Male Depression: Why So Many Men Deny They Have A Problem

My wife, Carlin, and I walked tentatively into the nicely restored old building to attend the “family weekend.” Our son had been in treatment for a drug problem and we were there to learn and offer support. As part of the weekend experience, all the family members were given various questionnaires to fill out. One was a depression questionnaire. We dutifully filled it out and my wife scored “high” while I scored “low.” Carlin talked to a counselor who suggested that she might want to get evaluated for depression when we returned home.

Driving back we talked and it became clear that Carlin had been feeling depressed for some time. Once home, she saw a doctor, was evaluated, and later put on anti-depressants. Her life and mine changed for the better. It was like she had come out of a fog. Her joy returned and she became much more fun to be around.

A few months into her treatment, Carlin suggested that I might be depressed as well and wanted me to see her doctor. I promptly refused. “I’m not depressed,” I thought out loud. “If I were I’m sure I’d know it. I’m a therapist and I treat depression. I’d certainly recognize it in myself.” She just gave me a gentle smile. “OK, it was just a suggestion,” she said. “Anyway,” I reminded her, “I took the depression quiz at the treatment center and I scored low.” As far as I was concerned the case was close.

However, there were some disturbing thoughts that would pop into my head. My father had suffered from manic-depressive illness all his life and had tried to commit suicide. I knew that the disease ran in families. Though I kept telling myself I was immune (God knows that therapists can be the most pig-headed people when our own mental health is questioned), still there were those doubts. Plus, I found I was often irritable, angry, preoccupied, and withdrawn. But that couldn’t be depression, could it?

I convinced myself that my irritability and anger were justified. “Who wouldn’t be upset with what I have to put up with,” I would call out to anyone who would listen. “I’m stressed out at work, the kids seem to go out of there way to get on my last remaining nerve, and my wife is going through menopause.”

Carlin received the brunt of my anger, which she fought to deflect. But what did she expect? If she’d just be nicer, more loving, more interested in sex, everything would be okay. It never occurred to me that my constant anger made it nearly impossible for her to be nicer, more loving, more interested in sex.

More and more often I found I was having fantasies of getting away from it all. I’d see myself getting in my car and just driving into the sunset. Other times I saw myself with another woman, someone who was kinder and gentler and understood me—someone like Carlin used to be. Those thoughts excited and scared me. I knew we couldn’t go on like this, but I had no idea what to do.

Finally, Carlin made the decision for me. “Look,” she told me directly, “we’re both miserable. If our marriage is going to survive, you’ve got to see someone.” Reluctantly, I made an appointment with the doctor she had seen. He did a complete evaluation and I was sure he would say I was a normal guy who had to deal with a lot of stress in his life. Instead, he told me I was suffering from depression and would benefit from treatment. I was shocked. I thanked him and was about to leave when he said something that hit me between the eyes, “You need to be aware Mr. Diamond that men often experience depression differently than women, and highly successful and intellectual men, in particular, often deny that they are depressed.”

When I returned home Carlin was anxious to hear the results. I told her what the doctor had said and she seemed relieved. I told her I wanted a second opinion. She blew up. “You want a second opinion? I’ll give you a second opinion. You’re depressed and you need treatment just like I did. It helped me and it will help you.” She turned and walked out of the room.

I didn’t want to believe I was depressed. It just didn’t fit with my view of myself. And it didn’t fit with what I knew were the symptoms of depression. My mood wasn’t depressed most of the time. I hadn’t lost interest in my work or activities I loved. I slept fine and my energy was OK. I didn’t feel worthless and I didn’t think of killing myself.

I did decide to see another doctor. Even though I liked this one much better than the first, she told me essentially the same thing as doctor number one. She also explained that men who are depressed are often hypersensitive, irritable, and angry. She gave me a book to read by a world-renowned psychologist, Kay Redfield Jamison. In her book The Unquiet Mind she described depression in a way that was like a punch in the gut. “You’re irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding, and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening.” Boy, was that ever me!

I could no longer deny the truth. I was dealing with depression. I agreed to begin therapy as well as to take a course of medications. The medications and therapy helped a lot. Of equal importance was the life-style changes I made. I began to exercise more regularly. I began taking extra omega-3 fish oil that was shown to help brain function. I learned about sleep hygiene and how to work my day so I was relaxed and ready for sleep at night. I got more involved in the social life of my community. I broke out of old thought habits that would cause me to ruminate when things weren’t going my way.

Life still has its stresses, but I’m dealing with them constructively. Our relationship is stronger than ever and as long as I keep up my daily health practices, I’m feeling pretty damn good. I wish my father was around to learn these things, but glad to pass them on to my four sons, one daughter, and eleven grandchildren.

©2010 Jed Diamond

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Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy wealth. - Henry David Thoreau


Jed Diamond is the internationally best-selling author of nine books including Male Menopause, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression. and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome. His upcoming book, Tapping Power: A Man’s Guide to Eliminating Pain, Stress, Anger, Depression and Other Ills Using the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Psychology will be available next year. For over 38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's health. He is a member of the International Scientific Board of the World Congress on Men’s Health and has been on the Board of Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its founding in 1992. His work has been featured in major newspapers throughout the United States including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000 radio and T.V. programs including The View with Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth, Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did a nationally televised special on Male Menopause for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback. E-Mail. You can visit his website at

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