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Menstuff® has compiled information and books
on the issue of Being a Man. This section is an
archive Dennis Neder's weekly column featured daily
on our homepage. Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author
of Being
a Man in a Woman's World, Remington
Publications, 818.246.2058. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Archive 2001 Updated
9/30/01.
October 1-7
Relationship Management During a Crisis
Managing relationships when crisis hits is a
difficult task. You often get into things you
wouldn't otherwise or even use your relationship as
a way to console your feelings of helplessness,
anger and fear.
Here in California, I've seen this many times
happen during our earthquakes, fires and riots.
Even during the Gulf War, people naturally wanted
to help ease their suffering and often turn to
their relationships.
It's a good idea to draw off the strength of
those you love, and to share yours with them, but
be careful not to use the stress brought on by
crisis against your partner, or as an excuse to
over-commit. Let's look at both of these
scenarios:
Turning Your Anger, Fear or Anxiety Inward to
the Relationship
Some people don't handle crisis very well. This
isn't a bad thing - who in this country really gets
much chance to learn how? Frankly, up until now,
we've had it pretty good. Because of this, when a
crisis DOES hit, many are just not prepared.
Everyone hopes that they will act like a hero
during a crisis. Obviously, there are a relative
few that actually can. Of course, everyone wants to
be that person, but few get the chance to prepare
themselves, and even fewer have it in them
naturally. This lack of preparation leads to
overreaction, frustration, fear and anxiety. Many
people start to lash-out at those around them, and
often strike the person in closest reach - their
lover, wife, husband, or partner.
Dealing with this situation is a double-edged
sword - both from the standpoint of the person
inflicting the damage, and from the person
receiving it. How do you handle all the conflicting
emotions? Is there a way to vent them without
harming someone you love?
Yes - the first key however is to realize that
you're having difficulty dealing with the crisis.
During a crisis, you want to take extra care to
deal with all the conflicting emotions you may
feel. You may need to talk to someone.
You should also recognize that your partner
might be having his or her own issues. It's easy
(and natural) to turn your focus inward, but try
not to forget that he or she may be going through
many of the same things you are.
Using a Crisis as an Excuse to
Over-Commit
We've seen this every time there is a major
event - be it a disaster like an earthquake, or a
war; people decide to step-up their plans or jump
into commitments they wouldn't otherwise make.
During both World Wars, the war in Vietnam, and
even as recent as the Gulf War, many people chose
to get engaged, married, pregnant, etc., before
leaving to separating. While this may seem
romantic, it is rarely a good idea. Why should a
crisis change the path of your relationship?
Of course, knowing that there is someone waiting
back home may make the distance seem less
important, but consider what may happen when you
return. Perhaps this person has changed their
minds. Maybe they only agreed to this to appease
the person leaving, etc. There are hundreds of
reasons why someone may decide to agree to change
their relationship.
If you're the one staying home, you too may be
tempted to change your relationship. Consider that,
while your partner is away, many things may change
- for both of you. The promises you make today may
not be practical in a few weeks, months or even
years.
What Should You Do Right Now?
If you haven't already, try to define your
relationship to yourself. Be brutally honest - not
wistfully unaware! If you're in the relationship
for convenience or because you just don't have the
heart to break it off, realize that. On the other
hand, if you're building your relationship to a
goal, accept that and define the goal even more
clearly. Also try to view your relationship (as
clearly as possible) from your partner's eyes, but
don't feel compelled to share this with your
partner however. You're building a personal
definition only. Then, do nothing.
What? I hear you asking, "If I'm going through
the effort to really define my relationship, why
shouldn't I do something about it?" Because, you
need to have a stable platform to work from. You
need to understand that your definition of the
relationship may be colored by your emotions of the
crisis. However, if you don't give (or haven't up
until now given), your relationship some meaning or
purpose for existing, you can't easily decide the
best way to act within it.
Unfortunately, too many people live lives as
"wandering generalities". That is, they do all the
things most of us do, but they tend to wander; to
and from their jobs, with their friends; and in
their relationships. Thus, without some definition,
any action is the right one - even inflicting
unintentional harm or over-committing to future
plans.
Try to keep your relationship on a consistent
path. Do the same things you did before the crisis.
Go to movies or rent them if that's what you're
used to doing. Spend time together but don't think
you have to force yourselves together more often or
for longer periods than before. There has never
been a more important time to "live for today",
because you don't know what tomorrow will
bring.
What Should You Do In The Long-Term?
It's ok to have plans - even to make them during
a crisis. However, be careful not to act on them
until you're in a more rational time and place. By
taking the previous step and defining your
relationship (for yourself), you at least have a
yardstick to measure it by.
What if you already have future plans for your
relationship? Don't change them - in fact, don't
change anything about your life. Don't take money
out of the bank or stock market, don't cancel plans
with friends or family, and don't make major
changes to your relationship plans.
Resources
Everyone in the world is affected by this recent
cowardly act. Some are affected in deep, profound
ways. Remember, you don't have to go through this
alone. In fact, you owe it to your loved ones and
yourself to insure you have the strength to move
ahead with your life.
As President Bush as said, this is going to be a
"dirty war". We are going to grow up as a nation
and need to grow up as individuals. This involves
learning new, more effective coping skills. Here
are some resources you might want to use in helping
to cope with this tragedy:
- FBI Tip website
- World Trade Center Survivor Database
- Justice Department phone line to provide
information to families about victims and
services for survivors: 1.800.331.0075
- American Red Cross appeals for blood:
1.800.448.3543
- Cash donations to the Red Cross:
1.800.435.7669
- Cash donations to the Salvation Army:
1.800.725.2769
- Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA):
1.800.424.8802
- FEMA Nation Map of Regional Offices
- North American Center for Emergency
Communications: 1.218.229.2887
- Disaster Area Missing Person Search
Form
- Web pages set up for WTC Crisis folks to
check in
- Doctors who want to volunteer their help:
1.518.431.7600
- Crisis
services, coping information, forums,
hotlines, emergency and crisis hotlines
- Victims of Crime Resource Center:
1.800.627.6872
- How You Can Help suggestions from
Helping.org
- National Center for Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder
- isting of
- Disaster Mental Health Handouts
- Steps You Can Take To Cope In Stressful
Situations
- Coping With the Aftermath of a Disaster
- What to Tell Children About Terrorist
Bombings
- Sudden Deaths: A Survival Guide for Family
and Friends
- Craig's list Disaster Forum
© 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
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