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Herstory/History
"If life is just a collection of short stories and
I don't like the story I've created, can I create a
new story?"
One of the many realities that we face now, and
increasingly so in the next 25 years, are the
forces that changing age demographics offer the
word in the 21st century. One of the more
interesting aspects of that change is the
tremendous number of men and women who will reach
their fifties and sixties and find themselves out
of the traditionally competitive work market, many
by choice rather than chance. With a higher level
of health and wealth than ever before in history,
these "seniors" will not be satisfied with spending
their retirement in recreational vehicles and
playing pinochle in the Arizona sun. They will be
just as vibrant and creative in their fifties,
sixties and seventies as they were in their
twenties & thirties and they will be
increasingly unwilling to do nothing.
In my coaching practice I work with many such
clients. People who are interested in reeducating
themselves, building second careers, starting their
own businesses, doing community service, being
involved in making a difference in the world but
with a specific plan. Many such clients have a
dream that originated when they were very young but
which was put aside to compete in some more
lucrative field. Others burn out from the intensity
that their field's demand and still others simply
grow tired of the inevitable changes, pace and
unsettled nature of our youth oriented work
culture. Several things seem to be common
however...a deep concern about the state of the
society, a desire to give something back and an
unwillingness to just grow idly old. But how does
one just change their story and jump into new
arenas of experience? What does it take?
What are the first steps?
Let's take a short ride into storyland and find
out.
First of all, I would have to concur with the
opening sentence. In fact, I base much of my
practice on it. In an earlier Transitions I talked
about the nature of stories and how the stories we
choose to accept as our reality become our reality.
That does not necessarily mean that those stories
are true, it just means that we have chosen to
accept them as true. In fact, it is a well known
axiom in psychology that very little of what we
remember of our formative youth actually happened
even close to how we remember it. So, the trick is
to re-remember, or reframe, our her/history. It
really does not serve us to attempt to erase the
old stories without the help of a therapist.
Actually, it might be argued that it doesn't serve
to erase those stories under any circumstances as
the process of eraser itself can often lead to
greater reinforcement of the behaviors those
stories produced. They are, after all, the stories
we've lived our whole lives with and they belong to
us. Denying them, making believe they don't belong
to us is one contributor to the phenomenon men
often experience called "mid-life crisis" or worse.
The trick is to accept the old stories and add new
ones that serve us better.
I gave up a career as a furniture
designer/manufacturer at the age of 49 to return to
school and become a therapist and writer. It did
not require renegotiating my history...a part of me
will always be those things and they formed me.
What it did take, however, was a commitment to
become more than I was. I had no guarantee that I
could be a therapist, I just knew that I wanted to
do that and I could do it if I wanted to create a
life that would support me becoming one. So, I
created a story that would support that outcome. It
wasn't easy and it certainly was not without a lot
of pain and insecurity, but it became a compelling
desire which is the ultimate element of success in
any action.
I often go back to a line that I used in an
earlier Transitions, "if you always do what you
always did, you'll always get what you always got."
The reason that it is so true is that unless we do
change our story, we will always go back to our old
patterns. Changing behaviors alone is not enough.
That is one reason why diets don't work. Diets are
generally based on behavioral change (no fats, no
carbo's, no pizza) not changing the story about why
we let ourselves get overweight in the first place.
With very few exceptions, once the weight is lost
we resume our story and the pizza gets delivered
regularly. One does not permanently change a
behavior without changing the story that goes with
the behavior.
So be aware of what your stories are and what
they are creating for you. If you want to have
more/different/better, create a story that will
support that creation. It's not a s difficult as it
may seem.
© 2007, Kenneth F.
Byers
Other Transition Issues,
Books
* * *
A permanent state of transition is man's most
noble condition. - Juan Ramon Jimenez
Ken Byers
holds a Ph.D. in psychology with an emphasis in
Men's Studies, one of the few ever awarded in the
U.S. Ken is a full time Certified Professional Life
Coach specializing in working with men in any form
of transition and an instructor of design at San
Francisco State University.
His books, "Man
In Transition" and
"Who
Was That Masked man
Anyway" are widely
acknowledged as primers for men seeking deeper
knowledge of creating awareness and understanding
of the masculine way. More information on Ken, his
work and/or subscription information to the weekly
"Spirit Coach" newsletter which deals with elements
of the human spirit in short commentary, check the
box at www.etropolis.com/coachken/
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/what.htm
or www.etropolis.com/coachken/speak.htm
or E-Mail
You are welcome to share any of Ken's columns with
anyone without fee from or to him but please credit
to the author. Ken can be reached at:
415.239.6929.
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