Cavemen in
the Kitchen

Things that go 'Oink' Pop Chops

Pork, you can’t go wrong with pork. You can serve it for dinner and hopefully, you will also be serving her some form of it like bacon the next morning! If you are going to have an evening of dinner and a video, choose the video correctly if you are to cook something from here. To make it taste better, get ‘Animal Farm.’ Whatever you do, don’t get ‘Charlotte’s Web’ or ‘Babe.’ Pork is naturally salty and someone once told me it was because pigs don’t sweat. Whatever, because of that natural saltiness, you do not have to add much salt to it if a recipe calls for it.


This will be a cool BBQ type dish for the chops without the grill. You will want to be sure that your date takes a few bites before you let her know what you put in it. Not that there is anything bad, but the combination of stuff just seems weird. These things take about an hour to cook so be cool and plan ahead. Have her show up about ½ hour into the cooking so you can make the small talk about her dress, her hair, her breasts etc.


1. 6 chops that are about ½” thick. Normal chop width and all will do
2. 1 cup of Pepsi (Regular)
3. 1 cup of Ketchup (it doesn’t have to be any really fancy brand)
4. 1 Tbsp of minced garlic (the stuff that is precut and comes in a jar rocks)
5. 4 Tbsp of brown sugar
6. 2 Tsp of Tabasco


Turn the oven to bake at 350°. While the oven heats up, get a Pyrex dish and put the chops in the bottom. Do not put them on top of each other otherwise this will mess with the cooking. Whip out a bowl, put the rest of the ingredients in it and mix them together. You can drink the rest of the Pepsi. Once the saucy stuff is done, pour it over the chops and pray that it goes at least halfway up the chops. By this time, the oven should be set so check it.

Slide the chops and all into the oven and give it about an hour. As the meal cooks, straighten the house out a bit. Toss all of your clothes under your bed, sweep stuff under the rug, be sure all toilet seats are down and be sure the empty beer cans are gone. After about 20 minutes, check the chops and flip them over. By this time, your date should arrive and you will have that half hour to engage in the small talk. 15 minutes later, check the chops and maybe turn them over again. After the hour, pull them out and cut one in half to see that it is done. Pork is one meat you don’t want pink!


The chops are going to be tangy and spicy so get something cool to compliment them like coleslaw or something. Place two chops on each plate and ladle a little of the sauce over them. Bring it on out and wait for your date to sample a bit. If she claims to be a vegetarian, load her chops on your plate and scoop your coleslaw on hers and start eating. If she digs in, wait till her eyes light up and she tells you how good they are before you tell her Pepsi is one of the ingredients.

©2008, by Ron DesMarais

Related Books

Ron DesMarais started life in Charlottesville, VA and has lived in several parts of the United States. When people hear the number of times he has moved, the question invariably arises as to whether or not he was an ‘Army Brat.’ There is only a half-truth there and that is found by dropping ‘Army’; unless, you consider ‘Army of Darkness.’ After moving with his parents for several years, Ron continued his nomadic ways, which were spurred by his mother’s finding out where he currently lived. In the process of changing dwellings and never getting rental deposits back (which he claims were never his fault), Ron’s financial status required that he start cooking for himself, as he could not afford eating out. This resulted in his quickly getting bored with Top Ramen and deciding to get creative in the kitchen. Soon, a list of recipes with a limited number of inexpensive ingredients started coming together. What really bolstered the creation of his book Cavemen in the Kitchen, and the writing of it as not just a cookbook but a ‘dating aid’ as well was when Ron ended up at a date’s house after a financially draining evening out. As both were hungry but Ron too broke and both too tired to go out somewhere, Ron dug through her cabinets, found some items to work with and based on a recipe he had created earlier, he created a meal for both. She loved it and the results of the meal were amazing in ways those under 18 should not hear about. From that point, dates for Ron consisted of cooking dinner, either at his house or the date’s house, and afterwards, either watching a video or doing something else. Click here to order a copy of the book (Contains adult content.)

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