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Mary Lou St. Lucas is a
former stay-at-home mom who has participated in
custody and divorce-related support groups. She
often speaks out through impassioned letters to
local newspapers regarding issues affecting quality
of life for children and families. She has
experienced divorce, including the heartbreaking
decision to give up daily contact with her two sons
for what she believed was their best interest at
that time, as well as the societal stigma attached
to being a non-custodial mother. She emphasizes the
importance of kids having BOTH parents in their
lives on a regular basis, even if the parents
cannot or will not be married anymore. She hopes
other parents will see that there may be
alternatives to the standard custody arrangements,
depending on the individual situation. She writes
from her perspective of today instead of revisiting
and dwelling on the painful emotions of her past.
She strives to live a full life in spite of a
recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia, and believes a
sense of humor is mandatory. mlstuff.blogspot.com/2007/08/male-bashing-t-shirts.html
or E-Mail.
Finding myself
In Their Best
Interest
The Most Wonderful Time
of the Year?
Striving for
Wholeness
Finding myself
I don't understand that expression at all. Why do
people need to run off to "find themselves" when
they're right here? They always were right here.
Isn't there some sort of song with "wherever you
go, there you are" in the lyrics? It's true. I
think that you have to either lose something or
never have it in the first place in order to "find"
it.
We live in various roles throughout our lives.
Son, daughter, parent, sibling, spouse, worker,
boss, etc. These are what we DO; but they really
aren't who we ARE.
This became very apparent to me after having
defined myself as super-mom for years. When that
role became adjusted to non-custodial parent, it
was as if my etch-a-sketch picture of my life had
been turned upside-down and shaken.
Fast-forward to 50, so many things have changed
in my life and in myself, I wouldn't know where to
begin. So I sit back and smile. I've had such ups
and downs, but I'm off that rollercoaster ride now.
When I decided I'd had enough, I pulled the brake
and got off the ride. And to think, I could have
done that at ANY time but never thought to do
something so simple; instead, I was looking for
something so much more difficult and
complicated.
Sort of like Dorothy running all over Hell and
back trying to get out of Oz and go home. Turns out
she could have done it any time. (We gals really do
love shoes!)
When I surrendered to disability instead of
fighting it, I was forced to stop everything I
thought I was supposed to be doing and look inward
towards spiritual abilities. When I did that
everything fell into place. Everything i do now,
seems one event leads to something else, and
positive things seem to "happen" all around me,
even in spite of negative things. Maybe they were
there all the time. If I die tomorrow, I can
honestly say I lived well. And everything was
exactly as it was supposed to be.
Running around looking for ourselves somewhere
on the outside seems kind of silly when we're
already here on the inside.
A quote from Eckhart Tolle: "You cannot find
yourself in the past or future. The only place
where you can find yourself is in the Now." This,
in my opinion, is pure brilliance.
The Most Wonderful Time
of the Year?
Kids, Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, Christmas trees,
kids, baking goodies, decorating, kids, exchanging
gifts, carolers, home-made cards, kids, eggnog,
families together.... oh yeah, did i mention
kids?
I remember those Christmases fondly, in spite of
our problems. There were two bright-eyed little
boys waking up before dawn to sneak downstairs to
check out what we... err.. I mean Santa brought.
There were sticky little fingers dipping into the
cookie dough, and candy sprinkles everywhere.
Hanging in the hall was the Christmas countdown
calendar that refused to alter the passage of time
no matter how hard those kids tried... it wasn't a
time machine, guys, sorry. And that timeless
Chipmunk song played while little plastic toys were
dumped from stockings... and the glorious Dogs
Barking Jingle Bells song... Those were some of
life's finest moments.
Later came the visits to grandparents' houses
where there were always too many presents and more
sugary creations. A valuable lesson I learned was
that fewer presents are better than a truckload.
Hours and hours of "this is nice, next..." or "i
have one of those already" or "ok now.. I'm hungry"
or "he got more than me!" or "this isn't the right
one"... or "his was more 'spensive than mine!"...
or "it's already broken.." Come on, after five or
six or nine or twelve in a row the magic tends to
fade... Uh oh. "Batteries not included?" Everybody
knows robots and remote-control cars aren't very
amusing when they just sit there. "Wind up" toys?
What the heck are those?
Now, for the hard part, and I will try to keep
my keyboard dry. In December of 1997 I moved out a
couple of weeks before Christmas. It was weirdly
disorienting. That early in the separation there
was understandably a tremendous amount of tension
between my husband and me. Depressed, confused,
broke, healing from surgery, anorexic and being
kickstarted into early menopause left me feeling
hopeless, guilt-ridden, and suicidal. There, I said
that word. Then being laid off from my minimum-wage
job the day before Christmas Eve didn't cheer me up
much. (do i hear a violin playing?) I chose to
spend that holiday alone, a huge mistake. Don't do
that.
More than anything, I missed my sons. I ached to
touch and smell them and watch them doing everyday
stuff. I missed trying to kiss them goodnight even
though they thought they were too old. I even
missed their fighting with each other. Sometimes I
drove to their home and sat in my car to be close
to them. I wanted to be near and available all the
time. They had schedules, activities, school and
friends and were too old (11 and 14) to just hang
out with mommy somewhere for hours. At first, I had
tried to withdraw because the goodbyes were so
agonizing that I didn't know how to handle my own
emotions. That was wrong and I should have realized
that. But you can "should" on yourself all day and
it accomplishes nothing except burying you in a
pile of "should." That sounds stinky.
Eventually, unscheduled open visitation was
arranged, often while their dad was away or busy. I
was respectful of their home and privacy and didn't
barge in without calling. I didn't help myself to
anything without asking, even though it still felt
like "home" to me for several years. The kids
occasionally came over to my place but they were so
much more "themselves" at home where they weren't
the visitors. In their earlier years, we had
apartment-hopped repeatedly until we got into a
real home. We felt it was important for them to
maintain that sense of home, even if it was
disrupted and rearranged.
So, being an absent parent on a holiday sucks.
If old traditions are too painful to touch, then
make NEW traditions. Devise a new plan, swallow
resentments and be as pleasant and cordial as
possible. It's ABOUT THE KIDS, not about the failed
marriage. The parents can bicker and fight all they
want some other time when the kids aren't around.
Young people aren't stupid. They notice
underhanded, snide little remarks, sarcasm and
catty little digs towards ex-spouses or new
significant-others. If everyone gets together it's
important to be polite and friendly, yet without
giving off false-reconciliation vibes. It's
unfortunate when an ex-spouse won't cooperate and
insists on either the negativity, or indulging in
romantic reminiscing in front of the kids, who
shouldn't be burdened with either.
This year I look forward to the holidays. I can
see pictures from the past two Christmas gatherings
in our home - of myself, my current husband, both
my sons and their father... all of us standing
together in front of a dazzlingly-decorated plastic
Christmas tree topped by a color-changing
fiber-optic angel – and all of us with genuine
smiles on our faces (except for the angel who must
have been uncomfortable, considering the location
of the tree-top).
Ten years ago I had no idea it could be this
way. Maybe it's not traditional, but it's my
family.
I have referred to the politically-incorrect
"Christmas" holiday, as that's what my family
celebrates. My former husband and I still haven't
split up the Christmas decorations in the attic.
All those special ornaments with sentimental
meanings.....maybe some year, maybe never, but not
now...
Peace...
Striving for
Wholeness
"Then the king said, "Bring me a sword." So they
brought a sword for the king. He then gave an
order: "Cut the living child in two and give half
to one and half to the other." The woman whose son
was alive was filled with compassion for her son
and said to the king, "Please, my lord, give her
the living baby! Don't kill him!" (1 Kings
3:24)
Cutting children in half... doesn't sound too
healthy. Kids need roots, stability, a sense of
belonging...and of course, wholeness.
It must be difficult to be whole while feeling
like a rope in the middle of a tug-of-war. My
former husband and I decided not to bisect the
kids' living situation. So while retaining joint
legal custody, all physical custody was his.
I fired my lawyer who was pushing for the
standard "change the locks and get a restraining
order" with my taking everything possible,
including the home and kids. No no no. We wrote our
own divorce agreement, and set up a "visiting"
schedule for me, the usual Wednesday nights and
every other weekend. That schedule was just a
formality and we didn't find need to stick to it.
Our boys were teen and pre-teen at the time and had
the usual erratic schedules anyway.
I moved out into a small apartment a few minutes
away, not suitable for kids but it was what I could
afford. It seemed more practical than trying to
"split" the home (which we would have had to sell).
I also saw fit to leave most of the assets in the
home where my kids were living to make sure their
basic needs could be met.
My former husband kept what he called an "open
door" policy, meaning I had the key to the home and
was, as he stated it, welcome at any time. This, I
believe, was a huge part of maintaining some
continuity for the kids. Sitting with my boys in
the living room waiting for a pizza delivery,
discussing school or new video games while i washed
dishes... sometimes it almost seemed "normal"
again, even if it wasn't officially my home
anymore. It was difficult saying goodbye until next
time, but then I don't claim that this was
easy.
I admit that it became exhausting at times
living almost a sort of double life along with a
disability. Having held the role of "super-mom" for
over a decade, I wanted to continue to actively
parent as much as possible. Teenage boys can
appreciate a pot of homemade chicken soup when they
come down with a cold, or knowing mom's available
to listen about having the cat put down or breaking
up with a girlfriend. They need Dad. They need
Mom.
My boys would joke about how they made out well
by getting "double" the birthday and Christmas
presents. For awhile, we had two of each
celebration, which seems kind of standard following
divorce. When I remarried, I also added two adult
stepchildren (and their mother) to the family.
Holidays became even more "interesting" then (the
stuff movies are made of!). Although challenging,
we managed to "consolidate" holiday celebrations
somewhat. When ex-spouses can be civil with one
another, and new spouses can tolerate (in small
doses) former spouses, holidays are survivable.
Being open to the idea of enchiladas for
Christmas dinner or Pizza on Thanksgiving helps.
Buffet restaurants help, too. Traditions may have
to change, but family and love are what matter
most.
Confusing as our custody arrangement was at
times, it worked. In spite of health, I managed to
remain a strong presence in my sons' lives. They
turned to me with certain needs, while to their dad
for others. Sure, it's far from the ideal of a
healthy mom-dad-kids household, but there were no
alienated parents.
Nothing tears my heart out more than hearing of
a parent (generally the father) being driven out of
the child's life. I've seen the negative results of
having an absentee parent carried well into
adulthood. Divorce may dissolve a marriage but it
shouldn't dissolve a parent
In Their Best
Interest
"She must be selfish to give up her kids like
that."
"Why doesn't she fight to keep them with
her?"
"A mother will always get the kids unless she's
a drug addict or abusive!"
"What kind of mother doesn't want her kids?"
"Why would a mother abandon her children?"
"She must be unfit if she didn't get
custody."
"I wonder why she lost custody?"
"Dead-beat moms give up their children and walk
away."
"Maybe she gave up custody because her boyfriend
doesn't want her kids around."
Selfish....unfit....drug-addicted....abandoning...
Selfish...selfish ...SELFISH...
And if she happens to be a fit and loving mother
and does not have custody, she must have lost it
against her will after a court battle, out of some
extraordinary set of circumstances. Of course she
fought for it, as a fit and loving mother never
abandons her babies............RIGHT????
These are common general assumptions about
non-custodial mothers. Sometimes they're true.
Rarely, if ever, do we hear mention of the
possibility that the circumstances warrant that
maybe the father is more capable and has more
resources to care for the children at the time....
and that maybe mom realizes this?
Could it be that the most loving thing for the
mother to do might be to recognize and accept that
the father is in a better position to meet the
children's needs, and thus not stand in the way of
the children being raised in the best possible
environment to receive love, safety, nurturing and
security (within the confines of a divorce
situation, which of course will never be even
remotely close to "ideal")? That just might happen
to be under dad's roof, even if mom is a loving,
caring mother who would give her own life to save
her kids if it were necessary.
And oh my God, what a heart-wrenching decision
that is to make. I know, because I was faced with
that decision ten years ago.
I want to share my own, unique child-custody
experience. It may or may not be applicable to
another. I don't claim to be presenting the only
way. ... just the way it was and is for me and my
family. What worked for us may not be appropriate
for another family. However, I feel that our
present system does not adequately address the
possibility of fathers retaining custody without
non-custodial mothers commonly being reduced
societally to the status of "unfit".
In spite of a lot of society-induced guilt,
worry and - more than anything - just missing the
daily contact with my kids, I chose to relinquish
physical custody to my children's father. I still
shudder while writing those words. Phantoms of
those old loop tapes in my head still play faintly
in the background: "selfish, unfit, abandoning..."
But they're very, very faint these days. I know
they are not true. And I can see, standing there in
photo frames on the shelf next to me, two grown men
who do not have reason to doubt the unending and
limitless love pouring over them from both their
father and their mother. They know mom and dad
don't hate each other. And unlike many children of
divorced parents, they KNOW both Mom and Dad.
I cannot, at this time, revisit the painful,
soul-crushing feelings attached to the events
surrounding my divorce and custody issues. During
the worst times, I was life-threateningly ill, both
mentally and physically, and even today I'm not
sure that I am strong enough to dredge up those
feelings and risk becoming engulfed in them. So
i'll try to leave the touchy-feely stuff out of
this.
Effective co-parenting after divorce is
complicated and tricky, requires a lot of
persistence, creativity, flexibility and tolerance
in both parents as well as in any new
significant-others who may enter the picture. It
also requires a whole ton of restraint as far as
keeping the resentments (that probably caused the
divorce) under control and away from the kids. It
requires a respectful interaction between the
parents, which displays civility and mutual respect
while not giving the children any false hopes that
mom and dad are "getting back together." Above all,
the kids can have continued regular contact with
BOTH parents.
As parents, we brought these human beings into
existence with our own flesh and blood. We owe it
to them, to ourselves and to each other to fully
give them our hearts to the best of our ability,
even in spite of our mistakes and shortcomings in
the marriage.
©2008, Mary Lou
St. Lucas
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