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Male Depression: Why So Many Men Deny They
Have A Problem
My wife, Carlin, and I walked tentatively into the
nicely restored old building to attend the
“family weekend.” Our son had been in
treatment for a drug problem and we were there to
learn and offer support. As part of the weekend
experience, all the family members were given
various questionnaires to fill out. One was a
depression questionnaire. We dutifully filled it
out and my wife scored “high” while I
scored “low.” Carlin talked to a
counselor who suggested that she might want to get
evaluated for depression when we returned home.
Driving back we talked and it became clear that
Carlin had been feeling depressed for some time.
Once home, she saw a doctor, was evaluated, and
later put on anti-depressants. Her life and mine
changed for the better. It was like she had come
out of a fog. Her joy returned and she became much
more fun to be around.
A few months into her treatment, Carlin
suggested that I might be depressed as well and
wanted me to see her doctor. I promptly refused.
“I’m not depressed,” I thought out
loud. “If I were I’m sure I’d know
it. I’m a therapist and I treat depression.
I’d certainly recognize it in myself.”
She just gave me a gentle smile. “OK, it was
just a suggestion,” she said.
“Anyway,” I reminded her, “I took
the depression quiz at the treatment center and I
scored low.” As far as I was concerned the
case was close.
However, there were some disturbing thoughts
that would pop into my head. My father had suffered
from manic-depressive illness all his life and had
tried to commit suicide. I knew that the disease
ran in families. Though I kept telling myself I was
immune (God knows that therapists can be the most
pig-headed people when our own mental health is
questioned), still there were those doubts. Plus, I
found I was often irritable, angry, preoccupied,
and withdrawn. But that couldn’t be
depression, could it?
I convinced myself that my irritability and
anger were justified. “Who wouldn’t be
upset with what I have to put up with,” I
would call out to anyone who would listen.
“I’m stressed out at work, the kids seem
to go out of there way to get on my last remaining
nerve, and my wife is going through
menopause.”
Carlin received the brunt of my anger, which she
fought to deflect. But what did she expect? If
she’d just be nicer, more loving, more
interested in sex, everything would be okay. It
never occurred to me that my constant anger made it
nearly impossible for her to be nicer, more loving,
more interested in sex.
More and more often I found I was having
fantasies of getting away from it all. I’d see
myself getting in my car and just driving into the
sunset. Other times I saw myself with another
woman, someone who was kinder and gentler and
understood me—someone like Carlin used to be.
Those thoughts excited and scared me. I knew we
couldn’t go on like this, but I had no idea
what to do.
Finally, Carlin made the decision for me.
“Look,” she told me directly,
“we’re both miserable. If our marriage is
going to survive, you’ve got to see
someone.” Reluctantly, I made an appointment
with the doctor she had seen. He did a complete
evaluation and I was sure he would say I was a
normal guy who had to deal with a lot of stress in
his life. Instead, he told me I was suffering from
depression and would benefit from treatment. I was
shocked. I thanked him and was about to leave when
he said something that hit me between the eyes,
“You need to be aware Mr. Diamond that men
often experience depression differently than women,
and highly successful and intellectual men, in
particular, often deny that they are
depressed.”
When I returned home Carlin was anxious to hear
the results. I told her what the doctor had said
and she seemed relieved. I told her I wanted a
second opinion. She blew up. “You want a
second opinion? I’ll give you a second
opinion. You’re depressed and you need
treatment just like I did. It helped me and it will
help you.” She turned and walked out of the
room.
I didn’t want to believe I was depressed.
It just didn’t fit with my view of myself. And
it didn’t fit with what I knew were the
symptoms of depression. My mood wasn’t
depressed most of the time. I hadn’t lost
interest in my work or activities I loved. I slept
fine and my energy was OK. I didn’t feel
worthless and I didn’t think of killing
myself.
I did decide to see another doctor. Even though
I liked this one much better than the first, she
told me essentially the same thing as doctor number
one. She also explained that men who are depressed
are often hypersensitive, irritable, and angry. She
gave me a book to read by a world-renowned
psychologist, Kay Redfield Jamison. In her book The
Unquiet Mind she described depression in a way that
was like a punch in the gut. “You’re
irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless
and critical and demanding, and no reassurance is
ever enough. You’re frightened, and
you’re frightening.” Boy, was that ever
me!
I could no longer deny the truth. I was dealing
with depression. I agreed to begin therapy as well
as to take a course of medications. The medications
and therapy helped a lot. Of equal importance was
the life-style changes I made. I began to exercise
more regularly. I began taking extra omega-3 fish
oil that was shown to help brain function. I
learned about sleep hygiene and how to work my day
so I was relaxed and ready for sleep at night. I
got more involved in the social life of my
community. I broke out of old thought habits that
would cause me to ruminate when things weren’t
going my way.
Life still has its stresses, but I’m
dealing with them constructively. Our relationship
is stronger than ever and as long as I keep up my
daily health practices, I’m feeling pretty
damn good. I wish my father was around to learn
these things, but glad to pass them on to my four
sons, one daughter, and eleven grandchildren.
©2010 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of nine
books including Male
Menopause,
The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. and
Mr.
Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable
Male Syndrome. His
upcoming book, Tapping Power: A Man’s Guide to
Eliminating Pain, Stress, Anger, Depression and
Other Ills Using the Revolutionary Tools of Energy
Psychology will be available next year. For over 38
years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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