Menstuff® has compiled the following information on a survey
on What You Are Really Doing in Bed.
His Orgasm -- 10 Things He's Dying to Tell
What You're Really Doing in Bed
His Orgasm -- 10 Things He's Dying to
With this information gap in mind, I set out to discover what, exactly, makes for the most bone-rattling, foundation-shaking male orgasms, and what women can do to encourage their arrival. I went straight to the experts -- a few sex therapists, and lots of men -- and, believe me, it was as if they (the guys at least) were just waiting for someone to ask. So here, finally, is everything you need to know about helping your guy have stronger, longer orgasms.
One warning before we begin: Be prepared for surprises, and for seeming contradictions. It turns out that male orgasms are both as single-minded as they sometimes seem and at the same time a lot more complicated. As sensitive as men are to skill and technique, they're equally powered by mood, setting, and timing. The fun -- for him, for you -- is in mixing up the following strategies to see what will work tonight. So have at it.
1. Tell him he has the night off.
A good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done. The job in this case is pleasing you. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed.
The point is that a lot of men won't allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they've accomplished that goal. "Performing comes first; my orgasm comes second," says Will, 30, a bank administrator. "There are times when I just want to come, but basically my goal is for my wife to find every sexual encounter totally fulfilling."
Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable -- better that men be too concerned with their partners' orgasms than not at all concerned -- it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms. "Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Washington, DC, and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness.
The solution? Give your man the night off. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. There are two basic ways to go about this. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good. The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let himself be pleasured by you. Sex therapists say this is a better method, because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he's feeling, rather than on what he's doing. The same should go for you when he returns the favor another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation.
One caution: Michael Seiler, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist at the Phoenix Institiute in Chicago, says many men find it difficult to let go of control during sex. Don't be surprised, then, if it takes a while before your husband is comfortable turning the reins completely over to you. Be patient, but be firm. He'll learn to love it.
2. Hold back the goods -- tonight and tomorrow.
Ask any man after a week on the road -- abstinence is the world's most powerful aphrodisiac. Even when he's not out of town, you can contribute to that pent-up, dying-to-make-love state of mind by deploying some sexual teasing tactics during the day. Robert Birch, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Columbus, Ohio, suggests "accidentally" flashing a little breast at him in the morning, or giving him a lascivious phone call at the office. "Women can plant a sexual seed," he says, "that will flower that night into a stronger orgasm."
3. Extend your love strokes as long as he can stand it -- and then some.
The same drive that makes a man an animal when he gets home from a road trip is at work within each individual bout of lovemaking. Uri Peles, M.D., director of the Beverly Hills Center for Sexual Medicine, points out that as foreplay continues, muscle tension builds and the genital area becomes engorged with blood, resulting in a steadily growing pressure for release. The more pressure, the more pleasure in the release, because the contractions tend either to be stronger or last longer.
4. Intercept his drive to the finish line.
In our heart of hearts, we men know that the longer the foreplay, the stronger the orgasm, for ourselves as well as for our partners. But at the same time, we have this incredibly powerful drive to simply come, come, come! We can't help it: It's been hardwired into our sexual circuitry over thousands of years.
The trick for you is to help your husband set aside this evolutionary imperative so that sex lasts long enough for a truly eventful climax to build. Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in El Segundo, California, suggests setting the tone for longer, more languorous sex by starting things off with a slow, sensual back rub. Other delaying tactics can be brought into play as the festivities progress. Stopping for an occasional cooling-off period works beautifully, but takes discipline. The woman-on-top position is useful because it helps the man restrain his urge to start thrusting. A prolonging method that may take practice is called the "squeeze technique." Just before his orgasm appears imminent, put your thumb on one side of the base of the penis and the tips of your index and middle fingers on the other side, then squeeze. You can then start your mutual ascent to the mountaintop again.
5. Slam-dunk him with a quickie.
Arousal is a mysterious and powerful thing, and sometimes the frenzied abandon of a quick and lustful coupling can produce a climax that's every bit as explosive as a marathon session in the sack. I suspect this has something to do with that centuries-old sexual circuitry we mentioned: Sex without ceremony can tap into deep reservoirs of animal instinct. I personally had one of my strongest orgasms when my wife overpowered me as I innocently came home from work one night -- pieces of clothing were scattered between the front door and the bedroom. I'm sure the fact that she was the instigator added fuel to the fire.
6. Catch him with his defenses down.
A corollary of the quickie concept is the sneak attack: An element of sexual surprise can produce a powerful climax. Sometimes you need to cut through all the chaos and clutter of modern life. Anything from job pressure to money woes to kid problems to bedroom boredom can come between you and your man's deepest passions. Spontaneity can help bring him to his senses. A good time to try this is on a weekend morning. That's usually when men are most relaxed and their testosterone levels are at their peak.
7. Go straight for his most-prized possession.
It's not really politically correct to admit this, but the truth is that when orgasm is imminent, there's only one male erogenous zone, and you know where it is. "That doesn't mean men don't like to be kissed or caressed, but when it comes to orgasm, you can start and end with the penis," says Marilyn Volker, Ed.D., a sexologist in Miami.
It makes sense, therefore, that when men are out for the most lustful orgasms, their positions of choice tend to be those that provide the most direct penile stimulation, and the best opportunities for penile thrust. "For pure physicality, rear entry is the way to go," says Carl, 31, an environmental planner. "There's more friction, more depth...I also love it when my wife is on top, holding herself up, especially when she does that backward."
Carl also mentions another favorite form of penile stimulation: the vaginal squeeze of a woman who's been doing her Kegel excercises. (Kegels strengthen the PC muscle, the one you clench when you want to shut off your flow of urine.) "All of a sudden it feels like a hand gripping you," he says. "That's amazing."
8. Explore the forbidden zones.
As concentrated as we men are on our penises, there are other strategic spots that, when stimulated, can send us careening over the edge.
Some men say that having their testicles stroked as they come heightens the sensation. "Women are more worried about touching the testicles than they should be," says Adam, 32, an insurance rep. "It's only when you bang into the testicles that it hurts. Having the scrotum rubbed feels great." Other sensitive spots seem to depend more on personal taste. Richard, 49, a writer and editor, loves it when his wife rubs his nipples; Carl recalls a girlfriend who greedily sucked his fingers; and sex therapists often recommend massaging the point between the testicles and anus -- called the perineum -- at the point of orgasm.
9. Respect the sacred moment.
The male orgasm consists of two stages. In stage one, the sperm is drawn up from the testicles and pooled with ejaculatory fluids in a sort of staging area just below the prostate gland. Masters and Johnson called this the point of "ejaculatory inevitability," meaning that the man's mother, his priest, and his former girlfriend could walk in the room, and his orgasm would continue as if nothing had happened. Stage two, which kicks in seconds later, is ejaculation.
If possible, avoid interrupting your man's concentration as the stages unfold. Using techniques that both of you know and like is fine, but unexpected, dramatic maneuvers at the point of orgasm are more likely to distract than accentuate. Moving a lot falls into that category. Simply stand back, as it were, and let his orgasm happen. "It's not the time to get fancy or creative," says Carl.
Again, a dilemma: How do you find new ways to push your man over the top without interrupting his orgasmic concentration? Realize that you have to choose some nights to experiment and others to go for the peak experience.
10. Love him to death.
The biggest secret about men's orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. That's why they're so sensitive to the environment; slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. Will, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can't come at all if he's too worried about his job.
The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. That's an avenue I expected would be number one on most men's hit parade. And it is -- but only as foreplay.
What's at the bottom of all this, I think, is that we men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men -- even married men -- can get nervous being emotionally naked. When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, Richard fondly recalled lovers who grabbed him by his butt and pulled him tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to completely absorb him. Paul, a 35-year-old executive, talked about how his wife sometimes lovingly strokes his face as he comes. "It's about her showing that she really wants me," he says.
Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it.
Then hold on for dear life.
What You're Really Doing in Bed
What's the Frequency?
Overall, most of you are pretty pleased with your sex lives -- of those who currently have a partner, 64% rate your satisfaction level 3 or 4 out of 5, and 14% say it's a thrilling, couldn't-be-better 5. But as happy as you are, you'd still like more. A hefty majority (65%) of you wish you were having sex more often -- nearly a quarter say a lot more often -- while only 4% would like to have sex less often. The number one reason you're not getting it on as often as you'd like? You're too tired, say 46% of you. Women with children under 18 at home are also worried about the kids seeing or hearing (19%).
How Often Do You Have Sex?
How Often Would You Like to Have Sex?
You Tell Us.... What's the main thing keeping you from having more sex?
"My husband is an early bird and I am a night owl. He crashes out around the same time our three kids go to bed, and I end up staying up doing housework and paperwork. If only I could get him to take a nap when he comes home from work!" -- Kath, 42
"I work full-time, I'm married, and I have a 1-year-old son. At the end of the day I am tired, and all I want to do is get the baby to bed so I can take a relaxing shower or bath and go to bed!" -- Lisa, 24
"I'd love to be having more sex, but I'm ashamed to say I don't like my body right now." -- Michelle, 34
"There just aren't enough hours in a day to take care of work, the house, the pets, the daughter, and the husband. (Notice how he comes last!)" -- Kathy, 42
"I think it's resentment from working all day and then coming home to dishes, meals, laundry, homework help...." -- Paula, 35
"My boyfriend is always too tired or not into it. I thought it was the girl who got out of it by complaining that she was tired, not the guy!" -- Jill, 25
You Tell Us.... When are you most likely to be in the mood?
"I'm most likely to be in the mood after having a relaxing time, such as a night out. I'm also more likely when it's not late at night. I get worried about not getting enough sleep and don't feel like using that valuable time for sex!" -- Kim, 32
"When my hubby and I share special time together -- watching a movie, walking while holding hands, just a complete connection with lots of affection." -- Janice, 48
"I am a very visual person, so any time I see something that reminds me of sex -- sometimes it's something as simple as a picture of a good-looking man -- I'm in the mood right away. There is also certain music that will put me in the mood quickly." -- Chris, 45
"Any time I see my husband as the individual he is. Sometimes I think we forget that we are each separate people. When I see him lost in conversation, entertaining, and just being himself, I want to drag him into the bedroom." -- Kellie, 34
"Being outside enjoying nature makes me feel especially close to my husband, and that closeness needs a venue for expression." -- Janie, 49
"I like to have sex after a busy, productive day at work. It's a great stress releaser and an excellent way to unwind." -- Holly, 44
Something to brag about:
43% of you think your sex life is better than average. Only 17% say it's worse than average.
Men Answer Your Secret Sex Question: Do you care how great the sex is, or are you just happy you're having sex?
The men we asked were pretty evenly divided on this question -- after all, quality and quantity both have their benefits. One guy summed it up well: "When you're married, you already have that strong sexual connection with someone, so sex is guaranteed to be good. Quantity -- maintaining and keeping that connection -- becomes more important." -- Todd, 36
You Tell Us.... How has being married affected your sex life?
"Being married is great, but it does set up some bad habits. Sex can become mechanical. You tend to get too comfortable. The romance sometimes heads south. My husband tends to focus only on two areas -- Honk! Honk! here and Rub! Rub! there." -- Michelle, 34
"Marriage has only made my sex life better. I feel so safe and comfortable with him that it makes it easier for me to experiment and try more things." -- Kellie, 34
"I have much more sex now than when I was single -- and more orgasms! Especially since I turned 40, they have gotten so much longer and more intense." -- Holly, 44
"It takes more work sometimes to keep it hot, but in the end it's worth it not to have to worry about the who, what, where, when, and why of dating. And most of all, to know that I'm cherished and that we're in it together for the long haul." -- Julie, 39
Who Wants Sex More?
So much for the myth that men are always up for action -- about a third of you say that your guy wants sex more than you do, but nearly a quarter of those in relationships say that you're the one who wants it more often. Don't take it personally -- often, it has nothing to do with you or your relationship. "For men, self-esteem and sexual desire are intimately connected," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of He Comes Next. "Low desire may simply be work- or stress-related."
What happens when one of you is in the mood and the other isn't? According to you, your guy is much more likely to just say no: 26% say your guy turns you down completely when he's not in the mood, while only 11% do the same to him. You're more likely than he is to give it a whirl anyway (69% vs. 59%) or compromise with oral sex or another just-for-him treat (20% vs. 15%).
You Tell Us.... How does it make you feel when you're in the mood for sex and he's not?
"If I am in the mood and he is not, it hurts my feelings. I feel like I'm not turning him on. I feel bad when he's in the mood and I'm not, so I do it anyway." -- Michele, 42
"I am in the mood more often than my husband is -- chalk it up to my healthier living -- so I find myself being disappointed when I need a man's touch and I'm not getting it. My vibrator comes in handy then, but it's not the same." -- Kath, 42
"I'll admit it: I get really annoyed when my husband doesn't want to have sex. I don't take it personally, but I still want it when I want it! I also tend to get annoyed with myself when I'm not in the mood for sex. More often than not I make myself be in the mood, but sometimes you're just not into it." -- Michelle, 26
Are You Faking It?
When it comes to orgasms, many of you think honesty is the best policy: 35% say you've never faked one. However, one third of you say you fake it either occasionally or regularly (32% say you used to fake it, but don't anymore). Why? Of those who have faked orgasm, 60% say it was to make him feel good (35% say you did it -- or do it -- just to get sex over with).
Hey, give your guy some credit, says Anita Clayton, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy. "Men want to please their partners, and they can't do it if you're not honest about what works."
You Tell Us.... When was the last time you faked orgasm, and why did you do it?
"I faked it last night because it was lasting forever and I just wanted to go to sleep." -- Lisa, 42
"I have only faked once. Honestly, I felt so bad because my husband was trying so hard to satisfy me; I just couldn't seem to reach orgasm and it was starting to feel like work. But I admitted it to him afterward, and he told me he'd rather know if I wasn't going to, instead of me faking." -- Becky, 29
"I've never faked an orgasm because I figured if I did, then we would never figure out what works and what doesn't." -- Tonya, 28
Uh-oh! 4% of you have never had an orgasm with a partner.
Whoa! 13% of you have had five or more orgasms in a single sex session.
What Gets You Going?
Okay, okay -- we know what you're really curious about is what everyone else is doing behind closed bedroom doors. For starters, your favorite position is him on top (39%), followed by you on top (28%) and from behind (25%). For most of you (55%), sex usually lasts between 10 and 30 minutes, with another 22% saying it lasts 30 minutes to an hour. What about foreplay? With less than half an hour for sex, you've gotta be efficient: Three to 10 minutes of foreplay is the norm, say 41% of you; another 31% get 10 to 20 minutes of warm-up.
Sexy Statistics: How adventurous are you? Here's how many of you have tried these sex-life boosters:
You Tell Us.... What have you tried to spice things up in bed?
"I love to dress up in costumes complete with wigs. My guy comes to the door and is greeted by someone very sexy and different. I even disguise my voice!" -- Louise, 46
"We have tried role-playing and we also talk dirty to each other on the phone during the day." -- Kellie, 34
"We give each other full-body massages with light touches and rubs, barely grazing those intimate spots but not full-on touching them. It is very sensual and relaxing and makes you crave more." -- Jamie, 27
"Just different positions, and of course my husband loves porn -- I don't mind it either. I also have a collection of toys that we use together. He loves to watch me use them." -- Holly, 44
"I bought a red lightbulb for my bedside table lamp for mood lighting. We sometimes use blindfolds -- that can really enhance the experience." -- Chris, 45
"We never have sex in the bedroom. It's always someplace else in the house, in the car, wherever we can." -- Kathy, 42
"Getting the TV out of our bedroom, putting on more mood music, and lots of candles." -- Cabrielle, 36
"We've tried a little light bondage by tying each other up with some ties or using a blindfold. And we used to sneak off and rent a hotel room for a few hours so we could enjoy ourselves in a Jacuzzi without worrying about the kids walking in on us." -- Shannon, 36
Here's a question you often ask us: Do other women enjoy performing oral sex? According to our poll, you're pretty evenly divided: 49% think it's a real turn-on; 40% say you do it just for him but don't love it yourself; and 11% really dislike it. On the other hand, most of you appreciate receiving oral: 33% say it's your favorite thing to do in bed; 56% say you enjoy it but enjoy other things just as much; and only 11% say you'd rather skip it. But surprise, surprise: You're more likely to never receive oral (11%) than to never perform it (7%). Hey, that's no fair!
Men Answer Your Secret Sex Question: What makes for great oral sex?
"The key is variation: Mix up the pace, while switching between shallow and deep throat motions." -- Stan, 45
"Be consistent. In the beginning, variety and creativity is great, but once you figure out the right combination, speed, and pressure, stick to one rhythm until the end." -- Philip, 33
"Maintaining eye contact is one of the hottest moves a woman can make during oral sex. It's more intimate and is nonverbal confirmation that she's enjoying it as much as you are." -- Dave, 28
"Attend to the head and the shaft, but don't forget the balls. It's often overlooked, but a very sensitive hot spot." -- John, 30
"The element of surprise. I've been married for 15 years, and oral sex is sometimes the last thing I'm expecting. When she suddenly pushes me down on the bed out of the blue, it's a great rush." -- Brendan, 44
"Being hands-on. For women who don't like giving oral sex, with the right hand motions, you actually don't have to use your mouth that much." -- Todd, 36
How Are Those O's?
Congratulations: 51% of you say that you reach orgasm every time or nearly every time you're with your guy. (Another 31% say you orgasm half to three-quarters of the time.) That doesn't mean orgasm is a sure thing -- when asked how easy it is for you to climax with your guy, on a scale of 1 to 5, 31% of you say it's just a 3, while only 19% say it's a 5. Only 15% say you can always peak from intercourse alone, while 21% say you never can. On the other hand, when asked how easy it is for you to reach orgasm by yourself, almost half of you said 5, or, "It's a sure thing." Yet 22% of you say you never masturbate at all. That's a shame, considering that masturbating is not only fun -- it can actually help your partnered sex life. "Research shows that women who masturbate have better sexual response in all areas: more orgasms, less pain, even more desire," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of The Passion Prescription.
Sexy Statistics: What's the easiest way for you to reach orgasm?
Sweet! 19% of you say you still make out with your partner -- without taking it further -- "all the time." (But 31% say you haven't done it since you were first dating.)
Men Answer Your Secret Sex Question: Do you fantasize about other women?
"I'm going to sound hopelessly corny, if not a downright liar, but during sex (or while alone) I only fantasize about my wife. Real scenes are fresher, and better to replay in my mind." -- John, 38
"If I'm having difficulty keeping my focus during sex, whether it's due to job stress or fatigue, I think about random girls I've seen on TV. A hot -- but brief -- image revives me so I can keep going." -- Tom, 40
"I love my girlfriend, but sometimes in the homestretch, I think of Salma Hayek. It intensifies the finish." -- Sam, 30
"I don't think about other women when I'm with my girlfriend. But when I'm alone, sometimes I fantasize about former girlfriends. The scenarios feel like new, but better, because I've actually lived them before." -- Dave, 28
"At any given time, the male brain is a library of sexual images we've encountered throughout the day, or even years. It can be a momentary flash of the cute checkout girl, or a sexy movie scene we watched years ago. Sometimes during sex, those images creep into your mind. But it just adds to the excitement." -- Brendan, 44
You Tell Us.... What do you think other people would be shocked to learn about your sex life?
"I think most people would be surprised that as quiet and reserved as I am, I'm quite passionate in the bedroom." -- Glynis, 43
"I have never given oral sex to my fiancé until he orgasms. He gives me oral sex almost every time we have sex, and I finish. But I just can't seem to bring him to the finish line by giving him oral sex." --Jean, 26
"I've never gotten naked in the light in front of my husband." -- Kim, 29
"What would most likely shock my female friends, given the way they talk, is that I enjoy giving my husband oral sex." -- Kathy, 46
"While I'm more dominant in a lot of areas of our life, my husband is totally 'the boss' in the bedroom." -- Donna, 45
"I've never had an orgasm and have given up trying...for the time being." -- Jill, 25
"I want to have a threesome with another woman." -- Jan, 38
"We're newlyweds but we only have sex once a week for about three minutes." -- Kelly, 34
"The sound of other people having sex turns me on." -- Brittany, 32
"I'm almost 30 and I've never had sex." -- Stefanie, 28
"My husband and I enjoy anal sex -- and role reversal -- using a strap-on." -- Stacey, 37
"How rarely we have intercourse, but that we use other methods to achieve satisfaction." -- Cheryl, 44
"I can go hours with just breast play and achieve multiple orgasms from it." -- Judy, 54
Source: Redbook, www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/what-youre-really-doing-in-bed?ecd=wnl_erd_061607