Tom Blake is an expert on dating after 50. He has
appeared twice on the "Today Show" and has written more than
500 columns on dating and relationships. His "Single Again"
column appears in The Orange County Register in
southern California, is read worldwide and is often featured
on msn.com. He is a
professional speaker. He spoke at the national AARP
convention in San Diego in 2002, and will speak at the AARP
convention in Chicago this September. His book, Middle
Aged and Dating Again, is a humorous account of his
first year of dating after his third divorce. His new book,
Finding
Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to
do, is hot off the press. To ask a question or receive
Tom's free weekly column on middle-age dating and
relationships by e-mail, click on www.findingloveafter50.com
2005, 2004, 2003 Abuse Whenever I pick on single men, as I have the last couple of weeks (the British bloke in Palm Springs, and “disappearing gents”), men emerge to present the male side of dating. “Sounds like in these women we have a lot of soap opera watchers,” said Charles in Southern California. “I guess we men are all a bunch of jerks or maybe it’s just women’s scorn. There are creeps of both sexes out there. “Most women live in a dream world and go into relationships with the idea that guys just want to take advantage of them. What a joke, we’re adults not children.” Bob said, “Within a few months after the end of my 41-year marriage, I became involved with a lady and thought I’d found the answer. She turned out to be a money grubber and nasty when she discovered I wasn’t overly laden with cash. Let it be known, the ‘departure demons’ are of both sexes.” From a “small town” in Alabama, PM Todd e-mailed, “Dating possibilities here are limited so I turned to a premier matching service. One match got all the way to the ‘open communication’ stage. “After she told me about her life, spiritual, children, etc., I did the same. Haven’t heard a word since. Internet matching isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m not going to bars to pick loser women either. Chance meetings are all that’s left.” Questioning women’s expectations, Pete, Central Texas, e-mailed: “Are these women being honest about what they’re looking for? If a woman says she’s just looking for fun, she shouldn’t be upset when a guy bolts when she starts talking about setting a date, ordering flowers and hiring a hall.” Jim blamed me for his lack of success: “You’re making a bigger problem for us guys who want to make a connection and settle down. The women reading your newsletter get the message that men are all jerks. Then, a sincere man like me comes along and the women have their defenses set to ‘red alert’ and reject someone who could make them happy the rest of their lives. “I keep trying to connect, only to be overlooked and passed by because I’m not all that ‘exciting’ and they don’t feel chemistry. I’m so frustrated.” Flash for Jim from Tom: My fault, eh? Stop blaming others. Get involved in life and make yourself more exciting. Eric, Provo, UT: ‘Blokes’ aren’t the only ones who vanish. I enjoy talking and communicating; many women are put off by that. When some women realize we’re not a great match, instead of saying so, they just cut off communication. People do rude things via e-mail that they’d never do in person.” Gary, Ardmore, PA: “In last week’s column, the word ‘trust’ jumped off the screen. My 30-year relationship (25 years married), ended in a heartbeat. How does a man dispense 30 years of trust? “Women need to give us a break. Sure the Alfie types have given guys a bad rap, but on your next encounter, put some ‘You can trust me’ on along with your lipstick.” Finally, from Palm Springs, Bob wrote, “A lady asked in the first five minutes of a date how many houses I owned, how many cars and what kind, if I traveled a lot and if I had stocks and bonds. I’ve lived in Riverside and Pasadena and being single and over 50 is getting worse.” So, in adult dating, it’s not just women who experience unsavory treatment, men feel it too. But wouldn’t it be nice if both sexes treated each other with more respect and courtesy? Yikes, what have single adults become? Comments: Sally, “Think I’ll read your newsletters for awhile before venturing out into the cruel world of dating.” Response: Trust your instincts, proceed cautiously but don’t just stay home. Terry Johnson, age 63, “By reading your newsletter, I find that I have similar situations as other singles.” Response: Most of us didn’t expect to be single at this age. It sort of snuck up on us. By sharing info, not only do we learn, but we feel better knowing we’re not the only ones going through these issues. Georgette, 58, “Your ‘After The Healing’
e-book is full of information; I shall proceed cautiously
with my relationship with a two-year widower. While there
are problems dating widowers, I find them less jaded than
divorced men and not so inclined to play games. Thanks for
the book and newsletter.” Response: Proceeding
cautiously when dating a widower is wise. They are wonderful
people, but often take a long time to heal. When people become single after years of marriage, often they aren’t prepared to date. They make all kinds of mistakes: dating the wrong types of people, trying too hard and being too vulnerable, gullible and naïve. Through these experiences, they learn and become wiser. They also learn from other singles willing to share their stories through columns like this. A Palm Springs woman recently had one of those learning experiences and shared it with us. In June, she met a widower from England on the Internet. He was interested in seeing her photo which she sent. He liked what he saw and sent his photo and bio to her. They e-mailed weekly for four months. She noticed he didn’t reveal much about himself. In September, he told her it was time for them to meet. She was surprised, taken aback at first, but impressed that he was willing to come from England to visit her. He said he wanted to talk, hold hands, sit across from her while dining and spend quality time together—basic get-to-know-you romantic stuff. When he arrived, she went out of her way to be hospitable, treating him to lunches out and dinners in, letting him lounge around her pool and chauffeuring him on short trips. He never offered to pay for a lunch, dinner or even a cup of coffee. The only thing he paid for was his airfare to California, and she wasn’t sure of that because he had saved airline miles. Sounds like an all-expenses-paid vacation to Palm Springs. Not bad for an English bloke who likely sees rain and drizzle and has to pay for his bangers and mash the rest of the year. He lied about his age. Imagine that? A single adult being untruthful. She said his photo was more than ten-years-old, which made him an old English bloke. To top off this intercontinental encounter, she said he wasn't a bit interested in her. He never asked about her (perhaps he figured he didn’t have to, he could see everything with his own eyes while floating on a rubber raft in her pool). And they never talked about what they were looking for in a relationship. He remained a mystery man, soaking up the rays and goodwill, with no plans that included her. Suddenly, he departed Palm Springs. She figured that maybe he had a schedule to keep—traveling across America mooching other women—a week here, a few days there, different meals, different pools, different homes, different beds. All free. Our Palm Springs friend says she learned that it’s important to reveal only limited personal information over the Internet. When you share too much, and then your rendezvous sours like hers did, all of the personal information given in confidence, hope, and trust, becomes an embarrassment. She also learned that she doesn’t have to be a surrogate arm of the Palm Springs Visitor’s Bureau; there are many delightful hotels and inns guests can pay for there. So all of you single women, look out your window. If there’s a British gent soaking his footsies in your swimming pool and you’re about to serve him lunch, add a heavy dose of Tabasco sauce to his sandwich—just after placing his suitcase outside the front door. Reader comments and responses: Charles, New Jersey: “One day in southern New Jersey at the shore, holding the hand of my spouse of 26 years, a sweet lass captured my eye and other parts of my 69-year-old body. This lady and I have become romantically involved to the point where my spouse and I admit our marriage serves no purpose except to cause each other pain. The lady aspiring for my affection is 43. Comments?” Response: Recently we wrote about “sweetheart scams” where considerably younger people involve older folks for the purpose of getting their assets. Why else would a woman 26 years your junior want to get involved? Besides you’re still married. I suggest you go to my website and order the “Dating the Age Gap. Older vs. Younger: Can It Work?” electronic book. You’re living in a dream world. P.S. If things are so bad with your wife, why were you holding hands? Karen, 62, widow for 8 years, Huntington Beach, Calif. “The greatest treasure of your website is knowing ‘it’s just not me’ dealing with older singles issues. You’re a breath of fresh air.” Response: Most older singles aren't prepared to date
after years of marriage. If we can learn enough ahead of
time to avoid most of the dating landmines, we’ll be
protecting our hearts and our wallets. When singles get discouraged about meeting someone, they should never give up. Today we hear about people who found mates in places where they least expected it. After Charlotte, Laguna Niguel, Calif., wrote that she is dating her daughter-in-law’s father, other readers shared stories of how they’ve gotten together with new mates under unusual and unexpected circumstances. Dorothy Craft, Long Island, NY, said, “I’m a 64-year-old widow of four years. I haven’t actively looked for another mate as I felt I wasn’t ready. I forwarded what I thought was a patriotic e-mail to several friends. One of the friends in turn forwarded the e-mail to a man who debunks hoax e-mails as a hobby. He wrote to advise me that my original e-mail was a hoax. “I wrote him wanting to know how he came in possession of the original e-mail I sent. He explained and then teased me about my name and the story of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. Our online courtship began from that exchange. “We live three thousand miles apart, he in California and I in New York. Hopefully, we will become not only a match made in heaven but on the Internet as well.” Now Dorothy has a long-distance relationship. She didn’t mention who would be willing to move if the situation progresses. Kay, divorced after 34 years of marriage, of Fairbanks, Alaska, e-mailed, “I married my step-brother.” I know they do things a bit differently in Alaska but Kay's comments got my attention. She explained: “Living in Alaska presents logistic problems, everything is so far away. Most of the available men lived in Anchorage, which might as well have been on another planet.. “After the death of my father, my mother remarried. Her new husband’s oldest son was available and we fell in love. I’m 55 and he’s 59. So, that’s how I married my step-brother.” A month ago, this column featured Bob and Linda Bieulieu who both used the Internet to look for a suitable mate. They searched far and wide before finding each other in the same city. For several years, they had lived less than a mile apart, but hadn’t met. The Internet brought them together and now they’re married. Four years ago, John Stratton was hit and seriously injured by a speeding car in an intersection in Niles, Michigan. Each year, on the anniversary of that accident, he takes a lawn chair to the site and holds up a sign that reads “Slow Down.” This year, a woman came out of her nearby house to ask him why he was there. Yup, you guessed it, they are now a couple. Mera Kelly, La Jolla, Calif., a Gerontologist and “authentic happiness coach,” shared where she’s met men. “The best dancer I met in line at the Post Office. Another in the veggie section at Von’s. I asked one guy on the dance floor who looked interesting to try a ‘slow’ number (who knows if he rumbas or not?). Another at the bank in line and a man while shopping for my son at an exclusive men’s store. What do these singles have in common? They were all willing to venture out, either in person or via the Internet, and be active. Older singles should stay alert for opportunities, and when they come along, keep an open mind and follow through on what fate sends their way. Reader comments: Lois, “I moved to Tucson from St. Louis two months ago. Where are those eligible men over 50? I’m signing up for your 2005 newsletter because I need to keep in touch with what’s going on in the singles world and to help me beat the bushes to find the men.” Betty R., Detroit: “I’m in my 70s. I work part time. Attend exercise classes, including Tai Chi. Enrolled in a small appliance repair class at the local community college. Joined a chorus, am secretary of my local AARP chapter. Ran for and was elected as a precinct delegate in my community. Regular church attendee, don’t smoke. Have an occasional drink. Right now, I’d settle for a male pen pal. Bev Morgan: “I have a seniors-only free
meeting/dating website for seniors. www.seniorcrush.com A Long-Distance Relationship That
Worked To be successful, long-distance relationships must overcome many challenges. The biggest: one of the two people involved has to be willing to uproot his or her life to move. And there's always the risk that it won't work out. I admire people who have the fortitude to give it a go and make it a success. JoAnne Ritz had lived in New Jersey for 33 years. Divorced for 12 years, she put her two sons through college and kept busy working three jobs. Her ex-husband had passed away five years after the divorce. On June 28 of last year, JoAnne was visiting a friend and coworker, who had just returned home after a hospital stay. While at her friend's house, JoAnne met her friend's brother-in-law, Charlie Barlow--of Placentia (Calif)-a recent widower, who was staying at the house on vacation. Three days later, JoAnne returned to her friend's house to attend a family BBQ. She tried to make conversation with Charlie, but found him to be rather quiet. At the end of the evening, JoAnne said, "Nice to meet you, Charlie Barlow," shaking his hand. Charlie returned to California. He and JoAnne e-mail almost daily for five months. In November, JoAnne came to visit her son, who had moved to San Diego. On her sixth night here, Charlie took JoAnne to visit his youngest daughter and his new granddaughter. "It was November 14," JoAnne said, "and there was a full moon, he put his arms around me and asked me to marry him. After getting up off the floor, I answered 'yes' quickly, before he changed his mind. "And then he said you know you're marrying a family of 11! Three daughters, three son-in-laws and five grandchildren." "Since I couldn't stay, Charlie gave me a beautiful diamond engagement ring as a promise," said JoAnne. She said because Charlie couldn't move to New Jersey, she knew she was the one who had to move. "I knew a long-distance romance wouldn't work and was WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE. "I gave up my job, sold my house, kissed my friends good-bye (they were so happy for me), sold my car because it probably wouldn't meet California emissions standards, called a mover and tried to figure out what was such a treasure that I could not part with." JoAnne moved to Placentia (Calif) in December, and now works for a prominent ophthalmologist in Orange. She and Charlie plan to marry this year. "This has been a growth process for us. Yes, we had rose-colored glasses on, but it's been wonderful. We've had many interesting experiences. We usually walk at 5 a.m., holding hands and discussing important issues. Once a month we celebrate our good luck in finding one another. On Saturdays, we bike the Santa Ana River Canal and are now up to 33 miles," said JoAnne. Her message to singles: "There is always HOPE and I believe fate played a part in this relationship." We never know where or when opportunity will knock. And if our determination is strong enough, not even living 3000 miles apart will get in our way. Good luck JoAnne and Charlie Barlow. Reader Comments Michele McIntyre, Dana Point, Calif., "I recently broke up with my partner. You know it's time to say good-bye when you've lost contact with friends as they don't like your mate, your family doesn't want him around and Bingo the dog wants to bite him!" Response: Those are true red flags. Toni Drier, Racine, Wisc., "I have been both widowed and
divorced. This a new time in my life and I want to approach
it with an attitude of replenishing my sense of self,
developing a better awareness of others around me and
refreshing my joy for living once again."Response: You've
got your ducks in order. Does marrying an old flame or an old friend guarantee happiness? Monica Jones sent an e-mail from Florida describing two widowed people in their 80s who married after knowing each other for over 65 years. In Monica's story, the widower called old friends to let them know of his wife's passing. One friend was a widow of five years. She and her husband had been close friends of the widower and his wife. The four of them had lived together when they were between jobs and school. The widower visited the widow, who lived by car seven hours away. Within months, he put his house on the market and moved in with her. They added an addition to her home, including a second master bedroom, to accommodate his belongings and privacy. They married and traveled internationally together. But the man started having heart problems and now three years later, Monica says, "She (the widow) appears to be wondering what she got herself into and is going to Spain this summer with one of her granddaughters and he is going to Italy with his son. Things are no longer paradise for this over-80 couple." Suzy Olson, Mission Viejo, California, warned about getting in touch with old sweethearts. "I did and got badly burned. I kept thinking of him as he WAS, never saw what he IS today. "I was financially depleted after my 'love' seemed to need everything-clothes, furniture, insurance-and so on. I was so in love with the memory, I didn't see the real thing. Don't let yesteryear fog your vision." Judy King, La Mirada, was engaged to a Navy man in Long Beach when she was 17, but didn't marry him. Forty-one years later, she was working on her family's genealogy and was curious about him. "Found him on the internet in Louisiana," e-mailed Judy. Her Cajun Navy man moved to California to be with her. Last August, they married on board the Newport Princess in Newport Beach. "Love is better the second time around," added Judy. The person who moves seems to sacrifice more. Judy said he misses the fishing in Louisiana and getting his legal affairs in order in California has been "a nightmare." Gary Sully of Orange, California, went to his 25th high school reunion and met his old girlfriend there. He kissed her in the same room of the same house where he had kissed her 25 years before. They are now happily married. Hooking up with an old flame can work but as Suzy Olsen says, "Don't let yesteryear fog your vision." And, I might add, don't let loneliness cloud your decision making. A short-term fix might turn into a long-term disaster. As in most relationships, after the romance and passion wears off a bit, the true challenges of making a relationship work must be faced. When inevitable bumps in the road come along, particularly with older people with health issues, just because you've known somebody for 60 years doesn't mean he or she will respond the way you hoped or thought he would. As Suzy suggested, view the person for what he or she is
in the present, which might not be how he was 60 years
ago. I wish this column could always be about perfume, roses and things that smell good. But that’s not practical or reflective of dating after 50. Sometimes readers ask questions about gnarly subjects and it’s our duty to address them. You might say, everything gets scrubbed clean in this column. Mildew resulting from the hurricanes in Florida and the rains in Oregon may be responsible for today’s topic. Let me explain. Monica Jones is happily married and raising a family in the Panhandle of Florida. With the recent hurricanes, Florida is dealing with mildew in more ways than one. Monica e-mailed, “Have you ever done an article on body or house odors being a turn-off in a new relationship? Like if a person or their house smells bad and that person doesn’t care?” I told Monica that it’s not a topic I write about often. But apparently the problem is more prevalent than I thought as I’ve recently heard from other singles on the subject Monica explained: “A co-worker told me he is seeing a gal who has a musty odor to her body, clothing and house. He is considering ending the relationship because he can’t get past the smell. “I’ve been to places where cigarette odors, moth balls or pet orders drive me nuts; I wouldn’t be able to date a man if his house smelled like that. My friend has mentioned this to her but she doesn’t care. I think he should lay it on the line with her before ending the relationship. If she’s willing to clean up her act, maybe they would have a future.” Jill, 56, lives in Oregon. After a 35-year marriage ended in divorce, she contacted an old flame, a guy she’d dated prior to her marriage—more than three decades before. When they met for a date, Jill thought, “This is really awful of me, but this man smells musty.” I wonder if there’s a correlation between Oregon—where it rains often and clothes and houses don’t dry out—and Florida, where they’ve had the hurricanes. There’s mold in both states. Jill says there’s no correlation: “Older men smell musty in Oregon because they don’t have a wife to wash their clothes.” So that’s the reason—MMWS—moldy-missing-wife syndrome? My advice to Monica’s friend and to Jill: Hang in there. Invite your nice but odorous friends to your respective homes for dinner. Enjoy a bottle of merlot in front of the fireplace, so their clothes will dry. Leave extra deodorant in the bathroom and various key locations around the house. Ask your friends what movie they’d like you to rent. If either says “I love Clint Eastwood, will you rent ‘Play Musty For Me,’” you’d be better off seeking a relationship in Arizona or Nevada. It’s dryer in those states; at least you’d be able to get past the smell. Reader comment: Julia Crouch, Bellingham, WA,
“I appreciate your column, especially it’s breezy,
uncomplicated tone and clear-eyed advice.” Response:
Breezy, uncomplicated and clear-eyed? Sounds like how we
were before we grew up and messed up our lives in
adulthood. Should
“married-but-separated” people date? In last week’s column, we quoted Cindy, a 59-year-old married-but-separated executive from New York City who said meeting men was difficult. I suggested men might be avoiding her because she's married. Should married-but-separated people date? Many people say no Most who responded said “no” to dating someone married. Pat Duncan, Little Rock, Ark., wrote, “Start dating only when the divorce papers are signed. Until then, you’re still married, like it or not.” Suni e-mailed from Florida: “I never date men who are separated. It’s asking for trouble. Some attorneys have used that as an adultery issue. Plus, the spouse may not be used to the idea of a former mate dating, and sometimes that’s a nightmare in the waiting.” Ed Hebert, San Francisco said, “I dated a woman who was getting a divorce. She was using me as a rebound to her spouse, proving to him that she could date also. She was harboring deep feelings for him and not ready. In the bar business, they used to call it a one-night stand.” “Separated does not equal available; I refuse to connect with anyone who lists their status as separated,” e-mailed Rhonda NeSmith, 47, Atlanta, GA. “There is no such thing as being ‘separated’ unless you’re an egg,” shared, Patricia, from Pittsburgh, PA. “Men or women who try to act as if they’re single, but aren’t divorced, have no integrity.” Julie Britt, Houston, TX: “When I discovered my wonderful Internet date was separated, not ‘single’ as as he had posted, and was avoiding the pain of ending his marriage, and not available for a healthy relationship, I moved on.” Some singles, like Pat Sickler, Shickshinny, PA, shy away from dating separated people because of the experiences they’ve had. “I was burned badly by an old friend of many years who was in the process of getting a divorce. He went back to his wife.” Roseanne G of Tyler, Texas, met a guy who “was in the middle of a divorce that was to be ‘final in four weeks.' Things grew too close too fast considering his situation and my naïve acceptance that we had something worth holding on to. Two-plus years later he still wasn’t divorced. Haven’t seen him in a year and a half. He just called and said the divorce would be final Feb. 20. Laughing out loud.” Reader Val said people shouldn’t date until after the divorce because it’s not fair to drag whomever you meet through the emotional traumas and court battles. “Also, you are vulnerable emotionally and are likely to do something stupid you’ll regret like sleeping with someone because you’re lonely or don’t remember how to say no.” Are there exceptions? Might it be acceptable for a married person to date, depending on the circumstances? Carol Turenne, Oakdale, MN, thinks so: “Depends on where a person is in a relationship. If it’s completely over, why not start dating, not fireworks, but dating?” “I’m single and I’m not single,” a 60-year-old separated woman wrote. “My being ‘not’ single is pure technicality. A complicated financial issue precluded putting my estranged husband’s and my signature on the divorce agreement.” Another woman in her 70s separated from her husband six years ago because he was having an ongoing affair, and had been for years. Since then, he has developed advanced Alzheimer’s and is in an assisted-living facility. She said, “I have chosen not to divorce…financially it would be impossible to maintain his level of care after community property were divided. I would be fine but he would not and I cannot leave my daughters with the sole responsibility for their father.” She’s been dating a widower for two years. Neither is interested in re-marrying; he is aware of her situation. “Both of us realize we must enjoy each and every day we are given.” Is she wrong? She could divorce him and cut off his health care. Or, stay married to protect him and yet get out and enjoy what years she has remaining. I think she is a remarkable woman for the decision she’s made. Personally, I dated before my divorce was final. My wife cleaned out the house on Xmas Eve and left. Was I going to sit around and wait for the divorce papers out of respect for her? No way, I needed to jump start my life and did. Some still-married people have every right to date. They could become great mates. The problem is: How do you distinguish between who is lying and who has a legitimate reason? The Internet is rife with married men dating (and cheating). If you decide to date someone married, proceed with caution and protect yourself. How do you know if someone is married? Barbara Sloan, Wallingford, CT: “I ask for their home phone number and call them there, rather than giving out my phone number. This allows me to make sure I can block my number until I’m sure I can trust a man. It’s a red flag if he won’t give out his number.” Excuses singles hear from married people Faylee, Kingsport, TN, wrote, “I’ve heard, ‘I can’t get a divorce until my mom dies, it would kill her to have a divorce in the family,’ and ‘My kids wouldn’t talk to me if I divorced their mom, ’only to find out the kids are in their late 20s and already divorced themselves.” Are you available? In the movie “Forget Paris,” when Billy Crystal found out the woman he had fallen in love with was married, he told her, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available.” Married folks wanting to date need to ask themselves: “Am I available?" Only they can determine that, and then they have to convince the new love they’ve just met that they’re a safe bet for the future. Depending on their situations, they might have a tough sales job on their hands. Reader Comment: Nancy, Marion, Ohio: “I received an Internet response from a fella in a neighboring state who wanted my measurements as he liked to ‘carpet wrestle!’ How risky is Internet dating for women?” Tom’s Response: Another one of those floor-burner
guys, attempting a new ploy to get the sex topic on the
agenda early. Handle them with two words. “Delete”
and “next.” Always trust your instincts. What Women are Doing to
Socialize Most unattached women admit meeting men is difficult. But many of them aren’t sitting around waiting for a man to show up at their door. They are facing life head on with enthusiasm and energy. Today, some of them share their stories. Jo Anne, Willowbrook, Illinois, wrote: “I’ve signed on to a couple of online dating search engines and surprisingly a couple of guys have expressed interest. We tend to think that now that we’re 56 (myself), there’s no one out there who is interested. That’s not true. I think this is one of the safest ways to meet potential partners and it certainly is much more affordable than some other ways.” Barbara, 53, San Juan Capistrano, CA said, “I’ve met a couple of nice gentlemen through an online site. The Internet is useful as I’m able to get a good feel for the person via emails and phone calls before meeting him. I will hang in as I know the right man is out there.” Anita, mid-50s, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, e-mailed, “I was divorced five years ago, after 31 years of marriage. I lost 85 pounds, changed my hair color and moved to this suburb of Tulsa. “Updated my profile on Yahoo! Personals. Within two days, I heard from Bill, who lives here. We discovered we were born on the same day, the same year. He’s ten hours older than I. We also found out that as kids, we had gone to see Santa Claus at the same time, at the same store. “We’ve been together since and want to be together for a long time. People should just keep looking.” I teased Anita about dating older men. Faylee lives in Northeast Tennessee. She asked if there were any male readers in her neck of the woods, age 49 to 58, who would like to meet a sharp woman. Faylee helps run a singles group in Tennessee. I told her I’d ask so guys you can e-mail me and I’ll forward them to Faylee. “If you force yourself to get out of the house several times per week, you’re bound to meet people, no matter where you go or what you do. Joining groups is an excellent way to meet people. And Internet dating services are a good supplement. All three methods, used together, ought to produce a lot of new friends in a short while,” said Jennifer Marks, Orange, CA. Jennifer makes a valid point. To help find new people, singles need a marketing plan that incorporates different ways to find them, including the Internet. Lois Brady, 56, St. Louis, Mo., wrote, “I’m finishing writing a book, and I’m moving to Tucson to do it. I don’t know anyone there but am excited to start exploring a new city and getting to know some folks there.” Any Arizona guys out there? Bev, Pine Bush, NY: “Your columns have given me, well, the more appropriate way to say it is, kicked me in the you know what.” Bev explained: “I lost my best friend and lover a little over two years ago. We were together nine years. He made me promise if anything ever happened to him, I wouldn’t remain alone, neverdreaming I would be faced with honoring his request. “I’m accepting offers from friends for fun things to do, and I will send at least one wink a week just to start moving again.” Note from Tom: A wink is an electronic version of the flirt, an e-mail query, usually via an Internet matching site that reaches out to someone to establish a dialogue. And from New York City, Cindy checked in: “I’m a 59-year-old woman, average looking, separated, financially successful and a vice president in a large financial institution. The fireworks have not happened but I get inspiration from your newsletter.” My response to Cindy: Perhaps still being married is a roadblock to your dating. People who are still married and trying to date has been a hot topic lately. I may do a column on it if any of you care to share your opinions or experiences. Many people, like perhaps Cindy here, are just waiting for the final papers to be signed and are in effect, single. Is it okay for them to date? So there you have it, what some women are doing about
being single and hoping/wanting a relationship. I’ll
bet most of us never thought we’d be in this situation
later in life. Thanks to the Internet, people from across America read this column online. Nearly 100 singles responded to last week’s topic, “Don’t Throw Away Tomorrow,” which featured stories of how older singles had met mates. Some responses described finding new love. Others came from women who said they were lonely and asked what they could do to meet quality men. Donna, Irvine, Ca., said: “Your column hit home. I have vowed, after my son’s wedding next week, to get off my couch and try to put some balance in my life. I won’t give up hope!” I told Donna to keep an eye out at her son’s wedding—wouldn’t it be great if she met someone there? Nancy Lee, Wayne, MI (Detroit suburb), a nurse at the University of Michigan, wrote, “I had been divorced 24 years and hadn’t dated in nine years. My new boyfriend and I are 37 miles away from each other. I wouldn’t have met him if I hadn’t answered his ad on Yahoo! Personals.” Tink Nathan, 63, lived in Virginia in 2002 when he traveled to Louisiana to work on a book. Also through Yahoo! Personals, he found Dot Grantham, 66, who lived in Louisiana, and is the current senior women's archery champion in Louisana. After they met in 2002, Dot e-mailed me, described him as very opinionated and asked what she should do. From the details she gave, I said she should run the other way. When Tink and Dot read last week’s column, they had a big laugh and decided to send an update. They now live together in Covington, LA, about an hour from New Orleans. Tink wrote, “She gives me the loyalty and attention most men only dream about having.” Again, if not for the Internet, they wouldn’t have met. And their relationship proves that I don’t always know what I’m talking about. Stephen Paliska, Santa Ana, CA,said he met his wife when they were both working in the oil business in Kern County California. That sounded official and business like. Then Stephen fessed up: “Actually, I met her in a Bakersfield bar where she was to meet someone else, but was stood up.” You never know where or when you’re going to meet somebody—could even be on a bar stool while you are minding your own business having a cool one. Judy, Albany, NY, wrote: “I’m 52, married 31 years. A year ago my husband pulled the rug out from under me. He was seeing another woman, who, along with her husband, were friends of ours. I’m beginning to feel alive again and ready to go on with my life as soon as my divorce is final.” I wrote Judy and told her not to wait until the divorce is final. Get out there NOW, start meeting people and making friends. Getting back into the dating arena takes a little rev-up time. This week I’m interviewing another couple who lived in the same city (population 30,000) for four years but never met and feel because they traveled in different circles they never would have met. But via the Internet, they connected and got married three years later. Both are in their 50s. Often, readers respond with sage advice worthy of sharing. A single woman--Dawn LaCroix, Omro, WI--wrote: “Nice to see so many hopeful people still looking for that special someone. I feel we all need to first learn to stand on our own feet and paddle our own canoe. If we rely on others to make us happy, we will never be content. I’m blessed in many ways and am never really alone. Having a special person in my life again would be a bonus.” And that is why, Dawn, we should never give up. And the Internet, with all of its potholes and strange characters looming about, is still one of the more effective ways to reach out and find someone. Reader comments: Last week, we featured this e-mail from Roger, Vestal, NY: "I haven't dated in 43 years, had a good marriage, was unexpectedly widowed. I'm 67, a retired policeman. Your electronic book, "After the Healing: A Guide Book for Widowers and Widows" (www.findingloveafter50.com) is great and so true. I've met women who scare the hell out of me, still don't think I'm ready to date." Well, Nancy from York, PA wrote and wants to meet Roger, they are about 200 miles apart. We'll see what happens. Mary Colvert, Birmingham, AL, "What would you suggest in
Alabama to help along the situation to find someone?"
Response: Persue as many activities as you can and try the
Internet for people in your part of the country. Last Sunday, I was putting the finishing touches on this column. As I walked through the living room of the house, the television was on. I heard Dr. Robert Schuller (Sr.) (Hour of Power) mention a book he has just completed, titled, “Don’t Throw Away Tomorrow.” (Due to be published early in 2005). How appropriate I thought, that’s the message of the column: singles shouldn’t give up hope. Four singles share their reasons why. Robin, Buena Park, Ca., has been a loyal reader of my column for years. And as with many of you, we've developed a friendship even though we've never met. During the years Robin and I have exchanged e-mails, she’s mentioned many dates. The woman lets no moss grow under her feet. At times, she’s shared with me whether she’d ever have a worthy relationship. This week Robin wrote, “I’ve re-discovered someone I’ve known through my single’s club. We have much in common. He’s a dear man, sweet soul, generous and respectful. Being a retired Marine says a lot about how he treats me.” So, there's fresh excitement in Robin's life. Five months ago, Kathleen, Las Vegas, a widow and full-time nurse, e-mailed that meeting quality men in Las Vegas was difficult (as it is everywhere). She was considering moving back to Florida. “Being by yourself sure is lonely as hell, no one seems to be looking for a nice girl, who is strong, independent, financially and emotionally secure," Kathleen wrote. But Kathleen didn’t give up. She sent me an update this week. “I’ve dated at least 30 men over the last two years. I have met someone new and feel like I’ve hit the mother lode so to speak. We are going slow, letting this wonderful relationship grow and flourish. We are both 60 and having the time of our lives.” Nine months ago, Jerry Benyo, 67, Tampa, FL., a retired ship captain and widower of ten months, e-mailed, saying how hard it was to move on. Last week, he wrote that he had met a widow his age at a wine tasting. They share similar interests and confide in each other over the emptiness each feels. I can tell from Jerry’s e-mail there’s a new bounce in his step. Nancy Jones, 48, never married, is another long-time reader of this column. Years and years ago, after a 10-year relationship with her high school boyfriend ended, she was depressed. But she asked herself, “Are you going to live your life waiting for fate to drop off Prince Charming and be miserable why you wait? Or, are you going to do everything you can with what you have and make a life instead of waiting for one?” That's a matureattitude for a young person. Nancy says, “I experienced the ‘dating war’ for 22 years. My sweetheart came along four years ago. I’m writing to give encouragement to singles: it’s OK to be single. When women and men can emotionally stand on their own two feet, sometimes out of nowhere comes a mate who takes their hand and stands with them. “Do the best you can. Appreciate and live life to the fullest. Never give up hope because you don’t know who or what lies just around the corner,” said Nancy. Or, in Dr Schuller’s words, “Don’t throw away tomorrow.” Reader comment: Patty, Laguna Niguel, CA: “I would consider it a
positive statement from a man or a woman that their ex or
deceased was a great spouse. Of course, it would be a red
flag if they continually did so.” Watch Your Manners When
E-mailing When you e-mail a stranger, do you put your best foot forward or are you rude and don’t realize it? Could your e-mails be offending people and costing you dates? I get a lot of e-mails from readers, usually 300 to 400 per week, depending on the subject matter of my columns. It’s obvious that some people are unaware that attitude, ego and personality show through in the e-mails they send. Common courtesy and etiquette are ignored with cut- to-the-chase and go-right-for-the-jugular types of messages. Makes me wonder if this is the way they come on when meeting potential dates. In an e-mailed response to my column about Costa Rica, one woman’s opening sentence was that the trip sounded very boring. She said instead of snorkeling with my mate, I should have gone deep-sea fishing. And then she listed the activities she would have done to improve the trip. She suggested I go on a more romantic trip next time and DEMANDED I write her about it. Seldom do I let myself get dragged into an argument with a reader, but I wrote back and said she was rude. She apologized, saying she didn’t realize she’d been so. Turns out she is a nice person after all, but her initial approach would turn a man off. Another reader responded to a different column by beginning his e-mail saying he was taking time out of his busy schedule to write, as if he was doing me a big favor. He explained he COULD write a book about what he’s learned from dating. He bashed women hard, saying that 80 percent of the women age 49-plus have lost interest in men and sex, while revealing what great shape he is in and how wonderful he is. He ended his e-mail repeating that he COULD write a book (but hasn’t--too busy I guess). This guy has no clue that his immense ego came through loud and clear in his e-mail. And he wonders why he's having trouble meeting women? Another guy who wouldn’t provide his name or city opened his e-mail by accusing me of being brainwashed by older women because I suggested that men would be better off dating women close to their age. He then listed his five “great” reasons for dating younger women, while comparing older women to pre-owned trucks with high mileage. Chauvinism showed through in his e-mail. He doesn't care, he can hide behind the e-mail shield. Another time, I featured a man in a column who was single and available, based on information he’d given me. He hoped women would respond to the column and ask to meet him. And many did. But women who knew him also responded, saying that he was married and of questionable character. Despite having been dishonest with me, he was rude and demanded that I give him their e-mail addresses anyway. Nobody I know does well to demands, particularly newspaper writers who protect their sources. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of people who are tactless, rude and speak or write before they think. Their first words are negative and harsh. As a columnist, I’m supposed to have a thick skin, but when people begin their e-mails like a piranha they lose my attention quickly. And if that’s the way they come across when meeting singles they’d like to date, they’re going to lose out every time. Because the majority of singles age 50-plus are kind, considerate, thoughtful, educated and caring people. They don’t tolerate rude and ego-driven behavior. In the over-50 dating arena, poor etiquette doesn’t open doors. Even in e-mails, it’s wise to put your best foot forward. Reader comments and response: K. Peterson, Austin, TX., "A group of us from our office here have signed up for your newsletter." Response: "Holy Cow! Are you fixin' to tell us about the dating scene in Austin? Tom Rath, 59, Stanton, Ca., “I get tired of hearing from a woman what a great man her ex or deceased husband was.” Response: When a man or woman speaks repeatedly of an ex-spouse, it likely means that he or she hasn't healed enough to be dating again. Caroll Brouard, Paris, France: “I’m in a
long-distance relationship with a man in Florida I
don’t trust and my instinct has always told me he
isn’t right for me. What should I do?” Response:
You know the answer. 534 Realities of Dating After 50 I hear from an increasing number of singles age 50 and older who complain that they cannot find quality singles. The majority who write are women. But men complain also. Having written columns on dating after 50 for more than ten years, and having been on the Today Show twice as an expert on dating after 50 (Their definition, not mine), here are a few of the realities of dating after 50 I have witnessed.
Those are a few of the realities I have found. But despite the odds, older singles do meet. It can and does happen. Singles need to be realistic and keep their expectations in check. Staying active and positive are the most important things they can do. Reader Comment and response: Geraldine Toltschin, Newport Beach, Ca., says -Life goes
on without a significant other. My life has more than enough
intellectual stimulation, friendship and much laughter,
however, nothing beats having someone to share a beautiful
sunset with.- Response: Most singles feel as you do. Do not
stop hoping or living. Ocotal Beach, Costa Rica: A fishing boat makes its way out to sea. Four birds, yellow-breasted flycatchers, chirp and dart about in a Guanacaste tree in front of our bluff-top hotel room overlooking the Pacific Ocean (http://www.ocotalresort.com). An iguana cranes his neck on the grass a few feet away. It is 80 degrees and sunny. The ocean, 100 yards below, is calm. Another priceless morning on the northwestern coast of Costa Rica. Our setting is similar to an ocean-view room at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Laguna Niguel, Ca., only in a more tropical climate. My partner Greta and I have enjoyed being here for the last week, one of the most romantic places we have ever been. We flew to San Jose, the capital city of Costa Rica. Then, we rented a four-wheel drive mini-SUV and drove five hours to get here. Because most of the main roads in Costa Rica are two-lane, the speed limit is 48 mph, which is a blessing because there are so many potholes to avoid—even on the Interamericana Highway, which connects the countries of Central America. There is a palm tree directly in front of our room. Yesterday, it held seven green coconuts the size of softballs. Today, only three remain. A hotel employee whacked the branch holding the other four with a machete; the coconuts will be used in a coconut flan dessert and pina coladas at the bar. Each afternoon at around four, Greta and I sit on our red-tiled patio and enjoy the thunderstorms, which are often accompanied by brilliant lightning over the ocean, automatic at this time of year, aptly named the Green Season because of the rain. For me, the afternoon rains were the most romantic and relaxing time. We drove to many places in Guanacaste Province, and to Tamarindo, where American surfers flock. One would think that the road to that tourist Mecca would be well maintained, but speaking of potholes, wow. No wonder the cost of renting a car in this country is so expensive. For couples, a trip of eleven days demands give-and-take, flexibility and a willingness to try new things. One morning I suggested to Greta that we take the River Corobici float trip (www.safariscorobici.com). An hour and a half later, we stepped into a raft with a personal guide and enjoyed a two-hour float through a dry rain forest, seeing howler monkeys, birds, iguanas and native trees. After our guide Daniel eased the raft to within four feet of a sunbathing eight-foot crocodile, he asked if we wanted to swim. The Corobici is a gentle river, an easy trip for seniors and people afraid of the water. The people who sponsor the river trip have established a wild life santuary on their property called Las Pumas. They provide a safe haven for the big jungle cats and rare scarlett macaws, which would have perished on their own due to injury or abandonment. Las Pumas is a must -see whether one takes the float trip or not. When we were not off exploring, we would snorkel and relax on the beach. Ocotal Beach is a half-mile long and has small waves. Twenty fishing and dive boats are moored there. When we snorkel, Greta holds on to my swim trunks so we are side-by-side for safety and to point out the different fish. She says, to her, snorkeling together is the most romantic time. During our drive back to San Jose, a nation-wide protest by citizens closed the highways. A policeman on a motorcycle, noticing we had a four-wheel drive, told us to follow him. He virtually led us for ten miles through the jungle on a muddy, wet and dangerous ro In San Jose, we visited the Jade Museum, the greatest collection of jade in the world. We topped our trip off with a another boat trip, this one through the Tortuega National Park, on the Caribbean side of Costa Rica, where the giant sea turtles lay their eggs. Costa Rica is a beautiful country with beautiful, gentle people. If you plan to visit, e-mail me and I will be happy to answer any questions. Comment and response Mark Flannery, Fullerton, Calif said -Your column last
week was another example of my belief that certain
characteristics, integrity or the lack thereof, are not
gender-specific. For every article that suggests men are
cheating scoundrels, I see a similar one about women -
Response: It works both ways. “If I hear one more happily married person tell me that I ‘don’t need a man,’ I think I will barf,” e-mailed Carolyn age 52. Carolyn was responding to last week’s column about the difficultly older women have in meeting men. When she divorced three years ago, Carolyn knew there would be a shortage of men, which is what she found and it didn’t surprise her. But what has surprised her is the attitude of her married friends. She’s particularly upset with her married women friends who have been discouraging and uncooperative in helping her meet someone or even understand her need to meet someone. Carolyn says they question her desire to be with a man. “The comments range from ‘You don’t need a man to complete you’ to ‘I’m surprised you’re even concerned with meeting a man at this ‘stage of life,’” said Carolyn. She says the women making the comments are happily married and derive emotional and physical satisfaction from their marriages. Some have told her they couldn’t imagine being single again. “I’m supposed to suddenly lose all interest in enjoying the same benefits of a romantic partnership they enjoy every day and not give a hang about it?” Lack of Sex Life No Big Deal? Carolyn is surprised that “Many of these women seem to feel that the lack of a sex life for divorced or widowed people should be a ‘non-issue.’ They have equated women’s independence and self-sufficiency with a complete indifference toward wanting or needing a man in any way,” shared Carolyn. “I don’t understand how this translates to women thinking it’s some kind of a badge-of-honor to disregard the normal, healthy desires women and men were born with.” Carolyn told a widow co-worker she’d enjoy finding a romantic partner. “Her answer to me was that she had no interest in ‘all that’ because she’s an independent person who has adequate financial resources not to need to marry to be taken care of.” Carolyn was surprised at the widow’s words. Carolyn is independent and has enough money to survive on her own. But, those factors don’t affect her wanting and needing male companionship. “Being independent or having enough money to live well without a man would not even enter the equation. A woman’s independence and self sufficiency should enable her relationships with men to be more passionate and interesting.” She asks, “What happened to a woman just wanting to be with a man because she enjoys good male companionship in ALL forms and wants a man to enhance her life? Why does that diminish a woman in any way?” She wishes her friends would be more empathetic toward her and her being a single, age 50-ish woman. Carolyn’s not looking to remarry. “What’s much more important is finding a satisfying, fulfilling and happy relationship with a great guy!” Carolyn said, “If ever we (singles) needed our married friends—whom we’ve known for years—to support us, it’s now”. Message for married folks: Ease up on your single
friends In the last five days, I’ve received e-mails from three women expressing their frustrations about not being able to meet men. Maxine in Michigan is a widow, lives near Detroit. She says she hasn’t found an effective way to meet men. She attends church and senior citizen functions. In addition to her home, she owns a farm in northern Ohio, where she spends time. Because of living in two locations, she doesn’t join groups. “I’m sure I’m in the wrong circles for meeting men who are alone and want companionship.” Becky from Horse Country, works full time, owns a home with land, has horses, and a dog and a cat, all of which keep her busy. She has her profile on four dating sites and is upfront about having horses and loving to ride. She spends a great deal of time with horse-related activities. Becky’s met several men for coffee. “We meet one time and that’s it. Usually from lack of interest on my side or theirs.” Becky asked, “Am I being too anxious, too honest or pushing too hard? Is the mention of my horses too intimidating for some guys?” Val in southern California doesn’t meet many men through her job so she’s joined two Internet dating sites. “To my surprise, younger men—much younger, are the ones who write.” The problem is, says Val, that younger guys are mainly just looking for sex. “Men my age aren’t interested, unless they’re short (Val’s 5’7”), weird, unattractive or foreign—then my inbox is full.” Val says it takes the wind out of her sails to go through what she’s experiencing. “I’m just a normal person wanting a normal relationship, not willing to settle for beer- bellied or much older men.” What’s the Answer? I wish I had a magic wand and could introduce these three women to nice men. I feel their situations represent what older single women are going through across the USA and in other countries as well. It’s a big problem. But, let’s put a positive spin on the situation. First, there are men and women getting together later in life. I’ve written many columns recently about them. So, it can and does happen. Next, single women need to understand that statistics are the main reason they’re having trouble meeting men. At age 60, there are approximately three single women to each single man. At age 70, it’s around five-to-one. But these ratios are deceiving. Women point out, as Val did above, that many available men aren’t relationship material. So the ratios are even larger. Women need to get out of the house and get involved with activities that interest them. They need to commit to themselves to enjoy and enrich their lives with or without a man. If they’re out looking too hard, they’ll come off as desperate. The more people women are exposed to, the better their chances of meeting someone. However, if the activities women pursue are strictly women-type, they likely won’t meet men. The Internet can be a valuable tool to use to meet others. But, we all know there is a downside because of the flakes also using it. Don’t give up. Meeting a man can happen. What’s
your opinion? Are religious beliefs important in dating after 50? Must the person you’re seeing share your faith? I asked those questions to the readers of this newsletter and was overwhelmed by the quality and quantity of responses. More than 325 of you answered. One thing’s certain, people have strong opinions and more than half believe having common religious beliefs is important. Because so many of you took an interest, let me know if you’d like a Part Two of this series. Please don’t feel offended if I haven’t included you. You were all brilliant and I have copies of your e-mails for future reference. As Carmela Vuoso-Murphy, Boonton, NJ, pointed out, “These questions needs to be answered on an individual basis.” Carmela’s right, let’s hear what some of you said. For many, there’s no compromise: “ I could never seriously date anyone who didn’t acknowledge my faith,” said Suzy Olson, Mission Viejo, Ca. Eric Tracy, Provo, UT., wrote, “It’s very important that people be compatible religiously. Even when a couple match in every other way, religious differences can be a time bomb.” Rosanne Gueguen, Tyler, TX., shared, “I would only consider a permanent relationship with a man that attended regular Sunday services and preferably of my faith.” Wally Hollis, Highlands Ranch, Colo., e-mailed, “I’m an evangelical Christian and would not consider dating a women who isn’t.” And Diana Condon, Philadelphia, wrote, “My religion specifically commands that we be ‘evenly yoked.’ This and because it’s an important part of my life would preclude involvement with a man who didn’t feel similarly.” For others, religion less of a factor David Silver, Elberon, NJ., and his girlfriend have different religions. David said, “Religion isn’t a problem between me and Jan, but neither of us is much into formal religion.” Mary Martin, San Clemente, Ca., said, “If a man is basically good and caring, his religion or lack thereof, is not material.” Rose F. of Staten Island, NY, said, " Religion isn’t important to me in relationship. To someone else, they'd go to war over it." Kim Battern, St. Cloud, Minn: “It doesn’t matter if the man is Christian,Buddhist or Jewish.” Level of commitment matters Karen Piercy, Columbus, Ga: “I’m put off by people who are zealously attached to their religion. To love one another, that’s what it’s all about. Isn’t it?” From Winter Haven, Fl., Dean Stinson shared, “The only time religion would be a problem is if the other person tried to push their views on to me. I have my beliefs and I’m not going to change.” Carol Gavin, Washington, D.C., made her point clear, “There are people out there with beliefs that I wouldn’t want in my house, let alone my bed.” Debbie Rosansky, Pembroke, Pines, Fl., said she could respect any religious values, “…if they don’t try to convince others of their superiority or sole claim to righteousness.” Some feel different beliefs can work Mary Morales, Lake Forest, Ca., said, “I’ve had a long-time relationship with a man who is admittedly agnostic. We respect and accept each other’s views with an unspoken understanding that challenging the other in this area is out of bounds.” Jeanne Zang, Sewickley, Pa., e-mailed, “I’m open to most religious viewpoints and would have no problem dating someone from another religion. He’d have to accept that I’d never convert to his religion.” J.W. Nelson, Beaverton, Or., “I’m a Christian but respect all faiths. Faith shows commitment, respect and dedication to one’s self. Since, I don’t know what religion God is, I don’t feel it’s my place or right to judge others or their beliefs.” Spirituality is important Patricia Joseph, Pittsburgh, PA., “I’m particularly interested in men who believe in a higher power. Usually, if a man does NOT have that belief, he is inclined to think that HE is his own higher power.” From St. Louis, Mo., Lois Brady, wrote, “I prefer to date men who are open-minded and take a more spiritual stance rather than a religious one.” Esther Greco, San Jose, Ca., “As long as a person believes in God or has some belief that there is a ‘higher being’ looking out for us, that’s sufficient.” Claudette Kiely, Chicopee, Mass., “The real substance for consideration beyond a label of religion is the spirituality and heightened consciousness of the individuals involved.” That’s all we have room for this week. Thank you all
for your incredible insight, depth and comments. Part II
next week? Let me know. Most middle-age singles enter relationships hoping they'll be treated well and feel special. Things don't always work out that way. Cat shared her story, hoping it would help others who become involved in relationships that don't progress. A year ago, Cat e-mailed me that she had been dating a man for four years: "He lets me know that cares for me and considers me a good friend. I've let him know that I care very much for him and value our relationship. Neither of us sees anybody else. I'm 52; he's 55." So far, so good. Sounded like a grounded relationship. I asked Cat to keep me posted. She replied that she wanted the relationship to advance to the next level, to perhaps live together and then marry. After four years, not an unreasonable thought. Six months ago, Cat sent an e-mail update: "He explained that he will NEVER AGAIN have a serious 'love-type' relationship or live with another woman. His only marriage was devastating." I answered, "Cat, there must be more to his story." "He said his mother was inattentive and non-nurturing, that all women get on his nerves except me, he says I'm different. Am I naive to believe we had something?" I asked her why it took four years to find this out and suggested she take a leave of absence from him. I heard nothing more until recently when I e-mailed her for an update. "I followed your advice and broke up for three months. Then, he showed affection and caring--in his actions, but still not in his words. He still says he can never live with a woman. I love him and want a long-term relationship in which we live together. Am I dreaming?" So there Cat was, a year after she first wrote me, five years into a relationship stuck on Baltic Avenue, a long way from Go, in her Monoply game of seeking love. Was she naive? Was she dreaming? She wrote that she gave him yet another chance. "He asked if I wanted to tell him how I felt. I thought this was the moment of his revelation of love for me. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and said those three little words--'I love you.' And he said three little words back: 'I'm still here.' AAAAAGHG!" Cat says "That was the nail in the coffin. My big mistake was being too empathetic and overly accommodating. When one does that, they just want more and more till you're all used up. It's all about them." Cat is taking time to understand how she allowed herself to stay in the situation so long. A lesson from Cat's story: When people start getting involved, they need to know the expectations and goals of their mate. No wishy-washy stances. "What do you want and expect out of this relationship" is a question that must be asked. Cat consumed precious time that might have been applied to a healthy relationship that could have been flourishing by now. Note: I'm seeking input from readers on how important
religion and religous beliefs are in dating. How important
to you is the other persons religion? Plan to do a future
column. Do you think love has passed you by? That once you hit age 55, 60, or egad, 70, it won't happen to you? So, you've given up on romance altogether. Take a lesson from the Fleetwood Mac song, "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Meeting someone is possible. Peggy, age 74, a widow for two years, lives near Syracuse, NY. Tom, 73, a widow for a little over a year, also lives in New York, but about an hour away from Peggy. "We were both very lonely, a really large hole in our lives," said Tom. Without the Internet, they would have never met. Both checked out www.seniorfriendsfinder.com, a site that links to many different matching sites. "Neither of us realized when we first exchanged timid notes last August that it would fill the hole of loneliness and lead us to the wonderful love we have," said Tom. After several e-mails, a trust developed. Real names and phone numbers were exchanged. A September 4 lunch date was scheduled. "There wasn't a moment of silence-we talked, laughed and even cried-it was a wonderful first meeting. We talked for seven hours that day." Peggy and Tom continued e-mailing and telephoning and began seeing each other weekly. "We spent hours and hours having serious discussions on where our relationship was going and realized how deep our love had blossomed," said Tom. They had the time to devote to each other; both are retired. Each has six children and many grandchildren. They got to know each other's families. "We're older, our time is finite. We have 91 years of marriage between us-we've been around the block. Do we wait another four or five months to marry? Those months can be wonderful, quality time together, enjoying life." A week from tomorrow, Saturday, July 31, they will marry, followed by a honeymoon in Canada. For the time being, neither is moving, they will maintain both residences. "No rush to combine households," says Tom, "thus, we can maintain contact with our respective communities, churches, local friends, etc. Time to the north, time to the south, whatever floats our boat, being together in this wonderful new married and loving relationship." Peggy and Tom hope that by sharing their story other older people who are alone after losing their mates will be encouraged. Another key to their success: They are close in age. Tom wasn't seeking some teenage bimbo. He found true love with a person older than he. The Internet can be a useful tool in meeting a mate.
Which site is best? www.personals.yahoo.com
? You may need to try more than one. You should be able to locate someone close enough to you so that getting together in person isn't a major trip. And as always, when meeting strangers, be careful. Take a lesson from Peggy and Tom by proceeding slowly and cautiously. Get to know the person before a face-to-face meeting. Trust your instincts. Share with family and friends with whom you're meeting. Now, get out there and search. And let us know what
happens. This e-mail from a widow got my attention: "I've been a widow for 21 months, 3 days, and x-amount of hours. I'm about to turn 44. I tried dating one man, but I paid for all of the times we went out to eat and we did nothing else. There is not one damn thing that I've found fun about being a widow!" I e-mailed her back and asked why she paid all of the time. She wrote: "I paid out of loneliness. Is it normal for a widow, or any single female, to pay for so many occasions?" My answer was: "No, it's not normal or right for a single woman to pay most of the time. She should never have to pay more than half of the time, and even that's a stretch. The rule of thumb is, whoever does the asking for a date should pay. But the other can reciprocate by offering to pay for coffee or picking up the tab on the next date. " Then she e-mailed again to say the guy paid once. "One time we went out and he paid for dinner and then I got totally ticked off because he's self-employed and briefly saw a client at the restaurant. He came back to the table, picked up the receipt and said, 'This is a tax write-off for business.' Some friends said he was being a wise business person. I say he was being cheap." I told her he sounded cheap and not very smart. He shouldn't have said anything to her about the write-off; he should have just gracefully picked up the tab and said something like, "My treat. I enjoy your company." "What's your advice on going Dutch treat?" she asked. "I don't think it's fair for the men to shoulder all of the burden." I told her that I think it's important for couples who've been dating awhile to discuss the "Who pays?" issue. No longer should men have to foot the bill the majority of the time, as in the old days. And certainly not the women either. A middle ground is best. If a woman asks a man out, she should be prepared to pay for the date. But if the guy has any cool at all, he should offer to help pay for something--coffee, the tip, a movie, for example. However, if she wants to pay, and he grabs the bill from her, and won't let her pay, he could insult her. When a man or a woman pays all or most of the time, he or she will begin to resent it, no matter how comfortable or wealthy he or she is. I told the widow in this case to dump the guy and find
somebody who's more willing to play and pay fair. Perhaps
then she'll be able to find at least something fun about
being a young widow. Finding Lasting Love on a
Cruise One of the statements in last week's column about single travel was: "Will singles find lasting love when traveling? Chances are they won't." Most singles tell me they don't expect to find a lasting romance when they go on cruises. "Shipboard romances don't last," said June, "Don't have high hopes after docking." And Sally said, "I met a nice man on a trip who was an excellent dancer, and we danced the cruise away. I saw him a couple of months later, but it faded away." For Roni Mason, Dana Point, Ca., who went on a cruise out of New Orleans with a girlfriend, a shipboard romance turned out differently. Her story provides hope to traveling singles. At a party the first night, a man named Wayne offered to buy Roni a drink. She said, "No thanks, I can buy my own." "That's okay," Wayne responded, "they're free anyway." By the end of the party, Roni and Wayne were dancing every dance together. "He had gone on the cruise at the last moment because his brother and sister-in-law wanted him to keep his mom company so they could have a second honeymoon. It didn't work out that way; we spent most of the cruise together. He was a fantastic dancer." After the cruise, Roni and her girlfriend stayed in New Orleans. Wayne agreed to pick them up at their hotel and give them the grand tour. "In the week we'd spent on board together, I never told Wayne my last name." The hotel front desk couldn't help Wayne locate Roni and her friend. While the women waited in their room for Wayne to call, Wayne waited in the bar hoping they'd come down. Two other people from the cruise came into the bar who knew Roni's girlfriend's last name and the connection was finally made. Two weeks later, Wayne visited Roni in Dana Point. "We knew there was something special but we also realized that we had to see if we could live in each other's world. We were both in our 50s and our children were grown. We went back and forth for a year and a half," said Roni. Wayne and Roni survived the challenges long-distance relationships create. Where to live? New Orleans or Dana Point? "My husband decided he'd be the one to move to California. We've been married eight years and it keeps getting better," said Roni. The Masons live full time in Dana Point, but keep a condo in New Orleans and travel there four to five times a year to see Wayne's family. Love after 50 does happen, even when two people meet on a cruise ship. Remember, however-when you've danced with a man for a week, and you plan to see him again-to give him your last name. So go take that cruise and have fun. You just never know. Comments and responses: John Chiumento, Capistrano Beach, Ca., "I've been happily
married to my beautiful bride for 14 months. I'm 61 and feel
like the luckiest man alive. My wife and I enjoy your
column. We met at Delmar Racetrack and as my daughter-In-law
says, it was 'Love at first Bet.'" Response: Singles who get
out of the house and pursue activities where they meet new
people often find love. Tips For Singles Who Travel - Part
I When singles take trips, they need to plan, be travel savvy and make many decisions. One of the first decisions is whether to go alone or with a group. reader Jane Hamel says, "I'm more open to meeting others when I travel solo." People traveling alone pay almost double compared to when sharing a room. Gail Ulrey, said, "I went on a two-week cruise from Venice to Barcelona. I booked a single room and paid thru the nose." Still, Gail felt her trip was worth the money. Traveling with a group usually means having a roommate, which can be good or bad. Joanne Sterling, Los Angeles, said, "The person I was teamed up with was a 'nut' who wanted to borrow money. After a few days, I paid the upgrade and had my own space, much better albeit lonely." And speaking of roommates, what if they snore? Or you snore? Gayla Pius recommends "Traveling with a tour group for safety, comfort and lots of fun. Pick a tour that interests you and you'll meet people with similar interests. Plus, your itinerary is planned." Solo Travelers Need to Meet People To avoid loneliness and enrich their trip, singles traveling solo must take the initiative to meet people. While cruising, Gail Swain meets others by "Taking late dinner seating and requesting singles at my table. I attend the dances and other activities geared toward singles, hopefully segregated by age." When Fran, Sonoma, Calif., was widowed, she went to Paris alone. She met the librarian of the Philadelphia orchestra and his wife at her hotel. "We had many meals together and their friendship and kind gestures made my time in Paris beyond anything I'd dreamed possible." Staying at a B&B is more intimate than at a larger hotel and is a good way to meet people. Most singles don't enjoy eating alone. At B & Bs, you're seated with others. Janet Riordan said, "Strike up a conversation with the person seated next to you on the plane, train, bus or bar stool, and you'll meet people who know places to visit and things to do." Single men don't travel alone Ivory Dorsey, Mableton, Ga, e-mailed, "Single men don't travel alone. The cruise lines hire dance partners for single women. Sometimes, a single guy will bring a woman to avoid being alone. This is no help as no one knows she's a stand-in. Why bring sand to the beach?" "More single women travel than single men," said Burl Estes. Burl recommends single guys go on cruises or to Cancun, "where single women go with the hope of meeting someone." Terry Johnson says he always travels with a woman : "I'm 62, going on 25. Still, I don't like to travel alone." Singles Need to Be Careful Singles need to be careful and avoid dangerous situations. Be aware of local conditions. When I visited Belize City, Belize, the hotel warned everybody-not just singles-about the danger of walking more than a few yards from the hotel at night. Linda Hughes, San Clemente, Calif., said, "Leave good jewelry at home, use ATMs, only take a couple of credit cards, make two copies of your passport, license, credit cards, etc. Leave one at home and put one in a suitcase." Don't walk around reading a map, it's a dead give-away that you're a naïve tourist. "I take a backpack. It's easier to keep all of your stuff together and lighter than a purse. In London, there are a lot of pickpockets at night, so I carry it in front," said Sandi Benson. Inspect hotel mini-bars before unpacking. Report any discrepancy to the hotel immediately. A four-star hotel in Ixtapa, Mexico, tried to charge my partner and me $300 for mini bar use and we hadn't even opened the door. A small bottle of water in a Madrid hotel mini bar this April cost $5.00. Will Singles Find Lasting Love? Will singles find love? Chances are they won't. "I met a nice man on a trip who was an excellent dancer and we danced the cruise away. I saw him a couple of months later, but it faded away," said Sally Montgomery. Jim Rue, Laguna Beach, Calif. said, "Travel is a great way to enrich one's life but not the best way to meet single people." "I went by myself on a 21-day river cruise through Germany and established a friendship with a widower from Oregon, however, a romantic relationship has not blossomed yet," said Susan Hillman. June S. said, "Shipboard romances don't last. Don't have high hopes after docking." And if you meet someone, then what? Chances are, you'll live in different cities. If you want to be together, who moves? Now you've got the challenges of a long-distance romance (In next week's column, we hear how one couple who met on a cruise and then had a long-distance romance and what eventually happened to them). When traveling remember that no trip goes perfectly. Keep
your wits about you, protect your money and documents and
have fun. Abuse Last Friday night, Greta and I watched "Dateline" hosted by Stone Phillips. The show was about a married couple in Las Vegas who disappeared. Foul play was suspected because blood was found in their home and their car was missing. The Las Vegas police eventually solved the case by finding the husband in Orlando, FL, where he confessed to murdering his wife. In an interview with "Dateline," the man admitted his guilt. What he did was heinous and he deserved the life sentence he received. The man explained what triggered the murder. He said his wife had an explosive temper and the night he killed her, she'd been drinking champagne and attacked him with the bottle. He stated she broke his elbow, inflicted physical pain and kept coming at him. The point in telling this story: If you're living with an angry person, you need to take action. A person's anger may have little or nothing to do with you. It could be caused by deep set emotions from childhood or any number of reasons. The anger can be triggered by something you're not even aware of. One minute, all's fine. The next, your mate is in your face. Drinking often accompanies the rage, but not always. You shouldn't allow yourself to be the target of the anger. Get out of the relationship before an event like the one on "Dateline" occurs. Women are usually the victim of abuse, but men can be also. And it can be verbal as well as physical. Elton John recorded a song called "Tonight," not the "Tonight" from West Side Story. Elton's version is a hauntingly beautiful piece of music, featuring Elton's electric piano, accompanied by the Melbourne, Australia Symphony Orchestra. The song begins with a simple question: "Tonight, do we have to fight again?" The song continues by hinting that the couple fights often and the singer would just like to drift off to sleep without another incident. I often listened to that song when I was in a relationship with an angry person. It was a song of hope that things would change and the anger would subside. But it never did. Anything could set her off. For two years, I walked on egg shells and danced on Jell-O. It was stressful, dehumanizing and no way to live. One morning I called 911 from my own home because I sensed that the intense verbal abuse was about to escalate to physical abuse. After that incident, I mustered the guts to end the relationship. Thankfully, nothing like the "Dateline" incident happened. And then I became involved with the kindest person I've ever met. In six years, we've never raised our voices. We live in peace and harmony, as civilized people deserve to live. As we watched "Dateline," I had flashbacks to my personal experience and gave thanks that my life changed for the better. If you're in an abusive relationship, don't settle for
mental anguish and despair. Seek help and support. If you
feel threatened, ask your local police for guidance and
where to go for help. You need to find a way out. Reader Comments: William Mosconi, Anaheim, "I saw your new "Primetime for
new Romance" column on Yahoo! Personals. Congratulations."
Reply: Yahoo! asked me to be their expert on dating after
50. Go to: personals.yahoo.com/us/static/content_fe_19
Try to stump me with a question. Wives and former wives, husbands and former husbands. Friends or foes? To communicate or not? It depends. Judging from the number of responses to last week's column, many readers still communicate with former spouses for different reasons. Dr. Mary Pat Wylie, a relationship coach (www.JourneyToLove.com ), wrote, "After 22 years of marriage and 14 years of being single, my former husband-remarried five years ago and father of our five children-and I have always kept our children first in our lives, and shared a workable relationship. I also have an endearing relationship with his wife and we together share the joys of our children as an extended family." Joy Brenner, Corona del Mar, Ca., said, "Last week's column touched me because my ex-husband and I have worked so hard to have a good relationship for our grown daughters." Joy raised the issue that when a person expresses bitterness over a past relationship, it can negatively affect a new relationship. If someone disparages a former spouse, it could be be a red flag. Learning to forgive and move forward shows maturity. Admittedly, it may take time for a person to forgive and arrive at this more enlightened place. Without having a reason to communicate with an ex-such as children-some questioned the need to remain friends. Ann Gonzales, Pt. Loma, Ca., shared her experience about a man she's met: "He doesn't want to be friends with his ex even though she has suggested they remain friends. If the kids are grown and out of the nest, there doesn't seem to be the necessity to be friends." Connie Veldkamp, said, "When I read about Jim playing golf and tennis weekly with his former spouse, I had an adverse reaction. Seems great to remain on friendly terms, but the cords of attachment should be severed in fairness to the new spouses. A woman named Emerald, said, "I've seen too many people of both sexes who refuse to be anywhere at the same time and place as their exes. They're missing out on so many of their family's landmark events-weddings, graduations and holidays. Life is too short to carry bad feelings around forever. "Wish more people could be open and understanding that all relationships don't last and that no one should be punished as a result, especially the children who share them as parents." Kit Hammer, Milwaukee, WI, e-mailed, "Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of "Cosmopolitan Magazine," said we need at least three spouses for successive stages of life. Hopefully, both partners mature in compatible ways, but if they don't, Pam's success leaves us all hopeful." Robin Nugent finds herself in an unusual arrangement, "Most people grimace when they hear I work with my former husband's new wife, but the two of us are remarkably similar in many ways. I truly like her. Many could use a reminder that burning a bridge on a past relationship is not always a wise thing to do." Comments: Don Harris, Seal Beach, Ca., "Your article was a great tribute to Pam, as well as to the two mature, sensitive and intelligent gentlemen." Cynthia Leopold, Erie, Pa., "I'll be 66 next week and
sometimes think I'm going through adolescence again because
I didn't do well when I was there the first time." Response:
You aren't alone in your frustration. Many older singles
feel the same way. Last Friday, my partner Greta and I attended a party for Pam--one of Greta's friends--who is retiring after 30 years of teaching. When we entered the restaurant, there were about 50 women sitting in the dining room and two men. I made a beeline to sit near the guys. The men had an interesting connection. Jim, Pam's husband of a year, was having a discussion with Roger, Pam's former husband of 28 years. My initial reaction was: two ex's side-by-side, this may become interesting. I began to realize as I listened to the two men converse that not only did they get along well, but they respected each other. I also realized that an important message was evolving to share with readers. I started scribbling notes on the paper table cloth in front of me. Each man stood and praised Pam. And when each sat down, each had tears in his eyes. Ex-husband Roger commended Pam for getting out and meeting people after their divorce. "I'm proud of you," he said. Jim had glowing words for his wife. You could see the feelings in his face and when he ended his talk, he walked over and kissed her. Pam said she was the luckiest woman in the world to have worked as a teacher for thiry years and then to have met somebody when in her 50s. And she added, "Jim makes great nine-grain pancakes." During supper, I asked the two men why they got along so well. Roger, himself remarried for two years, said, "Jim's a good guy, I like him and am pleased he entered Pam's life. It warms my heart to see her happy again." And Jim accepts that Roger was with Pam for 28 years. "That's in the past and simply a fact of life," said Jim. Both men agreed that when people have been together a long time, things and individuals can change and there may come a time when moving on is best for both. Roger said his divorce from Pam wasn't a bad thing, it was just time for a change for both of them. And since children were a part of the mix, the parenting responsibility didn't end. Both continue to accept that roll and to help each other with it. And Jim works with them, not against them. Roger said, "You don't discard the years you shared." Jim, who still plays golf and tennis weekly with his ex-wife, added, "We all care about each other." Lessons learned: By getting out and meeting people, Pam, in her 50s met Jim. They met at church. Older singles meeting and having a life together. It can and does happen. Second lesson: So often we hear of or experience bitterness, jealousy and anger surrounding divorce. It was nice to observe educated, sensitive and intelligent people handling maturely the path upon which fate has taken them. Comments: I was standing behind the counter in my Dana Point deli. Customer Ling Chou, 39, said, "You look like Tom Blake, the guy who writes the singles column." "I hear that a lot," I said. When Rosa, my employee said, "Same guy," Ling shook my hand and said, "I'm a single mom and find the column helpful, even at my age." I said, "The problems that older singles face are similar to the problems younger people face." Ling took her sack of sandwiches, and her two children and said, "I'm on my way home to read the column." Mary Platter, Costa Mesa, Ca., "Last week's column had a
message for every single person out there. Maybe it'll save
some of us from making those mistakes or making them again."
Response: Protecting what we've worked so hard to obtain is
vital for singles. The final word on chemistry (for
awhile at least) Most of the time, but not always, responses and comments to columns come from women. But, the chemistry topic triggered responses from both sexes. Ed Hebert, San Francisco, says physical attraction - i.e., chemistry - is not the priority it was when he was younger. "As you get older, you look for compatibility first; physical attraction is the frosting on the cake." But David Hicliff, Anaheim, Ca., wasn't as mellow, "Women still don't get it, men are visual creatures, they're 'hardwired' that way. Why do you think fish go after a lure? Because they're visually attracted to it, not because they just want to get to 'know it.' "If women are looking for a friendly relationship, they should go to libraries, but if they want an intimate relationship, they better pay attention to the lure they're dangling out there." |
