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Can
Powerful Women Be Righteous
Women?
Change
Talk: How to Make Change in Your
Relationship
Global
Warnings
Imus
Laugh or
Not?
Is
Your Ex Coming to Visit Your
Child?
Missing
Someone So Much It Hurts? Try The Brokenheart
Stomp!
Post
Traumatic Stress: What to Watch
For!
Pregnant
Soldier
Stress
Reduction
Tips
Ten
Ways to Teach Your Child to Be
Kind
Trust
Again?
Missing Someone So Much It
Hurts? Try The Brokenheart Stomp!
Things looking bleak?
When milestone days
approach, a holiday, a birthday or deathday, do
your emotions tumble downhill as you struggle with
lonely, depressing efforts to hold back your
feelings? Is the one you really want with someone
else, or did he or she pass away, yet you hunger
and yearn for whom is missing? Do you have to push
away painful memories just to get through the day
and that takes all your concentration and energy?
The pain of heartbreak can be acute and
overwhelming. Your grief keeps you focused on the
pain when you think about them. Maybe after fifty
years you only remember the day someone died or
your first love's face as he left you. The grief
blocks all the good memories that lie beneath
waiting.
Would you like to try a
quick fix for an enduring heartache? You have
memories of these people that are yours to enjoy,
too. If you can just get past the grief, even
temporarily, you might recapture lost moments of
joy.
Take tonight to be alone
and set the stage for memories of someone who was
once precious, but is now missing. Light some
candles, get out the worn photos, drop the fake
smile from your face....finally, and allow yourself
to really feel the pain. Step into the murky water
of your tears and despair and wail and cry, for
say, ten minutes. Then, take the next ten minutes
to crank up some rhythmic music and express the
pain physically. Boldly and wildly move your body
in an expression of your hurt. Next, gradually
change the dance to a joyful or silly one, like the
chicken dance. The physical efforts release brain
chemicals. Hopefully, no one is watching this
cathartic gig but if someone is, explain that you
dance for your health.
Grief held inside is
poison. The act of grieving is about releasing the
toxic thoughts and physical ramifications of those
thoughts. Faking it, smiling when you could split
apart in pain or pretending you do not care is not
fooling your organs. Get the pent up rage, despair,
guilt or envy out of you. Just talking about it or
ignoring it will not release grief as well as the
Brokenheart Stomp. The change from a grieving
movement to a happier movement will send a powerful
signal to the mind that you are trying to recover
from grief.
Purging grief is a detox
cleanse that allows you to recover joy and balance
to your mind and gut. You NEVER have to stop
feeling love and longing for what you miss, but you
need to periodically fall back deeply into your
sadness, feel terrible and then release it quickly
just like a cramp in your foot. When the pain
begins to build up, try shaking it out and then
laugh loudly long before you sincerely feel happy.
Our bodies respond to the emotion we act out, so
act out a joyful dance.
Loving someone - even if
it does not last - can become a source of
experience and strength to treasure, if you learn
to release the grief regularly. Grief can last
years, but your nervous system needs a break
frequently. The Heartbreak Stomp may shorten the
pain by grieving the feelings out just a bit while
you laugh at your antics. Take this opportunity to
remember the good and bask for a bit in positive
memories of having loved someone dearly.
Eventually, the pain will go and the good memories
will heal your heart and last forever.
Trust Again?
Are you suffering with a deep gut ache wondering if
you can trust this person? Does trust require a
restriction of inquiry? Have you locked yourself
into a damned if you ask and potentially damned if
you do not ask quandary? Are you willing to risk
damaging your relationship and hurting your
partner’s feelings? Will your inquiry prompt
the inevitable response? “Now since you do not
trust me I might as well do what you have accused
me of doing!” How can you proceed with out
making a mess of your relationship?
Runaway feelings and
emotions so characteristic of falling in love or
the excitement of a start-up company can make you
put a person on a pedestal. Do you prefer to view
the world and your partner through the rose-colored
glasses of trust until proven unworthy? The silent
trust deal says you do not ask your partner to
prove their trustworthiness and demands that you
know without asking. You bestow trust upon him or
her without proof. If one invests carelessly too
much of their lives into the relationship and is
betrayed, the extradition can be difficult and
involve a wide circle of friends and family.
Initially more pleasant and less work, this
attitude is fraught with risk and vulnerability.
Most people remove their rosy glasses after their
first heartbreak.
On the other hand, do you
choose a position of mistrust until you acquire
proof positive of the ability to trust demonstrated
with consistent behavior. This requires a holding
back of your feelings. To lead a life of bitter
disappointment devoid of the uplifting flight of
heart that comes from just believing in someone or
something is also risky and unprotected.
Opportunities for love may be lost if you are too
defended.
The fake it until you make
it philosophy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you
behave like your partner is trustworthy, the trust
can help to support your partner when tempted to
cheat. The act of trusting creates its own momentum
in a relationship. Positive creates positive
reactions and pessimistic negativity creates
negative reactions.
The most important element
of trust is the lack of suspicion felt in the pit
of your stomach. You happily move forward in your
day assuming that your relationship is just fine.
There is an absence, a silence that one takes for
granted until something out of the ordinary causes
you to doubt. Once that doubt creeps in a chain
reaction starts. Your adrenals flood your body and
you can hardly breathe or function. Doubt,
suspicion, jealousy eat away at your tranquility
leaving you a pile of jangled nerves. Unable to
function in your work and the inability to think
reasonably or to recover your sense of balance may
lead to rash and sometimes violent actions. Whether
true betrayal or just imaginary mental scenes have
transpired, you must quiet your reactionary rage.
Innocent until proven guilty counts in
relationships, too.
If your partner admits to
betraying you, you have several choices. If you are
deeply in love and isolated from the support of
friends and family, do not abruptly walk out the
door. You may need to rely on the shreds of your
relationship to help you through the deep grief of
losing trust in someone you love. What is the true
cost of betrayal? Have you assessed the amount of
potential damages to your world if you cannot trust
your partner? Illness, divorce, hurt for your
children and even death are consequences that might
result from betrayal.
Once you sort it all out,
do you risk your heart and trust again? The
assumption that your relationship will never be
tested is unrealistic. There is no way to guarantee
that trust will never be broken again. If you love
the person, give them a second chance if you
possibly can. If they make no effort to protect you
from hurt or to change their behavior, you may need
to question if his or her love is strong enough and
worth investing your welfare and future.
To rebuild trust as a
couple, remember to:
- Get the facts before
reacting, be honest and stay honest.
- Allow yourself or your
partner a desensitization period to rehash the
hurt over and over until they heal.
- Accept or give a
sincere apology and make it up to your partner
any way you can.
- Know that it can take
a year for your partner to grieve and learn to
trust you again.
- Learn to be more open
with each other to deepen your
connection.
Is Your Ex Coming to Visit
Your Child?
The most important consideration is the child not
you and your stirred up anxiety. Your child needs a
relationship with their parent more than you need
to resolve old feelings from the past. As long as
you trust the parent to keep the child fed and safe
from danger or abuse, be quiet and let their
relationship be what it can be. Relax; think of
your Ex more as a babysitter than a threat. Take
the free time and treat yourself to good parenting
rewards, like walks along the shore, a new shirt, a
pedicure, a glass of wine or wheat grass with a
friend. No matter how wonderful a parent you are,
you are only capable of fulfilling fifty percent of
your child's parenting needs. They need to know
they are worthy and having a visit from an absent
parent can mend a big hole in your child's heart.
Let it be and wish your child the love of that
parent. Your Ex may have abandoned and hurt the
family and you may feel they do not deserve your
child's love. However, your child deserves to feel
loved by his or her parents as much as possible.
Never say an unkind word about your child's parent.
Kids see the truth, usually around twelve years
old, anyway. Pray for that parent to get it before
it is too late, to realize that a child's love is
precious and valuable, never to be taken for
granted or squandered. Miracles happen. Sometimes
people do get wiser with maturity and time, even
Exes.
Pregnant Soldier
The news that you are expecting a baby can be
glorious or worrisome depending on the
parent’s age, financial situation or
disposition to be a parent. Pregnancy can bring
opportunity for great happiness and/or serious
problems like birth defects, stress on
relationships and strain on budgets. Here is how
one young soldier found a solution through
counseling. Confidentiality requires identifiers to
be changed.
Becky was in the Army. She
was a dedicated young career officer in training
and looking forward to her opportunity to serve in
Iraq. She was considering moving in with her
boyfriend who served in the National Guard.
However, her boyfriend had begun to micro manage
her recently and she was getting tired of it. They
had a terrible fight and she discovered she was
glad to be out of the relationship. After her
break-up with her boyfriend, Becky moved in with
her mother who was divorced and supporting a
teen-age son. Becky promised her mother that the
living situation would be temporary as she expected
the call to go to Iraq in the next few
months.
A few weeks later, she
went to her doctor because she was so fatigued she
was having trouble with her duties. The smiling
nurse told Becky that she was pregnant. The reality
of what a pregnancy would do to her military career
was devastating. She left the office in a daze. She
regretted the nights she had a few drinks and blew
off birth control.
Becky’s doctor had
suggested she seek counseling because she was so
upset. At home, she was drinking too much and her
mother thought Becky was worried about the risk of
deployment. It was just the opposite. Becky was
afraid she would not be deployed. Her mother
insisted that she get some counseling,
too.
Becky decided she would
get some help with her options, but she was almost
sure what she was going to do. Becky believed she
could not have a military opportunity and raise a
baby. Although the military has counselors, she was
trying to hide her pregnancy from her superiors.
She said she had trained to kill an enemy, but she
did not know how to handle terminating her
pregnancy. Therefore, she was stuck, unable to make
a decision and had no one to talk to that she could
trust. Becky said that she had not told anyone that
she was pregnant and was trying to make this life
decision alone. She did not want to marry the
father. His behavior had become more outlandish and
threatening since they broke up and she no longer
could imagine a future with him. She was certain
the Army would not send a pregnant officer to serve
overseas. Tearfully, she explained that she had
made up her mind to abort the fetus.
During her first
counseling session, Becky revealed that her mother
had been a terrific mom and that she had aspired to
be the same to her future children. She hated
herself for drinking so much knowing that she was
pregnant. After several sessions, because Becky was
so young and very close to her mother, Becky agreed
that the right approach was to confide in her
family.
Becky decided on her own
that if she were going to tell her family that she
should also tell the father of the baby. However,
her boyfriend was unwilling to change his career
path to be a full time father, but he said he
wanted Becky to have the baby, anyway. Becky
expected his response and his lack of sacrifice.
Somehow, she thought he would help her and now she
felt even worse. She was reluctant to tell her
mother who might hurt her feelings or criticize her
more. Nevertheless, she bravely sat down with her
mother.
Surprisingly, rather than
scolding Becky for being careless, her mother did
not hesitate to present a third workable option.
Her mother was dreading the empty nest loneliness
she expected when her son left for college in a few
years. She saw the baby as a gift and offered to
adopt the baby while Becky continued her military
career. Becky was relieved beyond words. She began
to eat right and stopped drinking alcohol
completely. She took a leave and delivered a
beautiful, healthy child. For several years, Becky
and her mother have shared a happy toddler, who
even has regular visits from his father and
paternal grandparents.
Becky was extremely
fortunate that her mother was capable of raising
another child. An overwhelming problem in one
person’s life became the solution to
loneliness in another’s. If a difficult
decision worries you, seek help from a trained
therapist and the people who love you. Together,
you just may find a creative solution to your
impossible problem.
Ten Ways to Teach Your
Child to Be Kind
Kids do what you do, not what you say. Cruel adults
usually begin their patterns of abuse as children
with brutality to animals. Parents have an
opportunity to instill kind behavior in their
children by teaching the importance of a respectful
relationship with people, pets and the planet.
Protection and kindness are learned behaviors that
parents can pass down to their children and
grandchildren. Here are a few basics that can help
teach a young child to be kind.
1. Let Sleeping Birds
Lie. We have all seen the photo of a young
child running on the beach with a flock of birds
startled into the air. “Wings of Hope”
and the Collier Audubon society say, “Never
force birds to fly. If you see birds on a beach,
walk around them quietly. They are resting!”
Tiptoe past the birds and tell your child the birds
are sleeping. Act disappointed if you see other
children disturbing the birds. Never disturb the
baby turtle nests.
2. Kelly’s
Habitat. Pick a far corner of your yard and let
your child plant a native wildlife habitat. Select
plants or trees that birds and butterflies build
nests in or enjoy as food sources. Name the habitat
after your child and encourage him or her to
observe and record all the species they find in
their habitat.
3. Communicate Your
Special Love. Talk to your children about a
dear pet that you had as a child and how important
the animal was to you. Find an old photo of you and
your pet to show that you cared deeply for a pet
when you were their age. Reminisce and share the
importance of your pet even though they are
gone.
4. Safe or
Dangerous. If you witness a young child
treating an animal unkindly, take action to protect
the animal immediately. However, rather than react
violently yourself, speak in an exaggerated sad
voice reassuring the animal that “Little Billy
did not mean to hurt you and now he is very sorry
and wants to treat you kindly.” Remember the
child sees images of attacking animals in cartoons,
storybooks and television. The child cannot judge
the appropriate reaction to an animal without
guidance from others. Toddlers have no ability to
judge whether he or she should kill an animal or
care for an animal. Expect children to be harsh
with anything that frightens them and make the
wrong decision about new situations. Give the child
an opportunity to treat the animal gently one last
time. If the child teases hurtfully or reacts
violently to the animal again, put the child in
time out for the number of minutes that matches
their age. Deny the child access and opportunity to
abuse the animal and supervise future interaction.
Handling or caring for an animal is a privilege
earned by good behavior.
5. Not Tested on
Animals. Buy products and cosmetics free from
cruel testing and blinding of animals. Be outspoken
about why you are choosing one mascara over the
other and donate your old fur coats to a wild
animal conservancy to use as beds for orphaned wolf
cubs and fox kits.
6. Death by Any Other
Name. Remember that veal means infant cow,
bacon is a pig and Thanksgiving dinner is a turkey.
You can find organic milk from free roaming
pasture-raised cows available even at Starbucks.
Some people have chosen to eat vegetables rather
than animals. You may always choose to eat meat but
it is not really a steak, it is a cow.
7. Hemp, Cotton and
Wool. The latest products – that require
nothing “to die for,” easily replace your
leather designer purse, matching shoes or mink
collar. Buy your family’s clothing from
companies that treat their workers humanely and
boycott sweatshop products that use child labor and
slave wages.
8. Discipline Means
Teaching. Give ample affection and fun to your
child. Teach them to follow sane simple rules but
watch out that your well-meaning discipline never
crosses over the line to child abuse. Millions of
parents have raised children without spanking,
hitting, swearing or shaming.
9. Mr. Rogers,
Blue’s Clues and Sesame Street. Children
learn kindness from watching adults. Turn off the
ridiculous hypnotic violence in film and
television. Advertisers care more about ratings
than about protecting your child from visual scenes
of abuse that he or she may never forget. A
child’s psyche benefits from healthy
programming for children and the absence of
sadistic shows.
10. You Got the Whole
Wide World in Your Hands. The Sierra Club
recommends Energy star-rated light bulbs and
sensors that turn lights on and off. Explain to
your child about the planet’s threshold for
pollution and the serious consequences human
actions can have on the Earth.
Some choices may be
difficult and take extra effort. Learning to be
kind will make your child stronger in their
character, ethics, morality and more certain about
right and wrong when faced with difficult teenage
decisions. Your self-esteem goes up when you do the
right things and you become kind to yourself, too.
Remember little faces are watching you. Your own
behavior choices, not your words, will define
kindness for your child.
Stress Reduction
Tips
Our doctors and therapists warn that stress is the
cause of many illnesses and reduces the quality of
sleep, relationships and well being. Yet, how can
you reduce stress without shirking your duties and
responsibilities? Everyone dreams of running away
to a French chateau as they are driving the carpool
in heavy traffic. However, usually we do not need
to change our lives drastically to make substantial
improvements to our health and happiness. Here are
six steps for type A personalities and overworked
moms to use to reduce stress in their minds and
their lives.
1. Remember when you
were eight years old? What did you think you
would be doing when you grew up? Were you a
fireman? Visit a firehouse and ask if they need a
hand. Were you a ballerina? Enroll in an adult
ballet class and for one hour a week be a beginning
prima donna.
This works because
switching professions to a beloved childhood dream,
even for a few hours a week, takes you back to
childhood fantasy and freedom that is lost for most
adults. Play and stress dissolves.
2. Take a body break.
Lock the door and lie down on the floor in a
sunny spot (use a mat if you wish). Pretend that
you are in acting class and be a cat. Take in the
warmth of the sun on your skin. Elongate your body
and add several inches of length. Widen your body,
spreading your arms, shoulders and legs. Stretch
and release. Breathe deeply and writhe your body in
a sensuous feline stretch. (No one is watching.)
After five minutes return to your normal
activities, unlock the door and tackle your
problems from a more relaxed and lighter sense of
being.
3. Eating alone
tonight? Be your own special guest. Use china
and fancy goblets, linen or at least decorative
paper napkins. Design your plate the way the
cookbook glossy photographs present the food, even
if it is a simple salad. Chew slowly, listen to
music and pretend you are in a movie made in the
thirties. Be elegant and enjoy your delicious
dinner because you matter to you. Standing up in
the kitchen wolfing down 800 calories is negative
in every possible way. Treat yourself like a
winner; your opinion of yourself dictates your
ability to be successful.
4. When you are ninety
years old what do you want to be remembered for
most? A clean kitchen? PTA President? Most
sales for your company? Or a rich full life with
luxurious relaxation and a myriad of new adventures
and activities? We can only do a few things well in
a lifetime. You have to pick your top desires and
let all the rest go. Learn to delegate those tasks
in the nicest possible manner. Swap favors, combine
trips, invite your childrens friends over often and
in exchange earn free afternoons for your exciting
new life. With each moment of satisfaction, you
will feel freer and more self actualized, protected
from the din of daily stress.
5. Stress narrows our
lives to small slivers of repetitive irritation and
unmet demands, especially at work or balancing the
budget. However, earning money is only the
means, not the goal. The answer to, What do you do?
does include your work, but also your burning
desires and goals in life, your entertainment and
joys, your loves and losses. Think big and broad,
with a far reaching vision when you reply. Feel no
need to justify why you love what you
love.
6. Stress is poisonous
frustration and pressure that can be dropped and
forgotten anytime you choose. Unbearable stress
may motivate you to make urgent changes. These
changes may free you to fully live your life your
way. If you had one month, a week or only one day
to live, what would you do differently? What words
would you regret having not said or actions having
not experienced? Sometimes that could mean not
fulfilling the expectations that other people have
created for you. It is, after all, your life. Make
time to begin to do some of those things now that
really matter to your life.
Change Talk: How to Make
Change in Your Relationship
Have you had it? Are you tired of the same routine
that is increasingly stressful and less fun? Have
you talked about making a change but another month
passes and nothing changed at all? Here is how you
can make some big changes that will put back the
time, fun and intimacy in your strained
relationship. These ten tips on Change-Talk will
help transform your warring partner into a willing
and involved team player.
1. The I Statement.
If you start out with “You” we have
already lost! Say, “I want…” You
must decide what is most important to you, right
now. Focus on only one subject. The quickest way to
become ineffective is to dilute your message. If
you ask for multiple things all at once, you are
definitely not going to get them, and then you
start a pattern of failure. Your partner stops
paying attention. Spreading your demands all over
the map renders you powerless and ineffective. The
important thing is that you establish a pattern of
getting what you want and especially getting what
you need. Say, “I want a change in the quality
of our relationship.” Who can argue with
that!
2. Make an
Appointment. Next, agree on a quiet time early
in the day when you and your partner are able to
talk uninterrupted for at least an hour. This is a
time to discuss and listen, maybe with a third
party, like a counselor, trusted friend or family
member. The third person, acting as a mediator, can
help keep it more of a discussion and less of a
fight.
3. It’s Your
Fault. As you each discuss the problem,
somebody’s feelings may get hurt. The more
frightened the dog, the more likely it will bite
you, so be prepared to get nipped. Exploring the
un-chartered waters of your relationship is scary
and threatening. Cut your partner some slack and be
compassionate, even while he or she is acting
ridiculous.
4. It’s All My
Fault. Avoid letting one person take on all the
blame for a current situation or the discussion
will mire down in self-pity and guilt-inducing
wailing. If you are willing to split the blame then
you can move forward and the discussion will
progress.
5. Anger and Tears.
Loud “barking” may occur. As you or your
partner get close to revealing dark, hidden, secret
fears and insecurities, you may defensively lose
your temper. This is when that third party can
divert and calm things down. Fear changes to anger
very quickly. Try to stay focused on talking to
your frightened Beloved’s inner child and just
ignore the obnoxious, angry, foot-stomping
façade that is hurling
accusations.
6. Stroke and be
patient. As you take turns freaking out, also
take turns steadying each other. Give reassurances
that you believe in them, love them, respect them
and want them so that they can get control of their
runaway emotions. Only then can you get back to
talking about the subject that you want to discuss.
This is where most couples give up and never allow
their partner to work through their terrifying
anxiety about making a change. Their idea of change
may include a fear that the relationship might get
worse, rather than better. This stubbornness may be
misdirected love for you, and although annoying, is
also sweet. Remember that it takes great courage to
make changes in what you care about the
most.
7. Let it rest.
After the hour of emotional bombing of each other,
reason and logic now have an opportunity to
surface. Watch for that brief moment when your
partner sees it from your side. When that happens,
both of you take a break and let the ideas cook and
rise like yeast bread. If you touch it too soon it
will collapse! Agree to a second time to talk more
and leave it alone, or you will have to start from
scratch all over again.
8. No cheating.
Couples can approach huge conflict and change by
allowing Change-Talk to run its bumpy course
without trying to skip or shorten the steps. Once
the ideas have been fully stated, listened to,
emotionally reacted to and then pondered on alone
and undisturbed, a satisfying resolution is just
around the bend.
9. Know your Matchline
Gap. The key is to understand that you and your
partner have different capacities to give and
receive in the relationship called the Matchline
Gap. When the Gap is large, people must work harder
to keep a relationship balanced. If you are more
capable in the relationship, then the
responsibility for establishing and maintaining
that balance is mostly up to you. Everyone deserves
love and happiness.
10. List your
relationships’ priorities. There are your
needs and your partner’s needs. Your
relationship, a third and separate entity, has
needs too! Both of you must nurture your
relationship. Even a great relationship will die if
ignored - just like a like a lovely flower. Ask
yourself if you are starving your relationship of
time, energy, resources and laughter. Give your
partner a chance to catch up to wherever you are
with Change-Talk and then commit to goals and
restructuring that will allow you, your partner and
your relationship to thrive.
Can Powerful Women Be
Righteous Women?
Importantly and correctly, our nation stands
up to defend less powerful people and this is to be
admired. However, public demeaning attacks of our
most powerful women are gaining strength and need
exposure. Jealousy and differing political postures
alone would not generate this level of irrational
and daily frenzied hatred directed at Laura Bush,
Nancy Pelosi, Condoleezza Rice and Hillary Clinton.
Have we slipped back to the fifties when little
ladies need to stay in their place?
I always try to look for the positive motive
when I observe negative behavior. What is there to
be gained by the insidious lean on Hillary, Nancy,
Rosie, Condoleezza, Barbara Boxer, and really, all
women, to be quiet? This wave of paranoia is not
from only media big mouths but from a strong
societal base.
In a study by Harvard Professor of Public Policy
David King, King found that Independents and
Democratic voters are more willing to cross party
lines. “Compared with the otherwise-identical
male Republican, the female candidate was imputed
to be far more trustworthy, far more likely to
share one’s own concerns, and far more likely
to garner one’s vote. The female candidate's
advantage in terms of likely support is ten percent
among Independent and Democratic voters. In
competitive elections, holding everything else
constant, a ten-point swing from Independents and
Democrats is something Republican Party leaders
should savor.”
However something stands in the way of
Republican women’s success at the polls.
King found “Republican respondents –
of both genders – judge their own female
candidates more harshly, however. Among
Republicans, the female candidate is thought to be
a weaker leader, while Independents and Democrats
hold the reverse view… Compared with the
otherwise-identical male Republican, strong
Republicans are significantly less likely to
support the female candidate. This is true of men
and women Republican voters, and it survives
multivariate tests controlling for age, income and
race.”
(http://ksghome.harvard.edu/~dking/bulletin.pdf)
Support for women politicians falls off sharply
with the Republican base. A common denominator of
the Republican base is a tendency toward the
religious right. Perhaps the attack of sexist
remarks has something to do with adhering to
religious instructions, now thousands of years old.
Written by men and reflecting attitudes of their
ancient societies, all major religious works
clearly define a woman’s place. In most cases,
religion requires the woman to be subservient to
her man.
Following the teachings of spirituality and
kindness raises men and women from base animal
behavior origins to a higher level and saves our
society from barbaric instincts. The words of years
passed are essential to study yet, these early
words must be analyzed in the context of the time
period that they were written. Scholars can take
the important lessons from great literary works and
learn from the sum of people’s experiences.
However, literal and blind following of
another’s words has the potential to repeat
the horrors of Jim Jones, suicide bombers or
Hitler.
Imagine if your doctor blindly followed the
medical books of three hundred years ago. Some of
the information is timeless and universal and some
of it could destroy you. As a psychotherapist, if I
followed the original psychological treatment plan,
the best I could offer your depression is to strap
you into a tub of water and perhaps, a useless
lobotomy. We must think as individuals in our
current times to avoid disastrous group-think that
requires one to disengage from personal truth and
reason. An absolute truth of yesterday is replaced
by a completely new absolute truth of today more
quickly than most people can adjust to the
change.
One constant is that the struggle of all humans
to be free of dominance by others has never been
successfully suppressed. Once there were emperors,
kings and royals who selected life and death for
the rest. Their law was self serving and required
armies of enforcers. As a democratic nation we
posture ourselves as giving equal power to every
vote. But our votes actually elect powerful
representatives who then make all the real
decisions for us. This archaic system was useful
when the population was illiterate but modern
Americans are kept strangely dependent. Democracy,
freedom and science continue to evolve, but must
religion also shift?
Now, we have women who have volunteered, been
elected to school board, worked their way up
politically while serving a billion cups of coffee
to others. The media shout these women down with
personal attacks aimed at hurting their little girl
feelings and making them go away. Is the motive not
political at all, but an urgent and even righteous
attempt to obediently follow narrowly defined roles
for women from religious books and religious
teachers of most faiths? Do some religious leaders
need to maintain the status quo of ancient
teachings for their corporations and big business
product sales to survive? Or can religions grow and
expand incorporating human history, the body of
science and new roles for men and women. Religion
need not fear loosening the rigidity of dogma
because religion has always and may always trump
science with the ultimate question, “What was
the origin of the first speck?” Even science
replies, “God.”
The shaming name calling endured by assertive
women who step away from religious definitions of
themselves reveals the obvious double standard held
for powerful, aggressive men who are complemented
for the very same traits. Many deeply religious
people find difficulty accepting new roles for men
and women that defy a lifetime of religious
practice. How can we question which words we make
as our law and then choose thoughtfully without
prejudice? Is there room in God’s eyes for a
non-subservient woman who seeks to right wrongs in
a lawful, sane manner? Will our most strict
religious leaders adjust their sermons to allow
women to be respected as leaders in worship, legal
or political arenas that were once reserved for
men?
Do we as women take action to save our children
from needless death from war, lack of health care
or skyrocketing drug costs? Do we care when an
African baby dies from hunger and thirst? Do we
watch our men, tired from work, pay taxes that are
squandered? Or do we sit passively and quietly with
our hands folded in our laps like we did in the
classroom, such good little girls? A beautiful
speech by First Lady Laura Bush addresses the
struggle of women in third world countries and her
commitment to help. (www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/03/20050308-5.html
 )
Will the religious right expand the role of
righteous women to include service to our country
in a full political press? Can men unshackle their
definition of women and still love them, even as
leaders? Are sexist slurs simply a reflection of
fearing God? Is there a place for the religious
right female outside the home?
The women who have made it to the top positions
in our society could not be where they are today if
they were easily intimidated or stopped by
negativity thrown at them. Have these women
bypassed the religious requirements by expanding
their definition of home to include our nation and
planet? How wonderful could Earth be if female
leaders cleaned up the mess?
Global Warnings
How often do you heed warnings? Who was listening
when experts suggested that Japanese/ American
relationships were so bad that an attack was
eminent? Who paid attention when experts said
Germany might regroup and strengthen for WW2? Were
you the first in line to get the polio shot? When
did you finally accept Nixon should resign? Did
General Shinseki and Powell seem absurd when they
warned over four years ago that America would need
several thousand soldiers to deal with ethnic
tensions, post-hostility control of geography and
to ensure that people have water and food or we
would fail to secure Iraq?
Have you paid off your
credit cards and cut them in half yet? How do you
react to more personal warnings? Do you argue that
the experts do not know what they are talking
about? Have you worn a condom every time you had
sex since the early eighties or do you bet your
life that your partner is faithful or that HIV
infection only happens to other people? Do you
order an organic vegetable salad for lunch like
your doctor suggests or are you still eating only
cows and potatoes in search of a
cardiac?
Are you exercising every
other day for thirty minute hard enough that you
can hardly chat? Or do you take a short stroll with
the pooch and your paunch? Do you look for sympathy
because your organs are falling apart after decades
of mistreatment? Have you noticed fixing errors
later, rather than sooner, is really
expensive?
Do you heed expert Dr.
Blane Crandall, Board Certified in Obstetrics and
Gynecology, who informed the United States Senate
that menopausal women benefit from prescribed
bio-identical hormones because the danger of
illness and mortality is reduced? "Women on
hormones not only improve their bone health but
their whole body benefits... a woman's memory,
heart, colon, skin, sexual organs and bladder all
benefits from continued use of hormone replacement
therapy" (www.drblanecrandall.com). Or do you
believe what an article in the newspaper said about
horse urine hormones?
Does it make sense to take
care of your health today the way experts suggest
rather than pay for doctors and surgeries later?
Would these same principles hold true for Mama
Earth? Voices everywhere are shouting an insistent
warning about the whole Planet.
A report from the Pentagon
in 2004 urged that global warming be raised beyond
a scientific debate to a National security concern,
and warned us about rapid climate change, the
possibility of global famine and wars over
shrinking resources, like clean water. "In the
course of the century, water supplies stored in
glaciers and snow cover are projected to decline,
reducing water availability in regions supplied by
meltwater from major mountain ranges, where more
than one-sixth of the world population currently
lives." (IPCC, 2007). Imagine two billion thirsty
and desperate people! This outcry is not the same
as a shaming nudge to clean up your own trash and
recycle. No, this is a major hand wringing from all
areas of science, an urgent consensus from experts
around the world that we must act
immediately.
As the biggest of
polluters, America is receiving strong pressure to
change from around the world. Do you listen, really
listen, to experts and not to people with political
agendas or advertising and media connections?
American citizens do take a while to process and
form an opinion. We are busy doing many important
things like soccer, business meetings and fund
raising. Our government moves at a snails pace, and
our heartland moves even more slowly. Yet, the buzz
about global warming is heating up. Just what is
all the noise about? Our atmosphere is holding on
to too much CO2, a waste product that comes from
our dirty little habits like coal and oil burning.
About 75% of the annual increase in atmospheric
carbon dioxide is due to the burning of fossil
fuels.
The remaining 25% happens
when forests are converted to range lands, range
lands to agriculture, and agriculture to urban
areas, which have the effect of reducing the net
uptake of carbon dioxide
(http://globalwarming.sdsu.edu/). Temperature is
projected to increase by 1.4 to 5.8 °C this
century which is a much more rapid rate of warming
than during the 20th century. Heat holding CO2 is
bad news but the really uncomfortable part is that
severe consequences are happening faster than
expected. Factual evidence before our eyes like
drowning polar bears and penguins may break our
hearts, but still not make us change our light
bulbs. In its most recent (2007) report, the
Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change estimated
that surface temperatures could rise up to 10.4
degrees F over this century, and sea levels could
rise nearly six meters. Since scientists under
reported or missed the current effects in previous
scientific papers, can we assume the actual facts
are much worse than reported.
If we list the annual
death causes to humans or species in a chart,
terrorism is way at the bottom and global warming
is way at the top. That is the strange disconnect.
The tunnel vision politicians spend our tax money
like a college girl with Daddy's credit card and
sweep more important issues under the rug for the
next generation to solve. If only the people who
voted for bad decisions were the only ones to
suffer, but never have so many lives been
controlled by so few individuals. When global
mistakes are made or problems ignored, we all
suffer and so will our grandchildren. Yet, we have
been warned. Complacent and egocentric, we will
eventually change light bulbs, buy fuel-efficient
vehicles and bury coal emissions.
The day will happen when
American law says that we must or incur punishment
with stiff fines, and probably not one day before
then. When the law requires you to replace old
refrigerators, furnaces, and boilers with efficient
ENERGY STAR models reducing energy consumption by
almost two-thirds, then you will. A "carbon tax" (a
tax which reflects the real cost of carbon
pollution cleanup) will force change because there
are expensive penalties to avoid. Governments can
reward every citizen who installs solar, wind,
along with other smart energy and clean world
action by giving substantial tax relief.
City governments can give
homeowners who plant a shade tree a hefty tax
break. The tasks sound easy enough. Is any of this
as bad as standing in line with your shoes off
every time you fly? Americans can adapt, we are
just so slow and lazy about it. However, a true
positive is that nearly every American is a law
abiding citizen. We follow the rule of law. Grumble
you may, but turn these recommendations of world
experts into American law. Then, withhold American
dollars to anyone or any country who does not
comply. Bingo, cooler Earth! Tell your
grandchildren that you accept personal adult
responsibility and that you will change your home
and office light bulbs this weekend. Tell them you
are listening to the experts. Protect your loved
ones and others from an unnecessary Katrina or
Tsunami, drought, species extinction or war?
Proactively ensure that the beachfront property you
promised to leave them remains right where it is
today-above the shore.
Post
Traumatic Stress: What to Watch
For!
Has someone that you love experienced a traumatic
event recently? Do you want to help them but you do
not know how to begin? Here are ten ways to deal
with post traumatic stress.
1. The Condition is
Real Acute post traumatic stress lasts about
one to three months. Chronic post traumatic stress
lasts more than three months and "delayed onset"
post traumatic stress arrives at least six months
after the event or stress. The sooner that a person
is de-briefed after a traumatic event the less
likely the person will have prolonged
post-traumatic stress. Make an appointment as soon
as possible with an experienced strong therapist
who can listen over and over to the details of the
event to help desensitize the trauma fears. If a
person is talking suicide take them seriously and
get them immediately to a hospital or psychiatrist
where they may receive observation or medication.
2. Kids Act Differently
A child responds differently to a trauma then
an adult. An adult who experiences intense fear,
horror or helplessness may become hysterical,
freeze, or act violent. A child may simple act
agitated and disorganized. Watch for sleep
disturbances, anger, difficulty concentrating,
jumpiness or acting too vigilant. A person may also
begin to act detached from people, places and
activities that were once pleasurable.
3. Indulge A child
may begin to act out the aspects of the trauma
repeatedly in play times. Images, thoughts and
recollections may occur in adults causing distress.
Leave a light on, soft music playing or let someone
sleep next to your bed if they are having trouble
sleeping at night. Avoid sleeping with the
television on because the vulnerable mind is
listening while they sleep to conflicts, violence
or hard selling that may make the person more
upset. This may be the time to indulge an adult or
child. Avoid putting more pressure on them or
attempting to toughen them up. Taking a child's
favorite blanket or toy away to help them grow up
is bad psychology anyway, and would be even worse
in a state of trauma.
4. Be on their Side
Flashbacks are frequently extremely disturbing
and can be triggered by any of the senses, smells,
sounds or visual stimulation that reminds the
person of the traumatic event. They may temporarily
lose their defenses and re-experience the horror of
the event. Be patient and try to calm the person by
reassuring them that they are safe now. Some combat
veterans struggle with flashbacks and post
traumatic stress for many years. If you feel
embarrassed in public when a nice event becomes a
meltdown, then you may be choosing the side of the
public and not your loved one. They are in the
fight of their life and need all the support you
can give. Save any criticism for something that can
be controlled, not for post traumatic stress.
5. Protect If your
child develops an intense fear of a place or
person, listen to them. Sexual abuse or the threat
of violence can happen in a minute. Maybe you
looked away and something happened to your child.
Even an older violent sibling or a grandparent with
dementia may act inappropriately. Your job is to
protect your child, even from family members. Have
your child use dolls to show you what happened to
them.
6. Just TV A rape
or murder on television is impossible for a child
to dismiss as only acting. Screen all violent
images that you can until your child is older,
including video games, songs and movies. Nightmares
and fears may be triggered by fiction as well as
fact.
7. Eat Well Post
traumatic stress can happen from many events,
including a car accident, a violent crime or a
natural disaster. But recurring thought of horrific
images can also be self inflicted trauma. The
healthy brain diet requires high quality protein
and Omegas found in fish and nut oils, fresh
vegetables and fruit to operate properly.
Sensitivity to wheat, milk, eggs or additives and
vitamin and mineral deficiencies can also make the
body and mind ill. Many kids eat waffles for
breakfast, mac and cheese for lunch and pizza for
dinner. Parents wonder why their children are
depressed, obsessed or paranoid with diets of
predominantly wheat, sugar and milk. Give the brain
and body the best possible organic food and see if
post traumatic fears as well as other problem
behavior disappear more easily.
8. Never Ever Tell
Are they keeping the trauma a secret? Terrible
things can happen to a child or an adult that
renders them silent, overwhelmed with guilt or
shame. Denial is a coping skill that allows
something horrific to be encapsulated and stored in
a blocked memory. The very thought of the event is
considered too dangerous to remember or even life
threatening. A trusted therapist can help to
unblock the memory. Remembering may be painful but
keeping bad memories inside is toxic to their life
and physical health.
9. Why Me? Painful
memories eventually fade. Some people are able to
cope more easily than others. Post traumatic stress
hits frail women, little children or the bravest
soldier without discrimination. It is a mental
computer glitch that will heal and is no reflection
of intelligence, maturity or courage. The brain has
override protection that kicks in to protect itself
regardless of a person's will. One must simply give
the brain an opportunity to reestablish normal
operating procedure. How long that takes is unique
to every individual.
10. You are Dismissed
The worst thing a loved one can do is try to
sweep the feelings under the rug. Comments
like,"Oh, don't be silly," or "That's all in your
imagination," do much harm to someone trying to
purge themselves of inner demons. Let the person
express themselves and hire a professional mental
health counselor to help the victim through the
worst of it. Soon, you will see the return of
lightness and joy in the heart of your loved one.
Imus Laugh or Not?
The elements of comedy usually require a surprise,
a wet paint bench, an embarrassing mistake or a
pratfall for the hero to transcend into the victim
and make us laugh. The victimization can run the
gamut from good clean fun to lightly-veiled
sadistic words meant to destroy the object of the
joke. Situational humor is one kind of joke,
slapstick is hysterical for some or can become
boring rather quickly and bathroom humor seems
often too gross. Yet, have you laughed at a Pollock
joke, an Irishman, an Italian and a Frenchman in a
bar joke, or a blond joke? If so, can you be quite
as outraged as you ought to be when someone says a
sexist, racist, or sexual orientation joke or
comment?
Do you hold the sense of
humor of a teacher, elected official or religious
leader at a different standard than your favorite
stand- up? Is the cowboy hat a costume of farce
when worn indoors? Thus, is Imus a comedian? If
Imus is a comedian, then people who choose to
listen to him expect to laugh. Did you consider
Imus a pillar of our society or was he simply
coarse entertainment not meant for polite company?
Was the national outrage because Imus was a
newscaster with some political clout and high
powered guests? Or was he a comedian who exposed
his white boy attitude.
Revamping the way a
society treats minorities and women is an important
task. Turning off voices of ugly misplaced
superiority is a good beginning. However, equally
distasteful and dangerous are programs that
masquerade as news, when they are clearly
misleading exaggeration entertainment. Perhaps
"news" could be a protected word only used by
fact-checked and balanced reporting without
opinion. If a lie is discovered those misstatements
could be heavily fined and disdainfully exposed
with matching flair and equal airtime. Perhaps
then, the public would not confuse our edgy
comedians with scholars and experts.
Artists are necessary to
expand the confines of a society even when their
art or humor goes too far or makes us
uncomfortable. Art and performance changes our
perceptions of ourselves and our world. When we
silence our artists, our society shrinks and
stifles all of us. Sometimes art goes too far and
tests a society. Sometimes art lifts the rug and
exposes dirty truth lurking beneath. No one wants
to associate themselves with the Imus remarks of
white male supremacy but was it really the first
time you had heard that kind of talk? The firing of
Imus is a symbol of a shift in our society, a leap
to higher ground, even if rooted in the
anticipatory fear of sponsors.
What then, exactly, has
been redefined? Hopefully, comedians still have
freedom to offend. Must mainstream networks make
every program appropriate for all viewers? Can we
laugh at ourselves but not at others? How can
someone tell if you are laughing along with them or
at them? If the offense is in the ear of the
victim, can the victim then rob another's right to
free speech? These questions will be debated as
awareness exposes millions of examples of slurs in
every corner of our world. People with poor
self-worth use insensitive and cruel words as a
misguided attempt to elevate themselves by putting
others down. Slurs demean the status of the speaker
more than the victim. Severe risks and consequences
occur whenever you wander over the mercurial line
of decency. One clue is when no one else is
laughing.
©2008, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. Shre your thoughts
with her at www.drmollybarrow.com/w2/index.php?page=contact
Molly is an authority on relationship and
psychological topics, a member of the American
Psychological Association and a licensed mental
health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared as an
expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in O Magazine,
Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com, Match.com,
Women's Health and Women's World. Take the new
relationship compatibility test, Match Lines
Systems for Successful Relationships for Singles,
Couples and Business at www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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