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How to Become the Man All Women Wish They
Had
I was a junior in college at U.C. Santa Barbara
in 1964 when I saw Anthony Quinn in the movie Zorba
the Greek. I went to college to fulfill my parents
dream that they never achieved, but really to learn
the mysteries of life—in other words, sex,
surfing, and what it meant to be a guy who could
attract a girl who would be willing to have wild
sex in the surf with him. Zorba was my role model.
Let me confess at the outset, I failed at finding a
girl who would have wild sex with me (that would
come much later), but I never forgot what I learned
from Zorba.
There are four things Zorba loved more than
anything: Life, women, music, and his latest scheme
to succeed against all odds. At a time when most
film heroes were characters like James Bond who
killed bad guys and was only interested in women
for one thing (his love interest in Goldfinger was
named Pussy Galore. How did that get past the
censors?). Zorba was refreshingly different.
James Bond was one dimensional, Zorba was
complex. He was the kind of man all women wanted,
young, old, and in between. But he was also a
man’s man, and genuinely wanted to help his
stiff, young, English boss. Zorba (the character
based on the book from Greek writer Nikos
Kazantzakis) offers wonderful bits of advice that
have stuck with me for almost sixty years:
- “Since we cannot change reality, let us
change the eyes that see reality.”
- “The only thing I know is this: I am
full of wounds and still standing.”
And the one that still guides my life:
- “A man needs a little madness, or else
he never dares cut the rope and be
free.”
Becoming the Man You Always Wanted to
Be
I fell in love and got engaged during my last
year in college (I was 21, she was 18). We were
both naïve (how could we not be?) believing
that we had found everlasting happiness. Without
thinking about it consciously, we assuming there
were two stages for a successful relationship:
1. Fall in love.
2. Build a wonderful life together.
There was no need for more stages. We just
assumed we would live happily ever after. Life had
other ideas for me.
We had two children and got divorced just before
our tenth anniversary following three years of
conflict and recriminations. I quickly remarried
and was soon divorced again. Divorce is painful for
everyone. Our hopes and dreams of love everlasting
are dashed. For me, who had become a successful
marriage and family counselor, it was devastating.
How could I expect anyone who pay me for counseling
when I couldn’t even keep my own relationship
together? How could I keep saying I was a therapist
if my own love live wasn’t working?
I made a decision that changed my life. I
decided to quit my job as a professional counselor,
go back to basics and see if I could figure out
what it really meant to be a man and to have the
kind of relationship that I had dreamed of having.
I needed to make a living while I was figuring it
out, so I got a job at Howard Johnson’s
restaurant doing the early morning shift that no
one wanted.
I stopped looking for women. What woman would be
interested in having a man whose job was serving
coffee and serving food to travelers who were still
asleep when they stumbled in? I also went into
therapy myself and read everything I could find
from experts who actually were practicing what they
preached to others.
I also reflected on what Zorba taught me. After
a lot of dark and depressing times feeling like a
failure at the two things that Sigmund Freud said
were the cornerstones of our humanness, “Love
and Work,” I got back in touch with Life. I
went for long walks on the beach and learned to
meditate. I read “The Course in Miracles”
and joined a weekly group of people who sang
together. All of these things were a bit crazy for
me.
I was a city kid who was uncomfortable in
nature. I thought meditation was boring and
couldn’t keep my eyes closed for more than a
few seconds, a racing mind, I believed, would
somehow get me someplace worthwhile. I didn’t
believe in miracles or God. My parents were Jewish
by birth and culture, but political activists by
inclination and atheists by training. If you
can’t see him, touch him, prove
him—believing in God or Goddess is
unscientific and a waste of time.
I began writing my thoughts and feelings in a
journal, which really seemed crazy to me. It
eventually turned into a book, my first, called
Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man. Instead of going
out looking for women, I joined a men’s group,
which was really crazy. What heterosexual man would
rather be in a men’s group than chase women?
Being in the group changed my life and we’ve
continued to meet regularly since we began in
1979.
Finding My Soul Mate Instead of a
Playmate
I was ten years old in 1953 when a
twenty-seven-year-old nerdy sociology student at
Northwestern University named Hugh Hefner started
Playboy magazine. He put a racy picture of Marilyn
Monroe on the cover and added some philosophy about
sexual freedom. The first printing of 50,000 copies
sold out overnight. Playboy bunnies and Playmates
of the Month became the dream lovers of boys and
Peter-Pan men who never wanted to grow up.
By the time I met Carlin, I had gone through two
marriages and divorces (Check out my
“Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage
Counselor” at MenAlive.com). I had given
up the search for the perfect partner, but I
retained my vision of the kind of girl who had the
right chemistry to turn me on—younger than me,
shorter than me, if not a Playmate of the Month, at
least one of the cute bunnies (I mean, if a nerd
like Hugh Marston Hefner could spend his adult life
surrounded by bunnies, I could find at least one
for myself, I hoped).
Carlin and I met at the dojo in Mill Valley. I
had begun practicing the non-violent martial art of
Aikido (most of my macho friends went in for more
kick ass practices like karate or Kung Fu). She was
introduced to me by a mutual friend. I was
friendly, but clearly she wasn’t my type. She
wasn’t cute or bunny-like. She was pretty in
an exotic kind of way that was attractive, but
confusing. But she had one quality that was clearly
a deal-breaker. She was a few inches taller than me
(and I found out later that she was also a few
years older than me).
But a very strange thing happened. We ended up
going to the same retreat (turned out the friend
who introduced us, knew I was going to this retreat
and suggested it to Carlin). We kept running into
each other and some crazy magic began happening. I
put my conscious mind to sleep (really a crazy
thing to do for me), quit ruminating, comparing her
to others, comparing myself to some ideal, and just
lived in the moment and enjoyed being alive.
Without judgement about her or about me, whether
she was sexy enough or if she was my type, or mine
hers, we just got to know each other (and in the
process ourselves). We even talked about our
judgements and the stereotypes that told us who we
should be attracted to and how we should feel. We
stopped trying to be the people we were supposed to
be and started enjoying being ourselves.
We’ve been married now for 43 wonderful
years. We’ve had our ups and downs, like all
couples, and we are still learning about love. I
wrote a book about our continuing journey. The
Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages
of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to
Come.
If you are a man, or know a man, who has been
through a relationship breakup (or more than one)
and is ready to explore and learn what it really
means to become a man who can attract a true
soul-partner, I will be leading a 4-day retreat in
March, along with two colleagues, I’ve known
for years. If you are interested in learning more,
let me know. It will be limited to a small group
of men who are ready for real lasting love. It is
for a few good men who aren’t afraid to
explore their little bit of madness. If this
sounds like it might be you, drop me a note to
Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Soul-Mate Man”
in the subject line. I’ll send you all the
details.
You might also enjoy my recent article,
“Are
You a Master and Work, But a Disaster at
Love?”
©2023 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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