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February
What do Women Want?
Women are very good at letting us know what they
want. We men, being natural "fixers",
problem-solvers and rescuers, are very good at
attempting to give them what they want in order to
please them. None of it works very well for us, and
we are forever puzzled, hurt and angry. Our logical
minds tell us that it should be a perfect fit: They
want things and have problems, and we are good at
providing things and solving problems.
But as soon as we get in the middle of it, we
get shut down, belittled, disrespected and
generally made to feel like an idiot. We are
bewildered as to where in hell the fury and icy
silences are coming from.
Women may know exactly what they "want", but
often don't know what they actually need. This
especially applies to younger women with little
life-experience and to women who have never
experienced receiving what they need from a man.
These woman absolutely believe that they know what
they need -- and they are wrong. They are wrong
because no matter how much they get what they are
asking for, they are still miserable, depressed and
feel misunderstood and "small".
Women, most of them, don't want their problems
solved. Having a problem is a part of their
emotional psyche that is essential to their mental
health. If they don't have a problem they can chew
on at the moment, they will manufacture one. As a
friend of mine puts it, "If you were actually able
to solve all of a women's problems that she tells
you about, then you become the problem." In other
words, she will focus on you as the cause of all of
her emotional misery and turmoil, because you have
taken everything else away.
Women are creatures of emotion. The way they
process their emotions (read that "live with
themselves"), is to talk it out with another human
being. Their natural and historical outlet for this
talking process has always been other women. Other
women are very interested in what your woman has to
say about her emotional state and all of the
problems that created it. They calm each other so
that by the time they get back to you, they are
possible to live with in harmony. A women with a
lot of women friends that get together is an easy
woman to live with. The man practically doesn't
need to do anything to get along with her.
But if your woman has isolated herself at home
all day with the kids, or in an office with a lot
of males, when she gets home she needs something
from you: She needs you to listen while she talks
and processes all of the emotions that are swirling
around inside her that she doesn't know how to
handle. Your job at that point, if you are to have
the peace and quiet that you crave, is to listen
attentively and actively without interrupting or
expressing an opinion except to agree or express
wonder at what you have just heard. If you hear her
describe a problem in her life that is "Driving her
crazy", stifle the urge to blurt out the "solution"
that is so obvious to you. Suppress that primal
urge to fix her and make all of her problems
disappear.
This actually happened: A couple of years ago,
after following my own advise for a long time, my
wife expressed a problem that was really bothering
her. I immediately saw the solution in a flash of
male ego and inspiration and started to blurt it
out to her. She stopped me with her hand and yelled
at me, "Don't do that. Damn it, you know better!
You're fucking everything up." I realized what I
was doing and freaked out. I stopped immediately,
completely put my "solution" out of my head and
apologized and asked her to continue, which she
did. When she got done, nothing was "solved" about
the "problem", but she was okay and we went on to
have a lovely evenling.
©2008, Irv Engel
* * *
One's life has value so long as one attributes
values to the life of others, by means of love,
friendship, indignation and compassion., - Simone
de Beauvoir
Irv Engel is a
successful salesman, builder, husband, father,
grandfather and friend. He loves to sing, dance and
is currently taking an art class to learn water
color painting. He is the creator and coordinator
of the Relationship Training Course for Men. This
book, The
Real Deal: A Guide to Achieving Successful and Real
Relationships,
is the result of hundreds of hours spent writing
down the lessons learned in a lifetime of marriage,
divorce, re-marriage and raising four kids. He
hosts free telephone conference coaching sessions
in the evening or on weekends.The conference is a
good way to find out about relationship coaching
and to ask any personal questions around your own
relationships without risk to your money or your
privacy. E-mail
him for phone number, access
code and schedule. Irv and Monica live in Lake
Forest, Calif. They have eleven grandchildren. They
have celebrated their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary. www.committedrelationships.com
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