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The Differences Between Male and Female
Depression
Just as there are two life forces in the natural
world, the outer-directed dynamic and the inner
directed magnetic, I believe there are dynamic
depressions which are expressed by “acting
out” our inner turmoil and magnetic
depressions which are expressed by “acting
in” our pain. Men are more likely to
experience dynamic depressions and women are more
likely to experience magnetic depressions.
Women often express their depression by blaming
themselves. Men often express their depression by
blaming others—their wives, bosses, the
economy, the government—Anyone or anything,
but themselves. [i]
I have developed a chart to describe the main
differences in the ways males and females
experience depression. I want to emphasize that
this is a short-hand summary of thousands of people
I have seen. Most depressed people will find they
identify with some things on both sides of the
chart. Some men will find themselves predominantly
on the magnetic side and some women will find
themselves predominantly on the dynamic side.
However, most depressed men, I believe, will
identify more with the dynamic depressions and most
women will identify more with the magnetic
depressions.
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Magnetic depression
(Female)
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Dynamic depression (Male)
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Blame themselves for problems
Feel sad and tearful
Sleeps more than usual
Vulnerable and easily hurt
Tries to be nice
Withdraws when feeling hurt
Often suffers in silence
Feels they were set up to fail
Slowed down and nervous
Maintains control of anger/ May have
anxiety attacks
Overwhelmed by feelings
Lets others violate boundaries
Feels guilty for what they do
Uncomfortable receiving praise
Accepts weaknesses and doubts
Strong fear of success
Needs to "blend in" to feel safe
Uses food, friends, and "love" to
self-medicate
Believe their problems could be solved
if only they could be a better…
(spouse, co-worker, parent, friend)
Wonders, "Am I loveable enough?"
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Blame others for problems
Feel irritable and unforgiving
Has trouble sleeping or staying
asleep
Suspicious and guarded
Overtly or covertly hostile
Attacks when feeling hurt
Over-reacts, often sorry later
Feels the world is set up to fail
them
Restless and agitated
Loses control of anger/ May have sudden
attacks of rage
Feelings blunted, often numb
Rigid boundaries; pushes others
away
Feels ashamed for who they are
Frustrated if not praised enough
Denies weaknesses and doubts
Strong fear of failure
Needs to be "top dog" to feel safe
Uses alcohol, TV, sports, and
“sex” to self medicate
Believe their problems could be solved
if only their… (spouse, co-worker,
parent, friend) would treat them
better
Wonders, "Am I being loved enough?"
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Tom Golden, an expert on male emotions and
author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the
Masculine Side of Healing recognizes that the ways
men and women deal with their emotions,
particularly those of loss, may be quite different.
Women often express their emotions through talk and
tears. Men often express them through action and
reflection. The kinds of actions men engage are
often related to creativity, thinking, and
practicality Golden believes.
“Eric Clapton used creativity in writing a
song about his four-year-old son who died in a
tragic accident,” says Golden. “C. S.
Lewis wrote A Grief Observed which to this day is a
classic in the grief literature. Mr. Lewis used his
strength in writing and in thinking to do something
that honored his wife and helped others.”
“Michael Jordan used his experience as an
athlete when he dedicated his season on the Chicago
Bulls in memory of his murdered father. Remember
the championship where Jordan fell to the floor
after the Bulls won the game and was tearful and
holding the basketball at mid-court? It turns out
that this was the season he had dedicated to his
father and they won the championship. Additionally,
the game was won on Father's Day, which sharpened
and amplified the emotion surrounding his efforts
to honor his father.”
Men and women often do not understand the ways
each expresses loss and grief. Many men see women
as dwelling on the past since they continue to talk
and sometimes cry when they remember a loss. Women
often feel that men are denying their emotions when
the men say little and throw themselves into
action. We all need to understand and be more
accepting of male/female differences in emotional
expression. Of course these differences don’t
apply to all men or all women.
I tend to think of these kinds of male/female
differences the same way I think of height. What do
we mean when we say, “Men are taller than
women?” We mean most men are taller than most
women. We do not mean all men are taller than all
women. As a man who is 5 feet 5 inches tall, I am
constantly reminded of that fact. There are a lot
of women who are taller than I am. So think of the
above chart as a guide to help us explore the
general differences between male and female
depression.
©2010 Jed
Diamond
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* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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