of 4
children are being bullied. 83% fear harassment in
the bathroom. Over 100,000 kids have carried guns
to school. More statistics are available at our web
site.
8. If a child is hit, should he/she strike
back to defend him/herself?
In my book, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" we
call this the "bully cycle." Bullies create more
bullies. This is no good. The cycle needs to stop
somewhere. If the child had tried confronting the
bully or talking out the situation peacefully to no
avail and was backed up against a wall so that
he/she couldn't walk or run away and actually
needed to defend himself/herself, that is a
different story (worse case senario). But when
we're talking about teasing or verbal abuse, tell
your child, "You don't need to listen to that.
You're better than that. Just walk away."
9. What sort of feedback have you gotten from
those who read your book?
Those who have shared "Taking the Bully by the
Horns" with their children/students tell me the
children feel stronger after reading it. They also
understand bullying behavior better, and improved
their self-esteem. One handicapped boy touched me
when he told me he read my book Christmas day when
he received it. He didn't put it down until he was
finished and said it was the best book he ever read
and that it made him feel a lot better about
himself.
10. How are schools using your books?
Schools/Teachers need to be aware of conflicts
and to not be afraid to get involved. Start your
own "peace" programs. One example would be students
in Hillsboro H.S. in Nashville, Tenn., who created
the "I will pledge" and urge fellow students to
sign the pledge not to mock or bully others who
dress, act, look, or talk differently. Teachers are
also using, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" for
role playing in the classrooms. Since I believe in
my book, and the help it's been giving children, I
suggest reading it aloud to the group. The book is
written in first person, so you will be addressing
them, and speaking directly to them. This way, you
can teach them the skills they need to handle
bullies and feel good about themselves
(self-esteem/life skills). I ask questions in both
my bullying books, and you can pause to get their
opinions. I also added a bit of humor so it will be
enjoyable for them AND they will learn something.
Then, you could try some role playing, where they
take turns acting out situations where they play
both bullies and victims. This will show them how
it "feels" and give them ideas on what to do to
help themselves and others.
11. What information does your web site
provide?
Articles (which may be used and printed out),
advice and statistics for educators, parents and
children. Also, information on Dr. Carter, myself
and also on our books & other items- including
how to order. I am constantly adding more helpful
info. as I find/research it and as we publish new
books.
12. How does a bully become a bully?
He (or she) may be angry at problems he's having
in his own life and is looking for people to use as
punching bags. It could also be a learned behavior
from being bullied at home by family members.
Another reason we hear a lot about is the influence
of violence in the media. But the major reason is
that they really have a low self-esteem. They make
look high and mighty but that is arrogance. Don't
mistake arrogance for a high self-esteem. If
someone truly has a good self-esteem they would not
feel the need to control others.
13. What signs can we look for to know if a
child has become a bully?
Damaging property, setting fires, torturing
animals, violent rage/outbursts/tantrums, angry at
everyone/everything, was bullied himself/herself
(in my book we call this the "Bully Cycle"), lack
of respect for others, a controller, lack of
remorse...
14. What are useful questions you can ask a
bully?
What did you do? Why was that a bad thing to do?
Who did you hurt? What were you trying to
accomplish? Next time you have that goal, how will
you meet it without hurting anybody? How will you
help the person you hurt? These questions will help
them to: Acknowledge their own actions and the
consequences they have on themselves and others,
develop shame and guilt ("I don't want to go
through that again" & "I hurt someone"), change
their actions to stay out of trouble, and learn to
trust and form relationships with helping
adults.
15. What are the signs to look for to know if
a child is a victim of a bully?
A change in behavior, such as suffering a lack
of concentration and/or becoming withdrawn,
excessively clingy, depressed, fearful, emotionally
up and down. Happy at the weekend but not during
the week. A drop in performance in school or at
work. Physical signs: stomach aches, headaches,
sleep difficulties, bruising, torn clothing,
bingeing on food, cigarettes, alcohol...
16. What can kids do to deal with
bullies?
We offer many suggestions depending on the
situation. One thing to do for verbal bullying is
ignore them. Bullies feel the need to "control."
They want to get a reaction (anger/tears) out of
you. If they don't get this, it won't be any fun
for them and they'll become bored and give up.
17. What about a child "confronting" a
bully?
We suggest confronting the bully only if the
bully is not physically violent. This is only
suggested if the bullying is verbal. Therefore the
bully should be confronted and questioned as to why
he is doing this. "Why are you saying these things
to me?" "Why are you trying to hurt me; I've never
done anything to you." If the bully sees his
"victim" is actually a respectable thinking,
feeling human being, he may not think of him
anymore as his door mat. The bully doesn't always
have a reason for bullying a particular child so
when asked why he is doing what he is doing, it may
stump him. It may actually make him think. This is
just one idea to try. It is also good to stand your
ground with a bully. To be strong but kind. You
need to show that you respect yourself, you are
strong, and are not interested in playing the
bully's games. The bully is more prone to go for
those who look weak, have poor social skills, hold
their heads down, speak without confidence
etc....the bully sees them as easier to
control.
18. What can parents do if they think their
child is being bullied?
You *know* there is a problem. The first step is
to get your child to admit there is a problem.
He/she may be too embarrassed or scared, and might
deny it. They need to know they can trust you and
look to you for help. (Encourage them) First give
them this option: They might want to settle the
situation themselves before getting you involved
(you calling the school or bully's parents). You
might try giving them some ideas. For example: If
your child is getting bullied because of poor
social skills - his shoes are always untied, he
walks with his head down, shoulders slouched,
avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean
hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose -
You can help him/her by teaching them better social
skills. You also might try a type of role-playing
to see how your child acts around other kids. This
gives you the opportunity to help your child work
out acceptable responses. (especially if he/she is
being bullied verbally) Allow your children to
confide in you and listen with an open mind. The
victims must first admit on their own that there is
a problem. Allowing children to handle it
themselves will help with their self-esteem. If the
bullying is physically dangerous, or the victims
want the parents to get involved, the parents
should make sure both the school and the parents of
the bullies are notified of the situation. They can
also provide a safe means of transport to and from
school or suggest their child walk in a group,
never alone.
19. What is the difference between the boy
bully and the girl bully?
They are the same in many ways. However girls
are prone to specifically bully through gossip,
ostracizing, and forming "cliques." Girls and boys
both use teasing and verbal abuse; however, the
boys are more prone to use physical violence. 80%
of the time an argument with a bully will end up in
a physical fight.
20. What is the best way to approach kids who
have been victimized?
Don't question victims intently or ask anything
that might make them feel that they have done
something wrong. Broach the subject obliquely,
giving them the option to talk about it or not. Let
them know that you are willing to listen at any
time. When they start to talk, listen carefully to
what they have to say. Once they begin to discuss
the bullying, it may seem to be all they can talk
about. Be patient and let them go on - it's better
for them to let it all out than to bottle it up.
Don't overreact - victims need rational advice and
help, not emotional overload. Believe the victim
and not any authority figure who may dismiss the
claims of bullying simply as "part of growing up"
or "part of the rough and tumble of life." ("Boys
will be boys") No one should have to put up with
bullying. Ask victims if they have any suggestions
about changing the situation. Seek advice from an
individual or a support group with experience in
this area. (Dr. Carter's presentations cover these
areas.) Keep an eye on the victim. If they threaten
suicide, take this very seriously and obtain
professional help immediately.
21. Does an individual set himself/herself up
as a victim?
You never tell the victim "it's their fault"
when a bully bullies them. The bully is the one
with the problem. The victim needs to know he's OK
and did not cause this. However there are certain
kids who are more likely to be bullied. For
example: those with poor social skills. You could
reduce your chances of being bullied by walking
straight and tall, shoulders back/head held high,
making eye contact, speaking loudly and clearly,
assuming an air of confidence with yourself and
your surroundings.
22. What can parents do to prevent their
children from getting bullied?
Parents really need to get more involved in
their children's lives. That way they will be more
sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty.
Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus
on understanding. Allow children to express how
they feel, and treat a child's feelings with
respect. Set a good example by showing them a
healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking
things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them
when you see them using these positive skills to
settle a difference. Teach them to identify "the
problem", and focus on the problem, "not" attacking
"the person." Tell them conflicts are a way of
life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally,
teaching them to take responsibility for their own
actions will make for a healthier child, a
healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need
for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.
23. What are your local schools doing to
lessen the problem of bullying?
Our local schools participated in Berks County's
Annual Week Without Violence. One program included,
"Hands Around Violence." Students made paper cut
outs of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent
messages on them. For example, "I will not use my
hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands"
will serve as a visual reminder that together they
can make a difference. Other activities included a
white out, where students wore as much white as
possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where
students wore their school colors, and a smile day,
where each student received a smile card and handed
that card over to the first person to smile at
them.
24. What can we all do to help prevent
bullying?
It's all about talking it out: Child to Child
(Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's),
Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to
Child (at home). There should be town meetings
involving the parents, students, and entire school
faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The
teachers should also allow the students to give
"their" ideas on how they would like situations
handled. For younger students, role playing of
"victims" and "bullies" in the classroom will help
them understand the cause and effect - how it
feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked
on could be to have an older student assigned as a
type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would
step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups
have also been created where victims and their
parents can meet with other victims and discuss
solutions. It's comforting to know you're not
alone, and friendships can be made there.
25. Any other ideas of anti-bully programs
that have been put into action?
The schools can also pass out questionnaires,
and do surveys or polls to find out what students
and parents think about what is happening and what
they would like to see done. Some teachers have
told me that their schools put up a peace flag
outside on days when there is no conflict in the
school. This promotes a pride in the school, and
teaches them that even one person's actions can
have consequences that affect everyone. Other
schools are using posters, and having the students
wear certain colors on certain days.
26. How are schools using "peer mediation" to
combat bullying?
In mediation, trained students help their
classmates identify the problems behind the
conflicts and to find solutions. Peer mediation is
not about finding who is right or wrong. Instead,
students are encouraged to move beyond the
immediate conflict and learn how to get along with
each other - an important skill in today's world.
Peer mediators ask the disputing students to tell
their stories and ask questions for clarification.
The mediators help the students identify ways to
solve the conflict. Mediation Steps: Agree upon the
ground rules. Each student tells his/her story.
Verify the stories. Discuss the stories. Generate
solutions. Discuss solutions. Select a solution.
Sign a contract. Participants should be willing to:
Solve the problem. Tell the truth. Listen without
interrupting. Be respectful. Take responsibility
for carrying out the agreement. Keep the situation
confidential.
27. Anything else you'd like to add?
Many schools admit that the lockers are the most
common place that bullying takes place. Teachers
could take turns standing by these lockers during
class changes. Another great idea schools are using
is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces
while asking the students, "How does this person
feel?" This promotes a discussion aimed at helping
kids to identify and describe emotions. And for
teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful
situations can be used to promote discussion &
ideas for resolution.
Brainstorm with students a list of fact-based
questions they have about bullying. Students might
want to know, for example, the percentage of
students who are bullied, the percentage of
suicides that are blamed on bullying, the number of
incidents of school violence that are the result of
bullying, the percentage of bullies who commit
violent crimes as adults, the percentage of schools
that have anti-bully programs, and so on. Select
five to ten of the most important questions,
arrange students in pairs or small groups, and ask
each group to research print or online resources to
find the answer to its assigned question. Combine
the questions into a quiz, either online or in
print, and invite students to take the quiz. I will
continue to add more ideas to my web site as to
what other schools are doing to stop bullies:
©2012 Kathy Noll
* * *
In violence, we forget who we are. - Mary
McCarthy
Kathy
Noll is the co-author of Taking
the Bully by the Horns.
She has had her short stories/articles published in
magazines along with interviews, helped NBC news
monitor a classroom in Philadelphia for bullying
behavior, and also helped many people with their
own bully problems through her book, educational
and family related Internet chats, message board
hosting, and e-mail. She has also spoken on radio
and television shows discussing the topics of
school violence and self-esteem. Most recently she
appeared with co-author Dr. Carter on the Montel
Williams show where they talked to kids about
bullies, and promoted their book, "Taking the Bully
by the Horns." She also works as a consultant for
various TV News & Talk Shows. Her second book,
Encounters with Every-Day Angels, is a
workbook on bullying and character development that
can be used in the classroom. www.kathynoll.com
or Email.
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
