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8 Things No One Tells You About
Old/New Rules for Marriage
8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage
"...And they lived happily ever after." You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.
In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there.
Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.
That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever? When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy your soul mate you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.
Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.
That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.
Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined. Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.
If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.
"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself or him on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder). Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.
You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.
Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself let the emotions settle a bit and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."
4. You will go without sex sometimes for a long time and that's okay. There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And....
Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)
And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."
The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.
5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together. I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns often. That is, until I learned a few things.
Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."
The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?
6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right. Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real sometimes buried issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.
7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself. Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.
There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.
Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.
Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"
8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of. I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.
There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me really and truly this stuff wouldn't happen.
I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.
I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.
That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and
hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end,
those are the things that give richness to your life together
and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.
Old/New Rules for Marriage
Young couples (like you!) have rewritten the rules for what makes wedded life work better these days. Tune in to the marital trends below for the latest and best guidelines to stay in sync with your guy.
1. Old rule: Spend all your leisure time together. And be suspicious if your spouse wants away-from-you time.
New rule: Occasionally go out with friends without your spouse. It's normal and even necessary, and will enrich your marriage.
Not long ago, a screeching alarm went off - "Warning, marriage on the rocks ahead!" if a wife (or husband) said that dinner or a movie with buds after work, sans spouse, was on tap. But young marrieds today are a lot more flexible about who they hang with and when. This is because many people now are likelier to have friends who are not part of their "couple" group, says Redbook Marriage Institute adviser Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Ph.D., co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. Couples aren't so insular anymore they have outside interests and hobbies that expose them to a greater range of people. And most husbands and wives have also worked for several years before marriage, developing a wider network of job-related pals. These relationships are coveted and continue to be nurtured post-wedding, says Whitehead. This growing trend through the '90s has now become a "rule," because husbands and wives expect such flexibility in their marriage. "Constant togetherness is unhealthy for any relationship," says Whitehead. "It wraps you in a very narrow world, and even makes problems you have in that world seem bigger than they are." Having outside friendships "gives you not only a broader perspective, but also richer experiences that keep life exciting and, in turn, help make you a more interesting spouse," she says.
Yet too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. How to tell whether you're spending too much time in a circle of friends that your spouse isn't part of? If you are more absorbed in the goings-on in your friends' lives than with your man's or if you share important news or thoughts with pals before confiding in your spouse, scale back pronto.
2. Old rule: Seek professional counseling to help a troubled marriage.
New rule: Make a good marriage great from the start by learning helpful relationship skills taught through couples' workshops.
Many young husbands and wives want to prevent marital meltdown before problems heat up. They've seen the havoc that the divorces of their parents' generation have wreaked. So there's no stigma about attending marriage seminars at colleges, through houses of worship and via "relationship" conventions -- that teach practical communication and compromise skills, says Whitehead. In fact, newlyweds are admired for investing in their relationship from day one, she explains. Whether for advice on fitness, parenting, finances or marriage, people flock to bookstores, Websites, workshops and experts. It's proactive to say, "Hey, let's find out how to make our union as loving as possible to circumvent stumbling blocks," adds Redbook Marriage Institute adviser David Popenoe, Ph.D., co-director (with Whitehead) of the National Marriage Project.
For example, Redbook Marriage Institute adviser John Gottman, Ph.D., director of the Gottman Institute (gottman.com) in Seattle and author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., his wife, run weekend workshops during which couples practice conflict-management skills. "One husband got upset when his wife was busy and not paying attention to him," Gottman explains. "He would say, 'I always come last with you. You're so emotionally unavailable. What's wrong with you?' It was an attack that didn't get positive results." The husband learned a new technique called the "softened start-up," which encourages broaching difficult topics in a nonaccusatory way, such as saying: "Remember the evening last month when we cuddled and talked? That was so nice. How can we do more of that?"
To find marriage education programs near you, check the directory at smartmarriages.com, an info site from the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
3. Old rule: Husbands and wives should divide housework equally.
New rule: Do chores according to whichever partner has the appropriate skills, time and inclination to do them.
"Today, it's a given that men contribute to housework," says Redbook Marriage Institute adviser Janet Hyde, Ph.D., a marital researcher at the University of Wisconsin. Because of feminism's impact on the family, young men have grown up in homes in which they have been not only expected to pitch in, but were taught many of the skills from cooking to cleaning by their mothers, to make it happen.
Yet the once much-touted ideal of a 50-50 division of labor, which, though certainly seen as a "rule," never became a reality in most households, is no longer even a goal for young couples today. Who does which chore is flexible and ever-changing - depending on what is going on in the couple's lives, such as jobs, kids and other lifestyle factors, says Redbook Marriage Institute adviser Norman Epstein, Ph.D., a marital researcher in the Department of Family Studies at the University of Maryland. In a world where order-in food and send-out laundry are increasingly commonplace, and both partners may work all day, the playing field is somewhat leveled, says Whitehead. And yesteryear's Suzy Homemaker standards have also relaxed; couples are looking for ways to simplify their home life. Although women still generally tend to take on the most responsibility for housework and want chores completed in a certain way "what's new is that husbands are expected to be sensitive to their wife's needs and the changing demands of running a home," says Gottman. If your man isn't onboard with you, it's essential to tune him in to your feelings through "I" statements, such as, "I'm feeling overwhelmed doing 10 loads of family laundry a week. What solution can we come up with?" Shy away from finger-pointing statements that aren't solution-oriented, like, "Why don't you help more around the house?"
It's good for the cooperative spirit of your marriage to periodically review together all household tasks. Who has better skills to cook? To invest savings? To garden? Who wants to make sure that certain chores are even done? For example, if a husband couldn't care less whether the bed is made daily, but his wife feels that coming home to a "visually ordered bedroom" gives her solace, making the bed becomes her task. For this same couple, washing the kitchen floor and cleaning the toilet may be a chore neither volunteers to do. So they may give up a luxury item in their budget in order to hire a cleaning person.
4. Old rule: The true test of a marriage is how well you get through the big crises.
New rule: The little, everyday things both positive and negative are what really determine a relationship's success.
No one denies that major upheavals a job loss, family illness or death, betrayal can rock a relationship, and that weathering these storms can deepen your bond. But research has found that it's your daily give-and-take that more accurately sets your relationship's tone and thereby predicts long-term success.
How to make sure your give-and-take is the right kind to sail through a storm? Strengthen your marriage through what Gottman calls "daily rituals of connection," like kissing hello and good-bye, briefly checking in during work hours, asking about each other's day at dinner, picking up treats for each other, holding hands, leaving thoughtful notes. Sound easy? Too many couples brush aside these rituals in the hubbub of life. And here's the key: When you reach out to connect, give yourself over to the love task completely. For example, don't ask about his job as you're getting something from the fridge and wiping your kid's nose. If you make it your mantra to "Devote attention to your spouse in a hundred different ways," that attitude will rub off in your daily interactions and ultimately will determine your connections during those high hurdles, explains Gottman.
Similarly, steer clear of little, frequent twinges of negativity such as name-calling, put-downs and cold shoulders. These are hurtful habits that can break down the mesh of resiliency you'll need to see you through down times.
5. Old rule: To have a strong marriage, choose a partner who shares the same background as you.
New rule: For a strong union, it doesn't matter if your backgrounds are different; your negotiating and compromising skills are more important.
How satisfied couples are in their relationship is less a result of how similar their expectations and values are in the first place. It's much more influenced by how they positively resolve decisions that come up from what religion to raise their children to how often in-laws should be visited, from the importance of education to the importance of career growth, says Epstein. A husband and wife with identical upbringings can turn out to have a difficult marriage if they also each have a dig-in-my-heels-to-get-my-way attitude. And a couple who comes from opposite sides of the planet will have an enriching relationship if their priority is to embrace their different backgrounds as a good thing, while growing their love through compromise.
One of the best ways to compromise on a difficult issue, Epstein recommends, is to each write out what your ideal outcome would be, followed by a list of small changes you'd be willing to make to move nearer to a compromise. Putting your thoughts on paper is important, continues Epstein, because it helps you stay focused on your main "bulleted" points, and, when your partner shares his written points with you, there's less likelihood that you'll get caught up over the semantics of speech. For example, if a husband, who comes from a large extended family, wants to brunch with the entourage every Sunday, but his new wife, who grew up an only child and prefers quieter outings, doesn't want to commit to booking every weekend this way, a session with pen and paper can help them see that at least a few options are evident, says Epstein. They could cut down on the frequency of visiting his family to a more comfortable (for her) one Sunday a month. Or, instead of spending an entire afternoon eating and carousing, limit the get-together to an hour. Her husband could also see his family every other weekend by himself. And she could be flexible about visiting more for holidays and birthday celebrations.
Remember, it's not so much what you bring to your marriage that counts, but what you make of it that ultimately matters.
6. Old rule: A couple's romantic relationship must always take a backseat when they become parents.
New rule: After you have a child, it's crucial to make your marriage the priority.
There's no surprise that the time, energy and sacrifices involved in parenting can zap your zest for romance. "In fact, the arrival of a first child is one of the least happy times in many marriages, as most parents adjust to a tremendous level of stress and change," explains Popenoe.
But unlike marrieds in years past, couples today, many of whom wait until they're older to have children (and have fewer of them), are more aware than ever that the happiness of their offspring is greatly influenced by the state of their marriage, says Whitehead. So nurturing the marriage is paramount through regular dates, couple getaways, candlelit dinners at home. But, interestingly, the impetus isn't only to keep kids secure. Young couples see their relationship as Job One, as the thing that ultimately will make them happy. They are aware of how easily that commitment can slip away. It's a selfish attitude that ends up working to the benefit of all.
7. Old rule: Sex is less important the longer you're wed.
New rule: Keep marriage sexually satisfying no matter how many anniversaries have passed.
Today, urged on by a sexually explicit popular culture, as well as by new medical interventions promising randiness throughout their life, Americans have come to expect that intimacy will be a positive, ongoing part of marriage, says Whitehead. People just feel very comfortable today talking about sex and acknowledging its importance long-term, adds Redbook Marriage Institute adviser Lou Paget, author of 365 Days of Sensational Sex.
Want to make sure your bedroom stays rocking? Here are three moves to follow, says Whitehead. First, it's kissing, touching the softer side of a physical relationship that helps couples feel loved, stay close and set off fireworks. Rev up amorous action by increasing that foreplay (which sometimes gets forsaken due to tiredness, busyness or laziness).
Second, don't underestimate the aphrodisiac value of anticipation. On a Monday, planning and then looking forward to a scheduled special booty date on Friday night replete, say, with an erotic film is hot stuff, says Paget. It keeps you two in a heightened, positive state of what's ahead down the road.
And third, be open to spontaneity as well an attitude that
let's you, at a moment's impulse, come together, even spurred on by
something as simple as whispering to him "I can't get enough of
your..." in a midafternoon phone chat.
Source: Jeannie Kim, www.redbookmag.com/love/new-marriage-rules-ll?src=syn&mag=rbk&dom=msn&con=art&link=rel