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Story Telling
When a man possesses his story, he has all he needs
for survival; but if he loses his story, he's in
peril - Sir Laurens van der Post
"I was a cop for twenty friggin' years. When I
was forty my daughter left home and then two years
later my son left. Then I got to see that I didn't
have much of a relationship with my wife because I
had spent all the years of my marriage working and
not really participating with the family. With the
kids gone we didn't have much use for each other, I
guess. After a couple more years, my wife left and
all I had was the damn job. The next year I had my
twenty [years] in at age forty-six and had
to retire. Nobody wants to have too much to do with
ex-cops except other ex-cops but they're tapped out
& burned out just like me. I got to know what
lonely was real fast. There was no real
relationship with the kids, and a fat, middle-aged
ex-cop doesn't do too well at those singles things.
If it hadn't been for my grandkids I would have
ended it right then. I still don't have much going
with my son, but my daughter and her kids keep me
alive... Somewhere along the line I figure I missed
something, and I'd sure like to find it before I
die. I'd like to know that my life was worth
living." Carl, from a Man In Transition workshop,
1992.
For many modern men, our story is our life. The
story that we were told as youngsters, the story
that we perceived from the input of our peers as we
grew up, the story that our teachers told us about
our abilities, the story that we assumed because we
believed that we are our results. For too many men
it is a story of doing rather than being. The story
all too often is a self-imposed isolation that
creeps silently into all aspects of our
relationships with the outer world. Joseph Jastrab
said it perceptively in his book Sacred
Manhood/Sacred Earth (Harpers Perennial, 1995), "An
isolation sets in, the pain of which is often met
by further isolation. Keeping one's story to
oneself is painful; it exiles a man from the
nurturance of community and robs his culture of the
gifts of his humanness. It keeps him confirmed in a
well-worn and static story that no longer responds
to a changing world. In this guarded secrecy, our
wounds fester rather than heal. And by our example
of secrecy, we teach our children to be afraid of
their own truth."
My friend the ex cop was caught in a story of
uselessness. When he no longer had the one thing
that he had learned to identify himself with, he
lost his story and therefore his self-identity. His
solution was to recreate his story. After realizing
that all of history is merely a collection of
stories that we agree to believe in, he decided
that if he were gong to survive he would have to
change his story. It really wasn't a difficult
thing to do. I met him when he was just miserable
enough that literally anything would be better than
where he was. But Carl was not sick. He, like so
many of us, just needed to be heard. As he listened
to himself tell his story he began to see things
that he had not seen before, things that he could
change. So, he changed his story a little at a
time. He did it not by going into denial or lying
but by simply changing his perspective. He began to
look at what he had accomplished in his career
rather than the negatives that had so depressed
him.. He began referring to himself as an ex Police
Officer rather than an ex cop. He joined a health
club and became intent upon regaining a reasonable
and healthy body, finally became a volunteer
trainer at the club specializing in helping seniors
citizens plan exercise programs. He went back to
school at a local community college and earned a
certificate in nutrition. Within three years he had
changed his story, his life, his reality.
When I last spoke to Carl he had met a
delightful and creative woman, had worked hard at
reestablishing contact with his son and couldn't
get enough of his grandchildren with whom he had
created a powerful bond. His life, he told me, was
sweet. It was, he confided, very worth living.
Although I didn't know it at the time, Carl was
my first coaching client in my own transition from
therapist to life coach. I was also holding on to
my story about who I was even though it wasn't
working for me. What I realized was that there's a
little bit of Carl in every one of us, cop,
salesman, engineer, professor, CEO or therapist. We
can all change, grow in a specific direction,
become better, different, whoever we want to become
if we are willing to change our story. So, Carl,
wherever you are, thanks for helping me make my
life worth living.
© 2008, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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