|
January
Bouncing back from divorce.
“I WANT A DIVORCE!”. Although its been
over eighteen years since I heard these words, I
still remember the shock and uncertainty I felt
when my former wife screamed them at me. Although I
knew there were problems in our marriage I really
didn’t believe that they were insurmountable.
I knew that I was unhappy and felt trapped in a
situation that I could not get out of, but now that
I had a way out I was unprepared to deal with it. I
remember sitting up late that night and pondering
what my next step should be. Should I go along with
it and end our six-year marriage? What about the
kids? Should I fight for custody? What will my
friends and co-workers think? Where will I live?
Should I give up the house? These were just a few
of the questions running through my mind and I had
absolutely no idea how I was going to answer
them.
The first few days after her divorce request
were terrible. We would not speak to each other or
even make direct eye contact. Although we continued
to sleep in the same bed we were emotionally miles
apart from one another. We would simply go through
our regular routines and walk pass each other
without saying a word. I could feel the tension
between us but I felt powerless to do anything.
Every time I attempted to even speak with her our
conversations would erupt into a shouting match. It
appeared that there was nothing that could be done
to save our marriage.
After several days I was able to put my sadness
and anger aside to try and make some rational
decisions. I decided that it would be best if we at
least attempted to save our marriage. There were
several factors that prompted my decision. First of
all there were my children. As a child, I remember
how much I missed not having a father in my life. I
always envied my friends who had fathers and I
remember making a conscious decision to being a
good father if I ever had children of my own. My
children and I were very close so I definitely
wanted to minimize any pain they would experience.
Another reason that I thought it would be best to
stay together was financial. I knew that if we were
to divorce it would be extremely difficult for me
to make it on my own while paying child support and
possibly maintaining two households since my wife
was a stay at home mom. Last but not least (and
I’m not proud of this) I was really afraid of
what my friends and employees would think of me. In
their eyes I had the perfect life. I had created
this image of having it all together and the
thought of going through with this divorce would
shatter that image. That really scared me and
filled me with shame and embarrassment.
I convinced my wife to try marriage counseling.
I told her that I really wanted to try and work
things out so we should at least give it a try. She
agreed and we began counseling. After several
sessions it became obvious that our marriage was
not going to work out. I discovered that I really
wanted out of the marriage but I was too afraid to
say it. All the reasons that I tried to make the
marriage work were wrong. I never asked myself the
two most important questions of my life. 1. Do I
really love her? 2. Do I really want to spend the
rest of my life with her? As a result of our
counseling I realized that the answer was no to
both questions.
Once we knew that the divorce was inevitable I
decided to make it as amicable as possible. I sat
down with her and said we should try to make this
as simple and painless as possible. Fortunately she
agreed and we were able to decide on how our
possessions would be divided up and we were even
able to work out visitation with the children. As a
matter of fact our divorce was so amicable that we
used the same attorney to handle the divorce. (If
you are currently going through a divorce my
suggestion is that you do everything in your power
to separate on good terms. Although this is
extremely difficult I can assure you that if you
put your ego aside and try and work things out
together everybody wins in the end.) I must admit
that I am truly grateful to my ex-wife for being
willing to work things out the way we did. I am
forever indebted to her for never speaking badly to
our children about me and for making sure that we
worked together as parents to help our children
handle the whole ordeal. Our willingness to work
together to raise our children has paid off with
three emotionally and psychologically well adjusted
children that we are both extremely proud of.
After the divorce was final I found myself in
unknown territory. This was actually the first time
I had really failed at anything so major and life
changing. I did not know what to expect but
intuitively I knew that I would get through it. At
the time I was somewhat isolated and alone. I
really did not have any close friends to talk to so
I simply kept to myself and tried to handle it
alone. One of the first declarations I made was to
never get married again. Marriage was a difficult
and painful experience and I concluded that I did
not want to experience the pain and loss of a
divorce ever again. To avoid the potential pain of
relationships I simply submersed myself in my
work
After a few months I decided to break out of my
isolation and at least start going out again.
Although I wasn’t looking for a relationship I
did want to at least have some companionship. The
problem I had with going out was that I was still
ashamed and embarrassed because of my divorce and I
felt as if I had this huge neon letter D stamped on
my forehead. My feelings of inadequacy and failure
made it extremely difficult to really connect with
anyone so most of the time I simply would go to
clubs and dance a little without having much
conversation.
Within approximately six months I started to
long for a relationship. I was tired of being alone
and I really missed having a partner to share life
with. I decided to try and date to see what would
happen. My first few relationships after my divorce
were disasters. Although I did not know this at the
time I was absolutely terrified of intimacy. I had
all sorts of trouble connecting on an emotional
level with women because I was still scarred
emotionally from my divorce. After several failures
I begin to recognize a pattern in my relationships.
The first thing I noticed was that my relationships
never lasted more than three weeks. Within that
time period something would happen that would
terminate the relationship. In most cases the women
were the ones who were saying that they
weren’t ready for a relationship. If they
weren’t leaving I was the one making excuse
about why I needed to end the relationship. I had
devised some pretty good excuses for ending
relationships like being too busy at work or trying
to be a good father to my children but the truth
was I was terrified of experiencing the pain I had
associated with relationships.
After a couple of years I met a woman that I
really enjoyed being with. We had great chemistry
and had a lot in common. After dating her for over
a year I began having deep feelings for her and
decided that I really wanted to make a commitment
to an exclusive relationship. When I told her how I
felt her response really caught me by surprise. She
told me that she really liked me a lot and would
like to develop a committed relationship with me
but she knew that I was emotionally unavailable to
her so she did not want to invest her feelings into
a guy that could not reciprocate her love. I felt
rejected and angry and did not know how to respond
to her comment. As a result, the relationship ended
and there I was alone again.
The good news is that I really listened to what
she had to say. I recognized that I was the problem
not her. I was able to see that I was the reason my
relationships weren’t working out and I
decided to do something about it. I began my own
inner journey to heal my heart so that I would no
longer keep pushing women out of my life. I
followed M. Scott Peck’s advice and took the
road less traveled and I definitely became a better
man as a result of it.
After being on my fifteen-year personal journey
and learning to love myself I decided that I really
did want to remarry. Since I took the time to
understand the how's and the why’s of my past
relationship failures, I was able to finally create
loving and supportive relationships without the
fear of intimacy or abandonment. As a result of my
commitment to my own personal growth I was able to
create a relationship that really works for me
which ultimately resulted in me getting remarried
and creating a marriage that really nurtures and
supports me. I really enjoy the emotional security
that comes from having a spouse that loves and
adores me and I’m truly grateful that I took
the time to understand the importance of having
authentic relationships.
Great relationships take effort and commitment
but ultimately they are definitely life’s
greatest treasure. If you are having difficulty
with relationships, been through or going through a
divorce or have a deep fear of commitment take the
time to heal your heart and it will open the door
to creating great relationships.
Good luck!
©2009, Michael
Taylor
Related Issue: January
could be the cruelest month for men in
relationships
* * *
Michael
Taylor is a dreamer, revolutionary, an
entrepreneur, author (A New
Conversatoin with
Men), personal
development coach and motivational speaker who has
dedicated his life to empowering men (and women) to
reach their full potential. He does not consider
himself to be an expert or guru. He does consider
himself to be extremely knowledgeable in the field
of personal growth and development. The fact is, he
is an ordinary guy that made a commitment to live
an extraordinary life and he wants to challenge you
to do the same. E-Mail
or www.anewconversationwithmen.com
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
