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At Abuse Shelters, Girls Just Wanna Have
Fun!
Hey girls, want to get skanky? Well, sashay down to
your local abuse shelter and get buzzed! No, you
don’t have to be a real victim of domestic
violence. All you need is a convincing story.
Last year Hollie Cephas of Monticello, Ark.
arrived on the doorstep of the Options shelter to
recount her tale of woe: Her husband had beaten her
to the point of having two miscarriages, he hid her
insulin, and once he even called her a “fat
pig.”
The intake worker at Options had been taught to
“always believe the victim,” so of course
she was beside herself. One employee was so moved
that she loaned Mrs. Cephas $25,000 and let her use
her credit card. That covered liquor purchases, a
few shopping sprees at the local WalMart, burial
expenses for her child, and more.
Then with a dramatic flourish, Cephas phoned the
shelter to let them know she’d just had a
kidney transplant and the life support was about to
be turned off. She died a few days later.
It was all a hoax.
On February 11 police went to her home, where
she was still very much alive, calmly residing with
her allegedly battering husband. Cephas was hauled
down to the Drew County Detention Center, where she
was charged with theft by deception and a $250,000
bond placed on her head.
Here’s the moral of the story: If
you’re going to accuse your husband of trying
to knock you off, don’t use a borrowed credit
card after your own funeral.
Girls, there so many ways your interlude at the
shelter can be relaxing, profitable, and fun.
First of all, realize you’re entitled to
three nutritious meals a day, personal toiletries,
and so forth. Transportation services may also be
available, “but the only excursions offered
were to the local mall where a wealth of
unaffordable merchandise stared them in the
face,” explains Nancy S., who spent two years
shuttling among shelters in the San Francisco
area.
Don’t let your kids stop you from having
the fun you deserve – all shelters offer free
day care, sometimes courtesy of a local teenager
who’s working off her parole time. She’ll
have some interesting stories to regale the
youngsters!
And don’t worry if your kids are still
black and blue from their latest visit to the wood
shed – shelters won’t turn you in for
child abuse, at least if you’re staying at
Another Way in Lake City, Fla. As one former
employee told me, “We always knew not to call
the law unless you were prepared to be
unemployed.”
And if you want to toke a little weed,
that’s fine, too. After all, you’ve been
battered and belittled, you deserve a little
break.
If you’re in the Houston area, be sure to
go by the Bay Area Turning Point. That facility
hosts dating parties where local men drop by to
schmooze and relax. That’s according to Bobbi
Bacha, vice president of Blue Moon Investigations,
who wonders whether such events are appropriate for
abused women at such a vulnerable point in their
lives.
And don’t fret about that nine o’clock
curfew. If you want to go behind the bushes with
your new heart-throb or hang out with your old
boyfriend -- the one you said is your lifelong
abuser – no problem, they’ll reset the
security alarm for you.
If lavender is your color of choice, you
don’t even need to venture outside. Everyone
knows shelter staffs are replete with dykes
cruising for a hook-up.
Got a man-problem? Shelters can solve that, as
well.
At Bethany House in Falls Church, Va.,
“Women with almost no marital problems are
declared abused and are coached by the staff to go
to court and get a protective order against their
husbands with the promise of long-term shelter,
legal services, [and] counseling,”
reveals a former shelter volunteer.
And don’t worry that your naughty antics
might land you in the clink. The good ladies from
the abuse shelter will bail you out. After all,
you’ve obviously been suffering from Battered
Woman’s Syndrome.
Believe it or not, the best is yet to come!
Once you check out of the shelter, you now have
the gold-plated Keys to the Kingdom. That’s
because you can now lay claim to life-long status
as a victim, a battered woman. You’re a
certified survivor.
Want to skirt the return-to-work requirements
under TANF? No hassle. Need to re-up your Section 8
housing? You’re covered. Are you an illegal
immigrant? Bienvenidos, amiga!
There’s just one little hitch. Legions of
other women have figured out how to work the
system, so many shelters now have a long waiting
list.
The solution, of course, is to come up with a
better story.
© 2008, Carey
Roberts
See Books,
Issues
Carey
Roberts probes and lampoons political correctness.
His work has been published frequently in the
Washington Times, Townhall.com, LewRockwell.com,
ifeminists.net, Intellectual Conservative, and
elsewhere. He is a staff reporter for the New Media
Network. You can contact him at E-Mail
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