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Confidence in Competency
At 3:00 AM, three weeks after our son, Noah, was
born, he was howling in misery (we hadn’t
discovered the wonders of Mylicon, yet). Having
tried everything I could to soothe him and failed,
I actually said, “Well, we had a good couple
weeks, anyway.” (Have you ever wanted to go
back in time and give your old self a really hard
smack?) I was faced with one of the greatest
enemies any man can face: the feeling of
incompetence.
In seven years as a Stay-At-Home-Dad, there have
been times when I looked at the daily challenges of
child rearing coupled with homemaking and wondered,
“What was I thinking? I can’t do
this!”
The ugly head of incompetence doesn’t go
away easily, either. Thinking I was not equipped to
do the job led to more self- doubt. This led to
depression (maybe not the clinical brand, but that
blue funk that just dragged everything down.)
Feeling crummy fed the inadequacy and eventually, I
was doing a lousy job parenting. I had become
incompetent! I never actually sold the kids for
scientific experiments, but I occasionally wondered
how plausible a solution that would be.
It turns out that I am not a horribly warped
person. I am just a man. According to Dr. John
Gray, of “Mars and Venus” fame, one of
the worst feelings for men is the feeling of
incompetence. Men need to feel needed and capable
to fulfill that need. We are problem solvers,
go-getters, bull-by-the-horn takers. (Women might
be these things, too, but I’m not talking
about them just now). When we are struck with the
sense that we cannot solve a problem, it irritates
us.
Take, for example, getting lost. Men don’t
ask for directions, says Dr. Gray, because that
would be admitting that we are not competent enough
to know where we are and how to get to where we are
going. Like I always say, ‘Tis better to have
been lost and found than admit being lost in the
first place.
So, men do not like being inept and parenting
can make anyone feel like they have stepped off a
pier wearing a diaper bag filled with rocks. Before
we go tattooing a big “L” on our forehead
for being the absolute worst parent that ever
sired, I find it useful to take a step back. Then
take a step forward. Then a step back. Now
we’re doing the cha-cha! Sorry.
When I honestly look at the job I am doing as a
father, I conclude two things: The first one is
that I really am doing a decent job of it. Perfect?
Not by a long shot, but good enough to be confident
that my kids will be okay. There are lots of things
that I do that will help my kids be good and
healthy people, the absolutely most important one
being that I let them know that they are loved even
if they pour Bull's Eye Barbecue Sauce on the
family room carpet.
The second thing I realize about my parenting is
that even with my failures, my children are
resilient enough to survive and thrive. They are
designed well enough to overcome if I said
“no” when I should have said
“yes”, and “yes” when I should
have said, “are you out of your mind?!”
In short., my kids will endure despite my
shortcomings.
If, after analyzing yourself into a headache,
you still feel like an incompetent parent, there is
still one more step you can take. You could ask
someone for advice. There is not a problem today
that some parent hasn’t lived through and
solved. Ask your parents. Ask your neighbor. Ask
the couple who have adopted eight underprivileged
kids. Someone is bound to have the answer for
you.
And if you must ask someone for directions to
navigate through your parental difficulties, I
promise I won’t tell anyone.
©2008, Mark
Phillips
* * *
Women, it's true, make human beings, but
only men can make men. - Margaret Mead
Mark
Phillips is a Stay-At-Home-Dad and freelance
writer. Along with raising his four children, he is
developing a franchise called “The Vacuum IS a
Power Tool.” It is designed to help SAHDs
maintain that which makes us men, instead of hairy
Mom-substitutes. He earned a B.S. in
Communication/Theatre Arts and teaching
certificates in English, public speaking, and
psychology from Eastern Michigan University. After
six years as a high school English teacher and
Director of Dramatic Arts at Powers Catholic High
School in Flint, Michigan, he changed careers and
became a Stay-At-Home-Dad. www.TheVacuumIsAPowerTool.com
or E-Mail
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