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Irritable Out-of-Work Men and the Women Who
Love Them
Dear Dr. Jed,
Three months ago my husband lost his job.
I’ve done my best to be understanding and
supportive, but he’s getting more irritable,
angry, and withdrawn. I try and let him know I
don’t blame him, that it’s the economy
not something he’s done wrong, but he just
snaps my had off. It’s hard enough not having
his paycheck, but what’s even worse is the
strain this is putting on our relationship. I
don’t want our marriage to fall apart. What
can I do? As a psychotherapist, specializing in
men’s health, I get letters like these every
day.
As the recession puts more and more men out of
work, the wives increasingly feel the impact. Time
magazine’s Erin Davies reports on how male job
loss is affecting the women. Sarah Janosek, a
47-year old hospice nurse and mother of three
teenagers living in Austin, Texas, spoke about how
she felt when her husband told her he had been laid
off. “There was a sinking in the pit of my
stomach--and tears," she says. "It was just
devastating. It's completely outside your power and
now you're responsible for the entire family."
Often men become more irritable and angry, while
the women become more anxious and worried.
“You worry about losing everything. It's just
overwhelmingly scary--and there are no resources
for spouses," Janosek says. She was fortunate in
being able to increase her work hours, and her
husband now has some contract work, which has
helped--but it hardly solves the problem. "I am
still angry about it," she says.
So are many other women--wives of the 4.2
million men who have been laid off since the
recession began. In fact, according to recent data,
it is likely that more than 2 million American
women are married to someone who has been handed a
pink slip during this recession. Compare that to
the approximately 1.4 million women who have lost a
job themselves and it appears that the majority of
women may be experiencing our Great Recession's
mass job losses not as a laid off worker herself
but as the spouse of one.
For many women, it’s a lot more difficult
to deal with their husband’s job loss than it
is their own. “Although it hit me hard when I
lost my job three years ago, says Mary Richmond, of
Glendale, California, “I didn’t blame
myself or question my womanhood. But when my
husband, Jerry, got laid off, it was like the wind
was knocked out of him and he still hasn’t
recovered. No matter what I say he blames himself
and I don’t know what to do to help
him.”
Donna Koehn, writing in the Tampa Tribune,
reports on the family stress caused by job losses
in hard-hit Florida. Since losing his job in March,
Colin Flood, a longtime technical writer, does odd
jobs for friends. He's happy to be useful, but he
longs to return to work he loves. "My family and
friends have tried to be helpful, but it's
devastating," Flood says. "I should be at my peak
earning potential, in a stable career. Now I'm
waiting on unemployment."
Even when he sought a simple restaurant
employment, there were barriers for the 51 year-old
Flood. "I go for a waiter job, and there's some
young chickie-poo who's going to get the job
instead," he says. When a man can’t work to
his potential and support his family it can be
devastating.
"Men are used to fulfilling the masculine ideal
that has been ingrained in them that if they do
things the right way, they will be rewarded," says
Marie Gray, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, a state
that has also been hard it by unemployment. "Many
of them feel at a total loss," says Gray, who
specializes in trauma studies at Misericordia
University in Dallas, Pa. "They feel powerless,
stuck, useless, hopeless--and many feel great
shame."
Some men turn the pain inward and become
listless and preoccupied. They withdraw and spend
more time watching television or surfing the
internet. This often compounds the problem and
makes it more difficult for them to reach out for
the support services that would help them find a
new job. Other men turn their pain outward and
blame others, particularly their spouses. They
become hypersensitive and controlling. The women
feel like they are walking on egg-shells and feel
pummeled by his anger.
I call this behavior, “Irritable Male
Syndrome,” or IMS. Although it can occur at
any age, it is particularly prevalent at mid-life
when hormone levels are dropping and stress is on
the rise. Job loss contributes greatly to the
stress. But even those men who are still employed
are often terrified of losing their jobs and are
impacted. And one of the most unfortunate
casualties of IMS is the relationship the couple
has worked so hard to develop over the years. The
couple can often survive the loss of a job, but
cannot survive the loss of trust and love that may
result when anger and blame take over the
family.
I have been doing research on IMS for the last
eight years and know that it can be understood and
treated. I developed a questionnaire which you can
access at www.IMSquiz.com to determine if IMS is
causing problems in your relationship. Over 60,000
men have taken it, as well as several thousand
women. If you feel IMS is causing your family harm,
whether from job loss or any other cause, I
encourage you to seek help.
©2010 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of nine
books including Male
Menopause,
The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. and
Mr.
Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable
Male Syndrome. His
upcoming book, Tapping Power: A Man’s Guide to
Eliminating Pain, Stress, Anger, Depression and
Other Ills Using the Revolutionary Tools of Energy
Psychology will be available next year. For over 38
years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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